Her Other Self

why must andhera always get such a bad rap?

its such a beautiful thing..

poems and stories shold not talk about light turning into darkness as a end..rather as an alternative beginning..

on that note, why is the end always such a bad thing?

i could go on...for a very long time..in circles and tangents..this is how i amuse myself. gerbil like.

z.rizvi.

Do not be jealous in your life. Jealousy can eat you alive, like it turned Ajala into Andhera.

Thanks for the comments guys. You are absolutely right.

Perhaps when I was writing it, I intended it to be more of a mystery, i.e. that Ajala`s feeelings and actions were explained, toward the end, as having something to do with her being a Siamese twin.

I can see now that, that`s not how it appeared to a reader. Keep the comments coming, and I will defintely re-work this one.

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This reminds me of that old X-Files episode with the guy who worked in the circus and had a twin attached to his body that would detach itself at night and slither around, committing murders. But I too agree that it lacks a dramatic tension to drive the story forward. Instead, it seems that you have chosen to take a point of view that looks more at the past than it does at the future. Which might work well if this was a portion of a longer narrative, but tends to lose focus and momentum as a shorter piece.

I was surprised by the hostility that Ajala has for the twin. I think you only revealed that much later into the story...it would have been interesting to actually see some real interaction between Ajala and the twin, to avoid too much Ally McBeal-avoids-dancing-baby syndrome!

B.

Jawahara

If I may, I think I know what Rishi may be trying to get at. I was somewhat disappointed with the denoument as well. Ajala, as Temporal points out, thinks she is not loved. Hence she does not love herself, and her self-loathing is manifested by, among other things, her sexual escapades, through which she mistakenly seeks some sort of affirmation, fulfillment, liberation. But she cannot run from the `other self`, the mirror image of herself, that undeniably exists. So far, so good.

It is at this point, around the latter quarter of the story, that things go a bit shaky. There seems to be an ambivalence as to how to end things. We`re left in too much doubt as to what will happen. Perhaps that`s it- perhaps something needs to happen for Ajala to come to some sort of conclusion. As it stands, she`s no different than she was at the beginning.

This story reminds me somewhat of another story featured on Chowk not too long ago, His Gift, by Bina Shah. In Bina`s story, however, her protaganist came to a definitive conclusion that gave the story a satisfying end, something I think this story may be lacking.

Hope my comments aren`t found to be totally useless.

Jonty

PS Like Temporal, this also reminded me of a French film- Catherine Breillat`s Romance, made this year, and raising eyebrows everywhere...

Once again JS weaves a tale of beauty with the
help of the dark side of life. But when will she
ever give up living in the fall season and celebrate the springtime?
I am sure some readers of CHOWK would like to share in her more positive stories too.

Great writing once again Jawahara!

Ras

Rishi, could you explain your comments with some examples, perhaps, from the text? I am really looking for honest feedback for this (and my other stuff) so I can perhaps tweak it and make it better.

Thanks

RE: Jawahara

A perfect coordination of thoughts and words....

But as a reader felt a little left out as the story lacks the `` agent of provocation `` that drives the `` event of denouement ``

Rishi

Studebaker, I claim nothing. I write the first sentence and the rest of the story writes itself. *shrugs *

No agenda, no plans, no nothing. I really don`t think Ajala rhymes with Jawahara. It just means ``without water,`` sometimes used as a synonym for earth, which mirrors a psuedonym I sometimes use.

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Jawahara:

Another deep dark disturbing daastaan.

(Am sure other interactors will comment further on your tendency to explore the under belly, the dark(er) side of life, yet again).

This tale is not new. The treatment, angle, expression is.

Ajala THINKS she is not accepted. Hence the trauma in her life --- that you convey with such warmth and feelings.

Reading this reminded me of The Hairdresser`s Husband, a French movie. The hairdresser arrives mysteriously in this small provincial town. She is showered so much love and affection that .... .......enough. I will not give out the ending.

love & regards,

t