Banyan Tree

Is it just me or do other people also translate such stories in Urdu/Hindi in their heads while reading? Which brings me to another question: What do u mean when u make Rupa`s mother say, listen to me ``It is written in the laws``? ¿¿

Jawahara:

It was a pleasure reading your work after such a long time! It was a nice, and a needed, break from the articles about the orphans of TNT!

Ciao!

Jawahara:

Having read this story my first impulse was to write a cryptic one word or one sentence comment like Ras does and move on. But that would not be me. And you deserve an honest feedback.

Right from the second word ‘unraveled’ I felt cheated --- no --- that is too harsh a word -- I felt let down.

There must be hints if not explanation for her behavior. And if there were, I must confess I missed them today.

The landscape, the horizon and the banyan tree descriptions were wonderful. At times I felt the tree was too central --- more than the Rupa ---perhaps I missed the whole point and the tree was central?

Except for a typo in para 7 the rest was blemish free --- other than the irritating breaks in paragraphs 7, 20, 27, 34, 39 and 42 for which like last time you will forgive me :)

love,

t

PS: Please read `the Rupa character` in the second last paragraph.

RE: Temporal #3

I wish I hadnt read the replies before going to the article. Now you have scared me with the idea of reading 42 paragraphs:-o

Urstruly #5:

[I wish I hadnt read the replies before going to the article. Now you have scared me with the idea of reading 42 paragraphs:-o]

That is not fair to the author! You must read the story, form your own views and then come here and share with us. Then we can have a honest exchange of views.

I strongly feel like withholding my comments till the interacts reach double digits. Should I do that?

rgds,

t

RE: Temporal

I am just kidding yaar. You know that I am always on your side ;) ustaad ji.

wowzers!

Jawahara,

You write beautifully, and it is always a pleasure to read your stories. However they have a tendency to become like american highways: very pretty, but so straight that driving on them puts one to sleep. I would recommend that you put some ``twist in your tale`` so that they don`t become too predictable.

narain

Jawahara:

Really nice. I loved the way, you describe things.

But why do most of your stories have sad endings?

Satyavadi

Jawahara:

Lovely work. The attention to detail stands out.

``Stark skies, precisely placed stars and the silver luster of the moon,made it appear like a painting in silhouettes.``

Thank you.

And my personal favourite:

``For in the hair is the seductiveness of woman.``

Couldn`t agree more :)

later

-sac

P.S:

temporal: If you REALLY want to write desi English this is how you do it.

................ and to think I took the time to read this ``tale of little meaning, though the words are strong``.........maybe I am getting stupid in my old age, but I completely missed the point of the tree, the hair, the storm, the violent death ....... where is the story - but then sometimes there is no point to what we write ..... like my silly ramblings .....

............ and what`s with temporal .... why is he so anal about grammar and punctuation and words.... why do we have to be constrained by silly rules that long dead bad poets made up ...... what happens if you say you and me instead of I... why can`t I use a . for a pause, two dots for a longer pause, and seven for one that is pregnant...... to hell with caps and spaces and conjugations and prepositions ............ why can`t one just throw up into cyberspace without getting into trouble with the language police ...... irregardless, we would could and should and would continue to tormet temporal and his rooster

They should have listened to the ``sharp tongued woman with a long thin nose`` and cut it down earlier, see what happened to a nice and ``long hair up to her hips`` girl she lost her life for a long lived, ol wicked man...OOPS tree.

Mz

Interesting tale! It reminds me of an old Indian or Bangladeshi movie I saw once about a woman who was cursed and so they married her to a tree and cast her out from the house. Which was at the back of my mind for more recent events, of course... there was a huge storm in that movie too. But I can`t remember how it all turned out.

I love the sensuousness of the piece. You have a way of using just the right words to convey an atmosphere, a time, a place... I love the little bits of the Indian (South Indian?) culture embedded...the coconuts, the red and gold powders at the bottom of the tree... your eye for details is sharp, I like it.

The only thing that bothers me is the heavy use of passive voice. I know it slows the pace, makes the writing more heavy, but in my opinion sometimes it weighs things down.

``Sometimes a fly would alight on the corner of her lip, attracted by a

bead of sweetened tea she had forgotten to lick away. It would take her

a few minutes to flick it away. ``

Ooohh! It was Lovely! I wish I was that fly. :) Aur sweetened Tea to

ek achha bahana bhi na hota.

I started out with a different mindset. Then I was guided to the question

of the girl`s marriage and the anxiety associated with it..aur tabhi beech mein yeh

Banyan Tree tapak pada..? Seemed like a reflection of ``Chipko

Movement``.

Your story follows 3 to 4 strings, you could have easily caught any

one and built a deeper story; but you put all of it together and created

a strange mix..a good stroy though.

{ beauty - marriage - superstition - love - greenpeace}

Your description of Indian summer and the lazy attitude that people sport,

was very good. Mujhe to apne gaon ki yaad aa gayee.

Hum tho chale bhai ishtasion..Gaon ki taraf..Sattu Khaane..

Pullu

(My previous attempt ended in a warning of HTML tag usage. So recollected all that i could and wrote back again...phew..)

hamidm #12

B’raadrum hamid,

You have progressed well since that first ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarh’ you uttered as the gynecologist slapped that pink little behind of yours in the operation theater.

For a while you used that painful ‘aaaaaaarrh’ to indicate your need for attention --- hunger, wetness, discomfort in your cradle.

I would not bother you with minor details from your life from that moment to today. Now you have overgrown that infantile cry and c o m m u n i c a t e with words. Then why this bitching?

And as for this unholy alliance between you and that bird from the other side of the border -- it is enough to drive any sane person to the favorite drink of Victorian spinsters taken in the finest bone china tea cups.

regards,

temporal