Neither Heaven Nor the World Under My Feet

Working does not make a mother worse.

More often than not it helps a woman keep her sanity and be a better mother. Unless someone is blindly driven by ambition and makes her oblivious to all else. Raising a child and keeping house are both very difficult and under appreciated. The sheer monotony of this never ending task makes it sometimes very difficult. I feel great sympathy for the author. Anyone who denies ever feeling like this is in denial(working or not.

I have a toddler and a preschooler and am writing a medical text on a part time position in a hospital setting. My break is when my babysitter comes and I can go off to work for 3-4 hours. It is true,it takes a lot of supportive community at work and home to make this possible. I have often thought of giving up work but I think that is the only time I am totally sane. It really does help me to be a better mother.

Omar1974 #19 Good idea, and God bless you for it. I wont be able to come to New York for the march against the Blasphemy Law, but I do very much support your idea. I`ll send you an email later on this.

PS: Onnaissa, sorry to take up your discussion space on this, but I think you will agree that it is for a good cause.

I am sorry to barge in like this, but Musharraf is in New York staying at the Roosevelt hotel. While he is here it is time to send him a message.

I am prepared to organize a protest against the infamous, immoral, discriminatory, and unIslamic Blasphemy law of Pakistan. As it is Applied, it is nothing more than a political insturment used for the harrassment of minorities.

One Military dictator introduced it as law, another should get rid of it.

I urge all likeminded people who live in the N.Y area to join with me within the next 48 hours. I have already spoken up against the Blasphemy law in Dawn: Letters to the Editor in the past, now its time to take action.

Please e-mail me immediately to join a coordinated protest. The moment is ripe to send a msg, while the eyes of the press are focused on New York & the U.N Millenium summit. The more people that participate, the better. If necessary, i will do it alone. I will respond immediately to all e-mails received with details.

Feel free to copy this msg, & fwd to anyone else in the N.Y area who might be interested, or repost on the web immediately.

OMAR MIRZA

knotyourcupoftea@aol.com

To Satywadi

See I am pissed off right now because you have had the nerve to pass on a judgement about my family which has documented its family History for centuries... Ali Wali Hamdani, was from the Iranian city of Hamdan and he came to Kashmir to spread Islam ...His shrine was burnt down a few years ago by the Indian Army ...

Listen, whereas there might be people amongst Indian Muslims who claim to be what they are not .. you cannot expect me to deny my family history just to conform to your views. If I had completely local blood I would tell you ... to me there is no race more noble than the Pakistani race ... but the truth is that I do have authentic Arab and Persian heritage ... not necessarily something to be proud or ashamed of..

and believe me its not how your family has its Arab or Persian heritage.

And Chowk people please PUBLISH this .

Hello Onaissa!

Thanks for writing such a ``right from the heart`` artcile on being a mother.......and bearing with it all.

Refering to the MASSI FACTOR.........!

you referred in your aticle about your massi (maid) working in the house.....this implies you are some where back home where u can have the luxury of domestic help in your home....... infact, for a well to do family...its not unusual to have a cook, a driver, a maid, a gardner and a sweeper to help with the household chores...... WOWWWW..... compare that with the poor working moms here in the US who have to dump their kids to child care centres to be able to go out for work. It must be difficult to manage kitchen, home, kids and work.....not to mention the husband who is never happy after all this!!!

Cheers to working mothers here in US!!

I am a happy bachelor....... for various reasons I dont find setting up home with a girl to be a worth while idea (serious!!).......

But at the same time......I like the idea of having children in the house......the way children r with all their interest and curiosity in all things around them. When ever I am back home in pakistan from overseas, most of the time I am trying to answer questions from my nephews and neices on how does the aero plane fly and why does the water fall from the skies or what is a ``gowermint``.

Once I ws talking to an old friend of mine and he made an interesting comment ....``in a kid .......we see ourselves born again``........ speak of rebirth and incarnation!! ........

Anyways.......nice to know that u like being where u r.......and I hope u dont take your anger and anxiety on the little kid when ever u r too much worked up!! he is just a little guy.....remember!!

Also,

can u please explain if there is any difference in your relationship with your husband after the birth of your child?? u did mention that he says u look more beautiful (!! that ws serious, right??)......

but what really happens to the romance in the marriege? and how do u keep that going as your attention moves from your relationship with your husband towards everyday things like nappies and baby shopping??

Khair!

good stuff and keep writing!

jay

jay

SR #13:

[I see that you allow your prejudice to sneak in through the back door.....]

I cringe whenever I read this word ‘prejudice’ with its overwhelming negative connotation. I should have started off with ‘in my view’ -- just that ---- any personal observation, or view cannot be objective. In fact it is well near impossible to be purely objective about anything perhaps excepting pure sciences.

Let me assure you they were personal thoughts based less on prejudice and more on predilection; discriminating (only in the positive shades of the word) and perhaps the word I am most comfortable with --- discerning. [dis·cern:
To perceive with the eyes or intellect; detect. To recognize or comprehend mentally.
To perceive or recognize as being different or distinct; distinguish.]

As for following the money trail: point taken :)

Wishes for a safe and pleasurable sojourn.

rgds,

t

I am also a working mother of a six month old bundle of joy and absolutely empathize with you. I know exactly where you are coming from. We are lucky to have parents and other relatives help us with the childcare. Think of the single mothers or even mothers back home (India/Pakistan/Bangladesh) where fathers do not even hold their own child(ren)out of the fear of being labled `biwi ka ghulam`. The real heaven is underneath their feet!!!!

Interesting read, Onaissa. Well written, with a good deal of passion and insight. I get the feeling, though, that there must be a constant fear of dropping one of the juggling balls, and that must be quite stressful.

The issue of a mother`s right to pursue her individual goals is always an intersting one... There are obviously passioante arguments to be heard from both sides. However, I sometimes wonder whether the whole question isn`t framed wrongly when we suppose the mother`s (or father`s) `personal` interests to necessairly conflict with the task of child-rearing.

Of course, I`m not suggesting that career pursuits will not be compromised by `dedicated` child-rearing, but I do wonder whether, when once embraced fully, the task of dedicated motherhood might not be one of the most fulfilling personal experiences one can have in life (going by what many a successful professional - turned full-time mother testify)

Why not full-time fatherhood instead/too? While fathers certainly could and should play a more active role than most desis do, I think there exists a biological imperative for mothers to dote--at least over infants and tots.

...Which is not to say that in particular cases a father may not be a better mother than Mom, and should be the one to stay home instead. Biology is important, but it`s not everything.

regards,

PM



fairdinkum,

just wondering, why is it a bad thing for you to start wanting to have a child ?!? There are worse things, y`know (...Like, u could have twins!!)

temporal # 11

I almost didn`t reply because I`ll be catching a plane in less than 12 hours and will not be able to follow up. But my laundry is being done and I cannot pack until then.

You wrote: [``...Most Desi mothers instinctually and perpetually worry about their children --- even if those children have grand children of their own!

It is much more functional here in the West. Materialism demands its sacrificial goats constantly and with greater regularity than any Eid. The mother child bonding is restrained at best. That is why annually we have dedicated, remorse driven Father’s Day and Mother’s day. That is why one wonders over the paradox why parents here dote more on their pets than over their children...``]

I see that you allow your prejudice to sneak in through the back door. Or is it just a case of developing general notions based on superficial and perfunctory observations?

``Mother child bonding [in the West] is restrained at best``? How many movies did you see before you concluded this?

People everywhere come in all varities. Style must never be confused with substance. Coming from a melodrammatic and hyper-demonstrative culture, we sometime are apt to mistake the lack of emotional display in public as a symptom of cold-heartedness and un-caring.

Imagine a Desi attending an American funeral for the first time. It can be shocking to see the family smile and greet people thanking them for their visit. What? No frantic screems, no breat beating, hair pulling or tearing of clothes? They surely must not love their fathers, husbands, wives, children, brothers, mothers, etc. Try telling a desi that this is due to their culture of non-display of (this kind of) emotion in public.

The desi will come back at you and say, `O they are plenty demonstrative, don`t you see how they are constantly telling each other ``I love you, I love you, I love you`` so disgustingly demostrative, kissing in public? Just for show. Yuk!` The desi will then add that `Our women love their husbands soooo very deeeeply but keep it in their hearts, but never cheapen it by public displays`.

Once during a discussion with a Western friend I was asked `Don`t couples in your culture ever express affection? Or are all of them arranged marriages and there is no love, just duty?` I tried to give the `love in their hearts deeply` argument and added that public display can cheapen the sacredness of emotion. My friend who had spent enough time in India and Pakistan then asked why the frantic public display during grief? It made me think.

Please let us not pass half-baked judgements on the superiority or inferiority of desi over Western mothers, wives, siaters, daughters, friends, brothers, fathers, sons etc.

As for Mother`s Day, Father`s Day, Secretary`s Day, President`s Day, Dog`s Day and Cat`s Day are concerned, that is simply an invention of Hallmark Cards. And yes, Pet food is an over ten billion dollars industry. Just follow the money and you`ll find the answers.

...SR

surrealistic-dreamer,

all children of working mothers dont abandon them in their old age. they might actually respect them more. sometimes mothers who are always there refuse to let go, inhibiting their childs ability to develop relationships with others. do you remember `mommys boys` from school? have you read `life is elsewhere` by milan kundera?

to the person scandalised by working mothers...the word for such women is `strong`. a `strong` woman, brave enough to acknowlege her own needs that might be independent of her child and her husband. particularly in the local context, because everyone and their uncle is dying to make the working mother feel guilty for doing her own thing. maybe some men feel threatened by such women, and maybe some other women feel cheated that the collective pool of bitterness has failed to capture another victim.

shereyar..about the people who sit alone in front of their computers at night and listen to the silence in their house..maybe a couple like that is building their own relationship so that when their (future) kids grow up and move away they wont be bored with each other. and they`ll have figured out ways to deal with the empty nest syndrome. whaddya think?

Onnaisa:

(I was going to plead the fifth .... but the discussion is turning interesting.)

First, though a warm welcome for you at the Chowk.

Parent child relationship may be second or third oldest relationship. What amazes me is how it has evolved in the laid back East vs. the go-get West. In the Desiland the relationship between a child and mother remains stronger than in the West. Most Desi mothers instinctually and perpetually worry about their children --- even if those children have grand children of their own!

It is much more functional here in the West. Materialism demands its sacrificial goats constantly and with greater regularity than any Eid. The mother child bonding is restrained at best. That is why annually we have dedicated, remorse driven Father’s Day and Mother’s day. That is why one wonders over the paradox why parents here dote more on their pets than over their children.

---shrug-----

Yaar yeh sab hota aaya hay aur hota rahey ga. Bachchay apnay maaN baap say laRRaiN gay aur phir with age they will sound like their parents!

----some pet peeves and digression----

DESI FATHERS

(these are my general observations of Desi fathers)

A overwhelming majority of them are good-time fathers. Really, begins from their absence in the hospital delivery room (urgh! so much blood and geek, I’d faint) to their lack of involvement in washing the baby, feeding, changing diapers and doing various other chores, walking, burping the baby (some can’t do it on their own.) and in early infancy, scheduling sleep so that the mother can sleep some. Sohail and some other friends, excepted.

Yes, they will get really within bristle distance when getting that family portrait done to be sent for that prized corner in their parents’ living room and they may visit the schools on parents day at least twice in the entire high school career.

IRONY

But whether parents rear their children well or not there comes that inevitable moment when the precocious teenager, now potty trained and able to order fries from the local joint calmly professes to know everything ---’you don’t know nothing, Dad’. Yeah, right!


Children are like the other thing most often mentioned that we can’t do with or without. Both have their memorable moments. Both are hard to live without.

:)

regards,

temporal

PS: Keep writing and sharing other insights.

Funnily I just completed the book moth smoke and so the initial image that struck me was that of Mumtaz.

Being an ``involved`` father of two (highly energetic) boys I will say that kids do take there toll during the intial years. I look back that the last seven years of parenthood and there are admitedly both good and bad stuff that was a consequence of having kids. On the bad, I suffered professionally due to lack of sleep and bosses that just didnt understand my need for flexibility (ironically all of whom were single women). However recently I saw one of these ex-bosses. I tell lonliness is a terrible thing. It dries up the soul. Its these damn kids keeping us up at night and driving us totally up a wall that brings that element of ``life`` back into our existences. Take a good look at successful professionals that dont have to deal with the kid element in their lives. The freedom is very tempting but at the end of the day, the week, the year, they are alone, sitting at their computer, by the TV, the silence in their house deafning. Do I prefer my two year olds ear drum shattering shouts that pierce the depths of my brain like no other sound? Maybe. But having a moment of silence and peace is a good idea too.

I have always wondered at the metamorphosis from a woman to a mother.

From whatever memories I have of my early childhood, I know I troubled her a lot. I also remember shouting at her sometimes, ``Tum meri sauteli Maa ho, tabhi mujhe marti rehti ho``. At times I have had her in tears.

Now after many years of living away from her(first residential school then graduation and now job), I find it so very strange at times that she could laugh through my pranks.

Your article took me back through many wonderful(!!) memories, and many more which my mother tells but i don`t remember.

Yes, I do wonder, what is it that gives a Mother so much strength, so much Patience and that unlimited belief in her children?

I wish you all the Love,

Pullu

PS: You have awakened my desire to have a little girl of my own.... :) I wish I hadn`t read you piece :)

All the best!

Well, political correctness business aside, and by the way SR, there is at least one species of birds without wings. KIWI, a native of New Zealand being one example. And I am sure there must be at least one species of fish that doesn’t swim :) I really enjoyed this piece.

Onaissa,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful experience, and your profound feelings of love towards your baby with us. I must admit I love kids! My wife to be must bear me at least six or else…….. :)

Here is poem especially for you…. It’s my favorite.

The sleep that flits on baby`s eyes
does anybody know from where it comes?
Yes, there is a rumour that it has its dwelling where,
in the fairy village among shadows of the forest dimly lit with glow-worms,
there hang two timid buds of enchantment.
From there it comes to kiss baby`s eyes.
The smile that flickers on baby`s lips when he sleeps
does anybody know where it was born?
Yes, there is a rumour that a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing autumn cloud, and there the smile was first born in the dream of a dew-washed morning
The smile that flickers on baby`s lips when he sleeps.
The sweet, soft freshness that blooms on baby`s limbs
does anybody know where it was hidden so long?
Yes, when the mother was a young girl it lay pervading her heart in tender and silent mystery of love
the sweet, soft freshness that has bloomed on baby`s limbs

Tagore

The term ``working mother`` is a linguistic redundancy. It is like saying `swiming fish` or `winged birds`.

Women who do not leave their children in someone else`s care and go to `work` in an office, are also `working mothers`. To think of them as the `non-working` type is wrong. Being a full-time mother (without the assistance of any Massi or nanny or baby sitter) is one of the hardest jobs possible. Being employed outside does not make a mother any more of the `working` kind than if she is not employed outside. If anything, a stay-at-home mother has a harder time of it and, I dare say, ends up working far more than the `woking mom` who has an eight hours a day repreive from her `non-working` job while someone else is picking up the slack.

The world went on before us and will go on long after we leave. No one is indispensable and no job remains undone if we are not there to do it. This is, of course, pertaining to outside employemt. Our children, however, pass through the stages of childhood only once and if we are not there all along (at least the first three years) many a gap remain unfilled forever. To miss out on such precious moments as when they take their first step or say the first word is not worth all the office-work in the world.

As for husbands not participating in the nitty gritty of child care, they alone are the losers. I know of no greater pleasure than being a full-time, hands-on daddy.

...SR