The Burden of Virginity

the problem with losing your virginity is simple,

sex is like pringles, once you pop you can`t stop!!

krashid,

i am not worried how good others are, because i am so confeident in my abilities, that i am sure i can make it happen for whomever i`m with.

I think you get married on one date...and from that date on I will be faithfull to my wife and expect her to be so. You dont get married with ``retrospective effect``, its a contract drawn on a particular date and effective from that date. Because if you carry such old emotional baggage around in you marriage than I think your life would be hell, even from that date you would have so many worries that worring about past seems futile to me.

But I dont recomend pre-marital sex...as even its not found out, you will still feel guilty and comparisions comes in too...which is practically not good...what if you experiance was great and shes/hes a great lover and your spouse if lousy... your in for life-time regret.

Abysmil

Now that you have seen that most of the people here have expressed their future intentions with a ``bulund khoodi``; may I suggest that you should now pose this question to the people who have already been through the ``pillow-talk`` with their spouses and find out where their ``Khoodi`` is at.

She`s a man-eater

(From The Friday Times)



I have a maid whose husband, an old man in his sixties, died of a heart attack when they were ``in bed``. That must be terrible. Imagine trying to come to grips with the fact that it was your enthusiasm that killed someone. If that`s not enough to inhibit you for the rest of your life, I don`t know what is. But inhibitions? No. We have none here. She scoffs at another maid whose husband beats her up, saying the latter deserves it for not ``satisfying`` him. After all, her own husband died from a case of over-satisfaction.



Much as this colourful character shocks me, she pales in comparison to some of the other beauties that I have had. I mean, at least she was married to the guy. I can never forget Aasia, a young maid of mine who was caught in the act with ``her brother``, who was visiting for the weekend; or Bano, my mother`s toothless old maid who insisted on sharing her charpai with a young relative whom my father had nicknamed ``the conservative nephew``.



What I remember most is their wide-eyed amazement when confronted: what`s the big deal anyway? There was this young girl in my mother`s house who was found draped all over the carpenter by some painters in the house. When the painters complained about the besharmi, behayai, and all sorts of other words beginning with `` be``, my mother called the maid, hoping to shame her into mending her ways. When asked what she had been doing with the carpenter, the maid calmly replied, `` Ji mein uss ki godi main baithi hooi thi``. (I was sitting in his lap). My mother could only come up with an embarrassed, ``Don`t do it again``. Needless to say, the liaisons with the carpenter did not end. But what I have wondered about ever since is, in situations like these, how can you ever find the right thing to say? It`s all very well to rave and rant about morality, abstinence and the virtues of monogamy, but as far as these people are concerned, they really don`t know what the fuss is all about. So who are the real freaks here? Them or us? Is it they who are shameless or us who are prudish and hypocritical?



To be honest, when I moved back three years ago to the Land of the Pure, all moralistic and patriotic, I had not given much thought to the sex lives of servants, not that I had wanted to, either. But the simple reality of trying to run a house in Pakistan makes you realise there are only two options: the first is to turn a blind eye to what happens and the second is to try and ensure that the promiscuity does not exceed all levels of decency. Once you`ve tried the second option for a few months - like I did - you also realise that only the first option is available in reality.



When we first set up shop in Lahore, we hired Nasreen, the former friend of the carpenter who had since repented her sins and married the gardener`s brother. Our thinking was that the newly married couple would keep each other occupied. Wrong. After Nasreen had given birth to their first child, her husband decided that he wasn`t quite getting his manly dues. Being the understanding little wife that she was, Nasreen assisted him in a threesome with Shagufta, another young maid who eventually accused them of coercing her into it. We had no choice but to turn the young couple out. A week later, Shagufta was overheard telling someone that she missed Nasreen`s husband. Fickle? Naw! After all a woman has a right to change her mind, right?!



Next in line was another maid whose entire family swore she was so `` sharif`` it was only a matter of time before she became a saint. One month later, the chowkidar found the roof of her quarter littered with mithas. Further investigation revealed that the mithas came from the neighbours` houseboy who had been slinging fruit at her window to catch her attention. I sent my husband over to complain to the neighbours, only to learn that the flying fruit was apparently a standard signal for the neighbourhood boys and that there had been any number of visitors to our maid`s quarter.



By now, it was time for some serious introspection. Surely I was doing something wrong - why else would I be attracting all the nymphos of the Punjab? Had I been too lenient, too Westernised in my approach? Was it time for the danda method yet?



Apparently not. I found out that just about everyone around me had been faced with similar situations. The story that won hands down though, was of a friend`s grandmother, a dignified sari-clad lady, who ventured into the servants` quarters one night, looking for the chowkidar. After repeated calls, she opened the door of his room, only to be greeted with the entertaining sight of her butt-naked Pathan trying to push three hijras out of the roshan daan! Now tell me that`s not kinky.



Still, the consensus here is that no matter how shocked we may get at some of our employees` extra-curricular activities, the blind eye method operates best, at least until the problems become too severe to ignore. After all, most of us know nothing about these people who work in our homes. Their lives have always been about survival, about doing what it takes and getting their pleasures while they can. And our comfortable platitudes make no more sense to them than Marie Antoinette`s remarks did to the Paris mob. If they resent us for shoving our upper-class moralities down their throats, it`s for good reason. Many of our values are but frivolous luxuries. The working class simply do not have the stability and certainty that we take for granted. When it comes to entertainment, we have a slightly more varied palette of options than they do. So who are we to take away one of their primary sources of enjoyment?



And who am I kidding anyway? For short of chaining your household help, you have no chance of controlling ``what comes naturally``. Recently a family friend hired a grotesque, middle-aged, Quasimodo look-alike woman as a cook in the hope that she wouldn`t attract the wrong kind of attention. She has a one-armed lover down the street already.

Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and its gone. This whole issue is utter rubbish.

The CHOWK is obviously a very middle class society because no one else cares about such a non-issue. In today`s real Pakistan virginity is largely a moot point. ONLY the tiny middle class espouses such anachronistic values. The rich don`t need them and the poor can`t afford them.

Among the rural people and among the urban poor pre and extra marital sex is far more common than one would think. Among the `virtuous` middle classes, on the other hand, extra-marital sex is at epidemic proportions as that is when the poor young women get some modicum of freedom.

What are we doing to discuss next, lota vs. toilet paper? How losing the lota habit is a Western danger we need protect our `paak` youngsters from lest they fall victim to the `paleet` method of wiping their smeared posteriors with toilet paper?

Tauba tauba, aztaghfaar!

...SR

It would definitely loose my confidance on her because it means she had loved anybody else before and she got married to me in another kind of circumstances that forced her to marry me. However, I believe in ``Second to none.

What you wnat to say or what is your thinking please let me know because I want to listen all.

Best regards:

Roger 99

What is your age honey.

Will see you after your marriage.

This 5 year old babbling of yours will stop.

Ali 5000!

Or may be ``Chohara`` (date), if her experience was great in other`s bed.:-)

if my new wife tells me that she is not a virgin, i would be glad, because than she can truly appreciate my greatness in bed, because she has something to compare it to!!

Most of the adult South Asian virgins living overseas are so not by choice (even though they will claim otherwise). All this hoohaa is utter nonsense. Follow your biological needs and urges, keep it safe, and enjoy. End the bitterness against human needs and behavior. If you can`t, go seek help.

Virginity is a bad word as far as I am concerned. Growing up full of harmones in India is a bug pain in the wrong places. Mine was especially compounded by the fact that when I was looking out to err.. to procreate without creating things were a lot duller than the scene now. The past is not too far back - am now in early 30s now.

Zahra hit it on the head when she says ``no woman who isnt married and south asian will confess that openly to not being a virgin. ``

There was such a premium on virginity, that I couldn`t get in anywhere. Not that there were no girls, I fortunately got close to a few nice ones. In most cases the deal was we can go so far but no further...unless there is a commitment! How can a person of honor give a commitment when the future is not clear?? Or the intentions are NOT to give commitments?? It has been a frustrating life. Bless their souls I liked my friends/girlfriends but my life would have been so much more fulfilling if not for Desi fixation on virginity. So, I cast my vote against virginity!

Coming to Bismil`s question, here are some tips from someone who has been there, done that -

For those about to get married, men or women I don`t think relating about your past experience on your wedding night is a very bright thing to do. If you must talk about it, do it before the wedding. If it didn`t come up till the wedding, preferably keep it to yourself for ever after.

And if you are a male, you must be sensitive to the woman who trusted you by avoiding discussing her by name. In the desi context, rumors(or facts) can harm her a lot.

thanx

In which age are you living, honey?

I certainly won`t kick my bride out of my room if I discover on the wedding night that she`s not a virgin. She had a right to spend her life the way she wanted. Well that`s how I feel? And I must add that I`m still a virgin.

dl#102

I was definitely not referring to you, but question posed in this article.

In arranged marriage, I think discovery needs time and not on the wedding night.

Second, I am not fond of the institution of marriage. It is only a feather in cap for some men or women. (Somebody likes me so much as to marry). It can be done without marriage. Majority of marriage in my State is common law marriage, meaning people living together for many years without proper marriage. They put it on paper, if need arise. Like insurance for spouse etc. I take it as normal, as long as there is commitment to children.

Basically institution of marriage is related to children. Children need both parents. All the studies suggest positive aspect of both parent children vs single parent children. And this is also my observation. Why the sacredness of marriage?. Basically why I should bring up other persons child? And probably that is the reason for demand of fidelity on the part of female by males.

As long as women and men understand that children are the responsibility of both parents and the primary purpose of marriage, I think lot of misunderstanding regarding women`s Lib (ido) etc will be smashed.

Women should be LIBERATED:-) or be married, but not both.

Same goes for man. But since child does not come out of man`s womb, probably he is more strict regarding fidelity of wife.:-)

zehra 97,

What`s wrong with a ``blushing`` groom?

A very good friend of mine (Caucasian) decided to be a virgin till his wedding night, and he`s the most wonderful guy, very open too.

I don`t see anything wrong with guys ``saving`` themselves for marriage. More power to them.

Omar #99,

Holy moly! Either you`re a sex ed. teacher or you`ve been reading the Redbook too much.

DAMN!

cheez/sherry.
that was so painful to read. im usually the first to let spelling mistakes and uncapitalized letters and missing puncuation and stuff go (be kicked out) in the benign spirit of anti-establishment movments but good god! youve taken it to different heights...i could, like, not follow. and youve moved me enough to want to comment on your horrible command of the written word. do you just not know how to write or is that your Istyle? i know its inappropriate to comment on this (on this board and in general) but i am just amazed. i literally stumbled through that. that too barely.