The Burden of Virginity

a.bismal,

I`m surprised to hear that no one really talks about the violation of mutual trust involved in this wedding night scenario. I think that the rules of virginity apply equally to guy or girl--there should be no double-standard. If the guy had admitted the same thing, I would be equally outraged. The issue for me isn`t the physical act of losing one`s virginity (ie the hymen or whatever), but the emotional/spiritual/and even physical cost involved in sex in general.

Sex in this society has been reduced to a very physical and sensual act. ``Everybody is doing it`` is the popular mantra (if you want to be like everybody else!) Instead, sex has a spiritual and vulnerablility aspect too, that can be lost altogether, or if ignored/forgotten, can be taken advantage off. It can lose some of its meaning. I would suggest that people who DON`T see a big deal in virginity are probably missing out on something.

For all our Western beliefs of being ``free``, there are a large number of burdens that come with it, some of which you mentioned and are just not worth it (the pragmatic argument). Alternatively, ``saving oneself for marriage`` is an investment you make in yourself and in your spouse...it speaks to your own self-worth, and even self-discipline. If you appreciate this kind of healthy self-appreciation and strength, you`ll probably seek it in a spouse and in yourself. Probably if you`re a virgin, you have other values that come along with it that also speak toward the same strengths. No one`s asking you to become a monk, but some restraint is an attractive quality. Say what people want, no one wants to live with a ``slut``, whether guy or girl.

There is also the lurking fear in the minds of desis that somehow a spouse who has been *there * will automatically compare every subsequent experience with it.

Fear of inadequacy perhaps ?? What if you don`t measure upto it - after all first experiences are known to influence people profoundly...right ?

In my response I will only assume the arrange marriage situation

Firstly, if you are getting married desi style I would hardly think that wedding night would be the time in particular when you will talk about such thing, unless its a question of insecurity. The simple reason is that it will be too late in the night and both parties (the bride and the groom) are too tired too even think of sex.

However, if such conversation does take place there could be few scenarios and possible indication of your future - 1) If the marriage is arranged but the bride and the groom both has been ``around the block``, a rational guy would be understanding and most probably it would be a non issue or at the least he would prefer not to know. Otherwise, you will find out what your mother told you to be true.

2) If the guy is a ``virgin`` and does expect his newly weded wife to be the same then again it is on the rationality of the person in question and how stronly he feel about virginity.

My point is its really not about sex its about how one feels (negatively or positively) about it.

I guess a bride who wasnt a virgin wouldnt be blushing too much . . . comparing maybe . . .

Hamid M:

I love your writing style. It is witty, informative, original and ruthless. Keep up the good work.

regards

Harpreet

are you UNCHARTERED territory or UNCHARTED territory? LOL

#47, #48
Its sometimes a topsy-turvy world in a liberal democracy. If your mother advises you about it, and leaves you in no doubt about some of the real consequences for you and others close to you, bad bad, its straight-out indoctrination to be rejected out of hand. However, if a great liberal democracy decides to invest taxpayer dollars in school programs where your teachers are paid to preach abstinence to you, thats quite alright. If a huge number of voters feel strongly that government-funded faith-based programs ought to teach `values` after school, wonderful. Also if some big shots try to look good in an election year by making a public show of persuading media moghuls to refrain from leading young people astray through popular culture, thats also just the greatness of the great liberal democracy. But your mom or dad or community or traditional religion/culture influencing you on the matter of your `free choice` as well, unh unh, soooo uncool.

Also, apparently, its kosher to care a whole lot about what your prospective mate looks like or wears including tattoos :-) or what common interests you share or the music you both listen to, even often what car he/she drives, but wondering about his/her previous sexual history, no no thats crossing the line.

Its sometimes a topsy-turvy world :-).

Sadhana

RE: Sadna #57

I just got crushed, squished, and splatted under your topsy turvey world. The logic that you usually use is beyond the reaches of my feable mind. Anyway you are entitled to your opinion-For me I think it will take a day or two to sink in.

PS. Plz ignore the harsh tone in this reply, not deliberately intended-I think I have been a li`l bit hard on you lately.

Dukhtay/tee * * *, ristay/tee * * * ko RaKhShee ka salaam...

RE: Kestion answer session on Suhaag raat

I think the first follow up question was nicely advertised in the classic filum Sholay:

kitnay aadmee thay woooh??

Dear Ms A Bismil

I would not be happy. Not because I think that she is ``evil`` or ``bad`` because she had premarital sex, but because I know that she knew that virginity is an issue in a Pakistani marriage. She (presumably) had an opportunity to convey this piece of information to me _before_ the signing of marriage documents, yet she did not. This implies that she intentionally and willfully cheated me as a first act of marriage. A relationship that begins with lying and cheating is rarely a fulfilling one for either party.

hth

DQ

One would hope he would know his bride before the wedding night and make his decision then. In this day and age I would expect my wife to maintain the same standards and sense of morality as I do. In other words, if I`m not a virgin, I wouldn`t hold her to a double standard.

After reading all the interacts, I`d like to clarify some points.

1) The gist of my message was that women should NOT base decisions about their body upon cultural standards, but to use their own common sense.

My personal common sense is to abstain until I find the right person. If that means waiting, so be it. I`d rather have it mean something other than just a thrill seeking adventure. We have bunjee jumping for that.

2) Some interactors believe that my message seems too contrived. WEll, the fact of the matter is, I said what I felt. Maybe I am simple minded. I`ve used my personal experiences and values to make the decision.

You all have raised very interesting points. I wish I could reply individually, but there are only 24 hours in one day, and too much work to do.

sadna #57

Sadhana,

What a wonderful post! Thoroughly enjoyed it! :) very desi, with a scent of Hindustani/Pakistani mitti approach to dissecting the issue at hand :)
Simple, and yet very practical and brilliant.

I thought only my mother talks like that :) Except for your comment about the sexual history, the rest is indistinguishable from what my mother talks about all the time. :)(i hope you are not offended, i mean it as a compliment)

accha yar theek hai, ammi nay sab khuch bataya tha aur acchi tarah samjha diya tha keh kya theek hai aur kya ghalat hai.. terms like liberal democracy waghira tu apan show marnay kay liya use kartay hain… :) ab yay baat bus apnay tak hi rakhan … theek hai? :)

In principal, I concur with you 100%. It sometimes, really, is a topsy-turvy world :-).

fairdinkum #63

Thanks for your words, kind or unkind :-). You make very good points, don`t mind my going off on a tangent to blow off steam :-).

I just haven`t been able to understand how when one`s life choices are based on matching exactly what one`s peers do, or what one`s favorite pop idol does, down to dressing, it is considered to constitute a liberal outlook of independence and free choice.

Sadhana

RE: Fairdinkum #63

Jesus! God! Allah! Russel!
Get a grip-for cryin` out loud.

What if the bride is not virgin because she was raped in past ?????

how many men will understand, and belive it?