The Burden of Virginity

{Too many interesting articles and responses on chowk and here i am sitting with my dumb code, trying to make some sense out of it :( }

In-laws...what if they find out...that typical, ``kal-moonhi, pehley se hi moonh kala kar ke aayi thee iss ghar mein.Hai... mere chand jaisey betey ki zindagi barbad kar di iss chudail ney``.

And how does one get her mother-in-law to understand that it is okay nowadays to indulge oneself now and then before marriage?

The guy, it would be HIS fault. He should have asked the girl much earlier than wait for the curtain to rise on the wedding night.

Is pre-marital sex a matter of choice or a matter of opportunity?

Whatever the girl`s compulsions, these issues should have been brought much earlier. And on the wedding night, she would only be naive to expect a ``no problem smile`` from her hubby.

The situation in the article sounded more like jeetendra`s movie. I could actually imagine jaya prada as the bride.

In reality, i actually dread such a situation...sincerely i don`t know how i`ll respond...what will i say..?

Tho lut gaye...lut gaye...



pullu

sadna #64

Well, if you ask me, matching exactly what one’s peers do, or what one’s favorite pop idol does, down to dressing, does not constitute a true liberal outlook of independence and free choice. In my view, all it constitutes is exchanging indoctrination (in whatever forms/varieties they exist in our culture/tradition), to something even less meaningful and hollow. This, as you rightly point out, unfortunately is the trend amongst our desi population who seem to be more interested in or fearful of (as the case may be depending on who you talk to) superficial, and sometimes unwarranted (in my view) side effects of liberal democracies/western culture than its essence and spirit responsible for delivering the real freedom of choice/liberty/social justice in western societies. deekha I can write long sentences too:)

I was thinking about your statement: “……wondering about his/her previous sexual history, no no thats crossing the line.” And some of the statements I have made in this regard :)

What would be some of the reasons relevant to our culture/people (in terms of cultural practices/norms, sociology, religious influences etc.), which may make us, feel uncomfortable about exploring/talking about the sexual history of our perspective partners?
Why would some of us want to keep our own sexual history a well-guarded secret? These are some of the questions we need to answer to develop a reasonable understanding of the issue you have raised in your above statement.

The issue you have raised in your above statement is more relevant, important, and strikes at the heart of the very issue, which the author has endeavored to explore in her piece (in a rather crude manner, I must say)....

urstruly,

hmmm, accha theek hai yar..ab khatum...

fairdinkum #68
My statement about independence and free choice and my earlier post #57 related solely to `` my opinion`` about the choices of American/American-born teenagers/young people generally. It may hold true among desis?

Re` history, I didnot mean in the sense of discussing or revealing, I meant as in `facets` of a person`s life. Without trying to pronounce judgement on these facets, I will say I think Western `liberal` societies are less realistic (almost wilfully) than desi societies wrt anticipating consequences of an individual`s actions on the individual and those around her/him.
Back to #1, I think?
Sadhana

IT`S ALL ABOUT FREEDOM STUPID!


In our senseless pursuit of individual freedom we have totally ignored those who cannot speak for themselves. I am talking about the little angels whose souls are burning as fuel in our engine of progress and freedom. Could someone please tell me if KIDDIE PORN is my right or my freedom? Or is it just a commodity that I can buy over the counter.

I wish I were dead after seeing the following site. I have not only lost my peace of mind, for good, but also my faith in humanity and god who claims to be benevolent and all.


http://www.ipass.net/

Zara Hussain #66,

Care to elaborate? ;-)

Well thats a very ineteresting and straight forward question. I have noticed the increased number of very talented female writers here on chowk recently and its good to know that at least some part of our geneartion has definite (non-tabboo) views about human sexuality.

I wouldnt go in much detail at this time, but I cant resist writing a response to this article either so here is what I would do.

I would do NOTHING AT ALL. More power to her !!!Sexuality is private part of one`s life, just like a man has his way in our society I very truly believe that a woman does too, if she choses to let someone in her life in an intimate way before she ties a knot, there`s absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. Every human being male and females alike should have full control over their spiritual, sexual and mental growth and learning.

Just be aware of the selfish ones and enjoy !!!

Zehra Rizvi ......

My comments were anything but hypocritical.

When I mentioned *pressure *, I was explaining the general perspective. When I mentioned *sin * I was explaining religious perspective; which is also pesonal.

I don`t see how people`s perception of an act could, in any way, be remotely associated with my perception of an issue!

Hence, outside the realms of *hypocritical *.

Zara,

Read Interaction #13 for your question.

Yours,

Mansoor Faridi.

Tauba-Astaghfaar!

``What`s virginity it`s a major issue on a simple tissue`` this statement resonates in my mind as I sit here and read your article A.Bismil.

I heard this statement as a teenager growing up in lahore at a local college called L.C.A.S. and it was mentioned to me by a girl, I was surprised to hear this coming from a paki girl, but it was hilarious never the less, but the implications of this statment are not.

Virginity,honor, shame are all connected together

in web so powerful that, very few dare to break out of it, but as virginity on decline in an Islamic Pakistan and sexual experimentation on the rise, I am a bit skeptical how many of the goody two shoe girls haven`t done the been there done it routine, this might seem a bit harsh to some of the readers, but it`s true!

media has effected the morality of the young generation amazingly, soical values have changed to, plus women play a wider roe in the social strata of present day Pakistan.

I believe in female empowerment, it`s a good thing and I am not going to question, what ppl choose to do for personal sexual or non-sexual gratificaton.

I am not going going to play the religious card either, since I don`t consider my self to be a Islamic scholar neither do I impose Islam on others, religion is a private affair.

Coming back to the point though, the writer has asked what would the reader a male would do incase, he finds out on his wedding night that she is not the pristine virgin goddess that he aspired to marry, but somebody who has lost something to which our society put`s a lot of emphasis.

I can`t speak for other`s, but in my case, it all depends on a number of factors, we all make mistakes big, small etc.

Circumstances in which we commit such acts, and is there a certain degree of regret associated with it, I would have a problem if my wife has slept with the whole cricket team and she does it without thinking about the social consequnces then

offcourse, that`s the beginning of the end right there, but if she has had a random incident where she did it because she was madly in love with somebody and her love for this man took the better part of her judgment, and she regrets and agrees to be faithful with me than who am I to judge to her, because to reject her would be to brand her as a ``Bad Girl`` the social consquences of ditching a girl on her wedding night are horrific and I strognly believe no parent or woman should be put through it.

I will give her the benefit of the doubt and from that day on never repeat the incident, it would be like nightmare fogotten, and if all works out then live happily ever after.

After all, God is the final judge of all our acts, none of us could claim to be angels so why play God and give judgement on others, accept ppl with there imperfections, if they are worth it.

One final word, hymen can also break because vigours atheltic activity, like if you are runner or something, so just to assume it and think your wife is unpure without giving her a chance to explain herself would be so chauvinistic, I mean so many more men do it then woman and get away with it just cause they are ``MEN`` is so unfair and

based on double standards.

I am a first time interactor own CHOWK, I love reading the articles on it, I just had to write an answer for this one, I found it to be really thought provoking, I think most ppl can relate with it in one way or the other :)

PakWolf

Welcome to Chowk...

I have a lot of friends/acquaintances from LCAS...

maybe you know them... Saif,Yusuf,Fahad Siddiqui etc ?

Yasser

I can only comment retrospectively as I have been married for 10+ years. It would not matter. After 10 years of regular sex with my wife, there are more important things. Sex is still interesting but now it is no longer a top priority.

A. Bismal

I really enjoyed reading your article the way you described your mother`s conversation.

You will not sleep with a man before marriage due to insecurity and emotional hang ups etc, and not because of the conviction that it is culturally

and religiously wrong. Am i right?

Ans. to your Q. Let God be her Judge and not me.

If my good spirit dominates the devil one, i will

treat her nice, and be a better person. If i make

God`s creation happy, i believe God be happy with

me.

Regards,

Pigeon

what would you do if your blushing bride told you she wasn`t a virgin on your wedding night?

most of guys who have a problem with that themselves are not virgins. so why should it bother them?

PS virgins are not good lovers.

I`d like to ask the men reading: what would you do if your blushing bride told you she wasn`t a virgin on your wedding night?

Hi!

I just read your article and feel that there is no one easy answer to your question.Please do not generalise about men.You seem to hve forgotten that men are human beings and can feel differently towards a particular issue.

Best Regards,

Raj.