The Burden of Virginity

“I`d like to ask the men reading: what would you do if your blushing bride told you she wasn`t a virgin on your wedding night?”

A. Bismil Bibi, welcome to chowk!

I reckon many men and women have explored this subject many a times… So, your piece is not really a virgin :) . And we don’t even need a white bed sheet on wedding night to prove that :)

As for your above question, I doubt any South Asian bride would ever do that…. however, if I ever faced such a situation (which is highly unlikely), I would:

a)be in a slight trouble – why? Knowing my woman, I am absolutely positive that the only reason she would tell me this is to extract information on this matter from me :)

b)hit the iron when it’s hot! Let me elaborate…. Since she has confessed about not being a virgin, I would innocently tell her that what she did was wrong, but I am an open minded person and I forgive her… I reckon she’d be my slave for the rest of her life…don’t you agree? :) And the question of who is going to do which household chores would never arise… :)

On a serious note, why should I expect my woman to have the “product specifications” that I don’t have? (alright, in a woman, certain physical specifications are essential and every man has a right to expect those in his woman) ………. I like the Pentagon policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” on this matter… it’s a good healthy policy…

On a more serious note, you are right about the downside of having casual sex/casual relationships…sometimes it ain’t worth it.. and if you can live without having casual sex/relationships until you find the “one” you know is “the one” (don’t ask me how), you are much better off on your own… I don`t know about you, but I find the grief and pain of relationship failures rather ominous now..

On an absolutely serious note, this matter needs an in-depth analysis…

Why do ancient/semi ancient cultures put so much value on woman’s virginity? (this issue, btw, is not restricted to a particular culture or religion)

Is it an evil, backward, absurd tradition? - a product of our centuries old, conservative, male dominated, patriarchal societies?

Or is there something deeper, which the wise elders of our culture/society point to when they insist on the value of virginity?

virginity, if referring to the existance of that famously brittle integument, is a hoax. The earlier one gets rid of it the better. As far as I am concerned, I would prefer a girl with `that look in her eyes` as my bride since I find it difficult to tolerate blushing women.

Sorry, temporal, I only know of two ratios:

The US Army went from a ratio of 1.9:10,000 (general rank officers to enlisted men) in 1945 to 6.4 in 1980. I believe its gotten worse since then.

The Russians are at about 1:833 now! Just about the highest in history, I would think.

Incidentally, there is another ``Law`` of military efficiency that might interest you: ``The side with the fanciest military uniforms will lose.`` I believe it was more applicable to the pre-1940 armies more than the post 1945 ones but its still a good law.

Regards.

If you haven`t lost your virginity by a certain age lets say 23 it actually becomes more and more difficult to get rid of it. Women especially hang onto it as some sort of a treasure that will be bestowed upon the lucky one. They also find perfectly logical explanations to support their stand as that article illustrates.

Now what I`d like to see is an equivalent article from a 28 year old male virgin from Sialkot who is studying in Oklahoma State.

later

-sac

Many pre-modern cultures (and I use the term knowing its negative connotations--Political Correctness and multiculturalness be damned!) have the same virginity fetish that we do. I believe in some Greek Macedonian villages (obviously the really remote ones) its still customary for the girl`s mother-in-law to display the bloodstained sheet the next morning as `proof` of virginity. Intelligent wives, husbands and/or mothers-in-law would of course arrange for there to be some blood on the sheet irrespective of virginity.

Assuming you take a few basic precautions (condoms for one), there are really very few physical risks attached to having sex, marital or otherwise. I am not advocating nymphomania or satyrism but serial monogamy has nothing wrong with it. Emotional issues are another matter entirely but that is a result of the head-games your mother played with you.

The subversion of female sexuality - the repression of female desire (by name calling e.g. ``slut`` ``na hanjar`` ``randi`` by physical violance e.g. Saima Waheed etc. by excommunication and social censure as you have described) was created to control and dominate women. It was created so that women had a difficult time choosing the right mates for them (so that their fathers / mothers could enact the right sort of economic or social alliance). It was created so that the legitimate mates (the right lovers for a woman - by ``right`` I mean : the right age, the right looks, the right feelings and interests) were excluded. It was created by some powerful men (ugly, fat, mean and without interest in life) who wanted to prevent the compatible men and women from loving each other.
These patriarchs (fat, ugly powerful feudal lords, prophets, kings etc.) have used everything from violance to achieve their ends to discrete mental subjugation and brainwashing (religion).
Now to the question : I`d like to ask the men reading: what would you do if your blushing bride told you she wasn`t a virgin on your wedding night?
If you are at a point where you have to ask such a question then I dread the future of my three sisters (who by the way live in Karachi).
I would tell you : you are amongst the wrong people. Come join us - who have walked away from this madness. I would tell you what I tell my sisters : get a career, become financially strong, move out of their house (and community) , live on your own and ponder in solitude. After that you will not need to know the answers to such questions.
But if you insist - I LOVE asking my bride_s_ about their first love, their first kiss, their steamiest encounters, their most passionate love making. Recollection of erotic memories works as useful foreplay. On the whole it is a lot more work if a woman is a virgin. She does not hit the ground running because most of their sexuality is either repressed or needs work. Is it any wonder so many women rarely ever have orgasms? ( though bad, selfish men are to blame also) Virgins ofcourse have the right to do whatever they want (nothing wrong with choosing to be celibate as long as they know they are choosing to retard their sexuality- after all some men like to make love to children also).
(BTW use some other word for the guy who impregnated this clueless girl and then married some cousin. Call this marauder a typical Pakistani, or a typical frustrated Arab out to sow his seeds, call him a deserter, call him a brute and a misogynist but don`t call him a casanova or a playboy - they are men of honor, gentlemen with a strict code, sculpted warriors with a mission : destroy hate and deliver love from its chains. They never leave their customers un satisfied. But just because most men like to pretend or would like to imagine they were casanovas, it does not make them one)

After going through some literature from female writers exclusively written for females I have reached to the conclusion that woman get a sadistic as well as a masochistic, near orgasmic pleasure by imagining this fantasy.

A superficial analysis may lead us to ``repressed sexuality`` syndrome-but I think it is deeper than that. I think it has something to do with a sense of control-i.e. having control over male counterparts by exploiting their fear of uncertainity.

Virginity, thou art hath fled to brutish hearts and men`s organs of increase hath decreased in their strenght! :)

What would I do if my bride told me that she was sans hymen...rock on, got any interesting ideas in mind that we can try out!

Ciao!

well,is she says she is not virgin,the first thing that comes to mind is that whether she is HIV positive or not.

the writer should have taken a more subtle tone to make fuss about this one-night-stand-types desi dilemmas...

``And as for youth madam, that withered flower pressed in the pages of a hymn book is like a barren desert where duty will force me to ride into`` -

King Henry II to his un-virgined bride - in the movie Beckett

What does it matter. Everybody`s doing it. Welcome to the 21st century where women even in south asia are free and where still - a lot men can never really tell the difference. (Reflection on the south asian male - big egos but no olympic medals).

Advice to the young teenage women - start horse riding, gymnastics heard it breaks the hymen. Just learn not to always get emotionally attached at a young age. Dying for that day to happen. When desi women finally get liberated.

ahem

Bismil, has placed some very interesting, thought provoking and insightful issues on the table. A very interesting article highlighting the dilemma of most South Asian females in our contemporary society.

Most of this hype(pressure to have sex) is created by, (1)Media and (2)Distortion of religious values.

I live in Canada and there is no pressure to keep or lose virginity. It depends what you make out of the social norms, your priorities and the right time to exercise certain inherent rights with an informed decision without any hindrance or pressure.

However, to answer Bismil`s question, I would be disappointed if my wife had a sinful past. Though, lack of her virginity through incest and/or rape would not stop me from marrying the girl.

Hence, Ms. Bismil`s question has many answers depending on the situation. I think I have made myself clear.

A good read. 2 thumps up for Bismil!

You wrote: ``I`d like to ask the men reading: what would you do if your blushing bride told you she wasn`t a virgin on your wedding night?``

I would think it should be the blushing bride`s personal business for which she needs no explanations. Unless of course she changes her mind after the blushing groom starts recalling his misdemeanors and worse, starting with his adventures at age eight with the cat...

Your question answered, I trust you will cool your raging harmones and get back to the reason your parents sent you to the US.

First of all nicely written, but holding on to the prized jewel maybe isn`t worth all this hassle these days. You can definitely protect yourself from diseases or pregnancy if you take proper precautionary steps.

Now on to your loaded question, I sincerely hope that it is not the night of my wedding that I find out that my wife is (or is not) a virgin. I can only hope that before I get married she knows everything about me and I about her. If this involves me knowing if she has had any lesbian experiences then dammit I want to know about them too :) Virginity!! Shirminity!! It really does not make any sense these days....Just my $0.02

P.S. I have already attended grad school at an East Coast University.

mansoorfaridi..
no pressure you say yet you call it a sinful
past.
hypocritical.

rizvi.