My First Love

heres what i liked:

Plea (undated)

I cried
last night I cried
I prayed too
for you
to Him
who I was unsure of, so
it was worth a try
to protect you

and that was it. thanks for these lines..i
thought they were well written, and beautifully
expressed. its really till `to HIM` that i like but
the other lines after it are questioning authority
so i like em.

one of my cousins had a secret crush on a
boy in her high school. we still make fun of
her. im being insensitive but ive managed to
keep myself in check.
oh and you should have followed him to
college like Felicity :) (popular sitcom in the
states).

``your bloodshot eyes
explained all
your FRIENDS new``

am I missing something? I am just feeling a little Temporal-ish today, otherwise, a very nice passionate poem.

Unfortunately I can not pin point my first love. As Bano Qudsia said somewhere that an avarage man usually goes through 6-8 zordaar Ishq in his life. To me everytime it feels like a first love and in the end it feels like this poem. I am cursed.

oh boy!

First love su *ks. Fell in love with a girl 10 years ago when I was 12, still love her. Always will love her. Did I ever tell her? No. Why, `cos I was a no one, my father was a no one. Left my family for some Irish tart. My brother also succumbed to some dumb woman and it destroyed him. I couldn`t afford losing my life and destroying it too. At the age of 12, when boys were thinking of New Kids on the block and Pamela anderson, I was thinking of being a responsible person and educating myself and getting a good job and then proposing to her. At the age of 12 I was still a child but I was forced into adulthood. I was trying to be an adult, a good Muslim, a responsible person, an example to the future young ones that if you acted as a Good Muslim and followed it perfectly, then you would surely get what you wanted.

I couldn’t face a rejection from her. I was a survivor but something told me that I could not have survived her refusal so I never tried. After trying to be aborted by my father, rejected by him, listening to him tell me that he was dead for me, listening to others make fun of me and my family, changing 17 homes and locations in 10 years, could I really hear her say no?

It came down to my principles and my feelings. I was having to become an adult, at the age of 12. I was being asked to deal with my feelings when I should have been acting on them, making mistakes, getting hurt, but I had been hurt too many times before.

Out of this frustration was born an artist, a writer, an academic and so many more things. Maybe God was trying to win me back, but I was always his but were his gifts enough for me to forget about her. I know that everyone would tell me that I should have just explained to her my feelings but I was in a checkmate by everything and everyone; all at the age of 12.

I became extremely religious, hoping that if I prayed and raised my hands for her constantly, then surely she would be mine. Over the years our families had eventually split apart but I had never forgotten about her. I thought I would have fallen out of love with her in a few months/years time but it had been a decade and my feelings had only grown stronger. Two weeks ago, I felt I was ready to tell her how I felt. I was now a grown man, someone who could have been responsible enough to take care of her. I had all the usual things, money, car, a house, plus a personality that anybody would have found interesting because I had everything. Well almost.

Two weeks ago I approached her and was about to tell her how I felt when I found out. She had married 3 months ago…

So forgive me but this person has been scarred for life and forgive me if a smile to a couple’s or a child’s face brings a frown to mine.

Re: X

That was great reading...really introspective, reflective, and raw.

Nice expression Almira. Stirring, evocative, passionate. Sweet misery.



Dear X,

Your story, particularly the ending, is heart-rending. You must be in the depths of depression at this point. If so, please get some help, some support. You sound like a really conscientious, responsible person (yeah yeah, your bane, you feel!). Life has been hard on you, but by sheer dint of effort you`ve risen above circumstance. Now if you could only begin to see that you`ve so much to offer others, even a significant other....

Also, giving up hope is a choice... There CAN be another who captivates your heart the way your first love did. Only, your heart`s got to be ``out there`` to be captured, not locked up in her memory.

Hoping you`ll be able to find the strength to pick yorself up-- and more-- open your heart again!

``Thank You`` & ``Take Care``,

PM

You`re a smart guy/gal PM. Was it that Obvious. Ha Ha.

You ``take care`` of yourself.

X:

I will agree with RSaxena`s insights on your piece. In my view, your feelings were solid in their contents, but they were one-sided. In life, one-sidedness does not take you anywhere. You`ve got to communicate.

On another note:

If you want to win a game of chess or be an active player, what is advisable/practical ?
a) Make a simple move
b) Make a calculated move
c) Don`t move at all for you may kill yourself

You are never in a checkmate position without moving the pieces around. You`ve got to take a step based on your opponent`s move. If there is no step taken then you cannot judge the motives of the other person and vice versa. [Well, it also depends if you are playing a defensive game or you are the winning party.]

Life is a teacher. One cannot overlook whatever comes in ones way. Just keep a constant note of all your observations and experiences, but still move ahead.

Best Wishes,

Almira:

Good touching one..

X:

hope floats..

regards,

T.

Re: Zahra

``In my view, your feelings were solid in their contents, but they were one-sided. In life, one-sidedness does not take you anywhere. You`ve got to communicate.``

Well Zahra I agree with your point in principle but feelings are what they are...it`s hard to control them as you suggest.

RSaxena:

You have a point. I am not suggesting that he shouldn`t have entertained any feelings. I am just saying that if they included someone else then the person should have been told.

- How else will you know if the other person reciprocates your sentiments or not?

Otherwise, telepathy can kick in. It plays an important role when there are sincere emotions in the picture. The hardest part is the Kusht, it requiures. I would not like to further analyze X`s post as it has its own sweetness, raw elements[as you identified] and stated insecurities. As a rule of thumb, you cannot create castles in the air on your own. You may be successful in building one, but I am not sure if you`d be able to retain one.

How beautifully innocent... how sadly beautiful!

Thank you for sharing this with all of us on Chowk.

Beautiful and sad! Very kind of you to share with us and all the best to you in every walk of life.

Regards

``Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boist`rous and its pricks like thorn.``

Thank you for all the kind words.

By exposing this excerpt from my diary to people for the very first time, I`ve finally come to terms with this naive chapter of my teenage years.

You guys are the first to know. :)

Why isn`t love as sweet and innocent in later stages of life? Perhaps it`s tainted with societal whims.

wait a minute! scout..this is your work??

i keep getting email i send to you back..send me some mail so that i can just hit reply.

z

Hey kiddo:

Prepare for worse
sweet memories linger
we get reborn each time...
a never ending procession of waves
knowingly
they hit and hurt
again and again and
between hibernation
between heaven (seldom)
and hell (mostly)

but

sometimes
(and not too rarely)
we do strike out
and then it is heavenly
mostly...


to love
is to give...


a hard
lesson
to learn
when in receiving mode...