I Am Wierd

im a 19 year old journalism student from lahore.
i hope at least the sea helps!

is there hope for our kind? =D

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, felt like i was reading my inner monologue all over again with the rishta bit. I can`t tell you how much i relate to that. I`m turning 23 and I still go thru this crap. I`ve managed to pull it this far babe. You can too. In one ear out the other. That guy will show up on the sunday! :]

AnNY..

cool stuff.. well.. you feel you`re wierd. Not so, I`m not a girl, but I know so very many with a mind set the likes of yours.

So how is the feeding frenzy coming along. That`s awesome you fed a few needy. I`m referring to your response in ``When Pinky Broke My Heart`` - You got off on a sarcastic note, or so I interpreted it to be, but then we both made some sense to each other.

I tell you, young women like you in this world, do make that little difference all the normal one`s are hesitant to bother with.

You`re not wierd, you`re sick of the society aloto f other young women like yourself are. I hear from them so very often what you have penned here.

PS. Don`t wax too hard. you`re hurt yourself. No reason to get your frustrations out in this painful manner. Stick to the writing business

CHeers

I am neither a saint nor a shrink who can heal the pains of the yester years, and the years to come. I am a part of this bitter sweet symphony known as LIFE! I can understand what you’ve written, but I can not yeild how you gestured while you wrote that utmost amazing passage of paragraphs relating to your troubled life. You, like me, are a big OXYMORON in the making. Our answers are in forms of contradictions. If asked a question, your response would probably be close to an answer of this typeDEFINETLY MAYBE. Through this e-mail, I don’t know how much confidence I might add to your life, but it’ll keep your stagnant world from changing.

Those dreaded relatives. We TRY to respect them, but we end up cursing them out from inside. Those introvert thoughts are usually the most trustworthty ones. However satanic they might seem, it’s better if you let them know what you think of them. Just remember to put those words which in such a way that they might be easily understood by them (your relatives). It’s known as reverse psychology when you play there trick of lecturing.

Don’t worry about those amrood walas and there wry smiles. If you lecture them, you do it rightfully. Just remember. You seem to be someone who does like to be protected by others, even if they happen to be your relatives and family. Your relatives have NO right to indulge into your life, whereas your parents have this ordained right single handidly. However much you might want to be independent, you will need your parents through out life. Afterall, the trick in efficient living is NOT living independently. It’s INTERDEPENDING. Your only interdependency should be with those you love and cherish (this would include your parents and exclude relatives).

The thought that you should get married is none of your relatives concern. It’s an immediate family accord and not a cause of concern for those belonging to your shijrah. If they spook you out by saying things like the house you resided in is not yours, you let them know what you feel like doing to them. Don’t take the pragmatic route, which is to break there skulls. Your words will be sufficient enough.

If you wish to impress anyone, it would have to be your PARENTS. Bring them on your side. Don’t push them aside, bring them to the level of hiearchy that they wish to attain through there siblings. Please, don’t try to be insatiable to the ones who are all you’ve really had throughout life. If you wish not to agree, agree not with your relatives when they pose a threat to your parents. If they (your relatives) think you are not as DESI as they would like you to be, they are indirectly tartgeting your parents. An ohmen to you, is an ohmen to your parents (even if they are related). Unite with those who are to be bond with. Be a living PROZAC for your parents. Howevever weird you think you might be, you are not as stale as the many others.

If you think your relatives are trully your well wishers, they wouldn’t add a line or two relating to you. The general rule with relatives should be: BACK OFF, UNLESS NEEDED! I know that I am making it seem as though your relatives are cynical, but they should opt. not to speak if you don’t wish them to do so.

Your age is fragile for parents in our desi families. You feel the pressure, and it creates a migraine although you don’t have it in reality. Thoughts get clustered, your brain feels numb and insomnia becomes your best friend. What should one do in such a condition? Simple, speak to your parents as to what you think about when depressed. Remember, silence is not acceptance. If you keep quiet, you’ll make it worse for you. What you assumed to be for you, will not go to your favor if comments are not bestowed upon your parents and as quickly as possible.

You can’t change your mould, but you can atleast explain with dignity and respect as to what YOU want in life to your parents. If you can show that you’re reponsible enough, your loci will be more defineable to them. The keyword is RESPONSIBILITY. You probably can’t change that mould of yours, but you can augment a new thought. To bring about new change for the better. You go on blaming those amidst you as narrow minded. The broad minded thoughts come from bringing about a new change. Build it up, and break it down so that your responsibilities sense a purpose. I hope you are not taking me the wrong way. I am not criticizing you for NOT being responsible enough, all I am trying to imply is that we all can take the next gradual step. All good thoughts and things are hard to achieve. You might have to struggle initially in persuading and tempting those parents of yours, but if you think you are right, the victor will definetly be you.

You worry about your parents. You think you’re weird? Oh, no. You are definetly not weird. Those true life statements of yours revolves in many families. Although they might not be total carbon copies, the pressure and the hurt is amongst a lot. I guess the best way to depict your condition is in terms of comparing and contrasting an artist and an autist. An artist says that he is creative because he thinks and draws what he depicts as art. An autist on the other hand doesn’t think like the common breed and yet he can see things more differently than the main stream because of his mental condition. The autist wishes not to think artistically, while the artistist slanders words like creativity in his mouth in the most haughty way. I ask you who the artist is and who the autist is if one does things naturally and the other commits to thinking more than the usual? !

Hunh!

Weird is not even close to what you may be described as.

Try Confused!

I do have a cure though, try the following for 33 days of any given month:

Before you wake up each day, recite

``Pagli mein nahin hoon``, 239 times.

Proceed with your daily routine, and then after you`ve gone to sleep at night, recite

``I am not weird, the guy who sent me this cure is``, 391 times.

Guaranteed to work!:)

p.s. feel free to curse me out @ sanaqsa@email.com

Dear AnNy

Maybe I know what you feel like. Being a misfit isn`t easy when you`re a man - and a self-employed one at that. It definitely can`t be easy in your case.

Felt the same way when I was growing up in the wasteland called Delhi. Thank God for Bangalore.

And about the marriage wala deal - lots of my friends are being pressurized by their parents to get married - it`s something that wont happen to me or my sister, but I can definitely sympathise.

Best of luck

Aniruddha Karim Shankar

kream77@yahoo.com

i guess we all are weirdos...we`re just too complexed to accept it..and sometimes we take it as a thing to be proud of

i don`t have a choice...i HAVE to clean the dishes ( i don`t have a sunny beach near my house ) i HAVE to make tea every afternoon, i HAVE to sit with all the seven phoopos of mine and yes i`m nineteen too

my favourite song is loser, i like watching kurt cobain smoking a ciggy...but do i expect my mom to understand that? no...becuase i know she won`t...she`ll never...i know she`ll never

if we think our folks don`t ``understand`` then maybe we don`t understand them...

maybe we want others to be just as weird as we are so we can finally have a sense of belonging

Why are you the weird one? Maybe you are normal and everyone is weird! :)

It`s all relative!

you know one of the things that I love most about the writings on chowk, and the responses and comments is that they really help us understand where you guys are coming from..

i`ve seen many pakistani girls and guys like you and zehra #16 or any other self proclaimed weirdo or freak, and haven`t though twice as dismissing you guys as such. but i guess in reality i`m the boring one, because it seems that you weirdos have all the fun!

You are not weird you are in denial!

Dear Anny!

I almost missed your article. Now I am glad that I didn`t. The best part of your article is the use of down-to-earth, simple language. The fine mix of Urdu expressions embeded in a very simple but very powerful language makes one feel being in the atmosphere that you created. It feels so much like home. I am glad that you can dare to break this language barrier to express yourself. I have all the best wishes for your future endeavors. Please keep on writing for Chowk too.

I think it is better I close my interact now. I have learned through my experience never to disturb a hornet`s nest or a writer or a poet for that matter. All three of them are hard to contain; once disturbed.

re. Zehra #16

...Interesting musings. Ur depth of insight and ease of expression are enviable. Thanks for sharing.

AnNy... why are you being so anxious.... you hardly know what all you can do.... how spread out your personality is.... whats more the world has to know what you are.... although this scares me at times, but as I grow older I realise that my parents were right.... but I have to agree they are so worried for daughters and equally unworried about sons. All the advice I ever get is to not get married till I am 29 or 30! Why the Hell not!! I hope they are not right in this case too.... whaddya say in my case....

marooned@distantshore.com

rizvi #16,

You remind me of someone.....(grinning)...

``i can openly admit to love knitting and cooking``

Zehra how could you?!?!

pagal to nahi ho gaeen

you know, ive enjoyed this because of its freshness and honesty...which i think is a direct result of your age and experiance. ive mulled over it since something tugs at me that is bothersome...let me try to put it in words.

i used to say to people, i am a self proclaimed freak. i needed a word, a phrase to jolt people out of their normalcys and sit up and take a look. i tried to be contrary to their standards and expectations since i wanted to stand out and i had a need to point out my differences. i see this in your writing. its fresh, no doubt but there is a slight sense of contrivance. (and i dont mean that in a bad way). in my case (i was the same way...and god, how i used to hate it when people would say, you arent all that different, i know somone like you..it still annoys me if somone says, you remind me of somone. i tell them, its the other way around..they remind you of me)..anywy, getting back to what i was saying, in my case it was slightly contrived since i was afraid that i really wasnt all that different..that i was just like the drones and dredges around me...scared the sh1t out of me so i would over compensate.

eventually learnt to be happy with exactly who i was and also came to learn and accept just how unique that was. i can openly admit to love knitting and cooking and not feel like a sell out of sorts. as if i am going agaisnt my mantra of not being like others. open your mind up further even if it means not being weird for a day or two. dont let other peoples normalcy scare you the way your weirdness scares them.

best of luck and i really did enjoy your piece. took me back.

rizvi

This was really an enjoyable piece... well written, AnNy!

Was moved by ``Some times when I really get down to thinking about it I feel scared. So scared. These are my loved ones. To think that these small, shallow, narrow human beings are a part of me. This is the society that forms an integral part of me, my being...``

It takes an act of sheer courage to be willng to let go of the emotional security of staying (identifying) with the `known` -- no matter how un-wierd! But at nineteen, you should be able to overcome that fairly easily-- at least on the intellectual plane. Pragmatically, as Lubna suggests, you might be better off playing hte waiting game anyway.

PS... you mentioned a penchant for food on two occassions... just wondering whether you use that to reinforce your self-image as different and weird and keep rishtas at bay? :)

Keep Writing!

PM