In Sanity

My dear Zehra,

``My Amee to my Abbu: Bechari ka kya karengay? Abbu to Amee: Shadi. Amee to Abbu: Be serious. Abbu to Amee: Shadi.``

For me there was a point when I quite enjoyed these conversations…I reveled in them…my ``wierdness``..i`m different u hear? Not like all these other stoopid lil gurls who`ll dress up for prospective muminlaws..such losers really..and besides I`m a helluva lot gorgeouser…then there came a point when I realized there really was no way out..i tried hard..so hard to get what it takes..to fit the mould..to make them happy, maybe..but so deep-rooted it was that inspite of giving it all I had I could not..now I just feel sad...all the time...amma and abba...these are beautiful people and they deserve better..a better offspring..amma no longer bothers telling me about how nice looking the latest rishta is or how rich or what lovely ivy league heez from..she just looks at me sadly before telling the lady on the line that no..the girl is not ready..at 19 that`s still okay…5 months from now when im 20 it`ll be but another story…but all of this doesn`t really matter..what matters more to me at this point is my amma and abba…that they after all the budtameezee, swearing, lieing, disgracing, fighting they still love and pray..and they hurt

``all she`s done for me, the pains I`ve taken to do the opposite, yet she loves and prays for me. God bless her``

u`ve put it better..may He bless them all

``I`ve painted my toenails red. I like it. They look sexy. My mother will try hard to take it all off though before sending me off to God. Red never comes off properly``

I took it off after abbaz 2 week agony got the better off me..its peeking from under the bed next to the green pringle ka dabba as I type

``The matter is that I was born Muslim and never got to decide.``

Is that really a matter for you? I know I tried to make it one..i questioned a lot of things..zabardastee ka at times..but at the end of the day I realized that all those majlises and Quranic surahs being belted out regularly at home had made my faith stronger than I would have liked..Surah e Rehman still manages to bring tears to my eyes...everytime

``A Pakistani Shia`a woman.``

Now this bit made me fall of my chair..ammaz convinced this is I writing nefarious thing under but another pseodonym..red nail color, nose ring SHIA! If you would please mail her and do the needful…and next time you`re in my part of the world you must drop in…I`m next door neighbors with all the imambargahs that there are..;o)

you told me sometime back you enjoyed my piece..it took you back..yours helps me face stuff I try hard not to..

You`re brilliant..please keep writing…

anNy hussain

annythedud@yahoo.com

I never knew Pakistani women (look, nothing to do with religion, Kashmir or beauty parlours, see?) were ``like that`` till today. I never thought Indian women were ``like that`` till I grew up (I am still 16).

Bravo lady, just goes to prove that even fellatio transcends borders. I have this great vision for peace, it consists of us importing (natch!!) colonial houris who will stand at the border between our countries giving head or giving ass . . . instead of selling guns and aircraft.

Purrfect . . .

Zehra,

I could try to comment on this piece from a literary standpoint, but would probably sound -- and be -- phony. Suffice it t say there are traces of your one-time idol here. This is compelling reading, macabre and disjointed as it was in places.

I don`t think any of your despair has solely to do with your identity crises as a Pakistani-American, though that probably seems the most likely source. You are (were?) suffering the existential angst that any sensitive, contemplative, realistic, basically uncompromising, rather idealistic, strong-enough-to-feel-one`s-vulnerability type of individual will often suffer. I would`ve added `while growing up`, but I`m not sure that ever stops. Neither am I certain in any degree of the stage I am in that process.

Maybe it`s just a realization of the realities of the world, in more than the abstract way we once ``understood`` them. It could be the start of greater awareness if handled delicately, and faithfully, without killing it with inappropriate, unrealsitic optimism. As the good Books and the Byrds,say ``There is a Time, turn, turn... to every season, turn turn...``

This to shall pass, Zehra (and maybe revist) ... But faith will lead you home.

(I`m assuming we have a common, if inarticulate notion of `faith` here)

Warm regards,

P.

zehra...sometimes i love you...really.

chowk staff, my darling chowk staff...editing issues to point out.
the section where i go into the ``the matter is...`` each sentence has its own line. the prom queens didnt get their own line. hurry before my temporal bhai jaan comes and scolds me for sloppy editing. i can already see things in this piece that will just pinch his butt :) we all live to pinch his butt though :)


thanks for putting it up..wasnt sure if it was too much for you guys.

for he who asked, french roast is 24 hours....i just get coffee and mashed potatoes there...they give you bread with it...jannat hai.

hobbyt...ap ko nahin maloom, main aik full time raaj kumarni houn.

rizvi

Ms. Rizvi:

Be the heroine of your own life. Don`t waste your time thinking ``this hurts so good``. If you think you`re going to regret it, that`s your signal to do it. Create some regrets, what`s life without regrets? Ride`em girlie! And please, don`t you stop writing.

Hmmmmm....

A very happy Eid Mubarak to all Chowkies.

Ras

i shouldn`t have read this. like the weather in new york wasn`t bad enuff.

gandi bachi :)

Whats up with all these fine upstanding well educated writers, sepcially of the female variety, on Chowk writing such macabre pieces.

Is there not anything worth writing about about the beautiful life, as opposed to the gruesome death sketches which have been hitting Chowk at an alarming rate.

Surely the well fed, foreign travelled, distinguishing Pakistanis abroad are not miserable.

Asim

Zehra,

I`ve never been to French Roast, heard about it though. Is it open 24 hrs like L`Express?

By the way, whacky article. I think I need to read it some more to figure out what is generating the negative emotions. One is only a hypocrite if they want to be. But I know it can be difficult coming from a Pakistani background - particularly for women.

Peace