The Good Husband

Re: Bina

An excellent article!

Given our past conversations, can this article in any way be taken in that vein?

I liked the seamless flow of the narrative, which made feel like an intruder, silently, watching the morning rituals of a family.

Asif maybe be a figment of fiction, but the likes of him, in the real world, would be difficult to discern. There was a certain Nina Simoné touch to the article and if you have ever listened to her song, ``La Vie En Rose``, you will know what I mean!

Ciao!

Extremely well done!

When the shoe is on the other foot, things sure
look different, don`t they?

Ras

To mYsElF:

``I guess you could not see the very obvious that still exists with 50%``

In my note to Zehra, I gave a rough estimate and it may be on the lower side than an accurate portrayal of the prevalent condition in Pakistan. So, it should not be taken as a benchmark to determine the current %.

Relieved! Numbers are dangerous; they better be accurate!

Mr. Baker:

A-O-A! I heard from another board that you were doing great. Good to hear that. I am glad you cared to kick some ... on Chowk and are back. I hope you had a safe winter. Personally, I am praying, ``the winter`` should extend its stay.

Moving along with the subject at hand, I completely agree with your argument to the extent where you`ve said that:

``Should we all be asking everybody to do everything ,irrepective of there apptitude, interest, inclination,ability & NEED.``

No. We should NOT be expecting this at all. It will be a foolish expectation from both sides. But it is a valid question to raise. And not assume! I am positive that you`ll concur with my thought!

``Just to convince the doubting tom boy that there is no international scheme to enslave her -a feminist paranoia.``

Personally, I detest this word, `feminist.` In fact, I don`t even know what a feminist means and I have no desire to check it out as well. Just because a woman has ``the awareness, the will power, the determination, the motivation, the driving force, the self secured attitude, the charisma, the independance, the decision power, the insight and the foresight`` does not mean that one should label her,`a feminist.` If it is to differentiate between an ignorant and a well-aware woman OR a housewife and a working woman OR a forward looking and a no action one THEN it is a very shallow definition. It`s just the same that all devout Muslims are not Jamaatis or affiliated with Tableeghi Jamaat. I used to hate these labelling exercises during my university years in Pakistan, therefore stayed away from all these influences.

There is something else here as well. Self assurance plays a pivotal role in a woman`s life. I was just recently talking to a friend, who had to go through some ups and downs at work in the past few months. Her hospital was laying off doctors right and left, so there was a lot of tension. Her husband is a very nice person; equally aggressive in his outlook to do well in life. Both of them are professionals; doctor and engineer. She is extremely passionate about her work. She was just recently confirmed at that hospital after two months of constant anxiety. I very spontaneously asked, `` But you do not need to be that upset, of course, your hubby will be there.`` I would like to believ that a couple should be able to complement each other and should be the moral support for each other. Knowing both of them, I had taken that for granted. She said, ``That`s not the issue. I cherish the support of everyone around me; from my hubby to my parents, from my colleagues to the far off friends...it`s not that simple...it`s something to do with my individual identity and that has its own place.``

(Sigh)

Well, Mohd Hussein Azad must be given 11 topoan kee salami for saying something so simple but so poignant that, ``Insaan Kissee Haal Main Khush Naheen Rehtaa.``

Human Beings.... Human Beings.... Complications Complications...

Being a working woman myself, I could relate to my friend`s feelings. It wasn`t in anyway or shape feminism. It was maintaining the set of expectations that one had set for oneself. Most of the ambitious and aspiring people do not have a very smooth ride. There are challenges and risks associated with each step. If the level of aspiration continues to grow and bloom with the passage of time, then a woman has to make sure the person she marries holds the same outlook towards life. She should not be a threat to her husband`s ego. Many marriages amongst well educated Pakistanis are falling apart due to this problem. In a way, the educated women are having tougher time dealing with the ebbs and flows of the ``institute of marriage.``

Why?

i)Should the women be left ignorant?
Or
ii)Should a fine line be defined after which a woman may turn a threat to the society?
Or
iii)Should the women be equipped with all the latest information but the right to apply that knowledge be taken away?

I used to think that there is an answer. Over the past couple of years, I have realized that there is no hard and fast rule. THERE IS NO ANSWER WHICH WILL BE APPLICABLE TO ALL AND SUNDRY. It`s all on a person and their approach!


Zehra:

I will agree with your comment on ``moving ahead theory`` but that is only a comment. Your post does not have any convincing thought to offer in that regard. You cannot rule out the message that was conveyed in Bina`s post. It is the base of many problems in our social set up. I guess you could not see the very obvious that still exists with 50%. We are talking about the % in reference to Pakistan, again. I also feel the ``episode`` highlighted what women go through; and each person will write what bothers them the most; or they find predominantly existing in their surroundings. Each woman will have different experiences in that regard. You cannot come forth chanting your own version; thinking the other person`s experience, observation and opinion has little or no value in current day and age. Probably, you lack the real insight.

Take Care!

forgive me for i am about to get personal: what utter drivel.

chowk eds, you`re slacking...shape up. a piece of this, ahem, ``quality`` shouldn`t have even made it.

forgive me for i am about to get personal: what utter drivel.

chowk eds, you`re slacking...shape up. a piece of this, ahem, ``quality`` shouldn`t have even made it.

Bina...that little fantasy piece made me smile a big smile :-) it was fun...I think any man would happily do this thing occasionally for the womeb he LOVED...but total role-reversal...?The Asif in the story was a ``zan mureed``...:-)

Urstruly--loved the punjabi nazm!

Syed Ahmed,

i have to agree with Zahra....very nice honest post.

finally

I agree with your thoughts and like the way you have portrayed them. But there is one thing that came to my mind after I completed reading your article, and I thought I should share it with you, the author.

From the beginning, I hated being in Asif`s shoes, but when I thought how the story would have gone if it was extended beyond what was written, I found many reasons to wish I was Asif.

With the children gone to school, and after Hiba`s departure to spend the rest of her day dancing on her boss`s fingers and dealing with the politics and corporate back-stabbing in the office, I would have had the whole house to myself, with me being my own boss! I would have jumped back into the cosy comforter to snuggle and snooze till I please, and would have then gotten on the phone with my friends to discuss the recent products off the rumor mill. May be I would have asked some of them to come over to watch a movie together, or hang out at the mall to check if the 50% off stuff from yesterday was now 75%off.

I would have then returned home to heat the food that I had cooked and stacked in the freezer last weekend when Hiba was snoring away to glory with her afternoon nap. After getting done with the meal for the kids, I would have dived back into the comforter to catch up with the sleep lost due to Hiba`s snoring last night, only to wake up, have some tea, watch a few sitcoms, and then get all dressed up for Hiba to take me out for dinner & movie.

God! I want to be Asif!

- Farhan

Syed Ahmed:

Excellent Points!


There is a lot to it though. Stay tuned.

Thanks for another reality.

Uff, and I thought I really learnt it all from Bina`s post. Doesn`t seem that way :(!

Kash, there was only one clear cut answer to all the ambiguities and puzzles of life.

Let me be the devil`s advocate on this one.....

Although overtly Pakistani society in general is fairly patriarchal - I disagree that women don the garb of the subservient sister/wife - at least not in the urban middle classes of the current generation.

IT is no longer true that a male child is more valued than a female one.

Growing up did you ever wonder how the “sisters” got away with murder, while the
the boys had to face the dreaded wrath of “abba”. A tear jerking episode from “appa”, and all hell would break loose.

Looking at professional college enrollments in Pakistan, almost 60-70% of the medical students in most Medical colleges are girls, - the often-miniscule engineering enrollment of women in engineering has mushroomed to almost a third of the graduating class. And it is now fairly common amongst Pakistani yuppie couples, to find that the girl is often better educated than the guy ( and more civilized I might add).


On the other hand I have always heard the older women lamenting... that it the daughters that eventually look after the parents during their autumn years. The sons are busy taking care of their in-laws.:) :)

Have you ever noticed that many people are often closer to their maternal family as opposed to the paternal one – Ever wonder why ?????


With the advent of those evil joint accounts - I doubt if monthly stipends work anymore with spouses.

As for helping with the domestic chores, - I have often found that desi guys in the US are often better cooks than their spouses, the guys
having to learn it by force of necessity whereas the “memsahib “had often relied on coterie of ``naukars`` in abba`s house...( who I am sure were ecstatic when the obnoxious broad was shipped to the US).

As for sleeping late - I think it is malady that affects the females of the Pakistani genre
more often than the guys. On a recent trip to the Mid-west, Even my staunchly chauvinistic friend the `` Sardar of sheikapura`` , with his ferocious mustaches , was seen meekly steeping into the kitchen try to make early morning ``chai`` before heading off to work - while mother and child were soundly asleep.

Not to mention another guy - whose Saturday tradition was to bring breakfast in bed to his spouse - so infuriated his visiting mother that she labeled him ``zen-mureed``. Despite the hoopla - I hear the endearing tradition does continues to this day....

As for arranged marriages, - more often than not most professional gals have strong say in the matchmaking process and often select their potential spouses whilst in school.

``Mom- I dont care he has to be a 6ft 2” physcian,
My friend Lily ( aka laila) is only a BS
and she got a OBY/GYN``

`` I have a MS in Speech communications
from Loma Linda - and I need at least a Ivy league educated surgeon,
Preferably one with a “lifestyle job” like ophthalmology”.

“ But Beta” - the mother laments “its hard to find 6ft 2” desis” - Be a
little flexible - “ There are lots of surgeons, if not here we will import one from
Abbotabad.”


Marry outside the culture to ``ferengis`` is the big rage amongst US raised female brats here.... which coincidentally is every desi parent`s Nightmare... ( mom & dad`s liberal ideas go out the door) as soon as they are introduced to Neil or Julio or Tyrone.....:):)

``But Mom - he`` convert and he`s so cool``,...
``and he is willing to get circumcised as well``...
and one surely enjoys the `` deer in the headlight`` look of the startled boyfriend.


Despite the humor – IMHO women have come a long way – and the generalities parodied in this article are dated. Pakistani is hardly a homogenous society – you have strong matriarchal cultures like the Kashmiri and the South Indian cultures as well the strong Patriarchal cultures – the Baluch and the pushtuns - with everybody else falling some where in between. Regardless of the cultural circumstances, women do exercise major
Control over our lives, the decide on the kids education, ( Capital acquisitions) the kind of houses/cars/furniture we buy, the marriages of the kids, etc etc etc……

i must first of all thank the writer for using the name Uzair in the story. That is my name and I cannot recollect the last time some one used the name within a story. Thank you :)

secondly, i loved this piece. subtle yet sarcastic enough to open some eyes.

well done.

mduzair

Shirin:

The case that men might be burning out may be a fact, but you know what... we need to get over it! It was not the woman`s fault for being a woman and being deprived of all the stuff that men have been upto for all these years.

In the beginning there was no social order, and men created this order, and this order has also evolved over time. In a good way or a bad way, that i cant say, its all in the way you look at it.

But now it is time for the evolution to go on, sure there is resistance, but for every change, there is always a resistance... that is the law of physics.

So let the feminists do what they are out to do... so long as they get the end result they are striving for.

Studebaker:

I would have to disagree with you on that one. Yes, God has created men and women, but during the process of evolution, men started taking the role of hunters, I dont know what women were up to.. but hey, now the evolutionary process is changing.. if women wanna start doing stuff outside the house, you should leave it up to them, after all they too are God`s creation, and hence should have the right to choose what they want to do, just like us men!

Bina

Talking about rage, I went to Dawood College; you do the math.

But sometimes I wonder if only rage is enough. And that is the reason I appreciate this piece.

Thanks folks. My only intention in writing this little piece was to open eyes, make you think about the ridiculousness that goes on in Pakistan in the name of gender stereotyping. Therefore the exaggerated tone and tongue in cheek style. It`s not real original, but hey, I had fun writing it (and reading the responses so far).

I am a raging feminist, Ustruly. For Gods sake I went to Wellesley. However my philosophy is not to put men in an inferior position vis a vis women. Equality is the name of the game. Women may be better nurturers but if they can also fly the space shuttle, who does it hurt? Men may be traditional breadwinners but a man taking care of his kids is no humiliation in my book.

Zehra: Didn`t want to stretch the joke out too far, therefore didn`t go into details. The point is made in five paragraphs better than fifteen. You might be interested to know this is the companion piece to a short short story I wrote called ``The Good Wife`` but that one is altogether more serious than this. Let me know if you ever want to see it.

Thanks to everyone else for their comments. Have fun!

Regards,
Bina