The Making of a Successful Marriage

RE: ali1 # 33

Yes the author of the ghazal is Obaidullah Aleem.It is indeed a beautiful ghazal .Thanks for the kind words .

Shirin

This cut and paste related to marriage is from this week Friday Times. Answers are by aunty Go Go.

Dear Aunty Go Go.

I have three proposals for my daughter (Sunni virgin); one from an income tax officer, one from a Captain and one from a Naval Officer. Which should I choose? My husband is an accountant.

Your, Tisket-Tasket, Murree.

Dear Tisket Tasket,

I am sure you didn`t lose your yellow basket. You have a problem, but with Aunty Go Go`s SFF system success might kiss your feet as they say in Urdu movie. My SFF- Sure Fire Formula is a very advanced system. Dump the naval guy as they are losers because there are no more submarines to be bought and rake in commissions on. I would have been in favor of the Income Tax bloke but with this new law, these boys are going to be history without any money. That leaves the Captain. Go for him. The Captain might in time become president, your cutie will then be First Lady and you the First Mom-in-law.

Yours Aunty Go Go.

Dear Aunty Go Go,

Our daughter has fallen for this wierd creature with flashing eyes, straggly beard and a green turban, which has frightened our cat and made it into a nervous wreck. He is a born again Jihadi and wants to wreak havoc on the forces of evil. Thank God we are not them so far. The Taliban are his ideals and he danced for hours when the Bamiyan statues, whatever they are, were broken. What shall we do?

Yours, Refundo, Bannu.

Dear Refundo.

Read the book ``How to love the green men without really trying`` by Gautam Khan. Your daughter may be wiser than you give her credit for- credit in any case is banned by green men. The day is not far when we shall be all looking for the straggly beards and flashing eyes as the future belongs to them. When that happens, and happen it will- ask GHQ if you don`t believe me- your daughter while under many wraps, will be one powerful woman and you one powerful mom. Things may not be smooth in the beginning, but those who can loot an already looted country can do anything. Keep your fingers crossed- an activity not banned so far.

Yours Aunty Go Go.

Farzana Warsi #31

I not only agree with you.

But will propose to marry all Jazba 99 to Jazbati 2001 to understand the true nature of whore like characterstic of women.

So as to learn to respect women rather than seeing them as ``Milkiat``.

Shirin Ahmed #32

Do you remember Aleem has read this Ghazal in ``Moin Auditorium``

I remember Syed Razi Mohammad of your class a very good poet himself.

There was another very good poet, I am forgetting his name who was also table tennis champion.

Harimau #34

Although I avoid talking to a ``BadZaat`` like you.

But the difference between you and me is that you condone ``Devdasi`` system while I condemn it.

PM #38

Don`t you mean that F-K like all criminals uses Islam to hide his crimes.

I may concur with you somewhat.

The reason, instead of raising issues, there is Ba-Ba Blackship theory while living in Ba-Ba Blackship land. There is an Islamic theory and there is a local theory.

At the hands of a person taught in Grammar school, suddenly found the bliss of Islam and start hammering the poor souls who cannot afford mediterranean every two months.

Charlatan or Criminal. Your pick.

Aamir #46

The second to last paragraph of your response was rather telling, despite the dilution of the sentiment in the last paragraph.

So, if the woman is responsible for breaking up the family, it would be preferable for her not to have any options, financial or otherwise. Interesting! What good is she to you?, you ask. I ask, how good are you for her, when you talk of her in such terms. I imagine that is what slave masters thought/said about slaves.

Until someone has the freedom to leave and still chooses to stay because s/he wants to, a marriage cannot be termed successful. A successful prison maybe, but not a marriage.

Aeisha

``You are a product of `old` type marriage,& untill you can produce some one BETTER than yourself through whatever bohemian system of co habitation,we like to be less adventurous``

....... let me see now ......... let`s start with T.E. Lawrence, Jesus (son of God), James Smithson (of Smithsonian fame) and Adam abu Abel and Cain ( of unknown parentage ) ........ now, you must admit those guys were a lot better than me ........... does that make you feel adventurous ?

....and think about it - cain was the product of a conventional marriage ... but with a mom like eve, who got us thrown out of the garden of eden, what do you expect ..........

re.F_K: ``Just like our individual spiritual quest,it is ones solemn responsibilty to bring up a family & work towards it as diligently as one does towards a another career...The turbulence would subside eventually.Humans want to make their own mistakes & are eventually the better for it.``

Yeah, right! Tell that to the millions of womenfolk in rural Sindh and Punjab! Oh yeah, I can see it now `` fear ye not, your deliverance is near... a change of heart is about to come over your subjugating menfolk... already they are relenting on the necessity of honor killings... soon they will allow you an education, freedom from an 18 hour workday and 12-child-bearing lives, and eventaully economic independence ....and all this the outcome of their spiritual quest, not through the artificial mechanisms of state coercion as used in the Evil West.

Get Real!!!

re. gfm #8

``I agree with your premise that marriages should be worked on - but not at the [expense] of happiness of individuals. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship where spouses are not happy could increase the probability of emotional damage for children and for the people themselves involved in the turmoiled relationship.``

Ok. True. But very often, the excuse of `irreconcilable differences` becomes a self-fulfilling propechy. Most kids would rather their parents tried harder at making things work rather than either staying together with conflict ``for the kids` sake`` OR calling it quits for the (presumable) benefit of the kids.

I guess my point is you can`t put both yourself AND your kids first. Someone/something has to give. Simple law of nature.

re. Saleeha Anjum #9

``Successful marriages are the result of honesty and sincerety. Not some sort of a religious obligation...(Remember Jimmy Swaggart? Jim Baker? 99% of Catholic priests?)``

I`d be interested, as a former Catholic, and a friend of many a priest, to know where you get your figures on Catholic priest` unfailthfulness from. Care to oblige?

harimau #27, Farzana #31

Good on ya! Shabaash!!

re. F_K:

``Oh yes.It IS a matter of choices in the land of the free-crime & free-corruption.Who would have bee here if he/she had a choice?``

Oh gee, you poor, pitiful fella. Yeah, we know all about those evil liberals who`ve got a gun to your head, forcing you to pay your taxes to the Queen and sing that despicable O Canada. You poor, poor choiceless being. Our hearts bleed for your predicament.

regretfully,

PM

P.S. When`s your the next weekend in the Carribean? Lemme see now... six months ago it was St. Thomas`s.. two months ago the Mediterenean...hmmm.. looks like it`s time to redistribute your haram monies among the hapless minions of the Third World again, eh?



P.P.S. Your words would carry a lot more credibility if not burdened by the weight of your sheer hypocrisy. So stop your rants and put your ass where your heart is... squarely in the heart of Kabul, that is. Or why not Ryadh? You could have the best of both worlds there, couldn`t you?

The discussion is a little less than meaningful with a recognition of a fairly fundamental difference between values that relate to the institution of marriage. At the risk of generalizing, it would be fair to say that while in the West primacy is given to the individual`s rights to his/her own happiness which may or may not be predicated on the happiness of other/s), in the East, there it has traditoinally been assumed that a woman`s happiness lies in her virtual subjugation to the will of her spouse and, to an extent, to her children.

While neither scenario is either-or -- that is, neither does the Western model dismiss the need for sometimes sacrificing one`s personals needs for that of spouse or children, nor does the Eastern model always encourage total subservience -- it is still futile to compare two social systems with a fundamentally different idea of success.

Sure, the goal of raising emotionally stable children is a common value, but emotional stability WITHOUT the inculcation of the values of independence and the individual pursuit of happiness, while acceptable and even desirable in the East, may not be considered a wholesome outcome in West.

A more meaningful discourse me be one on the subject of individual rights versus social/familial responsibility. I suspect the solution lies somewhere between the two extremes.

.......... desi marriages ``survive`` for all the wrong reasons : children, ostracism by friends and family, fear of being disinherited by abba jan, fear of never getting laid again, sheer habit, the fear of loosing half of everything, the fear of the kitchen and cooking utensils ........ and most important of all - the fear of being a divorcee in a society where a woman`s survival depends on an intact hymen ........

....once the financial dependence factor is taken out of the equation, desi marriages don`t fare any better than farangi unions .......... in the US, the muslim divorce rate is the same, if not higher than the general population ......... no wonder why : who wants to put up with a balding mullah with bad breath who demands taza roti every night in exchange for five minutes of grunting sex and twenty dollars a week in pocket-money .......

..... on the other hand, who wants to put up with the once good-looking, now broad-bottomed punjaban with hairy legs whose idea of haute cuisine is chanay ki dal with a tarka of margarine and who cannot take out the trash or swing a golf club ............. i don`t want to offend the anjuman afficionados - but there is nothing more horrid than a fat middle-aged desi woman with six clips and a bow in her tangled-wavey hair, white vinyl pumps and a bad attitude .... whiners, who whine all day about this and that .........

......... of course, mrs. hamidm is an exception - still cute as a bug and built like julia roberts...she could use a few lessons from the other julia - julia child ........ but then nobody is perfet and i can fix a mean biryani ...........

.......... desi marriages ``survive`` for all the wrong reasons : children, ostracism by friends and family, fear of being disinherited by abba jan, fear of never getting laid again, sheer habit, the fear of loosing half of everything, the fear of the kitchen and cooking utensils ........ and most important of all - the fear of being a divorcee in a society where a woman`s survival depends on an intact hymen ........

....once the financial dependence factor is taken out of the equation, desi marriages don`t fare any better than farangi unions .......... in the US, the muslim divorce rate is the same, if not higher than the general population ......... no wonder why : who wants to put up with a balding mullah with bad breath who demands taza roti every night in exchange for five minutes of grunting sex and twenty dollars a week in pocket-money .......

..... on the other hand, who wants to put up with the once good-looking, now broad-bottomed punjaban with hairy legs whose idea of haute cuisine is chanay ki dal with a tarka of margarine and who cannot take out the trash or swing a golf club ............. i don`t want to offend the anjuman afficionados - but there is nothing more horrid than a fat middle-aged desi woman with six clips and a bow in her tangled-wavey hair, white vinyl pumps and a bad attitude .... whiners, who whine all day about this and that .........

......... of course, mrs. hamidm is an exception - still cute as a bug and built like julia roberts...she could use a few lessons from the other julia - julia child ........ but then nobody is perfet and i can fix a mean biryani ...........