The Red Dress

dude, stop beating around the bush with irrelevant details that are interesting at first and become irritating by the end....you take so long to get to the interesting parts, that one almost doesn`t want to bother getting to them...

details are one thing...but do we really need to know about every speck of dirt on every blade of grass and how it moves with every drop of rain falling on it at precisely 88 degrees...and how all of this is a reflection of sara`s emotions...just tell us what the emotion is...

An overemphasis on words and similes killed the story. It doesn`t flow naturally. I gave up after the first paragraph (I couldn`t swallow ``muffled dawn`` peeping through the window while the rain knocked on the ``windowpanes, sheet after sheet.`` Where did you get this?) After the first few lines I pretty much knew where this thing was going! As they say in economics, there is an ``opportunity cost`` involved for me here.

Engaging work; well done. Needs a bit of pruning of adjectives and extranous descriptions and slang (somehow seems to be inconsistant with the stately pace of the narrator`s voice), but points to the skill of the author in pulling the plot off.

Looking forward to author`s next work!

you can never lose with the older woman/younger man storylines.

good, entertaining story

this was way too long and a bit tiring to read..there was so much that you could have done without...can understand the detailed explaination of things and even how when one sits down to write, details keep coming laikin this was carrying it all too far..story was okay, but i feel sara should have gotten the guy after all that climax building...khushi kahan sae agayee?

Please Sign Christopher Lee`s Petition:

http://www.jinnahfilm.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=NS-SimPetition&file=petition&id=1

2002-12-31



All Film Distributors

Undisclosed addresses.





To the Attention of All Film Distributors:



We, the undersigned, would like to present to you the following petition.



Jinnah Movie Release



``Jinnah: The Movie``, is not just a film, it is about the history in the birth of a nation and the life of one of the world`s greatest heroes.

This film was produced in the memory of Mr Jinnah, who fought for the equal rights of minorities in India and in its process, he built a nation, Pakistan.

Mr Christopher Lee, CBE, who played Mr Jinnah in the film, not only considers to have given his greatest ever performance in this film, but thinks it is one the best films ever made. He is championing this campaign by making the press and the world aware of the film`s existence.

Please kindly ad your support for its release and so that the world can judge for itself.

Sincerely,

Juan F. Aneiros

On Behalf of

Mr Christopher Lee, CBE

….mamoon, being one of the chief protagonists, should’ve been better developed…he doesn’t really click….he goes from being in love with henna, to having an affair with laila to falling in love with khushi as if changing clothes…

Zafar: Plenty of weather reporting, provides an interesting character to the story. The central figure is a 43 year woman, and that is good since enough of these recently graduated teenagers I say!!!

I basically skimmed through the story, like the monsoon rains sliding off the back of an Indian film heroine PS You can see how I have been influenced by the story`s weather channel references :-)

In fact, I love this original style so much, I will drag this post on a bit more: I have a dreamlike feel for the story rather than an understanding of the plot. After all, I did slide through like rain off the back of ... (I already said that). I hope the story was meant to read like that, kind of like the short story equivalent of an impressionistic painting. Like dark monsoon clouds and green dripping leaves in romantically distant Patna...like rain falling at night on the shingles of the house I once lived in on the mountains near Murree...followed by silence and low pitched howling sound of the wind going through the pine tree jungle...and then the moon would shine through the clouds, framing them with a bright silver lining...

Thank you sir...enjoyed skimming through your story...maybe I`ll come back and read it again.

Zafar:

(and also for some chowkies who write long posts)


…could this have been delivered in less than 7428 words?


…for instance this:


[…Stretching her limbs in a yawn, she rolled out of the bed. Collecting her flowing jet-black hair in a fist, she rounded them in the shape of a bun. She straightened her sari in places where it had got loosened and crumpled…] 42 words


versus this


…stretching, she got off the bed, pulled her hair in a bun and adjusted her sari…16 words


or this


…as she rose up she stretched and adjusted her hair and sari…12 words


…when it comes to creative writing i believe in ‘less is more’…granted, i stretch this dictum sometimes…but i ask you…is it possible to say what you want to say without substantially diminishing or lessening the effect of what you want to deliver?


rgds,

t

Re: anNy, #5

``this was way too long and a bit tiring to read``

No kidding! anNy, hats off to you for managing to go through the entire story! Sounds like you are out of reading material. By the way, you owe me a book. And twenty years is just too long a time.

PS: at times you are just too funny!!! I love that trait in people, especially when they are as natural as you. Keep it up, girl!

Re: tahmed321, #7

``maybe I`ll come back and read it again.``

You can`t be serious!!! You are right about the weather reporting, though. After I read the first paragraph, I got so much in the mood that I watched the weather channel till the muffled night quietly started to creep through under my doors (which finally enveloped the entire house shutting all the light bulbs,) the confused moon in the purple sky played ankh macholi with the dark clouds, and the rain drops the size of chokandar broke all of my windowpanes.

Re: temporal, #9

The best writer uses the least words.

tahmed321 #7,

:))

I agree with some of the replies here. A story which could have used a lot fewer words. A fine attempt nevertheless.

Asta

www.kurukshetra.org

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Jeezeus!

This is what happens to us desis after watching Summer of 42 for the first time!

Wanted to write more but am too overcome with laughter, making typing difficult.....

HEEHEEHEEHEEHAWHAWHAW

Re: Ashok, #13

It`s not me who has a problem. You do.

Dear Zafar,

Liked it ... having spent a good part of my preteen years chugging along on the Assam Mail or Teensukhia Mail to Dibrugadh (on to Dinjaun) or Jalpaiguri (on to Gantok/Rumtek/Kalimpong or Darjeeling) I could even identify with the endless rain, the Teesta bridges and the Bhramaputra in full spate !! Can`t recall which part of Assam is supposed to be the rainist spot on the planet ...

Are you planning to write a sequal where Khushi finds out about Laila ... ?