The Sad Reality of Arranged Marriages in South Asia

Hamidm`s #32 is utter blasphemy. There is a reason why female YT`s prefer ``tall, DARK and handsome`` men, and why white dudes spend hours tanning their horribly pale asses.

I would take a Goan over a Swede ANY day. Swedish girls, uhh thats just Nasty *throws the hell up*. People like u are solely responsible for why every NDN actress looks like she just slept with Dracula.

All u inferiority complex having clowns need to wake up. There is nothing more beautiful then Desi ladies. Get the hell outta here with that Iceland garbage!

ICELAND? What the hell is she gonna cook, seal whiskers?

A very interesting topic, indeed.

In my grandfather`s family including people born in and married in the family, there is a huge skin color range. It ranges from completely Mediterranean(could easily pass of as an Italian) to the very dark complexion - what we tend to associate with South Indians. There are cases where one sibling looks Mediterranean, the other Dravid-South Indian and the rest of the all at various points in between. There are other members that look almost Assamese. And this in a family that purpotedly has always(say for the past 1500 years atleast) restricted itself until now to a particular part of Rajasthan, where contact with any foreigners would have been minimal even for the males, and for the females there was no possibility there of. So how does one explain that?

I have been mistaken by a Fillipino lady for a Fillipino, by an Israeli Jew and others for an Arab, by a white American for a Latin, by scores of Hispanics for a Hispanic, and by various people as Sindhi, Pakistani, Central Asian and Armenian.

And supposedly I am 100% Rajasthani (say going back 1500 to 2000 years) and that too from a particular sub region of that state. Some one please explain this.

Satyavadi

Hamidm2

I do agree that the average South Asian`s obsession with the lighter pigmentation has resulted in obsequiousness towards fairer people, to the point that such people have on an average ruled the mostly dark majority.

I am from Kerala , while I tend to say that there is more ugliness per sq in in South Asia , however if you equate Dravidian = Black = Far south of India you need to learn . We in Kerala call the South Indians from Andhra and Tamil Nadu black , we tend to think we are fairer than them and then some Punjabis and many of the Bengalis, Biharis and such.

(clue) Kerala is on the Western coast and that means its people are a mix of Semitic , Portuguese, Roman and Greek people with the Indians. My ancestors claim ancestry from Canaanite Jews in Biblical Middle East and from my exposure to people from South Asia at various levels I can say that I am fairer than for example many Pakistani Punjabis for example. The Nairs and Brahmins and some Muslims of Kerala tend to be fairer . (clue) Some Hindus are descended from Arabs/ Jews while many Muslims are converts from the lowest Hindu castes.

......although i don`t subscribe to this notion of racism in arranged marriages, it is a universal truth that, aesthetically speaking, white is better than black ........of course there are perverts who think that gandhi ji and grace jones were beautiful, but most normal people prefer olive, wheatish and fairer complexions .............women from iceland and sweden are to die for ............on the other hand, mrs hamidm has nothing to fear from the c-programmers from kerala ......... of course, if you are in a bar after midnight your eyes begin to play cruel tricks ...... but since i don`t stay out after midnight she still has nothing to fear ........ alah ki kasam!

.......... let`s be honest - south asia has more ugliness per square inch than any other place on earth, other than the kalahari desert and papua new guniea .........it was so bad that babar didn`t even want to be buried with our ancestors .............if it hadn`t been for the chance encounters with barbarians from central asia and poets from persia there would have been no bollywood ...... sometimes you get lucky .............so really, it is but natural for south asians to want to mate with fair complected partners - call it natural selection, call it simple good taste.............

Noor: I met a Hindu girl. Our child will be called `Kashmir` and we will beat him on alternate days.

Urself?

Reply hamidm2

``....... arranged marriages are cruel, offensive, silly, abominable, unworkable, pathetic, beastly, deplorable, odious, repulsive and generally horrible .....``

so you are saying that you are not entirely sure they are a good idea? Excuse my asking, I`m a bit slow and often need these things spelled out.

I think we`re focusing on this ``racist`` line a bit excessively - I mean the author panned arranged marriages with a lot of other adjectives, why not rap about those a bit, haiN?

Tho, now that I`m here, I have to say that desis are racist, soooooo racist that racism in an arranged marriage does not have the chance to arise - in that implemented racism requires more than one perceived race to be around, which these racist racist desis make bloody sure is not the case when they are arranging a marriage (or a bbq).

No?

There is a big difference between arranged and forced marriages. The latter are the problem--not the former. In an Islamic society although arranged marriages are not obligatory, they are the most practical means of finding a suitable partner. The problems arise when we abandon Islamic commandments such as both the male and female having the right to choose who they will marry and to say no to a prospective partner chosen by their parents; often the parents will use emotional blackmail (``hamari izzat ka sawaal hai!``) to force the kids--especially daughters--to agree to the marriage. This is Islamically wrong.
Like many of the vices in our society, if we were to become better Muslims this problem too would disappear or be greatly reduced.

As for it being racist or preventing social mobility that is not true. Islam has the concept of ``kafw`` (kafa`at) in marriage. This is because Islam is a practical religion and realises that if both partners are of a similar social background, lineage, economic status then the marriage will have more chance of success. However kufw is not binding but only a recommendation and if both partners are happy then marriages between those who are not kufw according to the shariat are also allowed. For example if a girl who is highly educated and from a wealthy family of noble lineage is given in marriage to an uneducated villager who does manual work and earns a pittance she is allowed ro refuse the guy simply on the grounds that he is not her peer (kafu). The topic of kafa`at is a complex topic and has been dealt with exclusively by the fuqaha. Its purpose is to maximise the chances of marriages working in the first place. Having said the above, ``love marriages`` are also permitted in Islam if by that is meant that someone chooses their own partner.

As for the point about preferring light-skinned girls and guys that is another reflection of how far we have gone from our Islamic values!

Love and marriage are two distict entities. Love is a powerful emotion where as marriage is a partnership of two people, who come together and create a family. In the western societies, love does play an important part in marriage, however after living in this country for over twenty years, it is my feeling that a heavy dose of practicality and convenience is also involved.

It is not like A love B and B responds to the exclusion of everybody else.
It is move like A love B passionately, however B loves C and also D to a lessor extent. So A has to find somebody else who will not be first choice to love. B may want to marry C but may end up marrying D.

It is also my impression that women are much more possessive of the object or their love.

.......... as long as she doesn`t demand fore play and the right to think, an arranged marriage will ``work`` .......... it also helps if your mother and sisters are around to keep her on the straight and narrow ........

.................the whole think falls apart when she learns how to drive ............ then she goes out into the world and realizes that there are men who actually have more hair on their head than on their ears and in their noses ..........she sees men who don`t lick their fingers and grunt when they eat and actually talk to women ........men who will look a woman in the eye and treat her like a real person .........men who don`t explain to the doctor what is wrong with her and who don`t tell her what to order in a restaurant ..........men who don`t wear white sneakers with dress pants and don`t lecture her on what imam ghazali said .......... men who believe in fore play ..........

My two cents here:

1. Its funny, when I read this article, I automatically as Drumz did, interpreted India as South Asia. Part of the reason I did is I believe that ``color struck``edness (color prejudice-is that precise enough, Tahmed Bhai?) is a strong part of many Pakistani (indigenous and Mohajir) famillies, very sad to say. Unfortunately, I have heard too many comments from Pakistanis/North and Central Indians to deny our color prejudice exists. In addition, it comes down particularly on females; in other words, its more than okay for the guy to be dark skinned, but light skinnedness (anyone familliar with the term ``wheatish complexion``?) is considered a big boon for females. The author has a point here....

2. While I agree that arranged marriages may well suit some couples who are quite happy and healthy in their relationships, I am related to several Aunties and Uncles who married for love and are happy and going strong, thank Goddess...funny enough, its us in the US, the sons and daughters who have waited a bit longer to get married...many of us havent met the person we wanted to marry in college, and no one seems to be agreeing to an arranged marriage with the exception of two couples. But then a good percentage of us who are married, met our spouses in college. Any one care to comment?

3. Arranged marriage and spousal abuse? If two people are in the process of agreeing to an arranged marriage, how are the issues of behavior broached? Also, is the issue of wife burning for dowry related?

I agree with the posts that said that obsession with skin color is not AS evident in south indian arranged marriages (although it certainly figures as a factor). I have come across many marriages in south india where the groom has a lighter skin tone than the bride. Come to think of it this skin tone business makes no sense; what should count are indices of health, intelligence, similarity in values and culture and such which will matter in the long term.

The way most arranged marriages are implemented these days is quite defensible. People do a lot of window shopping before they settle on someone (in some cases for years). Not like the old days when veto power did not exist.

Interestingly one often finds firangis hooked up with very ordinary looking desis or east asians. This may be a case of exotic becoming erotic as outlined in this article here

I am not sure that Arranged Marriages ``are a cruel, racist institution``
buy I do agree with your concluding thoughts that:

``It is high time nations realized that giving equal rights—social and political influence, for example--to one half of their population, i.e. women, will go a long way in solving prevalent social problems.``

In a way arranged marriages are a tried and true method to maximize
a marriage contract.

In Pakistani society I like to describe it as a ``Corporate Merger``.

In any case skin color may add value to some contracts but at l

US airports, we are currently ALL very good looking people

who get a LOT of attention.

Ras

Rsax #21: Good point.

I think in love marraiges, people first fall (an interesting choice of verbs) in love and then get married. In arranged marraiges, people first get married and then fall in love.

```Tis better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all`` is probably true. But I don`t know if, ```Tis better to have loved and divorced, than not have loved at all`` is a good thing.

...it is interesting to note that many desis, particularly in the homeland, speak of arranged marriage vs. ``love marriage``...implying tht the two are opposites...not a poor choice of words, but a very telling choice of words that says arranged marriages aren`t really based on ``love`` (whatever that is)...

Aqdas,
I liked you article. This obsession with light skin is very north Indian. I have noticed that most south Indians do not suffer from this complex. I think a south Indian would answer this better. The light skin tone you mention is a more Mediterranean skin color not the Firangi (pink ) skin color much darker . So I don’t agree with your theory its linked to our colonial past.
That particular skin tone or color is a desired skin color even in the West. That is why white people in the west like to be called Caucasian, which they clearly are not and definitely not as good looking. (Caucasia comprises the three nations of Azerbaijan, Armenia, and Georgia.)
Regarding equal right’s for women in India. It wont happen without economic independence. Look at the difference between urban India and rural India

Regards,

Faruk