The Gray Cotton Shawl

Beautiful writing .. loved it ... took me back to Karachi and this is exactly what used to happen many moons ago but things are changing now :0

Dear Hamideh:

Good writing -- thick with syrupy symbolism --

however, one caution! -- She shouldn`t -- ``wrap herself in her big gray cotton shawl and fold her hands across her chest before getting off the university bus.``

She SHOULD TRY TO HOLD on to SOMETHING IN THE BUS -- while alighting -- like the handle bar along the staircase -- otherwise she may fall flat on all fours and ruin her pretty face:-)

I am in Canada right now, it is a cloudy, snowy day, but your story transported me back to Karachi. And I cared about the charachters. The ending somehow felt incomplete though. I hope you explain your choice of names though.

You do not need to take a course in creative writing to write like this.

good attempt at symbolism.

urstruly-what are you taking about?

Theme and subject matter is good, however, presentation is weak. The weakness is in the characters. The characters are shown weak inside out which effecitively culminates the possibility of an arousal of a conflict in readers mind as the story progresses. It is a big no no for fiction writers, especially short story writers; unless of course this story is about fragile people. In the later case writer fails to put her case effectively. This weakness is compounded by poor sentence structure. Gramatically those sentences are correct but their sequence and structure with in paragraph is poor. It frustrates reader and makes his mind wander elswhere.

where is temporal? I didn`t know he was such an easily daunted type. It was his job to write such critique.

Welcome to CHOWK Hamidah Hemani,

This is a great short story. Excellet form.
The ending required a more direct closure of sorts because this
almost appears to be a ``to be continued`` piece, but the stark symbolism
and moving imagery is quite well done.

Disagree with the CHOWK critics (usually do).

At least 3 and rightly four stars.

Ras

[#13 by ajeet on November 23, 2002 11:46am PT
I am surprised no one has talked about the obvious allegory. Indir, Pakeeza and Kashmira, ie India Pakistan and Kashmir. The bus conductor has to be the Pakistani government/army who has failed to provide for his own family, but covets Kahmira. I coud go on but I will let your imagination do the rest. ]

I wonder what could be author`s intent when she includes the vomit scene. Does haleem have special meaning in Islam/Pakistan? I know many vegetarian hindu women would either vomit (or at least express a frank wish to vomit) if somebody mentions meat or even eggs during mealtime. Many westerners who want to denigrate food restrictions in other people`s religion still show surprise when confronted with the argument that they too had at least some foods which are off limits, like cats, rats, dogs and of course, humans! Some of these westerners press into service their science of proteins to argue that meat eating is essential for health because only meat provides all amino acids our bodys need.

-einsteinwallah

I am suprised no body has commented on the obvious allegorical reference to India Pakistan and Kashmeer, that is Indir, Pakeeza and kashmira. The Pakistani government/army is the conductor who has failed to provide for the family, but covets kashmira. I wont add any thing else and leave it to your imaginations.

Guys and Gals, read the story again and it will be more fun.

Freesoul

The above will explain why she is called the bastard child.

I am surprised no one has talked about the obvious allegory. Indir, Pakeeza and Kashmira, ie India Pakistan and Kashmir. The bus conductor has to be the Pakistani government/army who has failed to provide for his own family, but covets Kahmira. I coud go on but I will let your imagination do the rest.

Go read the article again and let us talk about what is what.

Freesoul,

The bastard child`s significance becomes apparent in the light of the above.

Hamidah..
nicely done...good descriptions, and I never thought I`d see Waheed Murad`s name mentioned in a story on Chowk!
Looking forward to reading more of your work!

I agree with Khushi; this is really well done and surprising! Thanks for an excellent story.

nice imagery.

though, the hockey sticks and klashinkov incidents generally take place in the vicinity of the [karachi] university only, and not in the secure teen-talwar neighbourhood..

cheers.

H.

Hamidah,
I have been following your writing for several years now, both on and off chowk and am constantly amazed by the sensitivity, wit, and imagination with which you write. I really like the way that you don`t paint characters in shades of black or white, but they are grey, like the conductor is clearly a leech, but you also humanize him by describing his family, and sense of failure. Just like the way you write, your theme is not merely about how women are objectified in pakistan, but also bring up issues of communalism, and class. I wish you all the luck in the world, and know that you will ``make`` it. Don`t forget to send me an autographed copy of your first novel.
Best,
K

i like the general `manzar nigarai` in this story. Having been in such buses (usually in the back side), i can relate to it.

But i do not understand the relevence of the main character`s beging illegitmate and from hindu family, a factor in the whole story. The events can be applied to any woman in khi from poor background.