Living Abroad

It seems like living in the US for three years did not transform you at all. Its true that America tends to get lonely if you do not have the right company, but you cannot have good of both the worlds (Pakistan and the US). The problem comes in when we want to create their own little pakistan in America and shum ourselves from the rest of the cultures.

Ref Ashit Urshit Dickshit

Hey, I found this in an interactor`s profile. Sounds exactly like you, doesn`t it?

[I used to on the janitorial staff of a fairly largish corporation. Before that I used to be a village idiot. ]

Ref Ashit Urshit Dickshit #101

[Urstruly,

Btw, do you have any single sisters?...]

For a minute, I was afraid you were going to recommend your brother to Urstruly for his sister`s hand in marriage... you know, the one who is married to a Muslima already. He should be eligible to take 4 wives, right? Did you check that out with your sister-in-law over cocktails?

Zermin,

I`m a little late in coming to this. . .

Your article is very good. Was speaking to a friend of mine last night in Texas who`d gone over to interview for a residency this winter. Three months down and a match later, she`s aching to come home. Says she looks for familiar desi faces whenever she`s downtown, which isn`t very often as she spends most of her time at home with the family. And my friend isn`t some meek sheltered girl but an outspoken, freethinking doctor soon to start a neurology residency at one of the top hospitals in the US, the Baylor College of Medicine.

Home is where the heart is. Though I`d be wary of fostering any false assumptions of the homeland; things are probably still as good or as bad as you left them. It`s you that have changed.

With best wishes,

Aamir

Urstruly,

{{And now another migration is just right ahead. And I have no intention to fulfill my ``marn da ShouQ`` at an internment camp.}}

O dear Lord...you are leaving our beloved Michigan & heading towards the Windsor tunnel?...how about using your engineering skills to build a port in Gwadar? I promise you the IAF will not harm you. Even if those Indian naval pilots would fly from newly aquired bases in Iran; they dont have any frikking aim!!

Btw, do you have any single sisters?...you wont find a better match for them than Waqar mian...

Romair,

good luck holding mian hamidm`s hand while he`s having a mid-life crisis on Chowk...but please..be careful, he may just bite it after he`s had his first drink...he`s wily enough to be a horrible hindoo..

see ya next week..

Saminasha, re. #26
Excellent insights!

This is sad, for a number of reasons, which I`m sure others have gone into, so I won`t.
Saimasha (#15) and NazarHayatKhan (#10): Excellent posts. Thanks for sharing.

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shah.
LOL. mbenzenglish is one of his avatars as well...but i dunno about the rest either. I think Lajwanti may be also!
And it`s AAmir...to type it as aamir would confuse him with hamara apna aamir ansari, who does not sound anything like 12-head!

Public service-
n(>12)-head - Studebaker, aamir, American Express, Azad Munna, Tipu, Bijli, Shah, Bapu, Deepika, Sadhana, Faiza, Chunky Pandey, Brad Cruise, Tom pitt, Nagnatheshwar, suraya, Fatimah, Ayeisha, and some l/I ones.
Not sure - tania, avis, whistelingwoman, tripleM, mbenzenglish, independent.

rsax...
yaar, i don`t have the stomach..or the patience to list his 20+ nicks...perhaps we`ll point them out as they appear, howzatt?

re: ana #90

...and you might want to list out the 20 or so nicks this guy uses to make an ass of himself...

Ana,
Thanks for the update... I am a recent visitor but still new here. :) (T)

#88 Romair

Yes. I was flying (PIA).

maria...
what i think you`re missing is perhaps a little bit of history in regards to AAmir (and his other nicks...we do call him 12-head afterall)...
this man will misinterpret, and give his own take on what your post means...he will also read your post and respond in a way where a straight line is not something that is connected by two dots, but something altogether screwy. And if you continue interacting with him, at some point he will call you names. Such is the role of our resident Chowk beast!
I thought since you appear to be a recent visitor to Chowk, it would be fair to warn you -- you continue trying to reason with him at your own risk! :-)
regards,
ana

#85 once again you assume... you know what happens when you assume my dear..you make an ass out of me and you.
The jilting episode had nothing to do with my pref. on where to live.
Rather it was that he wanted to obey his parents and marry his cousin.. umm where did this relate to that????

Halooo.. am I missing something???

nazarhayatkhan #46: ``It was my flight to New York.``

Just curious. Would you happen to be in PIA. Usually people who are passengers, say, ``I took the flight to New York.`` ``My flight`` is a phrase I have only heard pilots say.

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To Harimau:
All that matters is my experience right. Lets not search for facts abt me.

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Ref 12-Head #71

Well; along thes ame lines, the author speaks of her life in Chicago as a student while her profile says she is a student at the University of Michigan. I know Chicago is on Lake Michigan but I don`t know there is a university in Chicago named for that lake.

Nothing a little goolge search can`t find.:-)

Bha`n-wain Moo-hoon Na Kahyae, Pur Wichoon Wichee
Khoo-aye Tusee Wi O, Khooaye us-ee Wi Aaa`n

Lali Akhiaa`n Dee Pay-ee Dus-di Aye
Roo-aye Tusee Wi O, Roo-aye us-ee Wi Aaa`n.

Aya-naan Azaadian Huthoon Barbaad Hoona
Hoo-aye Tusee Wi O, Hoo-aye us-ee Wi Aaa`n

Ko-jh Ommeed Aye, Zind-agee Mil Ja-aye Gi
Moo-aye Tusee Wi O, Moo-aye us-ee Wi Aaa`n

Joondi Jan Aye, Mot Dai Moo-nh Undar
Dhoo-aye Tusee Wi O, Dhoo-aye us-ee Wi Aaa`n

Jaagan Waliaan Nay Ruj Kaye Lot-yaa Aye
Soo-aye Tusee Wi O, Soo-aye us-ee Wi Aaa`n

Bhatti Saheb

speaking of Ustad Daman, does any one know few shair of Daman`s poem that he read in IndoPak Mushaira attended by Pundit Nehru and after listening that piece he shed some crocodile tears?

...speaking from experience, zermin it`s def. the ppl that make the place...you could live in timbuktu and have the time of your life if you have the right ppl with you...but it takes effort...you have to come out of your shell...your comfort zone...but whatever the case, i`m glad your happy and back in pak...

Waqar.. I agree with you.. but I dont think I would be of too much assitance to anyone until I am complete myself...being completed to me is completeing my education and returning home as an asset not liability..


Inshahallah.. pray for the day. :)

Coorection.
It is Ustad Daaman`s shair and goes like this:

banda chaahey te ki nai kar sakda,
manneyaN waqat hai tang toN tang aunda.
Ranjha Takhat HazareyoN turay te sahi,
pairraN haiTh SiyalaN da Jhang aunda.

Urstruly: hunn eh gaao:

banda chaahey te ki nai kar sakda,
waqat beshak tang toN tang aunda.
Ranjha Takhat HazareyoN turay te sahi,
pairraN haiTh SiyalaN da Jhang aunda.

AAmir, I think your reading between the lines a bit to much.
My profile is a little something about me.. it isnt me...

I am living in the US and I am happy..not because Im living here but due to other things.. family, my sig. other... to name a few..

I do however want to retreat back home after I`m done in school...
Just because I dont have 100% of everything doesn`t mean I cant be happy or content.. and because I`m content doesnt mean that there arent`t things that I would like to better..

my opinion to you.. dont just an entir person by a few lines in the profile. :)


#74... aweseome shiar yaarra.. been looking for it for a while now...

This article is straight from heart - an excellent piece of writing. I wish and pray no one has to leave his country. Migration is a very painful process, and the worst part is that it never ends. May be that`s how we are punished for not loving our country enough. I left Pakistan because:


kuj uNj vee raNhvaaN aukhiyaaN san
kuj gal vich Gham daa tauQ vi si
kuj Shehr day lok vi zaalim san
kuj saannooN maran daa ShauQ vi si

And now another migration is just right ahead. And I have no intention to fulfill my ``marn da ShouQ`` at an internment camp.

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nawaid

I don`t understand Ch. Parvez Elahi`s non-sense either. Education in government schools upto 10th grade has been free ever since early 70`s. This Rs. 400 per year was added in mid to late 90`s probably by Benazir. I think PE has taken that back under his new program. During my 12th grade and college I paid less than Rs. 30 per month for college. My Engineering college was a little bit expensive. I paid like Rs. 360 per semester there.

/Jay#60
///For the past 20 years, all through south india, education is free, and in tamilnadu at least for the past 25 years, primary school children get free lunch, and for the past 5 years, it should include one egg for each child.////

wow! what a progress! lunch and now Unda.........:)

I dont understand what political gimmick Ch.Pervez Elahi is driving here. Primary Education was always free in Govt owned public Schools, someone from Punjab should correct me if this was not the case in Punjab.... because it was free in Karachi and other cities of Sindh as far as Govt schools are concerned and all we had to pay 400 Rs for the year which is equal to free.

i dont think private schools high charging fee trend is going to change with this decision if its some valid decision.

How ever Ch Saheb should work to make sure that every student should receive atleast one buttered toast if egg is not possible.

Funds should be allocated for public schools to buy some computers.

#51 I completely agree with you.

It is a love-hate relationship with America that is coming out in this debate. We love America for its good life, freedom, success, equal oppurtunity, prospects etc

But we hate it for the emtional price that it requires and now the arrogance of its Govt.

The same ambivelent love-hate relationship exists between the Indians and the Pakistanis. We like each other`s sameness, dress, origins, history, geography, movies, food, culture etc.

And burst out some other times for totally different incoherent illogical reasons.

Ref ali_1 #22

[I don`t get it. Amreeka has so much to offer to newly arrived desis.... like unrestricted access to porn, alcohol, peep shows etc. etc.... And of course the chance to get laid. Whats this cribbing about, hanh?]

I knew at some point you would come clean about yourself. Confession is good for the soul.

As for getting laid, have you got any action at the local gay bars yet or are you still being turned down?

I agree totally. Wish you all the best at home. The same happened to me last year, although I was in NYC for just 8 months!
cheers

[Yesterday, I got the ticket and I am leaving next week for Pakistan. I am going to leave behind this country where emotions and human feelings come last, much later then anything else. I am going to my loved ones and to my beloved country where I spent some of the most memorable times of my life. Why did I ever think settling abroad was so great? maybe it was just a lesson from god, who wanted to teach me to value what I have. I am glad that I am not lost amidst the crowd here, never to go back to my homeland Pakistan.]

Did it ever occur to you to volunteer at a hospital or a nursing home? Can you possibly say that the US is a country where emotions and human feeling come last when you see high school students volunteering their time at these places to help the unfortunate souls there? Have you seen the parents of an 18-year-old girl, a 9 year-old girl or even a 10-month-old baby with incurable cancer at these hospitals? How dare you say these folks have no human feelings or emotions?

Just because they don`t cry their hearts out in public doesn`t mean they don`t feel the pain. And just because someone in Pakistan is putting on a public display doesn`t mean that they aren`t secretly glad that they are finally rid of their mother-in-law who has been bedridden for the last two years, was incontinent all that time and had bedsores all over her body.

Get a grip on life.

...ali1 is such a chic, sexy, pious muslim boy with witty comebacks...i just wanna *&^% him...

Going back as a reason to serve country better or patriotism is bogus arguement. The Chinese and Indian diaspora has helped their countries much more per person than people living there or those who went back because of the love for the country. To live here or go back is a personal choice and should not be presented as sacrifice for the motherland. Same is true about the opinion of USA. Nobody stops anybody from leaving but don`t turn around and claim moral or patriotic high ground or degrade those who have willingly opted to reside here.

The peace of mind or happiness is a state of mind whose parameters vary from person to person. At least in live sciences, it is much less materialism and much more dedication to contribute and perform on the frontiers of discipline with access to the top of the line tools and other necessities. Think of late Kalpana Chawla. What would have been her future in India, if she wanted to become astronaut? Those who have expertise in areas requiring high tech machines, instruments and logistics have no scope of serving nation by going back.

Some of these so-called patriots, go back with bacheolar in literature or political science and expect/ demand exceptional treatment back home. I have known few with barely `B` grade bacheolar degrees from an average school in USA and working as highly paid consultants for various branches of government because of their contacts.

There would not be a single clerk in Pakistan with bacheolar from USA, Aichison or Kinnaird colleges while tens of thousands clerks with bacheolar degrees from Pakistani colleges. The class always helps them to get choicest positions in Pakistan and then they appear on chowk beating the patriotism drums and sacrificing good life of America in order to serve Pakistan. Bacheolar degree from Rutgers or similar colleges should land no more than a grade 14 job in Pakistan (officer grade starts at 17) after spending lakhs of rupees of rich parents in three years in USA.

I am glad that author did not make farcical statements in her article such as serving the nation. She basically felt lost without the support group of family and friends.

I came to this country with full intention of staying here after frustrations of growing up in lower middle class. I am glad I made the right decision instead of going back and saluting some fauji to get entry level position in teaching or industry because research in my field is practically absent in Pakistan. This is my country now!!!!!!!

jay,

........we all know that there is a class of people in pakistan that is pampered and spoilt rotten, but then there are others who have made money the old fashioned way - they have earned it ............ there are plenty of mid-level businessmen who send their kids to america (when they fail to get into any of the professional colleges in pakistan) ........... these kids might not be the brightest bulbs on the christmas tree, but they are not in the same class as the worthless offspring of the rich feudals who think life is one big party - whether it is PPP or QML...............and i know quite a few guys from India who fall into this category as well - i have heard enough tales about the decadent life on coffee plantations and the night clubs of bombay and delhi ...........

........... sure some of these kids have the unfair advantage of being born to rich parents, but let`s not take it out on them ........... most of them are okay and some of them end up doing very well after they discover themselves in america ...........

Salaam Zerim,
This was an incredible article. Normally, people from the 3rd party view will always write about how they THINK like abroad is.. but you really captured the truth and emotion of people. It was as if you were talking from my heart... Incredible work!! Two thumps up...

Wish you nothing but the best back home. When you go back to Pakistan.. mera Salam kehna..

Love and best wishes,
Maria Tarar

re:#57 by waqaralisheikh
My dear young mullah,
``Like we are the world champions in Cricket, we will tame the Brahmin (BJP+RSS) swines in India. Victory shall be ours. have no fear of that you will loose. Inshaallah, we will be victorious.``

If only a cricket match could decide the fate of Kashmir, i would say, Pak stands more than a fair chance of winning it. Realpolitick is a different ball game. You, no doubt having been fed on a jehadi diet and curriculum from infancy, have a different view of the world.
Grow up and learn from your mistakes. Learn to use your own brain cells (surely the all merciful Allah has spared you some) instead of parroting the lines of jehadi mullahs.
Above all learn from history. What has your Army brass done for your country? What have the mullahs been upto? Why are the Shias and the Sunnis killing each other? Why is there a blasphemy law? why are there honor killings in Pak? So on and so forth. Once you find answers to above questions, your simplistic view of this world (them versus us) will change.
Sridhar

Free education in Punjab



After a long time Punjab has, in some way, succeeded in getting such a chief minister as seems to believe in deeds rather than words. During the initial phase of his chief ministership, he selected those issues which really matter with the poor.

The chief minister has recently announced many laudable vital decisions. Two of them directly relate with the most precious segment of society, i.e. our youth; free education up to matric level and a ban on juvenile smoking. Both the decisions reflect the pragmatic, constructive, innovative and qualitative approach of the chief minister about this unique force.

///above post is from dawn of today, here is a pakistani celebrating free education in pakistan. For the past 20 years, all through south india, education is free, and in tamilnadu at least for the past 25 years, primary school children get free lunch, and for the past 5 years, it should include one egg for each child.

Of course in pakistan it is free boarding and lodging in the madrassas and one can see the outcome. Nawaz sheriff laways said that there are at least 100,000 jihadist s ready for a human wave attack on kashmir, which according to musheraff can be called non-conventional war.

Only option for india is to look at cost effective way of killing this human wave, may be we need the technology from iraq.

hamidm 19 and others,

yOU TALK OF THREE GARAGES WITH CARS IN THE us, YOU FAILED TO NOTICE THAT zERMIN PROBABLY HAS 20 OF THEM, MAKES THAT YOU CAN ONLY DREAM OF. You have failed notice her observation, after meeting her aunt after so many years that she was not wearing the latest salwar, her room mates were alright, they kept the room clean.

I find it hard accept and give credence to the sentiments and frustration of the rich, the ones in the case of pakistan born to rule. All seem to have jumped into the imagery of rerurning to pakistan, but they do not realise that the pakistan that zermin has retuned to is as far away from you as the moon. The poor chowk pakistanis eking out a living, trying to fill the three garages, have no idea about the frustrations of the rich.

Only other person who seem to have noticed the condesention in the article is Scout. Read her post 41, one from you own kind, who should know the life of the feudals.Well I have no understanding for the trials of the rich, no sypathy for their frustrations when the maid is one minute.

late, must the marxist blood from kerala.

As in all of my post, there is a kernal, there is the barb, there is my position as the recognised paki-basher on chowk.

hamidm2 #31

[and you start thinking about being stuck in a nursing home with little old white ladies and grouchy old white men]

Unkal ji, the way things are going, you don`t have to worry about spending your last days at a nursing home..... you`ll be with the other pious muslims at the Sierra Nevada Internment camp.

While you are packing, don`t forget your fermenters and vinators. Bhagwan knows you`ll need the home brewed stuff in the bitter cold. Also pack an extra lota, watwani and miswaak for brother JB Sameer... Jazak Allah Khairun.

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Zermin, I think all of us who`ve had the experience of studying/living abroad can relate to this article, to some extent. I can certainly recall days when I felt so lonely I cried my eyes out, full of self sympathy. But I think after some time, even self involvement gets boring. How many days can you spend feeling sorry for yourself? It`s much better to go out, have some fun, hang out with friends - believe me, all Americans are not as self-ivolved as you think; I`ve made some good friends myself so I can vounch for that personally! And hey, you stuck it out for 3 years, give yourself some credit! At least you learned to live independently and I bet you had a lot of interesting, never-to-be-forgotten experiences which have developed you into the person you are now. Maybe you should look at the whole experience as a character development exercise, something that made you into who you are now.

Anyway, I hope you had a good homecoming. Oh, and Chicago is my favourite city in the US too!

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arjun_m #32

[If you live in NY/NJ maybe....ever been to northern virginia...? no porn stores...booze shops owned and run by the state(overwhelmingly GOP state)..no strip bars here.you`ll have to go to maryland for that..]

I am a happy and proud resident of the beautiful, enchanting, sunny and sinous People`s Republic of California. We have full access to porn, strip bars, alcohol and ``medicinal`` marijuana.... who cares what the cousin-humping, bible-thumping, republican-voting rednex in n. virginia are doing???

rsaxena #40

[Everything was as grande and opulent...bro which country and city did you land in?...land in nyc and you will find an uglyass]

He was comparing it with the rathole aka Chennai.

Talking about opulence and grande, come visit SF, Seatle, Lake Tahoe, Vegas, SD, Orange County etc....... on second thoughts....... stick with your Chennai and Gandaphattam.

``finally something you and i agree upon : ``with running water, functioning toilets, and air-conditioning (the three essentials of life)``......
hamidm/romair

four -- essentials of life -- don`t forget -- the hot water -- gentlemen --

shukre adaa kur uncle Sam ka bhaiyaa -- jisne humeiN gurm paanee dilwaiyaa..

suktey ki maazrut ke saath

I totally agree with the author. I had an experience of living abroad and then left a very good job to come back. Although life in pakistan is not a bed of roses but its much better than the soul-less life of the west

hamidm #47: `` finally something you and i agree upon : ``with running water, functioning toilets, and air-conditioning (the three essentials of life)``......``

I thought you and I agreed on everythigng, except on Musharraf :-)

woh tu kuch aur hee bantay gaye unjaan Adm........
hum to samjhay thay keh pehchan huwi jaati hai

``last july, after my lovely three day vacation at lower topa, complete with black label and chicken tikka (courtesy of your former employer),``

You know something, my friends and I, after spending extremely hot summers in the s//itholes of Ranjanpur and DI Khan, fixing radars and digging ditches, where the only entertainment is hunting, Indian movies and soft porn movies (I wasn`t into the first and third, so I stuck to Indian movies - hence my close friendship with Shahrukh and Madhuri - those two Indians have gotten me through a lot of boring days in the boondocks), used to go to Murree for long weekends. We didn`t have enough money to stay at the fancy places in Murree, so we would opt for the rooms in Lowertopa military stations - which were built for officers, llike us, who had been through the hell of central Punjab (or through war - I don`t know which is worse) and wanted to get their brains back in place.

I was never, never once in my life, able to get a room there. They were always occupied by the civilian neices and nephews of Generals (I could even tolerate civilian kids of Generals, but neices and nephews, gimme a break). These yuppies, with their fancy Nikes (we could only afford Servis and Bata) would be on their pleasure trips from the USA or from distant places such as Islamabad, and would always hog up the rooms that were built for us poor folk.

And then they would complain about the rooms, while we lived in the tent village (there is one near Murree), and pitched in money together so we could pay the parking bill for the Bhurban PC parking lot, where we would drive in my friends` beat up Suzuki 800, and enjoy the only thing we could afford - a piece of pastry and a glass of coke.

Since then, I have always found the double standards (not talking about you here :-)) quite interesting. People talk about high military budgets, but jump at the chance to get into their General Uncle`s rooms in Kalabagh, Chitral and Skardu, on their vacations.

Thats` when I decided, I was being an idiot serving my country. Who the hell wants to do that? You live in tents even on vacation, you cannot afford even Reeboks what to talk of Nikes, rich feudal Pakistani off-springs in Defence socieities and richer expatriates physicists in New England consider you the cause of all their problems. And you have to sit on the border with Korean War vintage fighter planes and rifles, fighting Indians in a 5 ot 1 ratio who have fancy French Mirage 2000s (courtesy of Indian industrialists and software programmers and NRIs who actually do their jobs and pay taxes so their guys can get the slick rifles, as opposed to ours who just complain and don`t pay taxes) while, ``revolutionary`` Pakistani expatriates make brownie points by stating that the money spent on the only thing you have to protect yourself from being killed by a, ``horrible Hindu`` soldier (a thirty year old gun manufactured in Wah) would have been better spent on a hospital bed.

(Even now, something I sit back and laugh at my naivety and stupidity of those days. Now, as an expatraite, I go back and make fun of my old military friends lifestyles as they sit quietly in Siachen and Multan, and accuse them of robbing the exchequer of Pakistan. Believe me, its great to be an expatriate - it beats being a General, hands down)

Realizing it was going to take way the hell too long to become a General (one has to remain alive through Indo-Pak wars, live without air-conditioning for too long, and pass too many useless but difficult tests), I opted for a short cut. The only way to get into these rooms in Lowertopa was to end up in the USA, spend a few years washing dishes, build some software, and then come back and sell it to the Army higher-ups, in return for a room in Lowertopa (with or without electricity).

So, now you know, why I get very defensive when anyone criticizes the military as a whole (sepoys and Captains included) and not just Generals. It`s one thing to hog up their rooms in Lowertopa, but then to criticize the people whose rooms have been hogged up........... :-)

``air-conditioning - that`s what makes america so great ......... everyone has air-conditoning``

True. And showers that throw out hot water with pressure.

Anyways, you seem to have the system of Pakistan figured out far better than the rest of us. I always knew civilians were more intelligent than simple soldiers. I have, courtesy of my employer, now lived in the Grand Hyatts and the Beach Sheratons and the Crown Plazas, but my heart still longs for the room in Lowertopa that I could never get. Can you tell me what it looks like from the inside? :-)

Re: Zermin Azhar

America is what you make of it. America is about individualism. You have to assimilate and accept its ethos. America will respect your identity, but you also have to make an effort to assimilate; find your own niche and create a space for yourself in the American quilt.

America is a nightmare for those with the wrong dreams. Dreams come true in America, but there is a price associated it. The price can assume many shapes and reasons, but it has to be paid in order to live the dream. American spirit is about independence and it teaches self confidence. The American experience is a personal renassiance and journey to self discovery. The end of the journey depends on you and your experience will always be unique and dissimilar from others. Above all, it is a leap of faith based on a chance and a willingness to take a risk - risk a chance in order to improve yourself, to change and become better.

You have to take a risk and if you do, the rewards are many and if you ply the safe roads, the tedium of life`s daily existence will wear you down. Life is a chance that has to be taken; life has to be dared and despite all the loss and the set backs, the challenege must never to foresaken! Remember, there is no shame in losing, but there is no honor either in not trying. Those who do not risk a defeat or a seek a victory know neither and to such people, America has no soul. It has no soul, because America mirrors you and reflects you. Do not blame the mirror for what it shows you!

Ciao

Now here is what the parents feel.

Myself and wife took Zafar to drop him at Tri-State University Indiana. It was my flight to New York. One night at Frankfurt and next day we flew to JFK. From there to Chicago to Fort Wayne where a Singaporean student had come to pick us up.

My plan was to stay there for four days. But I got the message that the program was changed and I had to fly from JFK the next night.

I remeber, we left the University early in the morning when it was still dark. I clearly remember my son standing there alone in that new strange world all by himself and we were leaving to let him fend for himself. I am a non-emotional person and I rarely cry. But I cried the whole way back to NY. I felt that I had ruthlessly dumped a part of me there. I cursed my country which did not provide quality institutions for the students.

Next night we took off from NY for Paris. We had to stay two days in Paris. The momemt I checked into the Hotel, I called my son and told him that he is completely free to come back to Pakistan if he does not like the place. But I told him to stay there for one month or so purely as a vacation. He did not come back and lived through those sad moments of loneleness.

I still get those creeps of sadness when I recollect the moment I left my son there alone.

I guess theses are the sacrfices that the parents make for the future of their children.

romair

..... finally something you and i agree upon : ``with running water, functioning toilets, and air-conditioning (the three essentials of life)``......

....... last july, after my lovely three day vacation at lower topa, complete with black label and chicken tikka (courtesy of your former employer), i was horrified to find myself without air-condiitoning in the middle of the night ........ load-shedding, that`s what the natives call it ......... now, we all know that life, liberty and the pursuit of air-conditioning are the inalienable rights of all free men (and some women) ............. so i got on the phone with the wapda sub-division to lodge my complaint with the sdo who i had gone to see earlier in the week to make sure that my american-born kids were not deprived of their right to controlled temperature ......... lo and behold, the phone was busy, or engaged, as they call it in the local parlance ............... how dare they be engaged in the middle of the night !...... rumor had it that they take the phone off the hook and go back to sleep ............my father tells me that this would never have happened if we had any ``serving`` generals living on the street ........ alas, all we have are two retired generals and their sons - a retired brigadier and a major who went off to amreeka ........a serving general on the street is the difference between air-condiitoning and pure hell .................

.............. but, no fear! ....... the buggers won`t pick up the phone - i`ll show them! ........... nothing will stand between my american kids and their god-given right to air-conditioning .............. so i took off my sweat soaked t-shirt and marched down the family to the driveway at two in the morning ...........the wife and kids protested at having to look at my hairy back and the little roll that spills over onto the waisttband of my nike shorts ............. ``never mind, stop laughing and get in the car !`` ............. so i turned on the car, pushed back the seats, turned on the air-conditioning and we slept soundly till the mullahs started wailing ............. nothing stands between us and air-conditioning!...............

.............. but just to be on the safe side i went back to the sub-station in the morning, found the lineman in charge of our street, gave him five thousand rupees and told him to take care of things ............. needless to say, we had air conditioning for the rest of our vacation ........... heck with the sdo - i should have gone to the lineman in the first place ............

............ air-conditioning - that`s what makes america so great ......... everyone has air-conditoning ... even if they don`t have a serving general for a neighbor ........... but the strange thing is that i can still remember when we were easily able to sleep through the night on a baan charpoy draped in a bed sheet soaked in water and the fan turned on full speed ............ and if, in the middle of the night, wapda decided to cut off the electricity we still manage to sleep till the mullahs started wailing ...............

#40 by rsaxena

Oh come on Saxena - NY city aint that bad!!

Hi!
Well I have been a student for the past three years over here as well. I don`t know, but my experiences have been different. First of all, the American people I have met were all very willing to know about Pakistan and my culture. They have been better and starightforward friends than any of my desi friends. We have to realize that we are in their country. We have to take intiative. We have to go and mingle amongst them. What they think about us is that we are the kind of people who just hang out with only our kind of people (desis), and don`t mingle with them and don`t like them. We have to undermine this. We to have to go and make frinds. Once they are your friends, they are going to be the best friends you will ever have. Even when I used to live alone, I was never alone. Because the first thing I did was make friends and once they were my friends, there was never a time when I was alone. They always look out for me and so do I. I am actually a member of a Fraternity which consists of only white poeple. If they are what you say they are they would have never accepted me and I am the only Pakistani guy in there, and they look after me as they would after a white guy. I know alot of families living here. None of them has such problems as you described. On the contrary, I have never seen a Pakistani girl, who behaves the way your cousin does. Almost all of them respect their familes, and respect their customs. All I can say is that here you just don`t make friends like that. You have to take the intiative. But once you have done that you wil learn that these people are not as bad as you have experienced. And secondly, there is very little oppurtunity for housewives in America. You will not be as lonely as your auntie, if you work and keep yourself occupied.
But this is what I think, and I am sorry for anything that I have written, with which you might not agree.

i think its all come to where you want to be at end of the day.....some desprately want to go back but financial obstacles are in their way, many are sacrificing for their loved ones back home, they still talk about going back one day, although inside they know its not going to happen as there always something to stop them.

Many are happy living in USA as they have experianced diffrence in life, they are happy coz for them life is all about to interact with diffrent cultural, langastiuic people...and they gaveup on Paksitan coz of problems like loadshading, dust, traffic etc. So now its easy for them to sit in USA and criticise on Pakistani system without becoming part of it and doing any individual effort to change it.

However, wherever you live you should have a reason for that, many people i know came back to Paksitan after their education, not because they were feeling lonely but they thought all their US experiance is much needed in Pakistan rather then USA itself. They sacrificed their good USA living and made an effort to improve the system. We cant say they have changed the whole system but some of them did improve their sorroundings. For them happiness is not living in free world but to try make Pakistan a free world. Its always important to be there where you required most.

you probably come from a wealthy Pakistani family, lived in the lap of luxury in Pakistan, spoiled rotten amidst the servants and family......got daddy to pay for your education `abroad` (unless you got a full financial scholarship which i doubt), wanted to have your cake and eat it too....came to America thinking it will add some feathers in your upper class cap.....realized that there`s more to the US than Hollywood glamour and useless sentimentality.....faced with living independently without the social and servant support of Pakistan, you became scared, disillusioned, walled yourself off, and now are going back with nothing to show except a degree.....it really doesn`t matter whether you live in Pakistan or the US, as long as you make the most of it.....but you obviously didn`t make the most of your stay......i suggest you grow up immediately and think about your outlook on life

Dear Saminasha,

Relating #15, I am a great fan of the goal oriented approach to life that you talked about, but long term and short term goals most of which ``automatically`` develop in you are not always material objectives that you could achieve by just having an 8 hour job. Some of them are about being close to or caring about one or many persons, and/or about having one or many people care about you. These affection oriented goals have been referred to as ``feelings and emotions`` by the writer when she says, ``I am going to leave behind this country where emotions and human feelings come last, much later then anything else.``


I`m really really interested to know how you`d comment on that. It seems to me as if materialistic and affectionate goals oppose each other. Where do you think is the balance? This is the question that I have thought for months now and find myself extremely confused about life.

re: mohar11

{Everything was as grande and opulent and exciting as I imagined. }

...bro which country and city did you land in?...land in nyc and you will find an uglyass, utilatarian airport with a long line to hail a filthy cab driven by a rude desi on pothole-filled roads...and while you sit in traffic moving at 11 miles an hour, you will ask yourself if this really is the first world...

...if you want something grande, try central europe...you pay 60% income tax but have nice white mercedes taxis and airports that were built to impress...

hamid:

this is the most blahingly blah post from you...you ok?...cheer up friend...blahing happiness is a blah-state of mind...

...to decipher blah you have to go to unplugged and check out some of the blah posts...you will feel better;)

..t

life in pak is wonderful until we have a strong supportive group of ppl around us....parents...family...extended family...friends....once you are on your own...or should i say living life in the real world... life in pak aint all that comfortable...personally, socially or politically...but i guess one could continue to live in a pampered cucoon...and turn insensitive to what is happening around in our society..in our cities...in our villages.....as they say...`ignorance is bliss!`

hamidm #31: So true.....

One rarely thinks about, ``the meaning of life`` when one is struggling to make ends meet, buy a car, etc. When one is in a village in Punjab, one wants to move to Chakwal. After making it to Chakwal, the desire is to move to Lahore. After Lahore, it is to move to a posh neighborhood in Lahore or to Islamabad. After that, it is to make it to UAE. Then to the rural US Midwest, where Americans don`t want to go. Then it is to make it to a big Midwest city like Denver. Then to the big cities on the coast like Boston, New York or San Fran. Then to the Palo Alto, Manhattan or Sausalito neighborhoods of these cities.

After that, the only place left to go is to the moon. Then the meaning of life starts to hit. And slowly one starts the journey backwards to the small village in Punjab/Kashmir/NWFP/Sind/Baluchistan etc.

My grandfather spent his whole life, against huge odds, to get his family out of the small village, where they had lived for generations. He got his kids to the equivalent of his Chakwal, one generation ahead of his brothers, sisters, cousins and friends.

My parents got their families to Lahore and Islamabad and Dubai from my father`s Chakwal. My generation made it to the US Midwest and onwards to San Francisco. What will my kids do? All their struggle have been taken care of. They won`t have to walk through the overflowing village rivers like my grandpa, or live in tiny homes with intermittent water and electricity like my parents, or stand worthlessly at immigration counters like me.

So instead of ending up in an old home, I have decided to start the journey backwards. USA, Canada, then to UAE, then to Islamabad, in my lifetime. By the time my kids are grown up, they may decide to jump on this bandwagon also, and voluntarily move on from their Chakwals towards ancestoral villages.

Who knows, and hopefully, by that time Pakistan will have made enough progress where no one will need to leave the country. And living in a lush green Punjab village, or a flowery Kashmir village will be as trendy as living in the small villages of Switzerland or Germany.

Here`s to spending the last years of life in a chalet in the outskirts of Chakwal, Muzzafarabad, Kohat, Gwadar, and Larkana, with running water, functioning toilets, and air-conditioning (the three essentials of life) and not in an old home in Palo Alto with the same facilities.........

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vanguard #7:

Please don`t let go the opportunity to study abroad just because someone else`s experience wasn`t too great.You need to challenge yourself and try to think out of the box. Even if you find it hard to live abroad the experience that you will undoubtedly gain will prove very beneficial in your life later in Pakistan.
I too want to work in Pakistan after graduation, but not because I hate the west, infact I love it!!!!, but for other (more kinda patriotic somewhat stupid and childish) reasons.

Afterall, the biggest risk in life is not taking one.

Reconsider.

best,
Taimur.

-----------
``Say what you want. Say what you mean.
Question yourself: are you really what you seem?
Say who you are. Say what you mean.
Question yourself: are you really what you dream?``

Ms. Zermin,

Lot of respect for you. Wish you all the luck in Pakistan. Many of friends graduated in US , went back to India and are working for IBM, Oracle. Some of them are sent here to US by IBM India temporarily for migration project to India and quite frankly I am envy of them. They have so much fun there at work place, late hours, dinner, movie even on week day. I hope you will also enjoy in Pakistan...

Indian

Zermin Azhar, welcome to CHOWK.

This piece of writing came straight from the heart.

Male or female, we have all been there. You made your choice and we

here in the US have made ours. And who knows about the future?

I now love both countries even though I never hesitate on being critical

of either.

I wish you luck. And you on the other hand can wish the same for us.

We are BOTH going to need luck in the near future.

No matter how big a fan of Cricket, I will never be able to pass that on

to my daughter who thinks that the Sacramento Kings Basketball team

is what sorts is ALL about.


Ras

Zermin:
thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It is unfortunate that you did not leave amreeka with a better impression, but I do want to let you know that this is not a country `where emotions and human feelings` come last for everyone. Many americans including some of us are immigrants here..some were forced in, or forced out, but for quite a number of us emotions and feelings do not come last. :-)
I could identify with you on a certain level in terms of the loneliness, and the cut off feeling that you had. I was fortunate in that I came here with my family, and had somewhat of a support system. I have lived here practically all of my life, and am forever lost amidst any crowd, be they goray log, or desis, or anyone else. I was just as lost in Pakistan as well. And while Pakistan is where my roots are, and what I`ll always be attached to, I don`t think I could ever return there to live, because as long as my elderly mother is here, I am rooted much more to her than to a land, or a feeling of well-being that I had there. We all develop support systems in order to live here, and again it`s unfortunate that you didn`t find one.
Pakistan is beloved even to those of us who are away...but Pakistan, like any other country is not perfect...i know from personal experience that there are many `back home` for whom feelings and emotions come last...as well as any sense of decency, or love for family. You might think about that in your future criticisms of amreeka. :-)

hamidm...may i just say that I grow more and more impressed with the punches you are so adept at delivering?! :-D

.......... amreeka, is a great place to live if you are young, have a job and want a better job, have a car and want a better car, still think that what you do really matters to mankind and, most importantly, are still hoping to make it with a blonde one of these days ............

........once you have a three car garage and three cars to put in it and have given up on blondes (and brunettes, and redheads ........and sex in general), you look around at all the people sipping their three dollar lattes and reading yesterday`s news, and wonder, ``is this it?``.......... ``have i made it and, if so, where am i?`` ............ and so, as you make up your millionth powerpoint slide with the infamous two by two, you ask yourself if it really matters where you place those silly little circles .......... you have done it so many times and, inspite of your valiant efforts to get the circles just right, enron collapsed and aol-timewarner is on the verge of collapsing .......... so you randomly put in the circles without thinking, knowing that nobody will notice ........ it doesn`t matter and it all pays the same .............

.......... now, what do you do? .......... play golf and drink dry gin martinis? ......... but your knee gives out on the third hole and you tend to fall asleep after the first drink ..........most of your white friends are suffering from alzheimer`s and your paki friends are too busy praying for salvation to worry about mundane things like living their lives ............... the kids are busy running around in their minivans to soccer practice and pta meetings ............. what the heck do you do? ..........and you start thinking about being stuck in a nursing home with little old white ladies and grouchy old white men and their noisy breathing machines .......... and those sinister orderlies with their silent enema machines ............

.............. brr! ........ i am beginning to scare myself! ..........the other day my ten year old threatened to put me in a nursing home if i didn`t stop being ``mean`` to her .......... i don`t even know what ``being mean`` means , because if i did i certainly wouldn`t run the risk .........so i bought her off with one of those bose wave thingees .......... after a while, everything is a ``thingee``- things, that you can buy with an appropriate amount of money................but every time i drive by a shady acres assisted living place i have the urge to pull in and check it out just in case she decides to go through with her threat ...........


P.S. .....and don`t think pakistan is any better - i have seen plenty of old men live out their last years dying horrible deaths without breathing machines and enemas.......... they lie there, miserable and hopeless, as their sons and daughters loudly squabble over who is going to take care of the old man and who is going to inherit the house in the village ..........so what`s the answer ? ......... let me have another drink and think about it .........

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Mohar,

Right, the small town desi restaurant symbolises the will to create a home even in the most homogenized spaces. How did the restaurant do?

Temporal,

Let me clarify that I did not mean my ``peace of mind`` post to relate to Ms. Azhar; she has perfectly valid claims in prefering Pakistan. In fact, given the relatively short time of her stay here, I`m not surprised that she or anyone else who has stayed here for 3 years gathers the impressions she has.

My comments were directed at what Romair addressed in post 25, Sameer`s post and Slink`s. Perhaps I tend to bristle at the ABCD generalisations and the comments made by interactors who feel that their identity systems are superior than the rest of ours. On Chowk, there seems to be a lot of that, and I`m trying to come to the discussion in as honest a manner I can. In my opinion, most people with fixed identity ideations are not prepared nor are they equipped to deal with the diverse reference points that people outside of Pakistan live with and negotiate and are informed by. For example, sure, I long for Pakistan in that I am Pakistani and at a basic level belong to a Pakistani community but this identity is only one. The messages I received from elder and rigidly traditional folk is that one identity was always superior than the next and whats more, was always in conflict with the others. To some extent, this message is still transmitted by those who are not able to think these negotiations through, or are willing to make them. While I respect that, and remind them that they are able to be who they are in this country-more than in Pakistan in some cases, I dont think they are in any position to tell the rest of us about identity-esp. when the racial, cultural, ethnic, social and religious identities of South Asians have been in flux for centuries. Wake up and smell the chai! :)

The nature of migration has forced us to think about what is really identity and what are socially constructed notions of identity.

Hey Guys
This is Zermin. Thanks for the replies. I just wrote it as it came to me and it has been really great knowing the views of other ppl. I realize that I maybe wrong at some point, but hell I am so glad to be back in Pakistan. :)

I never understood this ``culture shock`` thing. My experiences after I landed in America was exactly what I expected before I boarded that flight in Chennai. Actually it was even better. I didn`t expect people to be this friendly - I thought, like all rich people, americans must snobbish too. I was very pleasantly surprised. Everything was as grande and opulent and exciting as I imagined.

TO be sure there were some intial hiccups. My consulting company wasn`t exactly paragon of cooperation/professionalism. But within weeks I found a client, shipped myself to a small town down south, found an apartment, rode taxi-cabs to my office and everywhere else(e.g. to buy groceries) for so long that the cabbies knew me by first name. Finally I saved enough money to buy a car - after that the dream really came true.

I mean I really took it like a duck to the water. So were many of my desi friends and colleagues.

The only ``shock`` to me was when I found out that there is a desi restaurant even in such a small town in some forgotten corner of America.

Please make sure you are making a practical decision and not an emotional one. People`s experiences and priorities change as the, get older and move through life.

I have lived in every boondock corner of Punjab and NWFP, from Lahore to Peshawar to Islamabad to the borders of the tribal areas to the feudal parts of central Pakistan. During my whole stay in Pakistan, as far as I can remember, I was never satisfied.

Then I ended up in the USA by coincidence, and everything fell into place. I have no close relatives here, hang around completely with Americans, haven`t really celebrated an Eid for years, yet have been very happy. I can now finally objectively evaluate what is good in Pakistan and what is good in the USA (as you seem to be doing). But now I am moving on from here also, but due to different reasons than yours.

One should go where one feels comfortable. If someone doesn`t feel comfortable in Pakistan or USA (or anywhere else) due to social, political, religious, cultural, homesickness etc. reasons, there is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on. There are better places than the USA and there are worse. Its different from person to person.

The only aim should be to take the best from wherever you have been, and give it your best while you are there. The US college education is the best thing the USA has to offer, and you have received that. So you are definitely not leaving empty-handed.

I think once people adopt a country, they should give it their whole, in terms of loyalty, fitting into the society, etc. Specially when their kids comes into the picture. Too many Pakistanis attempt to bring up their kids in a half and half fashion - half Americans, half Pakistanis. In a sense, they pass on their own selfish interests to the kids. The kids have no interest in Pakistan, yet the parents want to pass on their own desires and interests to the kids, regarding a country their kids have never lived in. This results in a lot of confusion amongst the kids. This is different from Europeans who migrate to the USA, whose kids are raised as completely Americans.

My wife and I decided to raise our (future) kids as purely American Muslims, knowing that their parents came from Pakistan, however not being raised as Pakistani-Americans- while my wife and I would remain Pakistanis who have migrated out of Pakistan. However, we came to the conclusion that in the coming years, the, ``Muslim`` part of our kids could become a handicap to them in the USA (not to mention to us, also). While Pakistani-American is a confusing concept, so is Muslim-American (nowdays). We were also quite upset with the US war-mongering.

So, we have looked for a better place, and found one in Canada. Our kids will now be Canadian-Muslims. In the process, I will be making 15% less money, be leaving a place which I am familiar with for a new one, but I am convinced we will have 100% more peace of mind, in the long run.

Similarly, if you are going back to Pakistan, for more peace of mind, then I would encourage you to enthusiastically pursue it. Don`t listen to what anyone says to you, otherwise. There is absolutely nothing more important than family (parents, wife, husband, siblings, kids - if one has some) and peace of mind. Whatever your reasons are, as long as it leads to more peace of mind, that is all that counts.

However, just make sure, you have thought through all the options. I have seen far too many people who go back to Pakistan, grow up a bit, get into more practicalities of life, and then spend their next years trying to get back to the USA.

Other than that, wherever you go, whomever you meet, take the best from them, give them your best, and leave the rest to God. The most successful people I have met have always been the ones, who have gone against the grain......

psssst, hamidm...i think jay is ignoring you :)...

Zermin:

this appears straight from the heart…(well written except for the Freudian slip) …wish you success and luck in all your endeavors…

Sammy:

… have this feeling there is more to this story than she has shared…there is something important that is missing from here…a Pakistani born and bred gal…out here for three years…crying twice…yearning to go back…and I do understand this yearning…have two friends who did exactly that and are modestly successful in their endeavors…are they happy? perhaps…for me happiness is a state of mind…so it is not relevant while discussing anyone…and like zermin they had their reasons to return…but in this case feel there is more to her story than is readable here…

lve,

t

JAY #2
Your reply is very very disappointing. Too much hatred reflects the evil in you.

I don`t get it. Amreeka has so much to offer to newly arrived desis.... like unrestricted access to porn, alcohol, peep shows etc. etc.... And of course the chance to get laid. Whats this cribbing about, hanh?

ahmadzai #11

[Other than that, America the land and its people are truly the greatest place and people in the world.]

Right on brother. Now can you tell this great American who lives next door that his `55 chevy on blocks is an eyesore and that fumes from his meth lab have given whooping cough to my dog Nehru!

What is ``peace of mind``

When I worked as an English as a Second Language teacher, every student I worked with experienced culture shock regardlesss of their length of stay, ambitions, language acquisitions, from city boys from Tokyo to young women from South Korea, to Uzbekis, French and Brazillian. Some went out and had a comically great time (have you seen an Uzbeki party?) and others stay at home making soup and watching movies from home. The good thing about this program was that these international students are lived together and were able to find commonalities, even the French!

I also want to write about the students from Japan, France, Korea and Argentina who wanted to stay here because they felt they could be the artist, person, human that they could not be at home. One student, a woman from Japan found several internships in art galleries (she is an artist). We often talked about identity and how certain cities away from home allow one to have more fluid and self determined movements and thoughts. She felt liberated here, whereas in Japan, she`d be old, single, etc. (she was barely thirty)

What I wonder about is how terrified immigrants from Pakistan are in losing an identity constructed around religious, cultural, political and social systems. If a young woman comes from Karachi, i.e., is single, working on a prof. endeavor, is she given the message that she will eventually be ``corrupted`` by the values of adaptation and assimilation? I suspect it is. What I also find unamusing and narrowminded are the arguments of those interactors who through a profound lack of imagination and as someone pointed out, vision, make the decisions any normal human immigrants make a living hell citing nationalism, fundamentalism, so called differing cultural values (sameer, your post was appreciated). Its apparent that these rigid identity people need to bully the rest of us-and I`m refering to the usual poster suspects...why is that?

Zermin

I respect your views but I do not agree. One of the good aspects of the American culture (or the Western Culture) is that you have a space to yourself. No one else interferes in that personal space of yours. You have a freedom of thinking, doing and living a life of your choice as long as your independence does not infring on others. It is not so in Pakistan or in the East. Here you are everybody`s problem. Your family, your collegues, your state and your religion. I find this quite suffocating.

In the Western society, you need to identify your goals and your interests. And then you need to associate with the group with similar goals and interests. Then you will discover that they are as warm and close and as forthcoming as in the Eastern society. The only difference being that in the East, they expect you to reciprocate (except for Father & Mother). In the west, it is unconditinal and unlimited and is based purely on the human value syatem.

You felt lonely there because in my opinion, you expected the same superficial double talk of the East. Whereas, everything there is straight and upfront. No hidden agendas. And then I think, you could not or did not associate with people with similar interests or goals.

Obviously, the people will not be interested in details of your family unless the relationship has gone to that notch.

But it is good that you came back. You can contribute here. You are sensitive and have a need of close social support.

Well written piece. Very honest. I wish you the best.

Zermin:

You sent me down the memory lane. I went to the USA for studies and then went back to Pakistan, but was soon on international assignments. In retrospection, I believe that I did the perfect thing. Alhamdolillah, I am better off in terms of peace of mind and wealth as compared to my colleagues in America. Other than that, America the land and its people are truly the greatest place and people in the world. I cherish my memories of America and I and my family travel to that country almost every 6 months. I am sure you will be able to do likewise - regardless of WOT, WOI and WOM, etc.

And just for you and at least 1 other member here, I will upload 1 of my photographs of Chicago on this website.

I hope you learned some good value amidst your unhappy stay in the USA. I hope that you will use these values of hard work, honesty, law abiding, responsibility and live-and-let-live attitude towards minorities in Pakistan. I also hope you will give your children easily pronouncable names for Pakistanis just as your name might have been difficult to pronounce by Americans. Finally I hope that you will treat girls and women equal, not throwing garbage out on the street and making every effort to tell people the hazards of unhealthy habits like smoking and chewing paan.

You should be glad that going to America was a `safar wasila-e-zafar`, not like going to Afghanistan and coming back with `safar wasila-e-sufferings or going to middle east for `safar wasila-e-akhrat`.

It is true that living outside the land of the pure is hard for people who are used to the luxuries and comforts which are seldom available abroad. (I am one of them). Though it is interesting to note that the experience in itself brings about a huge change in people and their lifestyle. I have obsevred ,myself, some moderate people turning completely towards religon to seek peace of mind and sometimes very shy and not-so-liberal people taking a 180 degree turn and adapting completely to the new culture. But I guess it is hard to draw to right balance between the two and yet not losing the sight of the goal!!!!!!!

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Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. I can sympathetize that life in another country may not have the same and immediate sense of embedded support systems that might exist in Pakistan. When we are passing through culture shock (which you account sounds like a text book case of), those systems may not be enough for our comfort. There is also the inevitably of assimilation that seems to really frighten those of us raised with rigid definitions of identity. Change can be traumatic, but the inability to understand, endure and accept change can hinder our growth as human beings. Your niece was adapting in perfectly normal manner, given the imposed stratifications a rigid identity from which many South Asians still adhere to.

I was also thinking about the the reality of working. Most of my fam and friend work pretty hard to earn a decent paycheck, meet their prof. goals, go to school, raise famillies, keep active in prof., personal and community endeavors. There is never enough time to do the things you`d like to...am I upset about it? Sometimes....but other times, goals have to be met and we all make it a point to meet up. I would also hazard that the lives of working class immigrants are appreciably difficult in that they are working even harder to become established.

Its not easy.

...boohoo...stop whining and learn to adapt...there are so many ways to make good friends in college...join a sport team, join a club that interests you, open your mind to being friends with people who are not pakistani/desi...not everyone is cold and shallow...

...you came all the way to america, and were looking for pakistan the whole time...living with 3 girls who you expected to be just like you...why not just stay in pakistan, then?...