Death

Okay, I agree that what happened to the girl was indeed terrible...but wait a minute. Dont you think that it was the girl`s decision to stick with the guy, unassuming what kind of person he might turn out to be?
Is she alone not responsible for what happened to her? Its like someone buys a radio, then when it goes faulty, certainly the manufacturer is to blame, but then, did you do enough research to find out if the product you are about to buy is good enough?

Prevalence

One in four women surveyed was victim of rape or attempted rape.
An additional one in four women surveyed was touched sexually against her will or was victim of sexual coercion.
84 percent of those raped knew their attacker.
57 percent of those rapes happened while on dates.
One in twelve male students surveyed had committed acts that met the legal definitions of rape or attempted rape.
84 percent of those men who committed rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
Sixteen percent of the male students who committed rape and ten percent of those who attempted a rape took part in episodes involving more than one attacker.

Responses of the Victim

Only 27 percent of those women whose sexual assault met the legal definition of rape thought of themselves as rape victims.
42 percent of the rape victims did not tell anyone about their assaults.
Only five percent of the rape victims reported the crime to the police.
Only five percent of the rape victims sought help at rape-crisis centers.
Whether they had acknowledged their experience as a rape or not, thirty percent of the women identified as rape victims contemplated suicide after the incident.
82 percent of the victims said that the experience had permanently changed them.

V. Myths About Acquaintance Rape

There are a set of beliefs and misunderstandings about acquaintance rape that are held by a large portion of the population. These faulty beliefs serve to shape the way acquaintance rape is dealt with on both personal and societal levels. This set of assumptions often presents serious obstacles for victims as they attempt to cope with their experience and recovery.

Myth
Reality

Myth: A woman who gets raped usually deserves it, especially if she has agreed to go to a man`s house or park with him.
Reality: No one deserves to be raped. Being in a man`s house or car does not mean that a woman has agreed to have sex with him.

Myth: If a woman agrees to allow a man to pay for dinner, drinks, etc., then it means she owes him sex.
Reality: Sex is not an implied payback for dinner or other expense no matter how much money has been spent.

Myth: Acquaintance rape is committed by men who are easy to identify as rapists.
Reality: Women are often raped by ``normal`` acquaintances who resemble ``regular guys.``

Myth: Women who don`t fight back haven`t been raped.
Reality: Rape occurs when one is forced to have sex against their will, whether they have decided to fight back or not.

Myth:Intimate kissing or certain kinds of touching mean that intercourse is inevitable.
Reality: Everyone`s right to say ``no`` should be honored, regardless of the activity which preceded it.

Myth: Once a man reaches a certain point of arousal, sex is inevitable and they can`t help forcing themselves upon a woman.
Reality: Men are capable of exercising restraint in acting upon sexual urges.

Myth: Most women lie about acquaintance rape because they have regrets after consensual sex.
Reality: Acquaintance rape really happens - to people you know, by people you know.

Myth: Women who say ``No`` really mean ``Yes.``
Reality: This notion is based on rigid and outdated sexual stereotypes.

Myth: Certain behaviors such as drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way make rape a woman`s responsibility.
Reality: Drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way are not invitations for sex.


VI. Who are the Victims?

Although it is not possible to make accurate predictions about who will be subjected to acquaintance rape and who won`t, there is some evidence that certain beliefs and behaviors may increase the risk of becoming a victim. Women who subscribe to ``traditional`` views of men occupying a position of dominance and authority relative to women (who are seen as passive and submissive) may be at increased risk. In a study where the justifiability of rape was rated based on fictional dating scenarios, women with traditional attitudes tended to view the rape as acceptable if the women had initiated the date (Muehlenhard, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989). Drinking alcohol or taking drugs appears to be associated with acquaintance rape. Koss (1988) found that at least 55 percent of the victims in her study had been drinking or taking drugs just before the attack. Women who are raped within dating relationships or by an acquaintance are seen as ``safe`` victims because they are unlikely to report the incident to authorities or even view it as rape. Not only did a mere five percent of the women who had been raped in the Koss study report the incident, but 42 percent of them had sex again with their assailants.

The company one keeps may be a factor in predisposing women to an increased risk of sexual assault. An investigation of dating aggression and the features of college peer groups (Gwartney-Gibbs & Stockard, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989) supports this idea. The results indicate that those women who characterized the men in their mixed-sex social group as occasionally displaying forceful behavior towards women were significantly more likely themselves to be victims of sexual aggression. Being in familiar surroundings does not provide security. Most acquaintance rapes take place in either the victim`s or the assailant`s home, apartment, or dormitory.

VII. Who Commits Acquaintance Rape?

Just as with the victim, it is not possible to clearly identify individual men who will be participants in acquaintance rape. As a body of research begins to accumulate, however, there are certain characteristics which increase the risk factors. Acquaintance rape is not typically committed by psychopaths who are deviant from mainstream society. It is often expressed that direct and indirect messages given to boys and young men by our culture about what it means to male (dominant, aggressive, uncompromising) contribute to creating a mindset which is accepting of sexually aggressive behavior. Such messages are constantly sent via television and film when sex is portrayed as a commodity whose attainment is the ultimate male challenge. Notice how such beliefs are found within the vernacular of sex: ``I`m going to make it with her,`` ``Tonight`s the night I`m going to score,`` ``She`s never had anything like this before,`` ``What a piece of meat,`` ``She`s afraid to give it up.``

Nearly everyone is exposed to this sexually biased current by various media, yet this does not account for individual differences in sexual beliefs and behaviors. Buying into stereotypical attitudes regarding sex roles tends to be associated with justification of intercourse under any circumstances. Other characteristics of the individual seem to facilitate sexual aggression. Research designed to determine traits of sexually aggressive males (Malamuth, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989) indicated that high scores on scales measuring dominance as a sexual motive, hostile attitudes towards women, condoning the use of force in sexual relationships, and the amount of prior sexual experience were all significantly related to self-reports of sexually aggressive behavior. Furthermore, the interaction of several of these variables increased the chance that an individual had reported sexually aggressive behavior. The inability to appraise social interactions, as well as prior parental neglect or sexual or physical abuse early in life may also be linked with acquaintance rape (Hall & Hirschman, in Wiehe and Richards, 1995). Finally, taking drugs or alcohol is commonly associated with sexual aggression. Of the men who were identified as having committed acquaintance rape, 75 percent had taken drugs or alcohol just prior to the rape (Koss, 1988).

VIII. The Effects of Acquaintance Rape

The consequences of acquaintance rape are often far-reaching. Once the actual rape has occurred and has been identified as rape by the survivor, she is faced with the decision of whether to disclose to anyone what has happened. In a study of acquaintance rape survivors (Wiehe & Richards, 1995), 97 percent informed at least one close confidant. The percentage of women who informed the police was drastically lower, at 28 percent. A still smaller number (twenty percent) decided to prosecute. Koss (1988) reports that only two percent of acquaintance rape survivors report their experiences to the police. This compared with the 21 percent who reported rape by a stranger to the police. The percentage of survivors reporting the rape is so low for several reasons. Self-blame is a recurring response which prevents disclosure. Even if the act has been conceived as rape by the survivor, there is often an accompanying guilt about not seeing the sexual assault coming before it was too late. This is often directly or indirectly reinforced by the reactions of family or friends in the form of questioning the survivor`s decisions to drink during a date or to invite the assailant back to their apartment, provocative behavior, or previous sexual relations. People normally relied upon for support by the survivor are not immune to subtly blaming the victim. Another factor which inhibits reporting is the anticipated response of the authorities. Fear that the victim will again be blamed adds to apprehension about interrogation. The duress of reexperiencing the attack and testifying at a trial, and a low conviction rate for acquaintance rapists, are considerations as well.

The percentage of survivors who seek medical assistance after an attack is comparable to the percentage reporting to police (Wiehe & Richards, 1995). Serious physical consequences often emerge and are usually attended to before the emotional consequences. Seeking medical help can also be a traumatic experience, as many survivors feel like they are being violated all over again during the examination. More often than not, attentive and supportive medical staff can make a difference. Survivors may report being more at ease with a female physician. The presence of a rape-crisis counselor during the examination and the long periods of waiting that are often involved with it can be tremendously helpful. Internal and external injury, pregnancy, and abortion are some of the more common physical aftereffects of acquaintance rape.

Research has indicated that the survivors of acquaintance rape report similar levels of depression, anxiety, complications in subsequent relationships, and difficulty attaining pre-rape levels of sexual satisfaction to what survivors of stranger rape report (Koss & Dinero, 1988). What may make coping more difficult for victims of acquaintance rape is a failure of others to recognize that the emotional impact is just as serious. The degree to which individuals experience these and other emotional consequences varies based on factors such as the amount of emotional support available, prior experiences, and personal coping style. The way that a survivor`s emotional harm may translate into overt behavior also depends on individual factors. Some may become very withdrawn and uncommunicative, others may act out sexually and become promiscuous. Those survivors who tend to deal the most effectively with their experiences take an active role in acknowledging the rape, disclosing the incident to appropriate others, finding the right help, and educating themselves about acquaintance rape and prevention strategies.

One of the most serious psychological disorders which can develop as the result of acquaintance rape is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Rape is just one of many possible causes of PTSD, but it (along with other forms of sexual assault) is the most common cause of PTSD in American women (McFarlane & De Girolamo, in van der Kolk, McFarlane, & Weisaeth, 1996). PTSD as it relates to acquaintance rape is defined as in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fourth Edition as ``the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one`s physical integrity`` (DSM-IV, American Psychiatric Association, 1994). A person`s immediate response to the event includes intense fear and helplessness. Symptoms which are part of the criteria for PTSD include persistent reexperiencing of the event, persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the event, and persistent symptoms of increased arousal. This pattern of reexperiencing, avoidance, and arousal must be present for at least one month. There must also be an accompanying impairment in social, occupational, or other important realm of functioning (DSM-IV, APA, 1994).

If one takes note of the causes and symptoms of PTSD and compares them to thoughts and emotions which might be evoked by acquaintance rape, it is not difficult to see a direct connection. Intense fear and helplessness are likely to be the core reactions to any sexual assault. Perhaps no other consequence is more devastating and cruel than the fear, mistrust, and doubt triggered by the simple encounters and communication with men which are a part of everyday living. Prior to the assault, the rapist had been indistinguishable from non rapists. After the rape, all men may be seen as potential rapists. For many victims, hypervigilance towards most men becomes permanent. For others, a long and difficult recovery process must be endured before a sense of normalcy returns.

IX. Prevention

The following section has been adapted from I Never Called It Rape, by Robin Warshaw. Prevention is not just the responsibility of the potential victims, that is, of women. Men may try to use acquaintance rape myths and false stereotypes about ``what women really want`` to rationalize or excuse sexually aggressive behavior. The most widely used defense is to blame the victim. Education and awareness programs, however, can have a positive effect in encouraging men to take increased responsibility for their behavior. Despite this optimistic statement, there will always be some individuals who won`t get the message. Although it may be difficult, if not impossible, to detect someone who will commit acquaintance rape, there are some characteristics which can signal trouble. Emotional intimidation in the form of belittling comments, ignoring, sulking, and dictating friends or style of dress may indicate high levels of hostility. Projecting an overt air of superiority or acting as if one knows another much better than the one actually does may also be associated with coercive tendencies. Body posturing such as blocking a doorway or deriving pleasure from physically startling or scaring are forms of physical intimidation. Harboring negative attitudes toward women in general can be detected in the need to speak derisively of previous girlfriends. Extreme jealousy and an inability to handle sexual or emotional frustration without anger may reflect potentially dangerous volatility. Taking offense at not consenting to activities which could limit resistance, such as drinking or going to a private or isolated place, should serve as a warning.

Many of these characteristics are similar to each other and contain themes of hostility and intimidation. Maintaining an awareness of such a profile may facilitate quicker, clearer, and more resolute decision-making in problematic situations. Practical guidelines which may be helpful in decreasing the risk of acquaintance rape are available. Expanded versions, as well as suggestions about what to do if rape occurs, may be found in Intimate Betrayal: Understanding and Responding to the Trauma of Acquaintance Rape (Wiehe & Richards, 1995) and I Never Called It Rape (Warshaw, 1994).



Urstruly,
And in what world would such a separation of the genders take place? And how would that be a normal situation, or lead to less repressed and repressive gender dynamics? In what universe that exists is that a reasonable value?
And would that preclude ``marital rape``, Urs Sahib? How about men raping men?
Eventually, we all have to grow up and face the real world....

Fara, the article is well-written, though I did notice a few inconsistencies, most of which temporal pointed out. Also, there were a couple of grammatical errors that might seem unimportant but do affect the overall `look` of the article. I know it`s a bit anal retentive to be talking about grammar when the issue is something as serious as rape, but hey, it`s all about good writing in the end, isn`t it?

Dear chuk:- she was only `one` of `many` that he had. this she found out through the friend...`his` friend who spoke up when it was too late. and ironically while tellnig her he added, `i had to get it offa my concience`. Damn these twisted *&$%@*

einsteinwallah:- `enjoy` was the wrong word i used, but i never meant it in the literal sense.

Syd:- the girl right now is 24 and all this happend about seven years back making her around 17yrs maybe, repitition of facts...true, but for me that was explaination enough for her lack of prudency.

Temporal:- when i was listening to her and saw the marks of the slashing, i was really more concerned with what she was going through rather than the sequence of events. if i were `investigating` her case, i would have raised the same questions as you have. if he had given so much as a clue to what he was about to do, she would have obviously never gone ahead with the relationship or that last meeting for that matter. in a normal person`s right mind, do you seroiusly think such an extremety can ever be intercepted and therefore avoided when all you are doing is `going to have a talk` with some one you think you are involved with. i have also indicated in the writing that she is primarily a compassionate individual. the first time he kissed her, `She felt a maternal instinct to hold his hand, to tell him she was there for him, would always be`. i think this is an over riding factor which never allowed her to critically analyse him.

AmericanExpress:- it was NOT a `DATE` as per se, atleast not to her not then. it was NOT a `stranger` either, atleast not to her, that is why she went in the first place. and at that time she was NOT in pakistan, sadly right now she is and that maybe explains her avoidance of therapy or for that matter her talking to her parents about it. and lastly we would all be living eutopic lives, if only a political proclamation of religion(s) could avoid such incidents.

FJ:- to avoid such comments as yours and criticism of self pity, was the exact reason WHY she never spoke about it in the first place. lack of judgement WAS definitely her fault...no denying that, anything more than that, i dont think so. even if she has now after seven years indulged in self pity, she deserves it...needs it more so, atleast till she can get it out of her system. it definitely might be her consent to it all that led to the rape, but then how many of us at 17 were concious of such delicate balances in a relationship. i tend to blame the guy more than her, because like ive written he had graduated soon after they began to talk. this leads me to assume logically that he had more sense in him than the girl.

American Express, dont know what to say to you because somehow I cant imagine anyone being as naive as that
Date rape or rape in any other forms exists in Pakistan to an extent that we are still unaware of. The molestation of women, that ranges from eve-teasing(whatever that term expresses is a paradox) to the sick things men do like pinching women on their posterior and then acting like innocents. And this just doesnt happen in the lower classes of society. The sad part of this story is that there is no form of rehabilitation of raped women, they live a life of condemnation if they come out into the open, or a life of silent misery without any therapy to help them. As a society and as a country, we may have built nuclear bombs and helped defeat an axis of evil, but we are unable to do anything about the people who truly deserve help.

American Express,

Oh yes, what a brilliant conclusion; date rape never happens in Pakistan....this story must be from Hindustan...

Extramarital sex is wrong; and rape in any shape and form is wronger; and meeting of a man and a woman where there is no third party around or near is wrongest.

FJ,

Dude, have you ever heard of ``date rape``...educate yourself already...

There a difference between rape and consent. This seems like consent leading up to rape. If so, the man is not fully to be blamed. The writer seems to want to portray a naive girl used ruthlessly, but her lame beginning followed by strong emotions against the rapist towards the end show that she was not so innocent after all. She is looking to pin the blame on someone with sympathy-gaining tactics. Women often fall under the delusion that it is always the man`s fault, especially weak women who ``switch to nicotine`` after a failure at attempted relationships. The girl needs professional help.

Farah:

welcome to chowk…perhaps it is late to observe your laid back and under-stated story telling…there were some loose ends...like school for college…but nothing that cannot be fixed or whipped into better shape…perhaps you deliberately wanted the locale vague…so i will make a calculated assumption…the locale is somewhere on the subcontinent

Some observations and comments:

---you told us she was not ‘very bright’…and since she succeeded later in life…she is/was not dumb either…

---typical middle class…lower or middle-middle

---had no prior boy-friends

---she never called him …[…She asked him for his number, he refused. Obviously his parents would never like it. She said shed be careful. He said he wasn’t comfortable…] is not very convincing…nor is rendezvous communication through his friend […His friend had told her he’d come over…]

---so we have one month of talking over the phone and one month of kissing when they meet ( and somewhere in between he moved out as well)…

---this is not quite believable specially when you tell us what happened later […He had to shut her up. With the same knife he slashed her arms. Once, twice, thrice…]…and then […Bandaged herself and wore her long sleeved shirt. It was late in the evening, she went to bed…] my problem is this…as a writer you would have to tone down the slashing ….or add some explanation for the parents…if the slashing were repeated…they could not be glossed over in the space of one evening…

---and this is all too indicative …[…She tried to find solace in food, it never worked. She switched to nicotine…] of the dilemmas faced by the ‘under class’ …and here I am using it judiciously…it is not only women and children but the poor and the near-poor…all of them suffer in silence at the hands of the ‘privileged’ few…

---if she could get out of the country ...as you indicated...then she should have gotten out to seek therapy...i cannot ever imagine the trauma a rape victim suffers... but having said that...the worst nightmares and traumas can be treated and controlled...food and nicotine...or a step beyond...soft and hard drugs are or were never the solution...and if she continues her highwire act she is bound to falter...

rape is not only a serious violation…of a persons body…but in our third world societies with overwhelming male domination its impact and scars last longer...she should get serious help soon...

digression:

…felt this glossed over an equally serious subject…or perhaps even a far more serious subject of counseling and therapy…not only for rape victims...but also for marriage counselling, child-wife abuse…friends who are there tell me the quality of treatment is sub-par…and availability and access limited to those in the upper strata of society…for the majority it is non-existent…

rgds,

t

ps: hope to read you again

From article:

[It is worth mentioning that the article is a true story. I hope the readers enjoy reading this.]

One cannot enjoy such articles. OTOH one wants to mourn such Death.

I am not sure I can whole heartedly agree with Tidbit and tainted. In Chowk archives I have come across an article titled ``Murder Most Foul``. The story there was a marriage which did not work. Divorce was in pipeline and certain to come through, and the girl was planning on marrying another person. When she left home and accompanied future husband to go to a women`s help group she was killed. Murdered by parents! It all depends on parents. I think so heroine of our story should be allowed to make a judgement of her own and decide whether to tell parents. With parents it could be very therapeutic if one can talk about such traumas.

One thing she should do is to stop wallowing in her grief. After all she is now successful and world belongs to her. She should definitely consider marrying.

Farah,

It is a fairly good piece. And it is good that you decided against making it anything other than what your friend narrated to you. However, I can not decide if Emm`s present position- Her silence has divided her into two people, the good beti at home and the good person she is outside home. She masterminds them both. She knows she’s neither. She killed herself a long time back, never to be resurrected-should be considered a consequence of weakness to defend self or an act of bravery? The weakness I am referring to does not lie in the fact that she concealed all, but in that when she did realise that seemigly the boy met only when he wanted to kiss her, couldn`t she say to herself that ``no, let`s stop and find out the meaning of this relationship, it seems dubious``? Just speculation. Always easier said than done, I know. But if you feel your friend can answer that question, do ask her that. Don`t get back to me on this if she says something on the lines of `it was that young naive age` because that`s what I am presuming for the time being.

Thanks
Syd

tidbit, i agree with you about the idea that she should have come clean to her parents. But thats so easy for us to say, who live relatively sheltered lives, where rape, incest and molestation is a fear, not a reality that looms.

Dear Farah,

I like this piece, but I do have a question regarding the escalation of the physical closeness between the two characters. Its hard for me to understand, that a guy only kissed her on all their rendez-vous and never tried to take a bolder step. Men tend to move fairly rapid between the first kiss and the exploration of the female anatomy. This is just natural for them. I have to be a little critical for the rythem of the events. Its like a long flat line, followed by a sharp increase and then it plunges. It feels a bit unnatural. I would love for you to clarify it?

Thanks

powerful stuff farah....i think what i liked most about this piece was that u told it like it was..simple and devoid of any pretense...that`s wat makes a good writer...and a writing worth reading....

the fact that its a true story is incredibly incredibly terrifying...though i must say that after a thorough read, your friend seems like an intelligent, educated person. for one thing she harbored no illusions about her relationship...at least i dont think she did...and i know that talking about rape/molestation is a painful and scandalous topic to say the least...but i think she should have come clean with her parents...but then i suppose that`s easy for me to say...

maybe its not too late for her to seek help...to overcome the profound loss and violation that she still feels...

keep writing...

samina

dis is amAzin sTuff....n da thought dat its a true story mAkes me shudder....but den it is a reflection of our sociEty....a bitter truth!!!