Death

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``You can beat your wife, so sayeth Allah``

Uhh, Keshto, I really don`t know which part of the world u belong to, but Koranic verses are all supported and explained by Hadith of the Prophet. The beating in this verse, for instance, is explained as: ``a slight nudging that should not leave a mark on the woman`s body, permanent or temporary`` Bukhari, Muslim
So, technically, Islam does not allow u to hit your wife so as to sting her skin even!

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saminashah:

apologies for not making clear that my remarks were not directed at you personally. i just wanted to make a point that criticism from abroad often does more harm than good especially when religion is painted as primary cause of backwardness. as you are probably aware, majority of the women in pakistan have to overcome great obstacles to do simple things like get an education or if they are lucky, get a job. religion is often a source of strength for these people. defining progress as absence of religion only alienates people who need support.

also the world is getting smaller. i can bet that the reality show will be on cable tv in pakistan pretty soon after its broadcast in the u.s. most people in pak don’t know enough about the u.s. to distinguish between a t.v. program and reality. shows like these only reinforce message women see on ptv dramas. who is there to teach women in pakistan that landing the right man is not the only path to salvation.

Faisaluno

Hey, you brought up the article...I also wouldn`t assume that we can afford Merlot ourselves and are not engaged in activist orgs. That would be a grave mistake.

FJ
Charlatan.

see how they rant and rave when a lowly muslim male from a backward jihadic state like pakistan (born in north nazimabad no less) dares to comment upon the values of a modern multicultural, multiethnic, pluralistic, progressive, and tolerant america. actually i admit my remark stemmed from a sense of frustration arising out of loss of power. i recognize that my days of repressing muslim women are over now that their cause is taken up by people who previously spent their time discussing the merits of a bottle of wine whose cost would feed a family of four for a week in the old world. too bad these people were not around to advise macom x. who knows what he would achieved by now had not gone astray. as for me, i am going back to dreaming about the 72 virgins.

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/01/08/books/08MALC.html

In impressions he recorded during his hajj, or pilgrimage, to Mecca in April 1964, for example, Malcolm X describes his shock at seeing Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds and skin colors. ``People with blue eyes & blond hair, bowing in complete submission to Allah beside those with black skin and kinky hair,`` he wrote. Elsewhere he noted he was ``not conscious of color (race) for the first time in my life.``
Upon his return to the United States, Malcolm X, whose original surname was Little, changed his name again, to el-Hajj Malik el-Shabazz, and founded the Organization of Afro-American Unity to promote the rights of blacks of all faiths.

sobia, weak because she needs crutches. Smokes, needs premarital relationships to fulfil voids in her.

faraa, my sympathies are with women who have really suffered RAPE, meaning they had to endure something they never foresaw coming or they were not privy to actions leading upto that RAPE beforehand. In cases like ``date rape``, often a euphemism for sex where the woman eventually decides she no longer likes the guy anymore, they do not deserve much sympathy. These women have their self-pity to comfort them, like you pointed out. ``Date rape`` ``victims`` have consciously dated and allowed themselves to get into that position most of the time. Had they not sold their morals openly already, they would not have guilty pangs leading to self-pity later. Genuine RAPE victims do not make an issue out of what they have suffered because they want to get on with their lives and often have the determination to do so, though really they are the ones who should be constantly screaming murder.

re:44

And there you are ladies and gentlemen, by using an example of really bad American t.v. programming, it is proven that gender assault in Pakistan does not exist, and Pakistan is indeed the perfect society...what can I say, yoga teachers roll up your mats and pay respects to those whose logic outlimbers the Kundalini.

fear not desi women. paleface is coming to the rescue.

http://atrios.blogspot.com/2003_01_05_atrios_archive.html#90160860

ARE YOU READY TO BE ON NBC’S NEWEST REALITY TV SHOW?


TENNER PASKAL & RUDNICKE CASTING IS LOOKING FOR ATTRACTIVE
SINGLE MEN & WOMEN TO AUDITION
FOR NBC’S NEWEST TV REALITY SHOW
“AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DATES”


*The premise of the show is one lucky eligible man will travel around the world on a private jet in order to meet the love of his life. His journey will begin in New York City. There he will meet 20 fabulous single women from around the United States. He will select several American women to continue on the journey with him as he travels to other romantic international cities. In each local he will be introduced to other women who will compete for his love. Five finalists of his choosing will return to the states with him for a final decision and they will share Prize money as they continue their relationship.

MEN SHOULD BE 26-34 YRS OLD & CAUCASIAN
AND
WOMEN SHOULD BE 21-34 YRS OLD & ANY ETHNICITY
Those interested should bring a non-returnable picture.

Brother Hamid,

Its much worse than that; not only must I teach classes of adults of both genders sans chador/hijab/separating curtain, because the country of plurality I live in think its unnecessary to do so, but I am forced to look at issues, subjects, interpretations OUTSIDE of the Q`uran!
Actually, on a humorous notes my colleagues and I sometimes compare notes on different kinds of students. One of my colleagues, a brilliant, lovely and devastingly witty African American Ph.D candidate has had a Nigerian student alienate every female in the room by insisting that most of the troubles of the world are caused by the lack of Urstruly`s Law of Fire Brigade, and submitted a paper using the Bible as a scholarly source to argue that abortion is immoral. I had a Chinese student, a bright young woman, who cared enough about my soul to bring in her Jehovah Witnesses publications, the Watchtower, for me to peruse. My colleagues and I have to clarify at the beg. of each semester that in essay genres/research papers writing, religious texts, Nostradamus, etc. are NOT considered sources of interrogation in the issues they choose to write about. Or as my colleague irritably puts it to her Holy Rollers, ``Clearly the Bible isnt the end all be all; if the Bible had the answers to everything, we wouldnt have to be in this class researching different ideas and interpretations to issues would we? Now get your backside to the library and do some work!`` , which I take pretty much as the last word on that subject...

sister saminasha

......... and what, if i may ask, are you doing teaching men?..... a woman is not allowed to lead the prayers, lead the nation, eat buffalo wings, drink beer, burp or teach men ......... no siree, no can do ........ you should stay home and make parathas for mr smainasha and he should do whatever teaching needs to be done .......... and he too, according to mullah omar and the jackasses that rule the frontier province, should teach boys only .......... and what goes on between a man and his nada is nobody`s business .............

............. arn`t you glad you live in a country which allows you to teach freshmen even if you can`t eat buffalo wings, drink beer and burp ?........ i guess you could, but you would be ostracized by high society

Umer M,

Google ``date rape`` and a great deal of research will be available; my own copy/paste was derived from a Western academic source, which of course will, as the Islamacists will claim, render any conclusions made by the study stupififyingly irrelevant to the issue of sexual assault in Pakistan, and yet somehow, thru convolutions I can only aspire to in my yoga class, also an indictment of Shaitan and the Muslim in the West....because power here and patriarchy there are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS, right?

Brother Hamid,

And my point exactly: how am I to have student-teacher conferences with male students barely out of high school and maintain Urstruly`s Law of Fire Brigade Control? It doesn`t matter that students and profs. understand that non academic communication is strictly verboten, or that I personally could not engage in dynamics based on the power imbalance that defines student-teacher interaction (unlike, might I add, an interesting number of male profs), or even that I consider college freshmen as interesting as uncooked chicken, we must figure a way from thoughts being transmitted in a place of intellectual inquiry, being that I and my sisters are, you know, female.

Samina,

Your statistics, were they obtained from a Pakistani population (where the girl was raped) or were they taken from some other place?

Thank you,
Umer M.

............. i have been thinking about urstruly`s fatwa that men and women shouldn`t be left alone .........and i am beginning to see the virtue in this line of thinking..... for example, see what happened when bhutto was left alone with indra gandhi and fiona carley was left alone with what`s his name from compaq ............ and what about condy rice and bush meeting alone to conspire against poor colin powell ............. but it also raises some interesting questions : what if fiona wants to meet with bill gates to plot the takeover of the world`s computers ............ and what about one woman being alone on the space station with five lecherous astronauts .............. and really, what about saminashah being apone with a male student to go over his english paper ........ i just see problems everywhere .......... what about a woman being alone with a rickshaw driver on her way to get dal sabzi ............

............ it is a horrible horrible world that forces men and women to be alone and i take my head towel off to real men who have never been alone with the she-devil - the root of all fitna and the cause of global warming ....................

Temporal Bhaisahib,

My brother, it is my duty to correct you, respectfully, of course that Kashmir, Chechenya and Palestine are indeed the fault of my weaker sex; some of us besharam aurateh refuse to wear chador as symbol against Indian hegemony, we have only recently begun blowing ourselves up in suicide bombings when our strong and courageous boys and men have been self and other combusting for lo! many years, and in fact, we all know that airplanes themselves are little more than Hooters franchises in the sky with barely covered waitresses getting all uppity calling themselves not even stewardesses, but Flight Attendents! No wonder Brother Atta and company were forced to remind us that we are straying from the path of piety-imagine! A plane ! With both genders on it!
Also, I am sure that if you look closely, there is some female responsibility for Russian rule in Chechneya which is why Russia is so godless and cruel to us, and the existance of Russian prostitutes should spare me from having to make any argument henceforth.

Also, Brother Temporal, as you have actually felt compelled to respond to my post, I am afraid I`ll have to leave the room to flaggellate myself for having a thought...this is a very distressing situation, my having ``thoughts`` as Brother Jinn Hamid pointed out, and I`m doing my best to ameliorate this abberrant behavior...having written that, I`ll have to fortify myself before responding to your poetry thread, for having ideas in response to your work and posting them and getting responses from your gender might send me to khush-khudi.

Please dont reply...I`m all out of Urstruly love...and cannot bear another slap...

Sammi you are so right…it is all women’s fault…think I read somewhere it is ordained…from nudging bawa adam to take that first bite…to enticing men away from women…taubah taubah…poor noah had to resort to ship building to get away from all that…then at the time of beloved prophet’s death…then when muawiyah stirred…then when husain was stalled…

…the more we deliberate we see the women’s hands in them all catastrophes…

…the only few instances where I do not see women’s machiavellian machinations at play are:

---kashmir
---palestine
---chechenya
---the manhattan affair (and the two subsequent live tests)
---that bearded fellow the uni-super super power is still searching for
---hydra senior and the more obnoxious hydra junior
---the heads of the two baath parties, likud, labor, gop, democrats, any jamaat party anywhere,

…gotta run….the she-devil is beckoning..;)

nah Saminasha, why not blame technology? Or why not blame women for attracting rapists?

Tainted,

Actually, Hamid and Urstruly are right, its this damned technology that is bringing Shaitan into our family rooms and serving him chai and namkeen. The telephone, the computers, typewriters, cardiac machines, generators, music,- all of these things are WESTERN ideas and are not in keeping with The Muslimat Fire Brigade. In fact, while I was writing and posting this, the very idea that females and males could be reading this, planted a seed of shaitaniat into my brain...I had to go into the other room and slap myself a couple of more times to remind myself that if any male was responsive to my thoughts, it was my fault.

Until we can come up with a medication that stops all humans from thinking about each other except at times proscribed by Sharia law, we must find away to keep our minds from devilry, esp. us weak women, something that keeps us compulsively repressed...

Wait...How about praying five times a day?

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This is sick truly sick.It sickens me to know that people could actually suggest the fact that women encourage rape by talking on the phone?!
What kind of society are we living in where rapists are lauded for ``avenging honour``?
Rape can happen anywhere, to anyone.
Think about how you would feel if this happened to you or someone you loved, and no one would support you, no one would want to help you deal with the situation and you would have to bear the taunts, pitiful glances and words of screwed up ``wisdom``.

urstruly

``and meeting of a man and a woman where there is no third party around or near is wrongest. ``

.......... to be technically correct, shouldn`t that be ``where there are less than four third parties around`` ........

.......... personally, i think women shouldn`t be allowed to talk on the phone - it is the devil`s invention and encourages promiscuity which results in rapes, aids and other terrible things like smarty-pants women who want to be treated like people ..............

Samina Shah,

from http://www.wponline.org/vil/Default.htm

Khulwah

Islam prohibits khulwah (Privacy or khulwah denotes a man and woman`s being alone together in a place in which there is no fear of intrusion by anyone else, so that an opportunity exists for sexual intimacy such as touching, kissing, embracing or even for intercourse.) between a man and a woman who are outside the degree of a mahrem relationship. (Mahrem denotes a relationship either by marriage or by close blood ties of such degree that marriage is permanently prohibited. With reference to a woman, a mahrem is either her husband or any male relative with whom marriage is permanently forbidden, such as her father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle or nephew. For the purposes of this discussion, all other relationships will be referred to as ``non-mahrem.`` (Trans.)) The reason for this is not a lack of trust in one or both of them; it is rather to protect them from wrong thoughts and sexual feelings which naturally arise within a man and a woman when they are alone together without the fear of intrusion by a third person. The Prophet (peace be on him) said: Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day must never be in privacy with a woman without there being a mahrem (of hers) with her, for otherwise Satan will be the third person (with them). (Reported by Ahmad on the authority of `Amir ibn Rabi`ah.)

Allah Ta`ala tells the Companions of the Prophet (peace be on him), ...And when you ask them (the Prophet`s wives) for anything, ask them from behind a curtain; that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts.... (33:35)

In an explanation of this verse, Imam al-Qurtabi says, ``This means such thoughts as occur to men regarding women and to women regarding men. This will remove any possibility of suspicion and accusation, and will protect (their) honor. This command implies that no one should trust himself to be in privacy with a non-mahrem woman; the avoidance of such situations is better for one`s purity of heart, strength of soul, and perfection of chastity.`` (Tafsir of al-Qurtabi, vol. 14, p. 228.)

The statistics you quoted mentioned that 84% of those raped knew their attacker. Also that 57% of those acts of rape happened while on a date; that means every other woman who was assaulted not only knew her attacker but was also on possibly affectionate terms with him. That`s frightening.

It`s disappointing to note some of the responses here; God forbid, should this happen to someone you love, would you still be clucking your tongues in disapproval, or beating the life out of the poor girl for ever getting involved? People make mistakes and when it`s at such severe consequences to themselves, I think it`s our responsibility, being adults to help them recover as kindly and gently as we can. Only a madman will shout at a child who`s been hurt.

saminashah

It is always the best strategy to prevent fires than to have the best fire brigade. Prevention is better than cure. Conventional wisdom has neither agenda nor ideology.

Re: FJ #16

``She is looking to pin the blame on someone with sympathy-gaining tactics. Women often fall under the delusion that it is always the man`s fault, especially weak women who ``switch to nicotine`` after a failure at attempted relationships``

The fact that the victim (and I use this word on purpose) has not spoken about the rape to anyone- except for her friend, the author- is unhealthy, yes...but it does not make her weak. I can only imagine the trauma she must`ve gone through and what all she had to endure in the form of guilt, self-disgust and shame. Please do remember that most women are raped by men they know very well, and most of them end up blaming themselves, thinking they were somehow responsible for `enticing` the man into raping them. This does not take away from the fact that NO MATTER WHAT, NO man has the right to rape a woman. A large percentage of women in Pakistan I`m sure do not report a rape, not because they are `weak` but because our society is such that a victim is often treated as worse than the criminal, and is actually blamed for the rape because she `asked for it`.

Sad, sad , sad...

Many rape vicitims end up feeling that it`s their fault, that they invited all of this upon themselves, that they were somehow responsible for all of this...

And feeling dirty is another side effect of rape (hence your shower scene and scrubbing - of course, the scrubbing doesn`t just go after one shower)...

Saying that and I`m saying this `cos I actually felt hurt reading this (and this is just my way of expressing hurt)...what a stupid, stupid girl... an inexperienced member of the `weaker sex` in a sexually repressed country meeting an unknowner in places away from people...I mean, didn`t we all see this coming one way or another because some of the actions and the lack of precautions just don`t make sense to me..

Well, I hope she recovers with time.
Umer M.

Okay, I agree that what happened to the girl was indeed terrible...but wait a minute. Dont you think that it was the girl`s decision to stick with the guy, unassuming what kind of person he might turn out to be?
Is she alone not responsible for what happened to her? Its like someone buys a radio, then when it goes faulty, certainly the manufacturer is to blame, but then, did you do enough research to find out if the product you are about to buy is good enough?

Prevalence

One in four women surveyed was victim of rape or attempted rape.
An additional one in four women surveyed was touched sexually against her will or was victim of sexual coercion.
84 percent of those raped knew their attacker.
57 percent of those rapes happened while on dates.
One in twelve male students surveyed had committed acts that met the legal definitions of rape or attempted rape.
84 percent of those men who committed rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
Sixteen percent of the male students who committed rape and ten percent of those who attempted a rape took part in episodes involving more than one attacker.

Responses of the Victim

Only 27 percent of those women whose sexual assault met the legal definition of rape thought of themselves as rape victims.
42 percent of the rape victims did not tell anyone about their assaults.
Only five percent of the rape victims reported the crime to the police.
Only five percent of the rape victims sought help at rape-crisis centers.
Whether they had acknowledged their experience as a rape or not, thirty percent of the women identified as rape victims contemplated suicide after the incident.
82 percent of the victims said that the experience had permanently changed them.

V. Myths About Acquaintance Rape

There are a set of beliefs and misunderstandings about acquaintance rape that are held by a large portion of the population. These faulty beliefs serve to shape the way acquaintance rape is dealt with on both personal and societal levels. This set of assumptions often presents serious obstacles for victims as they attempt to cope with their experience and recovery.

Myth
Reality

Myth: A woman who gets raped usually deserves it, especially if she has agreed to go to a man`s house or park with him.
Reality: No one deserves to be raped. Being in a man`s house or car does not mean that a woman has agreed to have sex with him.

Myth: If a woman agrees to allow a man to pay for dinner, drinks, etc., then it means she owes him sex.
Reality: Sex is not an implied payback for dinner or other expense no matter how much money has been spent.

Myth: Acquaintance rape is committed by men who are easy to identify as rapists.
Reality: Women are often raped by ``normal`` acquaintances who resemble ``regular guys.``

Myth: Women who don`t fight back haven`t been raped.
Reality: Rape occurs when one is forced to have sex against their will, whether they have decided to fight back or not.

Myth:Intimate kissing or certain kinds of touching mean that intercourse is inevitable.
Reality: Everyone`s right to say ``no`` should be honored, regardless of the activity which preceded it.

Myth: Once a man reaches a certain point of arousal, sex is inevitable and they can`t help forcing themselves upon a woman.
Reality: Men are capable of exercising restraint in acting upon sexual urges.

Myth: Most women lie about acquaintance rape because they have regrets after consensual sex.
Reality: Acquaintance rape really happens - to people you know, by people you know.

Myth: Women who say ``No`` really mean ``Yes.``
Reality: This notion is based on rigid and outdated sexual stereotypes.

Myth: Certain behaviors such as drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way make rape a woman`s responsibility.
Reality: Drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way are not invitations for sex.


VI. Who are the Victims?

Although it is not possible to make accurate predictions about who will be subjected to acquaintance rape and who won`t, there is some evidence that certain beliefs and behaviors may increase the risk of becoming a victim. Women who subscribe to ``traditional`` views of men occupying a position of dominance and authority relative to women (who are seen as passive and submissive) may be at increased risk. In a study where the justifiability of rape was rated based on fictional dating scenarios, women with traditional attitudes tended to view the rape as acceptable if the women had initiated the date (Muehlenhard, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989). Drinking alcohol or taking drugs appears to be associated with acquaintance rape. Koss (1988) found that at least 55 percent of the victims in her study had been drinking or taking drugs just before the attack. Women who are raped within dating relationships or by an acquaintance are seen as ``safe`` victims because they are unlikely to report the incident to authorities or even view it as rape. Not only did a mere five percent of the women who had been raped in the Koss study report the incident, but 42 percent of them had sex again with their assailants.

The company one keeps may be a factor in predisposing women to an increased risk of sexual assault. An investigation of dating aggression and the features of college peer groups (Gwartney-Gibbs & Stockard, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989) supports this idea. The results indicate that those women who characterized the men in their mixed-sex social group as occasionally displaying forceful behavior towards women were significantly more likely themselves to be victims of sexual aggression. Being in familiar surroundings does not provide security. Most acquaintance rapes take place in either the victim`s or the assailant`s home, apartment, or dormitory.

VII. Who Commits Acquaintance Rape?

Just as with the victim, it is not possible to clearly identify individual men who will be participants in acquaintance rape. As a body of research begins to accumulate, however, there are certain characteristics which increase the risk factors. Acquaintance rape is not typically committed by psychopaths who are deviant from mainstream society. It is often expressed that direct and indirect messages given to boys and young men by our culture about what it means to male (dominant, aggressive, uncompromising) contribute to creating a mindset which is accepting of sexually aggressive behavior. Such messages are constantly sent via television and film when sex is portrayed as a commodity whose attainment is the ultimate male challenge. Notice how such beliefs are found within the vernacular of sex: ``I`m going to make it with her,`` ``Tonight`s the night I`m going to score,`` ``She`s never had anything like this before,`` ``What a piece of meat,`` ``She`s afraid to give it up.``

Nearly everyone is exposed to this sexually biased current by various media, yet this does not account for individual differences in sexual beliefs and behaviors. Buying into stereotypical attitudes regarding sex roles tends to be associated with justification of intercourse under any circumstances. Other characteristics of the individual seem to facilitate sexual aggression. Research designed to determine traits of sexually aggressive males (Malamuth, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989) indicated that high scores on scales measuring dominance as a sexual motive, hostile attitudes towards women, condoning the use of force in sexual relationships, and the amount of prior sexual experience were all significantly related to self-reports of sexually aggressive behavior. Furthermore, the interaction of several of these variables increased the chance that an individual had reported sexually aggressive behavior. The inability to appraise social interactions, as well as prior parental neglect or sexual or physical abuse early in life may also be linked with acquaintance rape (Hall & Hirschman, in Wiehe and Richards, 1995). Finally, taking drugs or alcohol is commonly associated with sexual aggression. Of the men who were identified as having committed acquaintance rape, 75 percent had taken drugs or alcohol just prior to the rape (Koss, 1988).

VIII. The Effects of Acquaintance Rape

The consequences of acquaintance rape are often far-reaching. Once the actual rape has occurred and has been identified as rape by the survivor, she is faced with the decision of whether to disclose to anyone what has happened. In a study of acquaintance rape survivors (Wiehe & Richards, 1995), 97 percent informed at least one close confidant. The percentage of women who informed the police was drastically lower, at 28 percent. A still smaller number (twenty percent) decided to prosecute. Koss (1988) reports that only two percent of acquaintance rape survivors report their experiences to the police. This compared with the 21 percent who reported rape by a stranger to the police. The percentage of survivors reporting the rape is so low for several reasons. Self-blame is a recurring response which prevents disclosure. Even if the act has been conceived as rape by the survivor, there is often an accompanying guilt about not seeing the sexual assault coming before it was too late. This is often directly or indirectly reinforced by the reactions of family or friends in the form of questioning the survivor`s decisions to drink during a date or to invite the assailant back to their apartment, provocative behavior, or previous sexual relations. People normally relied upon for support by the survivor are not immune to subtly blaming the victim. Another factor which inhibits reporting is the anticipated response of the authorities. Fear that the victim will again be blamed adds to apprehension about interrogation. The duress of reexperiencing the attack and testifying at a trial, and a low conviction rate for acquaintance rapists, are considerations as well.

The percentage of survivors who seek medical assistance after an attack is comparable to the percentage reporting to police (Wiehe & Richards, 1995). Serious physical consequences often emerge and are usually attended to before the emotional consequences. Seeking medical help can also be a traumatic experience, as many survivors feel like they are being violated all over again during the examination. More often than not, attentive and supportive medical staff can make a difference. Survivors may report being more at ease with a female physician. The presence of a rape-crisis counselor during the examination and the long periods of waiting that are often involved with it can be tremendously helpful. Internal and external injury, pregnancy, and abortion are some of the more common physical aftereffects of acquaintance rape.

Research has indicated that the survivors of acquaintance rape report similar levels of depression, anxiety, complications in subsequent relationships, and difficulty attaining pre-rape levels of sexual satisfaction to what survivors of stranger rape report (Koss & Dinero, 1988). What may make coping more difficult for victims of acquaintance rape is a failure of others to recognize that the emotional impact is just as serious. The degree to which individuals experience these and other emotional consequences varies based on factors such as the amount of emotional support available, prior experiences, and personal coping style. The way that a survivor`s emotional harm may translate into overt behavior also depends on individual factors. Some may become very withdrawn and uncommunicative, others may act out sexually and become promiscuous. Those survivors who tend to deal the most effectively with their experiences take an active role in acknowledging the rape, disclosing the incident to appropriate others, finding the right help, and educating themselves about acquaintance rape and prevention strategies.

One of the most serious psychological disorders which can develop as the result of acquaintance rape is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Rape is just one of many possible causes of PTSD, but it (along with other forms of sexual assault) is the most common cause of PTSD in American women (McFarlane & De Girolamo, in van der Kolk, McFarlane, & Weisaeth, 1996). PTSD as it relates to acquaintance rape is defined as in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fourth Edition as ``the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one`s physical integrity`` (DSM-IV, American Psychiatric Association, 1994). A person`s immediate response to the event includes intense fear and helplessness. Symptoms which are part of the criteria for PTSD include persistent reexperiencing of the event, persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the event, and persistent symptoms of increased arousal. This pattern of reexperiencing, avoidance, and arousal must be present for at least one month. There must also be an accompanying impairment in social, occupational, or other important realm of functioning (DSM-IV, APA, 1994).

If one takes note of the causes and symptoms of PTSD and compares them to thoughts and emotions which might be evoked by acquaintance rape, it is not difficult to see a direct connection. Intense fear and helplessness are likely to be the core reactions to any sexual assault. Perhaps no other consequence is more devastating and cruel than the fear, mistrust, and doubt triggered by the simple encounters and communication with men which are a part of everyday living. Prior to the assault, the rapist had been indistinguishable from non rapists. After the rape, all men may be seen as potential rapists. For many victims, hypervigilance towards most men becomes permanent. For others, a long and difficult recovery process must be endured before a sense of normalcy returns.

IX. Prevention

The following section has been adapted from I Never Called It Rape, by Robin Warshaw. Prevention is not just the responsibility of the potential victims, that is, of women. Men may try to use acquaintance rape myths and false stereotypes about ``what women really want`` to rationalize or excuse sexually aggressive behavior. The most widely used defense is to blame the victim. Education and awareness programs, however, can have a positive effect in encouraging men to take increased responsibility for their behavior. Despite this optimistic statement, there will always be some individuals who won`t get the message. Although it may be difficult, if not impossible, to detect someone who will commit acquaintance rape, there are some characteristics which can signal trouble. Emotional intimidation in the form of belittling comments, ignoring, sulking, and dictating friends or style of dress may indicate high levels of hostility. Projecting an overt air of superiority or acting as if one knows another much better than the one actually does may also be associated with coercive tendencies. Body posturing such as blocking a doorway or deriving pleasure from physically startling or scaring are forms of physical intimidation. Harboring negative attitudes toward women in general can be detected in the need to speak derisively of previous girlfriends. Extreme jealousy and an inability to handle sexual or emotional frustration without anger may reflect potentially dangerous volatility. Taking offense at not consenting to activities which could limit resistance, such as drinking or going to a private or isolated place, should serve as a warning.

Many of these characteristics are similar to each other and contain themes of hostility and intimidation. Maintaining an awareness of such a profile may facilitate quicker, clearer, and more resolute decision-making in problematic situations. Practical guidelines which may be helpful in decreasing the risk of acquaintance rape are available. Expanded versions, as well as suggestions about what to do if rape occurs, may be found in Intimate Betrayal: Understanding and Responding to the Trauma of Acquaintance Rape (Wiehe & Richards, 1995) and I Never Called It Rape (Warshaw, 1994).



Urstruly,
And in what world would such a separation of the genders take place? And how would that be a normal situation, or lead to less repressed and repressive gender dynamics? In what universe that exists is that a reasonable value?
And would that preclude ``marital rape``, Urs Sahib? How about men raping men?
Eventually, we all have to grow up and face the real world....

Fara, the article is well-written, though I did notice a few inconsistencies, most of which temporal pointed out. Also, there were a couple of grammatical errors that might seem unimportant but do affect the overall `look` of the article. I know it`s a bit anal retentive to be talking about grammar when the issue is something as serious as rape, but hey, it`s all about good writing in the end, isn`t it?

Dear chuk:- she was only `one` of `many` that he had. this she found out through the friend...`his` friend who spoke up when it was too late. and ironically while tellnig her he added, `i had to get it offa my concience`. Damn these twisted *&$%@*

einsteinwallah:- `enjoy` was the wrong word i used, but i never meant it in the literal sense.

Syd:- the girl right now is 24 and all this happend about seven years back making her around 17yrs maybe, repitition of facts...true, but for me that was explaination enough for her lack of prudency.

Temporal:- when i was listening to her and saw the marks of the slashing, i was really more concerned with what she was going through rather than the sequence of events. if i were `investigating` her case, i would have raised the same questions as you have. if he had given so much as a clue to what he was about to do, she would have obviously never gone ahead with the relationship or that last meeting for that matter. in a normal person`s right mind, do you seroiusly think such an extremety can ever be intercepted and therefore avoided when all you are doing is `going to have a talk` with some one you think you are involved with. i have also indicated in the writing that she is primarily a compassionate individual. the first time he kissed her, `She felt a maternal instinct to hold his hand, to tell him she was there for him, would always be`. i think this is an over riding factor which never allowed her to critically analyse him.

AmericanExpress:- it was NOT a `DATE` as per se, atleast not to her not then. it was NOT a `stranger` either, atleast not to her, that is why she went in the first place. and at that time she was NOT in pakistan, sadly right now she is and that maybe explains her avoidance of therapy or for that matter her talking to her parents about it. and lastly we would all be living eutopic lives, if only a political proclamation of religion(s) could avoid such incidents.

FJ:- to avoid such comments as yours and criticism of self pity, was the exact reason WHY she never spoke about it in the first place. lack of judgement WAS definitely her fault...no denying that, anything more than that, i dont think so. even if she has now after seven years indulged in self pity, she deserves it...needs it more so, atleast till she can get it out of her system. it definitely might be her consent to it all that led to the rape, but then how many of us at 17 were concious of such delicate balances in a relationship. i tend to blame the guy more than her, because like ive written he had graduated soon after they began to talk. this leads me to assume logically that he had more sense in him than the girl.

American Express, dont know what to say to you because somehow I cant imagine anyone being as naive as that
Date rape or rape in any other forms exists in Pakistan to an extent that we are still unaware of. The molestation of women, that ranges from eve-teasing(whatever that term expresses is a paradox) to the sick things men do like pinching women on their posterior and then acting like innocents. And this just doesnt happen in the lower classes of society. The sad part of this story is that there is no form of rehabilitation of raped women, they live a life of condemnation if they come out into the open, or a life of silent misery without any therapy to help them. As a society and as a country, we may have built nuclear bombs and helped defeat an axis of evil, but we are unable to do anything about the people who truly deserve help.

American Express,

Oh yes, what a brilliant conclusion; date rape never happens in Pakistan....this story must be from Hindustan...

Extramarital sex is wrong; and rape in any shape and form is wronger; and meeting of a man and a woman where there is no third party around or near is wrongest.

FJ,

Dude, have you ever heard of ``date rape``...educate yourself already...

There a difference between rape and consent. This seems like consent leading up to rape. If so, the man is not fully to be blamed. The writer seems to want to portray a naive girl used ruthlessly, but her lame beginning followed by strong emotions against the rapist towards the end show that she was not so innocent after all. She is looking to pin the blame on someone with sympathy-gaining tactics. Women often fall under the delusion that it is always the man`s fault, especially weak women who ``switch to nicotine`` after a failure at attempted relationships. The girl needs professional help.

Farah:

welcome to chowk…perhaps it is late to observe your laid back and under-stated story telling…there were some loose ends...like school for college…but nothing that cannot be fixed or whipped into better shape…perhaps you deliberately wanted the locale vague…so i will make a calculated assumption…the locale is somewhere on the subcontinent

Some observations and comments:

---you told us she was not ‘very bright’…and since she succeeded later in life…she is/was not dumb either…

---typical middle class…lower or middle-middle

---had no prior boy-friends

---she never called him …[…She asked him for his number, he refused. Obviously his parents would never like it. She said shed be careful. He said he wasn’t comfortable…] is not very convincing…nor is rendezvous communication through his friend […His friend had told her he’d come over…]

---so we have one month of talking over the phone and one month of kissing when they meet ( and somewhere in between he moved out as well)…

---this is not quite believable specially when you tell us what happened later […He had to shut her up. With the same knife he slashed her arms. Once, twice, thrice…]…and then […Bandaged herself and wore her long sleeved shirt. It was late in the evening, she went to bed…] my problem is this…as a writer you would have to tone down the slashing ….or add some explanation for the parents…if the slashing were repeated…they could not be glossed over in the space of one evening…

---and this is all too indicative …[…She tried to find solace in food, it never worked. She switched to nicotine…] of the dilemmas faced by the ‘under class’ …and here I am using it judiciously…it is not only women and children but the poor and the near-poor…all of them suffer in silence at the hands of the ‘privileged’ few…

---if she could get out of the country ...as you indicated...then she should have gotten out to seek therapy...i cannot ever imagine the trauma a rape victim suffers... but having said that...the worst nightmares and traumas can be treated and controlled...food and nicotine...or a step beyond...soft and hard drugs are or were never the solution...and if she continues her highwire act she is bound to falter...

rape is not only a serious violation…of a persons body…but in our third world societies with overwhelming male domination its impact and scars last longer...she should get serious help soon...

digression:

…felt this glossed over an equally serious subject…or perhaps even a far more serious subject of counseling and therapy…not only for rape victims...but also for marriage counselling, child-wife abuse…friends who are there tell me the quality of treatment is sub-par…and availability and access limited to those in the upper strata of society…for the majority it is non-existent…

rgds,

t

ps: hope to read you again

From article:

[It is worth mentioning that the article is a true story. I hope the readers enjoy reading this.]

One cannot enjoy such articles. OTOH one wants to mourn such Death.

I am not sure I can whole heartedly agree with Tidbit and tainted. In Chowk archives I have come across an article titled ``Murder Most Foul``. The story there was a marriage which did not work. Divorce was in pipeline and certain to come through, and the girl was planning on marrying another person. When she left home and accompanied future husband to go to a women`s help group she was killed. Murdered by parents! It all depends on parents. I think so heroine of our story should be allowed to make a judgement of her own and decide whether to tell parents. With parents it could be very therapeutic if one can talk about such traumas.

One thing she should do is to stop wallowing in her grief. After all she is now successful and world belongs to her. She should definitely consider marrying.

Farah,

It is a fairly good piece. And it is good that you decided against making it anything other than what your friend narrated to you. However, I can not decide if Emm`s present position- Her silence has divided her into two people, the good beti at home and the good person she is outside home. She masterminds them both. She knows she’s neither. She killed herself a long time back, never to be resurrected-should be considered a consequence of weakness to defend self or an act of bravery? The weakness I am referring to does not lie in the fact that she concealed all, but in that when she did realise that seemigly the boy met only when he wanted to kiss her, couldn`t she say to herself that ``no, let`s stop and find out the meaning of this relationship, it seems dubious``? Just speculation. Always easier said than done, I know. But if you feel your friend can answer that question, do ask her that. Don`t get back to me on this if she says something on the lines of `it was that young naive age` because that`s what I am presuming for the time being.

Thanks
Syd

tidbit, i agree with you about the idea that she should have come clean to her parents. But thats so easy for us to say, who live relatively sheltered lives, where rape, incest and molestation is a fear, not a reality that looms.

Dear Farah,

I like this piece, but I do have a question regarding the escalation of the physical closeness between the two characters. Its hard for me to understand, that a guy only kissed her on all their rendez-vous and never tried to take a bolder step. Men tend to move fairly rapid between the first kiss and the exploration of the female anatomy. This is just natural for them. I have to be a little critical for the rythem of the events. Its like a long flat line, followed by a sharp increase and then it plunges. It feels a bit unnatural. I would love for you to clarify it?

Thanks

powerful stuff farah....i think what i liked most about this piece was that u told it like it was..simple and devoid of any pretense...that`s wat makes a good writer...and a writing worth reading....

the fact that its a true story is incredibly incredibly terrifying...though i must say that after a thorough read, your friend seems like an intelligent, educated person. for one thing she harbored no illusions about her relationship...at least i dont think she did...and i know that talking about rape/molestation is a painful and scandalous topic to say the least...but i think she should have come clean with her parents...but then i suppose that`s easy for me to say...

maybe its not too late for her to seek help...to overcome the profound loss and violation that she still feels...

keep writing...

samina

dis is amAzin sTuff....n da thought dat its a true story mAkes me shudder....but den it is a reflection of our sociEty....a bitter truth!!!

I agree with the interactor who observed that this was a good counterpart to `Parveen`. This was generally well done. The distant, case study tone is effective in drawing the reader in through its detached-ness. Given the main character`s ambivalent emotions and the protagonist`s violence at the end, it would have been easily overmuch to dramatize and romanticize this case- and unfortunately, I suspect there will be those idiots who will think that the main character ``deserved`` the assault. The tone that the writer uses immediately nullifies that kind of romanticization.
Fara,
I hope to read more from you. This is strong work. I also like how the main character is developed thruout the text. We`ve finally gotten a many dimensioned female fictive character at Chowk!

Farah Mushtaq,

thank you for sending this writing to CHOWK.

As a male of the species, sometimes I am not proud.

As a father of three daughters, I`m downright angry after reading this.

But I am also glad that CHOWK is serving its unique purpose here.


Ras

Thankyou for your reviews on the article. However, i thought id offer an explaination for a few of your concerns.

the article reading like a newspaper cliping:- emm the girl being discussed in this article is a very dear friend of mine. when she was narrating her story to me, it was void of any emotions or frivolities of literature. and i personally thought that was the best of reflecting on what she`s going through. Use of words, in my opinion, would have distracted the reader from a hard core reality and the way it happened.

As for possibilities of recuperation for rape victims, you are right `tainted`, there definitely are concepts of therapy. But that is sadly JUST what they are in our society. She HAS come out to be a strong individual in her own right, conserving as much of herself that she could. I was very much of the same view as urself and `SaraJ` but after listening to her i thought otherwise...

wow.After a long time i have read something original and insightful.but i agree with saraj as well. there are so many concepts like therapy for rape victimz. Why ostracize them? Or why not show them as stronger human beings rather than defeated ones who live parallel lives?

Farah-
Great/Horrific topic to write about. I commend your efforts to pick such a subject but is it necessary that her life has to be over? Why say that she killed herself a long time ago?? As brutal as rape is, can there be no solace found for the victims? Can they not go further in their lives to achieve a version of normalacy?? I know that as taboo as rape is in every culture, it`s probably a hundred times harder for our culture but I would like to think that our world is capable of nurturing and healing victims of rape. Probably over-optimistic but a possibility nonetheless right?

sara

Farah,

A good rejoinder to Mohammed Amjed`s ``Parveen``. Timely too - don`t know if your timing was a coincidence. I read both stories with interest.

It is important that the woman`s perspective is also understood. I don`t know if you realized it when you wrote it, but your sentence ``That was when probably he realized she was of no use to him anymore`` speaks volumes. It was all about ``using``. It usually is. Afterall, women are from Venus, while ... Obviously, never the twain shall meet. Alas.

Best wishes,
E

Farah Ji,

This piece reads like a newspaper report. The affect is dull and the matter-of-fact style fails to grab the reader. Where is the literary value in this news clipping?

The ending was a bit abrupt but otherwise a good read.