For Better or Worse

``Compromise is the key to a successful marriage but what happens when neither party is willing to do that?``

Get a divorce?

Umer M.

#9 by ana_dobarah on June 8, 2003 1:54pm PT

I hope that given your experiences you also see the importance of stronger marriages(by that i dont mean suppression) where there is first the recognition of the value of family to all involved this includes the children and socitey and not just the two individuals.

I have noticed that western journalists often start ranting about the progress made by socites towards modern values by taking in to account of one or two stories of young women who do not want to marry but pursue work. I have nothing against working women there are many in my family but this badmouthing of women who dont work is just plain rubbish.
I know many women colleagues who now in their mid careeer want to go back to home so that children (I have noticed that most of the couples have very serious problems with their children)get the right attention.

It seems that many people are discovering that raising a family is more than earning money and providing the comforts needed. there is no replacement for parental time and guidance in bringing up children.

#7 by Studebaker on June 8, 2003 10:56am PT


incedently the argument for colonialism (much before any western colony was established )was releated to climate and how it influenced people.

this argument is still accpeted by the ideologes of the west albeit in very slightly different manner.

ie we are not destined to be better than the west in any case.

Dear Writer,

You are going way too deep in an institution which is losing value in itself. This whole compromise nonsense is very much a traditional rubbish promoted in the East to keep people together. People should stay with each other ONLY for they can connect to each other. If they cannot then they better not waste their time and life and get out of such unions. The fact that you are treating women as some special beings in the picture and are not considering them equivalent to their male counterparts is the biggest flaw in your article. And, probably in your approach as well. The very beginning of your article is indicative of male insecurity. And, this is a typical approach of male chauvinistic and deranged societies.

Note: My comments are targetted towards the approach taken in this article and not towards the writer`s persona. Just wanted to clarify, since men can be very sensitive at times and women tend to ignore that. Being a sensitive person, I do not want to ignore the writer`s feelings.

The rest of the article is full of archaic views and seems to be addressing the issues from 1930s - 1940s vs. 2003.

Probably, the writer needs to wake up and smell the fresh and fruity scent of Hannae Mori in Year 2003.

Happy Writing.

#3 by DRUMZ on June 8, 2003 8:09am PT

...And the only reason why the divorce rate in desiland is not at 90% is because a desi would rather live in a bad marriage then have people think s/he is in a bad marriage.


lets us make this argument the only reason that you can accept a check in west and expect it to be cashed is because the implementaiton of laws is strict..

..Social pressure is a good thing. When the west talks of rights of women etc it forgets the rights of children? dont children have the right to grow up with their parents and families intact?

Lets face it there will be no social rule which will be sacrocant untill it is backed with some kind of pressure. other wise there will be the sexual anarchy as in the west. which results in break down of the family.

If the institution of family has to survive then the vaules relating to sexual behaviour, understanding and respect between spouses, sociteal pressure etc have to be applied.

Remember that for all the bad blame family (as you claim that 90% of the marriages would end up in divorce) preforms a very vital role in socitey.

The family(in which the wife stays at home and possibly with more members of the family like grandparents, uncles, aunts etc) is where the baby sitter is found, the family is where the traditons of story telling etc flourish (no harry pottter needed here) the family is where extra help is available for the wife, the family is where the place where all members find company (no need to go to bars for company). the family is where food is manufacutured(no need to depend on other women to serve you in resturants, or to can tomattoes in the factory), the family is where the therapist is available(in form of elders or peers who provide comfort in times of stress), the family is where the adolocent can went his anger out to comforting ears of non-parents(no need to do drugs here), the family is where the nurse is there when one falls ill, the family is where the suppurt group is (for those stressed out with taking care of aling parents), the family is the retirement home of the old(despite the claims of wanting independence in media all the old people I have met in the west want company the most). Family is the gergratic care of the old. The family is where you can get pass your time (no need to watch endless hours of TV to kill time)

The family is a lot of things if you care to realise it. sure some people have problems with it. Sure we have had terrible suppression within it earlier. and surely todays socitey doesnot value the role the family plays in socitey. If people in the west are able to divorce to get away from their spouses it does not mean that they are getting what they want when they remarry (since they usally marry again)In the wake of all this they leave broken families and maladusted kids who have very little stake in socitey. the west was never this way though it was different from the east, this is a recent phenomena the price of which the present Rich socitey is able to pay becuase of its wealth. However the actual costs will come in future when a couple of such generations come.

Love is about making compromises, it is about forgiveness...it means having to say you`re sorry over and over again, don`t believe that `Love Story` crap.

I know of a woman who did have to ask her husband for money on a constant basis, a woman who was told before they got married that she had to quit her job, which she was successful at, otherwise there would be no marriage. and she did, because she loved this man and was willing to compromise. i think she compromised too much on this score, but she has no regrets about having not worked, and raised her four children. And SHE raised them. He can talk about having worked all day long to bring home the food they eat, and to maintain the roof over their heads, but he lost out on getting to know his children and being a part of their lives. Her marriage was never the best of marriages, but she chose not to get out of it because he held the threat of taking away her children over her, and her children have always been the most important people in her life. They still are.
and this was no arranged marriage....it was a so-called love marriage.

DRUMZy...there are other reasons besides `...because a desi would rather live in a bad marriage than have people think s/he is in a bad marriage.` Yes, sharam (shame) has always been a factor, and so has preserving the all-important khandaani naam that have kept bad marriages alive, but i know women who have stayed in bad marriages out of fear for themselves, out of fear for losing their children, because believe me, in a country where women can be made out to be the guilty party in the case of rape, they can most certainly be made out to be unfit mothers when it comes to having any custody of their children.

i don`t disagree with the fact that there is a need for a better family life, BUT, I, myself come from a broken home that was broken long before my parents were divorced, and i feel that our childhood and transition into adulthood would have been just a tad bit healthier had the divorce happened back when we were children. If love, and respect and a certain amount of compromise are not there to begin with, be it an arranged marriage engineered by strangers, or a love marriage. . .the struggles of married life are bound to be even tougher.

In your words : ``Compromise is the key to success in a married life.`` You have summed up everything true and relevant. Great Article! Well done :)

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#2jinab,that is not true,unlike a man.
scenorio lies with men.by gone are the days when man was the only bread winner.inthis time of the financial burden,only man cannot provide a good life.the very few people who offered every thing in golden plate,their motive behind is also subjugate the wife.it``s high time for men to accept equality for both .take off his mask of ego no doubt compromise is the key to sucess but for both.marriage is a serious commitment and a moral responsibality.so save yourself of fustration and conflict in future,changing your self should be a mutual deceision.

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Like I said, almost EVERYTHING a desi believes about love is wrong.

Its funny if you look at our artistic culture... What aspect of life is idealized the most? Name one half successful NDN movie that didnt idealize the concept of love... as opposed to western movies which are after power/respect. What does that say for our longing to correct our most backward institution.

Again, love is the most beautiful aspect of life, yet our backward culture represses it. This repression is evident in nasahs points where men and women are not even able to socialize freely, thus the only way for them to get married is through the help of their relatives. And what do these idiots look for in a mate? Look at white mariatal ads ``im looking for someone funny, someone i can relax with..`` Then look at desi ones ``5`5 brown eyes 123-124lbs college degree.``

We should all be ashamed. We`re the offspring of Ram and Sita and we`re THIS fukkin backwardz, amazing. Parents need to honestly wake the hell up.

And the only reason why the divorce rate in desiland is not at 90% is because a desi would rather live in a bad marriage then have people think s/he is in a bad marriage.

Two golden Rules for a successful marriage:

1. Never try to win an arguement with your wife.

2. Just do what she says.

````As divorce rates rise and people become more receptive to this disturbing trend, it provokes one to think as to what are the advantages and disadvantages of women’s growing awareness in this society.````

so what else is new --

why shouldn`t the divorce rates rise sky high -- in the unnaturally arranged marriages and conjugalites -- forcing total strangers to go to bed with the very first night --

that is -- forcing total strangers mostly upon diffident subcontinental women -- in the name of trashy `tradition` and crummy `culture` -- (if I may be excused for excessive politeness)

looks pretty uncultured to the entire world the way the dumb subcontinentals forced their daughters, sisters to go away -- disappear with a total stranger..

OR if not with an unfamiliar stranger then with very famiiar first cousin...

``of women`s growing awareness in this society`` -- hello -- wake up -- and smell the detesteronated coffee --

this is 2003 -- -- not 1003 --

there are no ``disadvantges`` of ``growing awareness``-- only advantages -- of MEN growing up -- for a change.

the Testeronated subcontinental MEN -- must learn to treat Estrogenated subcontinental Naris and Khatoons -- as Equal Partners -- as it is being done belatedly in the West -- ``in health and in disease -- ``in advesrsity and in prosperity`` -- Half n Half --

NOT -- that old subcontinental maxim -- what is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine.

if they want to avoid another looming Mahabharata -- f NOT then they should just head for the mountains -- before the final battle...