The Blackboards

ajeet:

is dafah maaf kardijiyay...lost that train of thought...

...t

Thanks every body for taking the time to read my story and liking it.

Dost Mittar ji,

Thanks for you appreciation. Economic constraints kept the families together. Once they were not there the desire to be indendent come to fore. However this independence comes at a price. The family support both material and pscychological is lost. Hence more trips to the psychologist.

Temporal,

The short reply wont do. Please take the time and write the long reply again.

Jagmohan,

Thank you for sharing the dilemma of the middle ones through an engaging and sweet
article. Good One!

ajeet:

i posted a long reply...chalk it to the vagaries of pc...i lost it and had not saved it...khair...i enjoy your yarns...your words are kodak-moments of a fast disappearing era...keep them coming...in another era you would do qissa khwani bazaar proud...

rgds,

t

Jagmohan,

The story is good. I presume it is autobiographical. You could be a Punjabi version of R. K. Narayan. You should write more such stories either autobiographical or pure fiction.

ajeet:
You have a veritable treasure of gems in your chest; all they need is a little polish. Enjoyed your story. I think panjabis of the old era really believed in the biblical ethos of ``I am my brother`s keeper`` more than the true believers did. And this closeness was not limited to the agricultural families only; as your story indicates, the cooperation continued even after the family branched into other occupation. The joint family system started breaking down with the education of women who prized their independence and found the constraints of the extended family too much to bear. Occupational and geographic mobility added to the break-up. Lately, however, in large cities, a modified version of extended family which I call `same-roof-different-kitchens` is staging a come-back in large cities where accomodation discourages the newly wedded couples to breakaway.
Apropos the title, there is another saying in panjabi which says that no one should be the `nikka puttar`, youngest son, or `vada jawaayee`, the oldest son-in-law. When it is time for running errands, the orders are passed down from the eldest down the line until the buck stops at the youngest son.

dullabhatti,

You are right. The joint families are no longer the norm. When the family farm or business was the source of the major income the families stayed together. Now young couple prefer to set up their own households at the earliest opportunity.

Yes my younger chacha also entered the same business, but only after the partition. As a matter of fact two of my maternal uncles as well as four cousins were helped by my dad to set up outlets for his products, in various parts of the country. They and their sons are doing well as independent business men now.

Ajeet veeray, I read the story couple of days ago and really enjoyed it. Very nice of Attar Singh ji..indeed a very thoughtful brother. I am wondering though was the little one(third one) was included in the name? Did he ever become partner in the business? I know until last generation all brothers worked to contribute into the saanjha ghar or business ....it was much later in their old days when brothers` had their won kids grown up that they divided things and set up separate homes. Even my own family my chacha and my father contributed to the household un-equally untill they were in their 50`s when they divided all the properties equally among them...my mother would still say sometimes...saari ummer kamai karke saanjhay ghar wich paa diti...saaday naal dian shehraN wich koThian bana laiyean te asin awein zameen pichhay laggay rahe... I think it was part of our culture of joint families...and lives on to some extent in us even today....I always keep account of what some relative borrow from me and when he returns but I never do that with my brother..neither does he....our women find it strange and agree with my mother`s words on this issue.:-).

Hi guys,

Is anybody reading the entire story, or just the Begining? Please get beyond the prelude and critique the rest too.

First, tell me that where should I place myself? Older/middle/Younger? My number is 2nd but there are 9 more, after me. :) khair, ``oops, a cricket team without 12th player!!!!`` or ``why so many!!!`` is a separate topic. Here, I would like to share my personal experiences only. I guess, I have better relations with my Parents, especially ABBU than my elder bro or even the ones after me (excluding the youngest sister). Several reasons come in my mind.

1) Since I was better in studies and still ``am`` better coz ABBU has never asked about univ. exam results. ;) wonder why?

2) I have been living in hostels since 7th class, far away from home and use to visit my parents on ocasions like summer n winter vacations, Eids etc, only. So I get lil extra attention than the ones already at home.
......
Let me clear that I never found my parents, treating favorably or unfavorably any of us. I am also not sure about the existence of the thing called ``The Middle Child Syndrome`` but I think that to be dearer to parents depends upon the qualities in that specific child. I think ``DO RESPECT TO GET RESPECT`` applies here too.

Anyway, Heres an article ``Stuck in the middle`` by ZARA MAQBOOL, published in the DAWN`s REVIEW on 24 October 2002. I think, you may want to read.




~~~ Do middle children have it as bad as they`d like us to think? Is there any truth behind the middle child syndrome? Zara Maqbool reports.

Many parents are unaware of the existence of extensive research on how the order of their child`s birth can play a significant role in their personality as well as how they are treated by their parents and siblings influencing their perception of the world. Many parents are most probably unaware of the existence of the ``Middle Child Syndrome.`` This syndrome, according to psychologists,generates from a belief that middleborns are different from other birth positions, with different experiences and behaviors.

One researcher, for example, has suggested that middle-borns may have lower self-esteem since they are not ``unique`` like the firstborn and the youngest children. Several other researchers have suggested that middle-borns may be more likely to report that ``life is unfair`` since their oldest sibling may have ``all the rights`` and the youngest ``all the privileges``. However, researchers also report that middle-born children sometimes become experts at mediating and compromising; that is, they become skilled at playing the ``peacemaker```s role. The question that arises is, ``Is there such a thing called ``The Middle Child Syndrome``? A closer look at some middle children may help us answer that question.

Omar Ahmad a 12-year-old middle child says, ``I enjoyed being the middle sibling. I wasn`t the oldest, so I didn`t have to live up to any expectations. I wasn`t the youngest, so I wasn`t bullied as much. I think I had the best of both worlds.``

However, Rabia Zahid another middle-born teenager, has a different story to tell. ``My older sister gets all the attention because not only is she older, but she is also more beautiful. My brother gets a lot of attention because he is the heir apparent to my father`s business. I resent my parents for putting me in such a situation where I don`t count in the family and where I am just taken for granted!``

Parents might feel that their middle children share the advantages of both the older and younger siblings but they have a different story to tell. They feel that they are neither here nor there. In their view, the roles of the older and the younger siblings are more clearly defined. They may also feel cheated of the parental attention that is given to the first-born achiever and the dependent youngest child. Basically most middle children suffer from ``identity confusion.`` They feel like `I`m not the oldest, I`m not the youngest ... who am I?`

Aima, now an adult middle-born says that, ``I was part of a family but I never quite knew my place and I still don`t. I am a 32-year-old doctor and I still feel like that little child who is trying to steal some emotion, or get some validation from my mother.``

There is no doubt that being a middle child has its advantages but most middle children feel that the downside out weighs the upside.

Zunaira Butt a 24-year-old lawyer says, ``A lot was expected from me so I think I have matured in many ways. I am also more responsible and the pressure that had been on me has helped me to do better in life.`` She also believes that ``all middle children share similar qualities. All are introverts, sensitive, crave attention but are more caring, serious natured and better achievers in life.``

Basically as with the firstborn, the younger child feels displaced when another sibling is born and he becomes the middle child. He feels sad and angry about all the attention the youngest one gets. As he`s not the oldest or the youngest, he may wonder if he`s special. The middle child is racing to catch up with his older sibling and is also desperate to stay ahead of the younger one who is breathing down his neck. As a younger sibling, the child feels inadequate in relation to his older sibling because he can do more and he lets him know it. He feels competitive with his younger sibling, who is busy watching him so he can eventually do whatever he does.

Ali, another young middle-born hates his position. ``I am always pressured to do as well as my older brother and have to be the mature one who has to take care of my younger brother. What about me? I am of no importance to my family!``

Sameer a high achiever on the other hand says that , ``I feel as though being the middle child has forced me to do everything better than my siblings. It can be school, sports or popularity. I am always trying to outdo my siblings. Maybe I am subconsciously trying to get people, especially my parents to notice me. The only pitfall in this, is that parents start to expect only the best from me, and just the average from my brother and sister, which just makes them appear unfair guilty of favoritism.``

Dr Saiqa Khan, a clinical psychologist at Aga Khan University Hospital, says that birth order ``undoubtedly plays a significant role in a child`s personality`` but gender discrimination is a bigger issue in Pakistani culture. She concedes to the fact that middle children sometimes suffer psychologically because a middle child`s ``role in the family is not defined.`` The firstborn becomes the spokesperson and someone with whom everything is discussed and the youngest child becomes the baby of the family who, she feels, provides the ``humor in the family.`` The middle child is defined no role and thus suffers ``from a lack of belonging.``Also he has to play a double role; by respecting the elder one while being mature and responsible for the younger one.

Dr Khan agrees that with middle children ``expectations are greater and the margin for committing mistakes very narrow.```This is because with the first child the parents are learning to become parents and with the youngest, they are more relaxed and take things easy. ``It`s the middle one with whom parents are more vocal and strict about their demands and thus the middle child experiences greater pressure.`` Yet because of this she believes, ``most middle child end up doing great in life.``

When asked what role parents should play in all this, she says that ``spacing between each child is very important.`` She believes that there should be enough ``age difference between children so that parents have the necessary time to bond with each child.``As for the belief that middle children suffer more emotional turmoil and psychological disorders, she tends to disagree. According to new research, she says that the ``first born children are the one who suffer most from mental disorders as well as physical ones.``

Many parents are surprised that such a ``middle child syndrome`` even exists. Kanwal is a parent of three children: a 17-year-old son, a 15-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old daughter. She says that her middle daughter is always fighting with her siblings and has a very bad temper and an unpleasant disposition. ``I really do not know what to do as she is constantly disrupting the entire family. I feel that we have always been fair with her and treated her as a individual. Nothing seems to help.``

Gulshan another worried mother says, ``I have a middle child who is nine years old and is beginning to have problems in school - not turning in homework, not bringing home notes from the teacher. Her grades are starting to drop, she is beginning to fight with her older sister and talk rough with her younger brother. She has never been this way before, she was always a loving, giving child who was loved by all. I cannot attribute her change to anything in the home.``

What parents tend to forget is that the oldest and the youngest children can usually find reasons to be glad about their place in the family. But it is not so with the middle children. They often aren`t the biggest and strongest;they aren`t the babies who get away with murder; they aren`t really anything special, at least in their own minds. Sometimes they feel invisible.

The fact is that the sense of being less understood makes some middle children feel unloved. From the parents` point of view, the fact that there are a thousand baby pictures of the first child and only a few dozen of the second-born simply means that they got tired of getting rolls and rolls of film developed. But from the middle child`s vantage point, it is proof of their second-class status. In terms of sibling rivalry, the first-born may be struggling to maintain her position on top, but the middle children seemingly struggle just to be noticed at all.

But many parents agree that middle children are always the easiest to handle. This is because middle children often learn non-aggressive strategies to get what they want, such as negotiation, cooperation, or seeking parental intervention. As the underdogs themselves in many sibling conflicts, middle children often develop a fine sense of empathy with the downtrodden, as do many youngest children. Where first and last children may tend to be self-centered, middle children often take a genuine interest in getting to know other people. Being in the middle, they may find it easier to look at interpersonal situations from various points of view.

It`s easy for parents to get carried away with the first child and dote on the last, but middle children deserve their fair share of attention, too. If parents fuss over the oldest because of her great grades and the youngest because she is so adorable, what does your middle one gets noticed for? Parents need to take the time to understand their middle child. What is it that he does best and makes him unique within your family? Offer him genuine praise based on his good qualities. Also respect your middle child`s need to be different. Don`t insist on measuring him by the same yardstick that you use with your firstborn. Let him know that it`s okay for him to seek his own path. Make special time for your middle child, particularly if he doesn`t seem to need it. Middle children are often quiet about their needs; they may be more likely to withdraw than to make a fuss, even more reason to create a special place for your middle child. What is important is that parents should encourage their identity. Tell them, `You are very special to us because you are our middle child and we love you.`

By keeping birth order issues in mind, parents can build a family that draws strength and pleasure from one another. The important thing is to give each child the special attention he deserves and acknowledge each child`s viewpoint in the family`s discussions. Parents should always keep in mind that every child wants to know that he is needed and is important and this is the feeling of need that affirms his faith in the love his parents and family has for him and helps him to blossom in life. ~~~

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excellent rendition. the situation matches my home entirely. im the older can-do-no-wrong sister. guess i should ease up on my younger sibling. :D

I think I should open a book shop......and also sell black-boards!!!

VERY AMAZING!AND REAL TOO.BY CHANCE I AM ALSO THE MIDDLE ONE.EVERY TIME I HAVE TO LISTEN,MOM SAYS FOR THE ELDEST ONE``RESPECT HIM IS ELDER TO U AND FOR THE YOUNGEST`EXCUSE HIM```YOU ARE ELDER TO HIM.SO THE CYCLE GOES ON,SO MUCH SO I USED TO THINK,MOM IS MY STEP MOTHER.wHY SHE LOVES THEM SO MUCH.
BUT CHECKS FOR BOTH THE SIDES MADE ME A TOLERANTE PERSON.