Of Early Marriages

I totally agree. But then there are also those families where girls are trained for marriage at early ages, and the only thing thats drilled into their heads is marriage. Education`s given secondary importance, doing Inter is considered more than enough (Too much knowledge corrupts the mind you see). Some of these girls have no will to study further, coz their whole lifestyle is developed around the idea of marriage. To people who believe otherwise it seems wrong and a modern form of torture, but to girls who have only seen their sisters and cousins getting engaged and married at early ages, it seems the only way of life.

dear unknown writer:

early marriage is one thing...early parenthood another!

...t

Everyone must get a chance to live a life of their own, for some time. Such a life where they can explore their own identity. For the rest of the life has to be spent in some sort of shackle or the other.

wow talk about a fusty piece .. times have changed .. i guess it reflects your priorities as an induvidual .. the blame on parents or the couples is totally uncalled for ..then again circumstances have a day of their own .. and you sure didnt help her .

I guess that like everything else, people need to strike a balance in the case of the right age to get married. Just as too youn is not a good age, get married at too late an age may have its own issues.

[But for all those parents who airily inform their daughters that they can always continue with the studies after they get married, an eye-opener: For girls, marriage brings solid responsibility. This often not just includes being a companion to her husband in thick and thin and caring for their home, but also of the entire family she`s marrying into. Not negating in anyway the wonders of married life; it`s very presumptuous and almost cruel to expect a girl to juggle yet another task before all these.]
somebody tell my parents this. :p

[Everyone must get a chance to live a life of their own, for some time. Such a life where they can explore their own identity. For the rest of the life has to be spent in some sort of shackle or the other. ]
i agree whole heartedly. cant imagine anyone wanting to give up all forms of freedoms/enjoyments to be `shackled` to a nagging wife and worrying about getting home on time and money matters etc. etc. (this is from a guy`s perspective).

temporal:
for females...such as the type tainted mentioned...early marriages are synonymous wid parenthood. u dig?

Each case is different. Above 18 should be OK.

Few examples necessitating an earky marriage:

Father/mother very sick - about to conk off.
A good rishta.
Girl has fallen in love.
Girl is falling in bad company.
Girl is becomin a nuisance at home - having those fits of puberty confusion.
And as Tehmed32 pointed out, not interested in any more studies.

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Good article, Madiha. Yes, it`s often disappointing to a see promising young women trundled away into marriage before her education is complete. I think a lot of this has to do with seeing girls as a liability in our society. It`s jahaalat all over again.

can one ever really be ready for marraige? i think not. thats just the nature of the beast. also, there are a lot of women/girls who do continue with their education after marriage. of course, they`re the lucky ones who manage to find relatively enlightened men.

i think the strongest bit of this article was the beginning, when the writer explored her feelings about her friend as a mother. one hopes she will benefit from her own insights and use them to explore her own thought process further rather than go off into generalizations. thoough generalizations can be a whole lot of fun, thats one thing marriage doesn`t change.

shandana

good article. i don`t know what life would`ve been like if i had been married at such a young age as your friend...i don`t know how different i would`ve been, but i do know i would`ve regretted not experiencing having a career,making my own money, going to college, to university, having fun with girlfriends, having my heart broken and then repaired...ALL ON MY OWN. The lessons I learnt from these experiences have made me the person I am today, and I wouldn`t want to change that for anything or anyone. I think it`s essential for every man and woman to experience youth because it goes away too soon. Madiha, you`re right; a lot of well-to-do so called progressive families marry their daughters off early when they should be providing them with education and with the skills to deal with life on their own. But i also think this is a mindset our girls are drilled with; they think their only destiny is marriage. I`m not anti-marriage, I think it can be a beautiful bond if the time and person is right, but I don`t believe it is the be all and the end all of life. It shudn`t be rushed into and it certainly should not be a woman`s only identity. Unfortunately, a lot of Pakistani women only go to college to pass time because they`re waiting to get married...I`m not putting anyone down; a lot of girls are not even given the choice to decide who they want to marry, let alone when. But I do blame the parents and I blame the society on the whole. And most of all, I blame the women who let this mindset exist and who perpetuate it, particularly the aunties and nanis and khalas etc etc who think a girl is only ``marriagable`` if 18, and God help her if she actually gets an education and that, too, outside of Pakistan...shudder..what a first class liability she would be! She will have opinions of her own..gasp..she will talk back..she will want to work and ..gulp..worst of all, she will not discuss with the inlaws when she wants to have babies...anyway, good article, i think it touches on a v important topic of our days.

{can one ever really be ready for marraige? }

...for some people, marriage provides an identity and purpose in life...

I think Slink is correct here..

``can one ever really be ready for marraige? ``

In this article, the bigger impediment to this girl`s educational and professional progression seems to be the kid rather than marriage itself.

parenthood is part of the package for pakistani females
two years of marriage, no kids, oh my God there`s something terribly wrong with her!get her out of here- common attitude
this girl i know was kicked out of susraaal because her parents were marrying her sister off to the husband`s step brother, they didnt like that.told her to get the wedding off and then come back
you see, it`s not just the kids, kids are probably the Good part for most. it`s the dawn of responsibility of people OTHER than yourself thats the problem, and trust me, husbands can be a shit load more than babies to handle responsibility of sometimes. not a lot of females, pakistani females, have the energy left to continue with their progression. reality check, look around you, the middle class, the lower class, the middle class.

A very important issue raised up in this article! I can`t agree more on this point with Madiha. Marriage is an important component of the culture, resulting into families which are the basic building blocks of societies. These days it is an essence that both the partners take equal part in the decision making process for the family. If the wife lacks sound education and insight into life-matters, how can she contribute to the process? Everybody should have a right to decide his/her own life.. when he/she had enough of free and independent life and when he/she is ready for the responsibilities of married life. But one should not delay that too, as to distort this basic block of society. Bravo Madiha!! for such a good article.

I think marriage is not the only option to deal with the hormones associated with adulthood. Unfortunately, in our society it is prefered and hevenly sanctioned alternate to having loving/ caring relationship with opposite sex. While I also oppose early age marriages particularly in urban or modern surroundings, I support loving friendship at that age over no relationship until marriage. The simple human emotions with least harm to self and society should not be suppressed so heavy-handedly, particularly for women. The suppression has more psychological problems associated with it.

The first thing Pakistanis ought to do before throwing young couple into the complexities of marriage is making sure that the guy and gal sit with a sane adult and a gynaecologist who educates both of them on the nuances of marriage. And, no 20 year old in her sane mind should think of having babies. She should certainly educate herself on contraception solutions available by discussing them with her doctor. She should communicate very clearly to her husband to be on her desire not to have a baby till she is comfortable in the relationship.

This reminds me of my sister`s childhood best friend of age 19-20 married to a 37 year old physician in the US whose disgustingly sicko mother whispered very sternly in her daughter in-law`s ears at the airport that she should not think of having any contraceptions. I am not sure that woman would have suggested the same to her own daughters. All her daughters are highly educated, mostly practising physicians; but her attitude towards her own daughter-in-law since she happened to be very young at the time of marriage and very good looking as well was quite disgraceful. It`s just like telling a maid servant that be available when you are approached. Mainly, since her son was turning 40 and would not be able to enjoy kids. The girl had the chance to talk to him and both of them liked each other but in any decent relationship such matters should be discussed between the husband and wife vs. a mother in law monitoring the couple`s personal life. This was such a shock to me that I still cannot believe it. Ironically, the whole social fabric of Pakistani Society is extremely messed up but the traditionalists like to hide that under the garb of promoting family values. If interfering in a person`s private life is family values then such values require revision and not promotion.

I commend these young women who go through such agonizing treatment and tolerate the nonsense. But that`s where it is on young women to have an identity of their own and not wear their husbands` label on their foreheads.

No doubt Gibraan spells out beautiful concepts on marriage and elaborates on having space in marriage. For some that is all idealistic and not doable; whereas for others there is no other way.

Irony is that in certain families (regardless of their social status) the concept of having a female child is that she is going to be able to procreate and keep the family chain alive. It`s not that she will have her own identity.

Personally, I detest and despice such traditional nonsense and anyone who practices and promotes the rubbish. But then all of us are not fortunate enough to lead the life we want to. Still as a unique human being we ought to strive for that in order to live and die in peace.

What`s the sense of that life that is subservient to the needs of others only and does not realize its true value?

I think it is the state and the soceity that should be blamed rather then the parents or their thinking...women are so insecure in our own country that they are still treated as a `volatile` commodity even today...so in that case, they become a sort of burden the day they are born. Hence, tying the knot and sharing their `burden` of responsibilty within two fmailies, to look after the security and caring is what I think is most approprate decision parents can take and as for education and so called ``degrees``, women had been learning stuff when they were kept in secured fortresses and castles and (had best utilised their knowledge) were far better then what we are proud of today`s world.

As for getting degrees and other paper qualifications, (for which we proudly boost so much), so many open Universites, evening colleges and academies are offering courses and flexible classes and it is a little bit of compromise that needs to be made for such a challenge.

I remember a conversation I had with a white american woman in her 40`s. She gave rationale for early pregnancies of american girls (usually while still not married and going to high school): that they can make children and give them to grandparents and get on with their lives. In her opinion it was better than pregnancies later in life interrupting their career.

I think so early mariiages of Indian/Paki girls is okay provided number of children are kept in check. Probably our culture is waiting for a revolution. Only if girls` attitude to career and education changes then only can we can expect some change. Western type sexual revolution is unlikely to take place in our society.

By the way, the expression ``Early Marriage`` is very subjective.

One should just enjoy life. You do not need to be married in order to enjoy your life.
Those who live their lives in this fallacy have reported pretty disappointing results. Marriage is only a phase of life and not everything in life. Just another perspective.

Great article Madeeha..... and the fact that disgruntled mothers aren`t going to be very good mothers anyway... give them a choice.. tell them wha theyre getting into.. its their life

``A friend of mine nearly got divorced after tiffs with her in-laws that her husband was simply incapable of solving; she was 19, the hubby was 34. Just look at this age difference. It`s ridiculous! What are parents thinking?``

Again, EVERY SINGLE IDEA a desi parent has about love is WRONG.

Its these brainless IDIOTS that are holding up this BACKWARD azz culture. And ofcourse the man would be 15 years older then the bride, because these backwards fukks have been brainwashed to think that men and women cant even socialize.

Desi culture, when it comes to love is by FAR the most repressed and BACKWARDS in the whole world. Find me one culture more backwards, other then possibly the Arabs.

...there should be an imposed limit of one-child per couple in south asia...there is a serious need to stop the zoo-like breeding going on there....and anyone caught practicing gender selection should be electrocuted....

...anyway, back to reality....

#3syd
``every one must get a chance to live a life of their own``more difficult of all problem espically in our islamic society.women rarely get this chance.men are usually more honest in saying what they feel,without any pretension,without any sense of guilt.but it is not due to some inborn quality of courge,the reason is mostlythe social set up.woman ,from her childhood is taught that she has to be selected and accepted as a wife and modesty,shall have to be her higest jewel.this myth of modesty is highly erroneous,it makes a girl live like dummy,under share sense of guilt..
further more circumstances and situations are really more powerful than the stability of human feeling.

the sad truth is that compromise is inevitable in any marriage--- and as long as women ``enjoy`` second-class status in this country--- it`ll forever be the ``man`` who gets to decide what is important---
The point is not continuing one`s education or holding one`s job----it`s like a woman`s whole existence needs to be reshaped after marriage---- her needs come only a poor second---- she is EXPECTED to be the one making the sacrifices, the one whose needs are secondary--- and what is worse is that the men lap it up and make no effort to change their parochial attitudes----
A very guilty
MALE

rsaxena:
[...there should be an imposed limit of one-child per couple in south asia..]

technically speaking, Muslim man could still father four children with one-child per couple policy....or even more...

though a firm believer that early marriages r detrimental to the evolution of a female`s individuality, i still do not think that marriage should mean the END of life for women...ofcourse life as we knew it before ends and we enter a new bond but there have known to be women who have accomplished a lot after they tied the knot...a cousin became an international airline pilot and took up other interests as French and Polo after she got married and today, she is not only a strong individual recognized for who she is but also is a loving mom and wife, aptly running her house...! in the end, trite as it may sound, i believe it to be true...where there is a will, there is definitely a way!

To what extent must a child continue to say yes to those around him/her, especially when they are brought up in a culture that demands perfection and obedience? It is unfortunate that when many societies hear the words women and Islam in the same sentence they think of Predigest, Unfairness, and sometimes oppression upon women. But sometimes I begin to wonder, what if they are right. What sort of example are we providing when we are forcing our children to marry so young, is it because we feel compelled to abide to the rules and traditions of the past. I my self am not a father nor do i have any plans of entering a marriage any time soon but I would hope that parents would understand that although a child requires assistance in developing into a young adult that some times letting them grow by them selves furthers their understanding of the world and who they are as an individual. Most parent`s idea for raising their children mainly consists of getting an education and once complited that education to start a family, What they should realize is that many young adults are just not ready for the responsibility of marriage