Growing up Muslim

Great article. I have noticed that the farther (geographically) some immigrants get from the land of their birth, the tighter the hold on to traditions, restrictions, etc. I know that growing up in the Middle East, my life seemed a lot tamer than stories I heard of goings-on in Karachi - maybe just hearsay, though.

Re: #9 ``And I also say this to Mexicans who want to ``stick to & impose their spanish language`` on california and other southern states. Why don`t you guys just stay back where you are... that way you`ll be really really sticking to your roots.`` Maybe you don`t know that California and some other southwestern states were originally part of Mexico - the Spanish language and culture really are part of California`s roots.

Saima

Just a little more thought on the issue.

Bifurcate the religion from culture. In the West, nobody stops the immgrants from following their religious rituals.

As for the culture, what are the Pakistani parents scared off?
The Western society society lays down a premium on virtues like honesty, hard work and truthfulness.
And it looks down upon teenage sex, drugs and extra-marital sex.

The only difference is that all these issues are in the open and discussed. I feel that Pakistani culture is more dangerous because things like child molestation, drugs, rape, extra-marital sex all take place but hush hush - the children and women are simply exploited without their knowing what is happening; or it is case of a forced silence under the society`s or family`s pressure.

The worst aspect of Pakistani culture is that a girl/woman with sexual indiscreation is stigamatized by the society. While the same society looks the other way in case of a man.

At the endof the day, it all boils down to the family value system and upbringing. The excessive controls have just the opposite effect. I have never given long lectures to my children and left them pretty much on their own. They even don`t drink or smoke. I think that their value system is higher than the boys who grow up in the Pakistani culture.

Parenting is not an easy task and parenting in a foreign land comes with all the more complexity. You want the children to adept to the foreign land and its ways, but you also want the children to learn your culture, language, and religion. The solution in my mind is simple – be involved with your kids. Talk to them, know what they are learning, what they are exposed to and supplement or restrict exposure where needed. I think its OK to want your children to know who they are, to learn your language before they learn a foreign language, learn your culture in addition to the native culture etc. The problem comes if you as the parent feel and therefore impose that one is better than the other. Or you label one as evil and assume all goodness in the other. The problem would certainly come if you depended on a priest to teach your kids lessons on morality!

The problems you have observed in Muslim families are common to all societies in which men and women are not equal partners in general. If the son grows watching his father uncomfortable talking to women then whether or not the father sets any rules the chances are that the son is also going to have difficulty in his relations with women. Similarly if a girl grows watching her mother subordinated to her father’s wishes there is little chance that the girl is going to grow into a confident woman. It is our comforts and discomforts that children pick on most and those become their lifelong complexes. The learning at a Sunday school is quickly forgotten or unlearned as the need to fit in with their peers grows – and I don’t think it leaves long-term dilemmas. Children in general are real smart about knowing the expected behavior in different environments and learn to adjust to it. What I mean is if the child no longer comes home and talks about crushes in school, its not because he/she was told it’s a bad thing at Sunday school, rather its because he/she knows that the parent does not want to know that part of his/her life.

So in my mind the solution is not in replacing Sunday religious schools with Sunday cultural centers. Rather it needs adults specially parents to make small changes in their attitudes. For instance, next time you attend or host a dinner, make sure men and women are mixing and talking to each other. Your children will learn much more from watching you interact then they would at a structured center.

My 2 cents.

temporal--

your comments are great. I agree that books do tell a lot, but sometimes the family reads books--but the mental attitude about Islamic morality remains the same. It is curious--it seems they live in two or three different worlds which never meet. You are right, a follow- up a few years later would be telling--and a great use of the Chowk.

Sac--
100% on. Once the kids are at college the parents loosen up.

nazarhayatkhan--
Good parenting is an art. Perhaps the art is of listening.

trinity--
the tension between the sexes is pretty weird. Each act like the other doesnt exist, as though this will make them more moral.

Godot--
Your volunteer effort sounds amazing. Can you tell me what books you will use and a little of the curriculum. I wish I could send my son to that school. You are very welcome to use this article--I hope it is of any use in making a point. This article for me is a beginning. More work can be done to research the attitudes and find more acceptable alternatives.

Good article Saima. However what i would like to know is what are we going to do in trying to rectify something like this? Are we just going to complain or try individually to make a difference? Godot, good job for trying to do something about it.

I personally have been quite vocal on such issues and have made a few friends feel uneasy in front of their wives or girlfriends when i point out their narrow mindedness. Personally, i get a kick out of doing so. I never had a chance in Karachi because they won`t reason. Being a non-Muslim i just could not stomach the so called ``Islamic principals`` that men forced on their wives, sisters and children. Which of course they themselves never followed but hey, how could i oppose as i supposedly had no clue of the ``Islamic Principles``.

I think being a man it is easier for me to make them understand or at least they listen to what i have to say. Some have changed their views to an extent that there is hope for their wives/children in the future. Others, hummmm, will learn it the hard way or best will go backhome.

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