Untitled

Mr Jayshree,

How dare you, an Indian, talk about us Pakistanis in such a manner. Yes, our eyes are open. Our eyes are open to the atrocities you commit in Kashmir. Wishing for a new direction? Ha! You can`t wish for a new direction until this fundamental matter is resolved.

And as for walking under a dream, we don’t have any dreams. We`re not the ones failing miserably against China. Yeah, you`re right about the miracle bit. You are waiting to see a miracle. Keep wilting under pressure.

Umer M.

Jayshree:

read aloud...read aloud to yourself and then judge if a word or line reverberates with you...best thing to do is to read a lot of poetry and try to make a sense of the sound and feelings poet`s words depict in those poems...if there is a poet in you ...the poet in you will survive all the insults and abuses the naysayers can hurl at you...deleting repitition and re-ordering slightly here is your poem:

Untitled: (Dream Walking)

Waking to a golden sun
Wishing for a new direction
Willing to fall in love (+ again)
Working (+ again) [ delete:hard] at [del: a] relationship(+s)
Waiting (+ for) [delete:to see] a miracle.
Wilting [delete: under pressure]

Eyes wide open
(+ Dream) Walking [delete:through a dream].

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these are suggestions...you have to rewrite and find your own voice and comfort level

rgds

t

Jayashree, well done. Write more. Dont stop.

Way to go, half the fun is in getting published. The next half is in getting published again. Yet another half is someday getting paid for it. Then one half happens when people recognise you for it. And there is this half when you realise that submitting it was . . .

Way to, Jayashree. Never mind the nay-sayers.

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Hi Jayashree!
Read all fo that stuff that people have said about you below. The same happened to me when I published my first article. Happens to everyone. But I like your poem! Good Job! Sometimes it is very hard for people to see the poet`s point of view. They always want to find one that suits them or is understandable to them. So don`t blame these rude people when they tell you to stop or not to write at all. Write. Write with more vigor to create something even better. Bet half of these people cannot write anything half as good as your poem.
Hamid

this almost made me vomit, thanks

To the writer:
I think you are trying to be a poet. Here is some advice. Feel free to ignore it if you don`t see any value in it. Don`t worry about words or rhyme or rhythm. All of that will come in time. All you should be doing right now is trying to concentrate on describing. Elaboration on working hard at anything for instance or wilting under pressure if that makes sense to you. Describe anything that makes sense to you at all. Look for patterns around you. Trust me there is plenty to write about and describe. I offer the same advice to a new poet and a new golfer. Golfers and poets should not worry about looking good with fancy shots and fancy words. They will come in time. Right now just grind away at what you know. Hitting and saying it straight.

I read this somewhere and felt inspired (If you are feeling a little down after reading some of the posts below):

For only once does one feel the agony of pain.
Let it wash over you with a dying rain.
Let them stare at you and call you insane.
Feel the piercing eyes as they break the chain.

To the gentlemen/ladies snickering at this effort on this forum:

Atleast this guy is rowing a boat in the middle. You guys don`t even have the guts to wet your feet, or do you? I invite you to post something if you have it in you.

Don`t listen to the negativists, but work on it some more. While the veterans here will offer better advice, I would rework the following:

-working hard at a relationship
-wilting under pressure
-wanting to keep them closed

Remember, this is from someone who never wrote a verse in his life, so feel free to ignore!

This is how I see all you poets.
Your ``sophistication`` makes you no better than this guy up there who write that unreadable poem.

stop writing - for your own sake

Jayashree

in some cases the words make sense in others they do not. so it feels at times that you are forcing the words -- just for the sake of continuity.

don`t know how this can change. i suspect the resident literature critics will have suggestions.

but do continue to write, some at chowk believe that only the `best` need to be heard. there is a viewpoint that every person tries to convey and your effort is worth it. something new is always better than same old same old.