To Be Or Not To Be Home?

Dost Mittar,

Ah....so injudicious use of makkan is part of Punjabi cookery ;) as well....

saminasha:
``Well okay....you needed homemade stuffing and makkaned your turkey until it could have slid to China on its own grease....but that, my brother, is called ``Thanksgiving cheating`` or known as English cooking-slap some butter on it and everything works out in the end! ``

We have a saying in Panjabi, ``Jo kare ghyo, na maa kare na piyo``. Loosely translated, it means that Mom cooks or Pop, butter does it!

Hamid,

Very cute....MY gravy recipe insists that I add the cornstarch to 2 cups of chicken broth and turkey dripping...

Jang,

Do you have a linoleum floor? Tiled? Does it need to be cleaned with special cleanser and then buffed? See how easy it is? :)

hamidm2

What is your opinion of Clorox™ ReadyMop™ ? Also, I am really upset with those synthetic sponge mops.. they dont seem to work as well as the natural sponges. Can you please recommend us domestic-use mop brand which is more balanced for us men with (slightly) higher upper-body strength?

jang #59 excellent point. labor saving devices of the 20th century were indeed the result of the fact that those who were stuck with hard labor now had the money to buy such labor saving gadgets. and this provided the incentive to inventors. take one thing alone: washing clothes. before the washing machine, it would take up a few hours of hard work by the housewife in the US. in a class ridden society like pakistan the begum sahib would never have felt the need for a washing machine, because she already had a live machine (the dhobi). in the US, the begum sahibas had no dhobi.

on a larger scale, this is exactly the reason why class ridden societies have never been particularly inventive, even as the elite has spent its idle time developing philosophies. this is true for ancient greece (where they had slaves), latin america (where argentina and brazil were at par with the US, but got left behind due to an idle elite with large land estates), and pakistan today.

this forum sounds more of an episode of cooking with this oriental chef that they broadcast on PBS. Sir hamidm2, you have managed to impress us (or maybe i should speak for myself, me) by your knowledge of housewifery so please spare us any further details. Thanks

Why well educated people should do menial work?

I had a mechanical engg. visitor from back-home helping one day shovelling snow (he had seen too many yash chopra movies and thought snow is romantic). Ten minutes into the pain of shovelling, he started thinking up of various ways the job could be done easier...being a machincal engg, his ideas were more on the lines of inventing tools (i on the other hand a simpler idea of calling joe the snow-plough guy).

the point is, the white man having forced to do menial labor, invented screws, potato peelers and ballpoint pens, thus helping the mankind while we are very happy to sit on the khatiayan and let grass be cut by a 8 inch sickle by a ghasiyaran even now.

saminasha,

...... .......... and what`s with the corn starch - don`t you know that you are not supposed to put it directly into the gravy?.........unless you want lumpy gravy!........... stir it into a cup of water and let it settle; then scoop up a few tablespoons from the top and add it in to get gravy like .... butter!............and i still maintain housewifery is makebelieve work........

Hamid,

Well okay....you needed homemade stuffing and makkaned your turkey until it could have slid to China on its own grease....but that, my brother, is called ``Thanksgiving cheating`` or known as English cooking-slap some butter on it and everything works out in the end! Turkeys take time and patience and you`ve got to make sure that the damned legs dont burn before the stuffing inside is completely cooked-tenting works for the first FIVE hours and then your fussing over the bechara oversized bird like an ayah...and may we talk about sides? Mashed potatoes, green beans with almonds and butter, rolls, gravy, etc must be cooked in the half hour the bird settles after it is cooked. Plus, who is doing the laundry, looking after the khandan, cleaning the dishes, setting up the table, watching the kids, etc while you are making sure that the gravy is not bogged down by corn starch? And this, my friend is for one evening only....

Adaab, salaam, hello, hi everyone!
Excuse me for coming in too late...............was away since Eid and thus missed interacting with all of you.................my loss entirely.
Thankyou all for your response and appreciation................you all made my Eid real special!
The posts are getting livelier by the day..........................I shall leave now for you to enjoy them!
Regards,
Saman.

hamidm2 #51 very good. your credentials as the advanced man-who-can-cook are established. But do you do windows?

hamidm:

:)

hamidm

I always thought that you were a mirasee but now evidence is emerging that you are basically a nai. It is a strange world - we and our presumptions.

sir hamidm2

can i please come to your place on thanksgiving next year??

saminshah,

........... no, it wasn`t just the ten pounds of potatoes, it was also the six loaves of italian bread ............ the night before i cut em up into little pieces and let them dry out on the counter and all mrs hamidm could do was yell at me for making a big mess ............ ``why can`t we just have stove top instant stuffing like normal people``..........i am not a professional housewife, i have my honor and dignity to protect - no stove top stuffing and no instant potatoes! ......... that is what these ... these ... housewives do and then make a big fuss about slaving in the kitchen all day !

............ so that is how you make crumbs - they don`t come in a box!......... real italian bread cut up and left to dry overnight ........... then you chop (not dice or grind) six stalks of celery and two large onions and slightly saute (not fry or brown) in a stick of butter (not margarine or any of that oil crap - real butter) ........... throw in a little thyme, sage, pepper and salt ............ add to the crumbs .............. now whip up two eggs in a can of swanson chicken broth and mix it in with a can of water - throw in some salt, pepper and oregano ............... chop up a fistful of fresh parsley and mix it in ............ now you have ``real`` stuffing ............. stuff the bird at both ends using the flaps and metal scewers to seal ............ soak the cheese cloth in four sticks of melted butter and wrap the bird in it like king tut`s mummy .............. oh yes, none of this plastic bag stuff - that is what your fat and lazy housewives do ............. remember, it is all about honor and dignity!............. stick the darn thing in the oven and baste every 15-20 minutes .......... bake at 350 allowing 15 minutes per pound and remove the cheese cloth half an hour before taking it out .........

............so there!...........like i said before, there is nothing to this housewifery business - any idiot can do it (poets are another story)

Hamid,

Oof bhai jan, ithna ghussa over ten pounds of potatoes! :) But you are correct in stating that NO ONE likes to clean the tub....

hamidm:

as if caught between three ladies and a republican is not enough;)

....you don`t see the pope or bill gates running around chasing a lawn mower ? ...

...one cannot and the other won`t...so...back to you ladies and gent.

...t

``housewifery`` is not real work ...........

Sir Hamidm
You are lucky we haven`t called the feminazi police force or else you would be scrubbing the kitchen floor right now and acknowledging the dignity it brings.
I support career oriented females but at the same time, the work that is done by housewives cannot be neglected. It takes alot of stamina to do the same chores every single day, and I think it is much more physically exhausting to cook, clean, etc than to sit on your comfy chair at the office. Housewifery is just as much ``real work`` as a professional job is, and it carries alot of dignity as well. The difference is the end result, if you are not bringing in money at the end of the month then no matter how much work you have done, people don`t appreciate it. Housewives are not appreciated for the amount of work they put in to nurture their families because their work is not materialisticly productive. Hire a maid and when you have to pay her for the same work that your housewife used to do for free, then I am sure you can appreciate her ``housewifery.``
and all the ``you``s in the post are not directed at you Sir Hamidm, they are used for general purpose. So please don`t retaliate:)

saminasha,

......... both mrs hamidm and i do our share of housework and we both hate it ........... if we could afford it we would farm it all out to mexicans and romanians and spend our spare time watching the grass grow ........... but that is besides the point ........... i still don`t think being a career housewife is an honorable profession and i certainly wouldn`t want my daughters to entertain this silly thought ........... it is a ``choice`` that only a feeble minded, inadequate and lazy woman would make .............. trust me, i know what i am talking about - i can ``keep`` house better than many of these ``professional`` housewives - every sunday i clean the shower stall with a toothbrush, tilex and soft scrub untill the darn thing shines, and i never mix colored laundry with the white ............

............ so i tell my daughters, ``if you don`t study hard, you will end up like me, peeling ten pounds of potatoes in your pajamas ``............ all this dignity of labor stuff is fine and dandy - i just don`t want any part of it, been there, done that!............ as tahmed suggests, i have done my share of ``dignified`` work to make us a superpower.........now it is time to let someone else do it............ i also have a suspicion that this ``dignity of labor`` stuff is cooked up by the idle rich to ensure that the po folk keep on working harder to make them richer ............ you don`t see the pope or bill gates running around chasing a lawn mower ?

I think I see that pig in Charlottes` Web flying overhead....I actually agree with #42....Hamid, perhaps Mrs Hamid should ask you to take over the housework?

stuka #42 it is indeed heartening, particularly for someone coming from class conscious countries like india or pakistan, how democratic the labor force is in the US. today`s gas station attendant could be tomorrow`s chief executive. people are proud of having done manual labor, not ashamed.

many years ago, when my elder brother finished engineering university, my father suggested that he spend a day working as a manual worker in pakistan (the theory being that since he would be ordering workers around once he started his first job, he might as well see things from the worker`s perspective). that evening my brother returned, tired and greasy and dirty (he had spent the day working at an auto repair shop). in the US of course no father would need to tell his son to go work as a manual worker - since they do it anyway when going through college.

it is little things like this that add up to explain why the US is a superpower and so many other countries are not. it has to do with the entire outlook on things of society.

hamidm #43 you write ``housewifery`` is not real work ........... ``

hope you wear your running shoes when you write such things (so you can run faster than the pots and pans and rolling pins that will no doubt come flying at you if mrs. hamidm appens to see you writing things like the above on chowk).

stuka, tahmed

.......... i couldn`t agree with you more .... that`s exactly what i tell my kids........... but i was talking about this kind of work in the context of a household and i still maintain that ``housewifery`` is not real work ...........

HamidM:

`` there is no dignity of labor in cleaning toilets, changing diapers, cooking runny dal and scrubbing the floor - any idiot, male or female, can do it ................. ``

Sure. The operative word is ``can`` as in it is a low skill job but low skill does not translate into low effort. Having done slave labour in desi restaurants, American pizza parlors and various other jobs including mopping floors etc, I agree that these do not require a high degree of skill. That aside, I disagree with anyone who says there is no dignity in these jobs.

It was those jobs that made me a man from a boy. It was the tedious hard work, mind numbingly hard, that made me determined to pull myself up. It was also the pay check that I recieved that gave me the confidence of being able to survive and move up on my own. I was proud of wearing my Domino`s uniform compared to desi kids who were progeny of the IAS and who`se apartment rents were higher then my entire month`s budget.

There is far more dignity in doing all these jobs compared to sitting at the Delhi Gymkhana making small talk while signing chits so the bill goes to my dad. Having done both, I speak from experience.

So, by all means, give your daughters all they need to succeed in terms of education and experience. But do them a favor and do not teach them to have contempt for manual labor. Be it personal or professional. A healthy respect for any sort of labor will bode them well.

hamidm #36 you are confusing cause and effect - the mexican is forced to work as janitor because that is the only way he can earn an honest living. that does not mean that he is giving up his dignity as well. nor does the fact that he makes less than you make him less dignified. that is all i am saying.

as for what your children will do, as my daughter told me when i was trying to convince her to take up medicine like a good desi kid: ``you are trying to live your life through me``. just give your kids good education, and if after that they are happy to raise a family - just be glad for them. dont try to make them astronauts just because you would like to be one. the day pakistani men learn this, they would have gone a notch up on their evolutionary scale.

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temporal,

....... being a poet and all, you are exempt from rules that bind the rest of man-kind .......... i just hope to god my daughters don`t run off with poets or prophets - it is sort of hard to get mad at people who know not what they do ................and we all straddle the middle ground, getting away with what we can ............. i too am sometimes guilty of displaying traits of neanderthal or muslim like behaviour - intransigence, obduracy, and sheer incompetence................ for example i refuse to fold and put away laundry - it is all that stands between me and total capitulation to mrs hamidm ..............somehow, i feel that as long as i don`t fold underwear and match socks, to put away neatly in drawers lined with pink paper, my manhood it intact .............nobody is perfect............ but you really should try cooking - it is quite therapeutic, specially if you drink more wine than you put in the korma ..............korma in a merlot sauce - my speciality ................

Good article and discussion about an important issue.

Our societies (both eastern and western) still do impose a lot of responsibilities onto a woman. (A communist dictator hiding inside me says that any man responsible for impregnating a woman should be made lawfully obliged to share her burdens - financial and/or others. Any of his earnings/time should first go towards the child/mother and then towards himself).

Unfortunately, a lot of South Asian men are brought up without any exposure to housework, and therefore don`t help out as much as they can. In these cases, a woman ends up with all the responsiblity and undoubtedly the relationship does suffer.

Flexible hours from employers, open communicative relationships and prioritization of what needs to be done (i.e. the kids bedroom does not have to be super clean, but the kids should get good decent meals) can go a long way. Supportive family members, social infrastructures can help as well. Day-care centres could be run a little better - what`s with closing promptly at 6pm? The thing is the entire social structure has not come to terms with working parents and there`s a void that needs to be filled.

I really think there should be a `parent` clause in employment contracts. Happier and motivated employees are better than unhappy and unproductive employees.

tahmed32 and hamidm:

...i occupy the middle ground between two...but i swear upon your prophets and gods...surely we all believe in different gods no?...mine smiles...that i know!...as i was declaring my intentions of swearing upon your prophets (both Muhammed (saw) and Carlin (may he stay on the right side of mike and keyboard)…that i do the dishes and some ironing and vacuuming and some of the ghaas-vaas stuff and some more of this and some more of that….but no cooking or peeling sheeling…( you bet M cannot write a bad poem either if her life depended on it;))… so we have a unison…er..division of work/labour…speaking of labour…when she was paire-bhaari…no, no that was a different story…not now…so yes...there is a respectful unision of agreement on who does what…and in front of whom one can proudly tell which lie without being challenged…so back to this post…which i started writing despite having no such intentions…but one of you must have irritated me enough to pound on the keryboard…so unless you have all night,,,i occupy the middle ground between you two and i have M’s permission to say so…there…hummphhh!...go sort it out willya …over your respective rooh-afzas and glennnnntempus…

...t

tahmed,

.......... allright ............ so cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors is ``dignified``, but i still don`t want my daughters to do it and i don`t want any other man to tell them they have to do it either ............. we all know that the prophet (pbuh) mended his own clothes and god`s only son made his own sandals, but i maintan that versache and gucci could have done it better and if they had any sense they would have hired a tailor and a cobbler !.............

............ all this talk about the dignity of manual labor is bs perpetuated by folks who want to keep the poor mexican picking the grapes while they sip the wine ................nobody actually ``enjoys`` digging ditches and picking cotton or doing the laundry - they do it because they have to ............ we thank them for it, but let`s not go overboard with this dignity stuff ............

hamidm #34 you missed (or ignored) my point: you are equating ``intellectually challenging`` with ``dignified``. Rest assured that these are two different things. The laborer digging a ditch under the hot sun in pakistan, or the mexican woman cleaning your toilet bowl, is doing more dignified work than the bara sahib does when accepting a bribe.

I admit that this concept may be a bit intellectually challenging for you to comprehend. but make an effort and you just might get it. Trust me it doesnt require much more brains than it does to peel potatoes to get this concept - so dont shy away from the point.

......... i tell my daughters ten times a day, ``there is nothing diginified about cleaning toilets, scrubbing floors and wiping a baby`s rear end.... and if you don`t do well in school, and have a meaningful career, you will end up doing all that and crocheting doilies in your spare time - brain surgery is real work, any idiot can stuff a turkey and stick it in the oven``............. and to prove the point, i made thanksgiving dinner with home made stuffing, real mashed potatoes and gravey that simmered for five hours ............ i can assure you there was nothing challenging about peeling ten pounds of russet potatoes - it is humiliating work and mrs hamidm, being the self-respecting woman that she is, would have nothing to do with it .......... ``you want real mashed potoatoes? here, mash your heart out,`` she said, handing me the peeler (which, by the way is the greatest invention since sex)............

.........................a lot of fat lazy women and their impotent husbands blabber on about how difficult it is to run a house and raise kids and what a full time ``job`` it is ............. nonsense!............ no, it is not a job, it is menial labor - it might be the labor of love, and all that, but it is still pretty meaningless work .............. and it doesn`t take a village to raise a child (unless you want to raise the village idiot) - all it takes is two parents (or one parent, an uncle and a wet-nanny)............. for god`s sake, there is no mystery to housework - any mexican, or person of polish descent, will be more than happy to do it for you for eight bucks an hour, leaving you free to read the nyt editorials or do your nails............ that is what adam smith meant by division of labor - he did not intend for women to do all the dirty work and take away jobs from new immigrants ................

RE # 15 Mr Fosa
``The DOWRY Culture of INDIA singularly has given rise to REBOUND phenamenon of resurgent zeal among south asian woman to ``EARN`` as if then they will be ``WORTH`` SOMthing ...

POOR SouthAsian Men like Subroto ...have to be victim of this ``complex Inferioisu`` of South Asian WIFES!!!!!!! ``

Gee this is the first time I learnt about my dowry, you can probably tell me where I can claim it from.
Sometimes its not just about the money. For some reason school teachers are not amongst the highest paid workers but they still love their jobs. But still it was interesting to know that South Asian wives work because of ``complex Inferioisu``, would really be interested in knowing why women from other cultures work.

Ah! Come back to Chowk after an absence and the lovely welcome one gets, nice to know one is missed.

#23 Hamidm ``........... there is no dignity of labor in cleaning toilets, changing diapers, cooking runny dal and scrubbing the floor - any idiot, male or female, can do it ................. ``
Well I wear my ``idiotness`` with pride, probably banged my head as a baby, and I never make ``runny dal`` - ah the ``heeng ka tarka`` makes all the difference (knowing your fondness for heeng I am sure you`d love it).

hamidm #23 `` there is no dignity of labor in cleaning toilets, changing diapers, cooking runny dal and scrubbing the floor - any idiot, male or female, can do it ................. ``

spoken like a true pakistani male. and wrong, as pakistani males usually are on things (with a few exceptions like myself).

physical labor may not be mentally challenging, but it is certainly a lot more dignified than wasting one`s time chatting idly with strangers on chowk. which is what you and i are doing. and certainly a hell of a lot more dignified than taking kickbacks and bribes like many senior government officials in pakistan.

you would be more accurate if instead of ``dignity`` you said ``intellectually challenging``. that i would agree on. but then, how many men do really intellectually challenging work - in my experience, half the time in offices is spent attending pointless meetings where everyone loves to hear himself talk and everyone else sleeps with eyes open, politiking, public relationing, stroking egos, flirting (sometimes more than just flirting), writing emails to everyone and his mother just so everyone knows you exist, and sitting idly in cars for a couple of hours each day commuting.

so, you may impress the missus with talk about ``intellectually challenging`` work, but you dont impress anyone who has seen how offices operate. so, ``intellectually challenging`` doesnt cut it either.

it is no surprise therefore that whereas white guys will take up ``intellectually unchallenging`` stuff like fixing things in their house, trimming shrubs and trees by themselves, cooking meals, changing diapers and so on, i have met very few pakistani men in the US who would deign to do these ``undignified`` things.

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hamidm2,

...so I guess you are of opinion that working man and stay at home wife who get divorced by no means deserve 50% of assets each...maybe 90,10?

Prophet (PBUH) was given to Halima bibi because it was a tradition to have males raised by nomads. It was believed that boys who were broached to harsh conditions from childhood would grow up to be strong and since arab tribes took pride in warriors, male strength was highly valued.

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hamidm2

you should write an article also, you definitely have the wit for it. I liked what you said. Yes the old age notions of ``the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach`` (i think its something like this), is just another pathetic way to euphemize women`s so called duty of being in the kitchen 24/7.

Sir Anew
As far as American society and their women are concerned, its nothing more than a case of moral deprivation at the prime level. I never said eastern women should act like their western counterparts, women in America are truly exploited. Eastern women should not be equated with them. There is nothing wrong with women working outside of their homes and at the same time heading a family unit but cooperation from spouse is mandatory. I myself am the progeny of a career oriented mother (she worked for only 5 years) and I think she provided us with just as much nuturing, care, love, etc as any completely ``housewife`` mom would. And to tell you the truth, working outside allowed her to better understand the ambience that she was raising us in and thus she could deal with our issues with a better comprehension than a mother who confined herself to the regular house job. I am not saying a women must be engaged in professional life at all points in her life rather when she finds it necessary she should be allowed to work outside.

Hamidm2 # 23

That pretty much sums up this issue. Not a wishy-washy comfort-zone opinion.

A very good post.

hamidm:

... anyone who cannot follow the instructions on a packet of shan masala to make biryani or korma deserves to starve to death ...

....i know several folks...in particular a poet from TO...who as you suggested if his life depended....

...now, give me a day to get my papers in order...and pray tell me...are there any options?.....lethatl injection or stoning etc...hunger is kinda long drawn out option...let`s get over this quickly

...t

welcome back hamid sahib!

........... there is no dignity of labor in cleaning toilets, changing diapers, cooking runny dal and scrubbing the floor - any idiot, male or female, can do it .................

........ been there done, done that, and i can assure you that if anyone thinks that menial housework is ``real`` work that is at par with writing sonnets or designing microchips, she needs to have her head examined - it is something that you have to do, and it is nothing to be proud of ............remember, cooking as a hobby can be a lot of fun, but it is slave labor if you have to do it three times a day to feed a tribe of apes - that is why we invented takeout chinese and deli sandwiches ............... and you can breast feed a kid and wipe his rear end with love and tenderness fifty times a day, and he can still turn out to be a jihadi suicider ............ this motherhood crap his highly overrated - let`s not forget that our prophet (pbuh), like all other well to do kids in the tribe, was raised by a wet-nanny .............. his mother would not have disgraced her family by taking on this menial job ..............

............so i tell my daughters not to worry about learning to cook and sew and crochet little doilies, instead they should work on getting real jobs and then find a husband who can make his own cup of tea and fetch his own slippers ............ this concept of the housewife as a legitimate career is utter nonsense, cooked up by lazy women who want to stay in bed till noon, and impotent men who feel they are in charge by keeping their woman in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant .........and then, to cover up their own insecurities and prejudics, they utter silly inanities like ``aurat kay haath kay pukkay huay khaney ke baat he kuch aur hai!``............ what nonsense!........... anyone who cannot follow the instructions on a packet of shan masala to make biryani or korma deserves to starve to death ............

A good article.

Working women don`t necessarily mean that they work only because it is a financial need for them. For professional women, it may be a source of satisfaction and it may provide them a feeling of being able to do something creative. Not to mention the benefits of good relationing at office resulting in an enjoyable social life.

Another benefit, working women get from sharing the income for home is that the feeling of husbands that they are the bread winners for their homes remains no more in their attitude.

As far as household jobs are concerned, I bet men are not that bad in cooking as well. If wives can cook parathas, I don`t feel that husbands are nikammas enough to prepare omelettes meanwhile. Cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and killing the insects seems a more suitable job for men instead of women. Children belong to both the spouses. Both can raise them working together. Washing clothes on weekends seems perfectly OK. Both of them can do it together. Why do the women consider that it is only them who can manage the homes ?

However, Being a working women is a matter of choice. No hard and fast rules apply here. Ones who enjoy being in offices should enjoy their lives in offices, for them if satisfaction lies in remaining homes , they are free to spend their lives in homes raising he children.

Please read this article for `a change`

Home, Sweet Home

By Khalid Baig

``My own feeling is that we`ve pushed women too far,`` says Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, the 80 year old Harvard University doctor who is frequently called ``America`s Pediatrician,`` in a recent interview in the Los Angles Times. ``We`ve split them in two, and we have not given them back anything to support themselves on either end.`` He has witnessed what forcing the women into the workforce and the breakdown of the family have done to the American children. ``I just think our country is in deep, deep trouble,`` he agonizes.

Opinion leaders of all persuasions agree. Ask America`s First Lady, who considers herself a champion of women`s and children`s causes. In her 1996 book, ``It Takes a Village,`` she offers this assessment: ``… children`s potential lost to sprit-crushing poverty, children`s health lost to unaffordable care, children`s hearts lost in divorce and custody fights, children`s futures lost in an overburdened foster care system, children`s lives lost to abuse and violence, our society lost to itself as we fail our children.`` This is a society in which by her account: ``homicide and suicide kill almost seven thousand children every year; one in four of all children are born to unmarried mothers, many of whom are children themselves; and 135,000 children bring guns to school each day. Children in every social stratum suffer from abuse, neglect, and preventable emotional problems.`` She also approvingly quotes: ``If you bungle raising your children, I don`t think whatever else you do matters very much.`` It is obvious that America as a nation, has bungled this thoroughly.

Welcome to the dark side of ``Women`s Emancipation.`` Today women are free in America. Free from the protection of a home and the support of a husband who would be responsible to provide for them. They are on their own. In turn, the children have been freed from the rigidities of the traditional home, where father and mother provide for them, take care of them, and guide them. The children are also on their own. Just in case they do not like it, the society has been experimenting with all kinds of poultry farms -day care they call them-to take care of them.

Things have gone so wrong for so long that everyone has lost all hope that the society can rectify it completely and retrace its steps. Hillary Clinton admits: ``My personal wish, that every child have an intact, dependable family, will likely remain a wish.`` So, she is just trying to build a better poultry farm with the help of the whole village. Dr. Brazelton knows that the children need the mother at home. ``I think you are giving a gift to the child when you stay home with him as long as you can.`` However, he knows that it cannot be very long, as, to stay home, ``being just a mother,`` is not good enough any more. He knows the psychological crisis faced by the stay-at-home mothers, so he pleads with everyone to do as much as they can.

Now contrast this with the U.N. edict that the women in the rest of the world, especially the Muslim world, must take up all kinds of jobs outside the home; that the goal should be their total economic independence. In other words, women must be forced outside the home so they are no longer available to take care of the children within the home. They must be ``liberated`` from the home, so they can enjoy the same fruits of ``emancipation`` as the women are ``enjoying`` in the U.S.

The destruction of the family in America, or the West in general, was not planned. It just happened as a logical result of the materialistic, hedonistic, Godless civilizational values that have gripped these societies. But the U.N. decree that the rest of the world must follow the same disastrous path, is something else. It is as if a person lost an eye to horseplay, and now wants everyone else to voluntarily have an eye removed!

It is unconscionable that we should be answering such chicanery with apologetics of the kind that normally begin with, ``Islam also allows women to,`` as in, ``Islam also allows women to work outside the home.`` Yes, it does in case of necessity, but that is beside the point. The real issue is that Islam frees a wife from the burden to provide for the family. It is solely the husband`s responsibility. In return, wife`s main responsibility is to stay home and take care of the children. The primary field of women`s endeavor is the home, sweet home. And this has to be stated without hesitation or apology. The Qur`an says: ``And stay quietly in your homes.``[Al-Ahzab, 33:33]. And the Prophet, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam, said: ``The wife is responsible for taking care of the home of her husband, and she will be accountable for those given in her charge.``[Bukhari, Muslim]. This is also the most rewarding job that anyone can think of. The Prophet, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam, assured the woman who stays home to take care of the children, that she would be with him in paradise. According to another hadith, during pregnancy and the entire period of nursing, the believing mother is like the soldier on active duty. If she dies, she gets the reward reserved for a martyr. Yet another hadith says to the women: ``Take care of the home. That is your jihad.`` [Musnad Ahmad].

All of these clearly establish the basic division of labor between men and women according to Islam: men are responsible for the affairs outside the home and the women are responsible for taking care of the home. This division is not a relic of some dark past. It is the only basis on which a healthy society has ever been built and can be built today. The nations that have tried to alter this natural arrangement long enough have nothing but grief and trouble to show for their efforts. And they seem to be groping in the dark, unable to undo the damage and get out of the quagmire. Is there any sane reason that those who have the Light should follow them on the dark highway to disaster?

Cipram Ji

This is the inherent submissive attitude I was referring to. If a woman works outside the house whether it be due to financial needs or due to her personal satisfaction in utilizing her education for a better cause, you make it sound as if she is sacrificing a greater purpose of life by succumbing to this, ``one should not go so far away in the pursuit of ambition at the cost her of her family.``
Yes the family unit is very important and must be nurtured as it was orginally designed to be but why can`t we reject the century old notions of women staying in the boundaries of home while husbands work outside. The problem with our society is that we are always crying liberalism, women rights, blah blah blah, but we still act in complete submission when it comes to ancient values that define a women`s place in society. It is a reality because women want it to remain a reality, they do not desire amelioration of their own miserable lives. I truly despise the traditions and cultural beliefs that are inclucated in our youth as far as marriage and role of a women are concerned in our society. So how long is this cycle of women being better off at home and raising kids going to continue???? I have seen female doctors in Pakistan become full time home-makers after getting married. I mean why not give their med school seats to males who are probably in more need of it than these females since all they are going to do is sit at home and prescribe Triaminic to their own kids?????????

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Women went to work. Earning power increased. That led to an increase in housing prices. Now you need two incomes to pay the mortgage. A single income is no longer a valid lifestyle choice in middle class America.

Interesting Article though. Enjoyed reading it and yes the grass is always greener on the other side. We are human after all.

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A very good article full of good humor, on a topic that would be timely for all times to come. But the important thing is timing, if you are referring to your current situation of having to juggle between raising young children, a husband in the prime of his career an active family life with lots of interaction and interference from in-laws etc. I think there would be a lot of takers for your choice of staying home. Now lets just go back a few years when you were enjoying adult bliss sans kids. It would be quite boring to interact only with house hold help or haggle for groceries in the market. Fast forward to a time when your youngest off spring is 12 years of age.

To stay home in either of these two scenarios would leave you completely unfulfilled. You might end up opting for the crutch a lot of women take – that of having a final child, to give themselves some purpose in life. But the damage is already done. That dear husband of yours who has been busy improving himself during the time that you were doing diaper duty, has left you far behind and you wouldn’t be able to claim

“And my husband can discuss any topic under the sun with me and not bury his nose behind a newspaper or indulge in a man-to-man talk away from the home”

So honey its time to don that business suit and get into the job market once more. There is time for everything, time to stay home and time to get out.

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Well after a couple of hundred million in the bank (give or take a few hundred million), I think Julia Roberts is entitled to stay at home and cook dinner and make babies. Yeah sure and she is really going to clean the house and look after the little one(s), when she can afford the efficient chefs and nannies. But for the rest of us mortals looking after kids is probably easier in India/Pakistan (and I am talking about the socio-economic group I know, so spare me the poverty-stricken line) than it is here. Both the parents have to pull their weight unless you are a heartless male willing to swamp your wife with all the housework (look under ``D`` for ``Divorce Lawyers`` in the Yellowpages). And especially for those with young kids, its so much fun. The law of the playroom dictates that the playroom will look like the one of those midwest towns in the US after Typhoon Whatshername has been through it. Crayons look much better on freshly painted/cleaned walls (though third degree treatment can often provide an efficient cure). Sissors are good for improving motor skills and improved physical activity as kids are chased around the house. They also ensure that the vaccum cleaners do not die of neglect. And for mothers who have gone back to college a reminder of an assignment`s mortality. But inspite of all the work there are other moments too, a greater contact with kids than would have been otherwise possible. Story telling sessions at night - papa`s make stories being more popular than the story books in the house (yes I am bragging here but would appreciate new plots). And this papa is never going to let mama forget what the 5 year old once said ``if you learn to drive and make tandoori chicken like papa then you`ll know everything``. I may add she has learnt to drive, completed her masters degree but that tandoori chicken is a hard act to follow.

correction: ``a`` stupid article....

Sameena,

Lively and humorous piece!

The NYTimes Mag had an stupid article about a month ago about a small and wealthy class of educated women/mothers who had decided to leave the workforce. Unfortunately the writer had the nerve to ask if this was a backlash against women in the workforce, or an expansion of feminism that asks all workers, women and men, to reevaluate the kinds of employment systems that require 24/7 attendance.

What was really interesting were the letters that poured in responding to the article-letters by working women and mothers who negotiate these battles on a daily basis and choose to continue to.

Cipram Ji

Are you advocating that woman hood is confining oneself to the boundaries of home. I think this is a very parochial view especially for the era that we live in. As for having ``two bosses,`` if your husband acts like a boss to you than perhaps the meaning of marriage got lost somewhere along the way. This is not a relationship where one spouse enjoys more benefits and rights over the other. I think the problem with women in our society is that they are inculcated with this marriage stigma, along with raising kids and acting submissive to hubbies from a young age. So to them, this is the only purpose of life. Well, there is a much greater purpose of life and that can only be fulfilled if women learn to utilize their full potentials. Husbands should recognize that they are as much accountable for doing household chores as their working wives are. I think the two are manageable for a women as long as her spouse shares in the responsibility. And wives who are professionals are recognized as ``intellectual`` enough to make the household decisions and not just blindly follow that which their husbands ordain.

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sameena:

Very true what you`ve tried to put down in this article. I remember my mother having quite a hard time with a not so cooperating work schedule and un-cooperative kids.
All the best of will-power, patience and those very rare but necessary pschotic-outbursts.

Interesting reading this, I think I`ll save a copy for ammi.

:)

saman
this looks like some much needed steam being let off.. :) i enjoyed reading this... putting husband on hold sounds ticklingly funnny
youve written about a very. very. vaguely discussed issue in pakistan (and maybe india too) though its been done to death in the west... working women handling families, societal occasions, bachay kae schools, khana peena, pakana etc... most women here are encouraged to `teach` because its a `respectable` profession and the woman usually gets home in time to welcome children home, put them to bed then welcome hubby home and wash her hair... most anything other than teaching is discouraged in most places.. corporate jobs and careers are though not looked down upon anymore, still not looked at without reproach.. whats it like in india?

hey saman,
here is one for your dilemma...

Yeh keh ke uss ne wasl se inkaar ker diya
sardi bahut hai mujh se nahaaya na jaay ga
;)

Hello Sameena Khan Sahiba

I am surprised to see that most of the interactors have confined themselves to one paragraph of the article. The article goes beyond the issue of husband-wife intimacy, but males tend to have a tunnel vision, what can I say.
So you are right, its hard to juggle between work, home, kids, family, etc. I am not married but most of the women in our family are not just house wives rather they are career oriented. I personally think it is much more productive to step out of the house and utilize your full potentials instead of just confining yourself to raising kids. Working women tend to engage less in the fav past time of desi females, gossip. Raising kids can be balanced with working if your hubby is cooperative. If he is not cooperative, then conflict is inevitable. So you can succesfully fulfill both duties but only when your spouse is willing to put in as much effort as you are in home-making. And I think it takes a real Man to admit that he is just as much responsible for running errands around the house as a woman is. Too bad, we are suffering from a shortage of real Men. Take care and good luck with everything you engage in.

A very ``ínformative`` article; Danny Moder is hubby of Julia Roberts! Why is Julia Roberts preferring home over ``outside success``? Our once shy and now feminist ``Äsmat Chugtais`` will come out of this puzzle if they stop treating Mr. Moders as mere studs with the shot of ``right medicine` and let them play their real role. Until then sleepless, hollering, screaming and fast disintegrating women of 21st century. They need to learn from Julia Robert`s experience before wasting another century to go back 14 centuries. Until then let ``cockroaches`` decide when and where to multiply?

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Very good reading.

Take the (right medicine for it!`` ) before (osteoporosis, spondylosis or some such sis gets the worst out of me).

There is not too much time ; and before one realizes, it ia all over.

Sameena,

``And my husband can discuss any topic under the sun with me and not bury his nose behind a newspaper or indulge in a man-to-man talk away from the home.``

One lucky man...is your hubby!

:)

saman:

What say you?

me says no harm in a wash;)

lve,

t