How’s It Gonna Be

...i think the original version is much much much better.

errrmmm.... MUSHY ...maybe TOO MUSHY for my likes...I kinna felt like skipping to the end while reading through. Im sure im not the only one.

sobia, very well written...
i know this might be an article to some people, but seriously, to me it actually happened, well not altogether but yes the complete strangeness with a person i knew so well and who was very special to me is there...and it is sooo sick and painful...one can hardly imagine!
fiz

Howcome the place that both frequented alone many a times, ironically found both with family members around. The plot it appears was made to look so that strangerness could be emphasised. Maybe you could have made it more sensational by filling in some blanks.

In the end you find yourself moon gazing and brooding on the balcony. Thats where the editor got in. It would be worthwhile to ask the chowk editor to explain why he did this. I have a theory for that.

Well written. Please keep writing because you have the talents. Once having written, do not post immediately. Wait for a few days, re read, amend and then post. This way many biases and misplaced emotions are removed.
Cherios

fara: thank you for encouraging me to send in this piece..with everything intact ;)

sameer: if dinner`s on you in cucoo`s, i`ll forego the condition of wearing black :P

PM: thank you for reading and commenting! As for the peela joRa: tum logon ko to mein dekh loon gi..you and `abay` will do ANYTHING for free biryani :)

saman: nothing to worry about, i`m not that scary..i`m sure we`ll be fine when we meet :)

feroz: thanks for listening to me go on and on that day on msn when the article was printed with the ending changed..i think meinay aap ka kaafi dimaagh khaya tha and you were very patient!

savvy:
releived says she, for she`s got closure
releived says HE, atleast SHE`s got closure

hmm...food for thought.

Sobs!
(no pun intented :) )
I`m too much of an unempathetic pig (this week anyway), and not nearly as worthy of literary criticism as abay-sahib would have you believe, so i won`t say comment on the story exept to say it taught me a few things about how well one can expand a few minutes with good writing skills and keen observation/insight.
And oh, as far as the ending goes, I didn`t really notice the change of person from third to first. It seemed to flow quite naturally, the change actaully enhancing the emotive aspect of the read. And maybe that has something to do with how much it clearly mattered to you and what that might have meant, in turn. (Of course, you had every right to be mad even if it didn`t mean what I am suggesting it might have.)

But yes, thanks for inviting me to read a piece I normally wouldn`t have, but feel the richer for having done so. Hope to see more from you.

P-Potty Mouth-M ;)

P.S. How`s is going ... with the peela johRa?

shalwar kameez black and a big black shawl
not flying or running, now slowed to a crawl

dressed all black on a dark dark night
u think he was trying to get outta sight ?

to fade in the background, to keep a low profile
to drift away, not to last more than ``a while``

releived says she, for she`s got closure
releived says HE, atleast SHE`s got closure

Sobia:

I am not disagreeing with the fashions surrounding shalwar-kameez, be it shawl or length of Kameez. My point was its unnecessary officially sponsored promotion in the earlier stages making formal dresses withdrawing in the wake of shalwar-kameez onslaught let loose by the government and religion alliance with conditions for Islam in geopolitics actually much better than now. Once this or any other genie is let loose with religion approval, it becomes impossible to limit its sense-less infiltration into the society.

I recall the time when mullahs made great deal about women looking like men with hair cut and wearing trousers. They used to quote hadiths saying that man and woman should look different when looked from near or far, front or behind. Thes hadiths were more in support of men growing beards than woman looks becasue 1400 years ago in Arabia, women cutting short hair and not covering head etc was not a concern. But here lies the most idiotic paradox of religion and same mullahs supporting shalwar-kameez. The adoption of shalwar-kameez by men is adoption of mostly women culture in effect doing the same anti-hadith thing by man and woman looking same using similar dresses. These people did not like women liberation and wearing trousers by them for similarity to men dresses but happily supported men wearing women dresses for similarity.

I recently wrote an Ilog regarding the rowdy, unruly and casual behavior at functions like ghazal concert or seminars which demand certain civil behavior. Although I laid the blame on larger familiy sizes and experiencing little life without surrounding by children and family-like atmosphere but this culture of shalwar-kameez must also be considered as supportive of rowdy behavior.

I am not at all suggesting you to dislike or disapprove men wearing shalwar-kameez. I have no right to suggest personal choices to you or to anyone. Actually I am not disagreeing with you on this issue. All I know is that I dont have black shalwar-kameez-shawl and my trip to Lahore would be wasted without first getting a suitcase load of black or dark grey colored shalwars, kameezes and shawls :P

Sobia

The article`s ending is much better, because it lacks that sense of closure and the rest, you already know, so I will not repeat it here.

Still congrats! You cannot keep a honest soul caged for too long!

Ciao

sameer, shalwar kameez amongst the young, urban, yuppiesh menis very `in` in Pakistan and I rather think it looks quite yummy ;) Aside from my own feelings though, I have noticed that shalwar kameez in offices does look casual and I believe it should not be allowed..it`s too laidback and doesn`t give a serious workplace kind of feeling. However, as a casual dress, it has made a comeback. A lot of young guys in particular wear it as a fashion statement, rather than a ``jehadi`` uniform..similarly, shawls are plain fashionable..i don`t think it has much to do with Islam or mullahism, to be honest...it`s just fashion! I`m talking about casual dresses, not offices, mind you...I agree that offices should have a uniform dress code...my personal opinion on shawl-wearing, shalwar kameez-wearing (black in particular!) men, however, remains unchanged :P

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This is not a reply to the article but some general observations. The article is a good read and reveals author`s imagination for details of a simple casual encounter. She deserves credit for the ability to expand a one-liner story into a readable typed page or page and a half. Obviously, that is no good for writing poetry which is just the opposite. I hope she stays away from writing poetry and concentrates more versaltile, more popular and more useful writings, the prose.

This post is about shalwar-kameez culture that is really the product of conditions prevailing in Pakistan and surroundings for the past 25-30 years. Author has most likely not witnessed the conditions before this era.

I have strong feelings that it is part of the social changes that took place along with the discovery of Islam since mullah brigade succeeded in declaing Ahmedis non-Muslims, followed by Zia era, Russian involvment in Afghanistan and so on. The shalwar-kameez culture, hijab culture, jihadis, madrassahs, Islamists, fundamentalist roaming and influencing, all went up during this period which has nothing to do with some sudden climate change to warm and humid requiring loose garments more often. Although it does not mean that all shalwar-kameez wearing crowd is rightists, anti-west or fundamentalists but all changes for that political climate have synergical relationship. Rise of one, like capillary action, lifts all boats associated with this phenomenon and vice versa. The addition of shawl is rather new and it suggests that the conditions are still conducive to the political climate that helped these changes in the first place. It hasn`t peaked yet despite all the government level change in Taliban policy, pro-Americanism, western media and culture infiltration, internet and other advanced means of communications etc.

My feeling is that conditions are likely to prevail much longer than the cosmetic changes in Pakistan. It is linked with the poor economy and poor have found it a uselful tool to vent their frustrations while serving Islam and god (in their own mind). The conservative, urban middle and lower middle class male population is really key to this phenominal change in the Pakistani dress during the last 25-30 years. I see no advantage in this culture of dressing up change. The shalwar-kameez pair is not cheap, it takes as much to wash as shirt and pair of pants and takes more time to iron it, hanging them on the hangers is more troublesome and economy of closet space is also in favor of foldable garments. There is another and much bigger drawback in wearing shalwar-Kameez more often.

It lowers the difference between casual and formal. While it does not look any serious matter but psyche attached to it is quite harmful. It decreases the mental preparedness for going to work and having certain manners in workplace and social gatherings. More often people sit with legs open with shalwar-kameez which not only takes more space per person but looks too casual during the hours when responsibility to behave and perform is most demanding. It is just counter to discipline to use shalwar-kameez at workplace and during social gatherings.

Before the onslaught of newly discovered Islam, things in Pakistan were different. Although sherwani clad folks with pyjamas were seen occasionally, most people used shirts and pants with dress shoes. Now it is mostly shalwar-kameez with open shoes. I wonder how terribly underwear industry has suffered this cultural change?

So what is next? From shirt, pair of trousers, shoes to shalwar-kameez, chupples and shawls and perhaps on to caps and beards without moustache. Why have we chosen a path very different than rest of the world? Did they find some early Islamic manuscripts in the form of scrolls in Rawal Dam or Lai nala, which inspired sea changes in the way pakistanis had been dressing up and doing just fine as Pakistanis, as Muslims, as workers and as human beings?

#33
Welcome, Sobi!

I think it would be a great idea to re-write this story, and put it up for discussion here. In doing so, we will also develop a healthy atmosphere for literary critique.

I also think that the editor of the story should come forth and discuss their concerns in a conciliatory atmosphere. They may have a fault in this case, but let`s all please remember that these are the very people who also enable us to be published... allow us to interact with wonderful people... let us mature. A few faults on both sides should not close down the communication for good. Life must turn out for the better and it is us who have the power to do the same. Sobia you are a brave person, you can take the lead with your case and for once (start to) resolve the increasing tension between the community and its managers.

I am certain you and the rest of us who will support you will manage to bring about the much asked-for POSITIVE changes in Chowk.

My request to Chowk staff would be to interact with the people more... and openly. Curiosity is killing the cat!

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Back to literature for literature`s sake:
I will tell two personal `hikayaat` in which there may be useful lessons. And as is the case for a hikayat, there are different meanings in them for different readers. With this in mind...

*** 1. I once wrote a story that was based on the imagery or rain and nature`s powerful forces... the imagery was used to reflect (as is usually the case) the narrator`s own feelings of elevation, of resonance with nature`s wonders, of an electric sensuality. It was beautifully constructed and very detailed in pasteurization. However, at the end of that rather long story (about 3500 words - a lot for a 16yr old writer), the mood suddenly changed. The narrator is pulled out of the imagery but the not-anticipated entrance of a domestic character... and the narrator simply leaves the scene in a shock and exits.

My English teacher who had been writing ``Good! Good!`` throughout the checking of the story circled the end and remarked: Abrupt ending! See me!
~~~ now ideally my hikayat should end here, but it is more relevant if I tell you that not only the scene suddenly turned from the ecstatic to angry, and the characters left in a hurry (as if the writer didn`t know what else to do with them - which was the case, I admit), but also the tenses and the writing style shifted. Years of `taming` by teachers in spite of my endless protests and jealous possession of `my thoughts` have improved my writing considerably.

I re-wrote that story several times.... but could never end it properly. It is still dear to me, but unfit for publication.

*** 2. In 9th grade, I achieved a minor reputation as the writer whose poems/prose made it to the school creative notice board. Thanks to this credibility in the community of few innocent followers, I was brought a poem for correction by a class-fellow. I saw the sense of it, but the English was terrible even by my flawed standards. So I re-wrote most of it.

He was awe-struck and took the poem to the very able literature teacher. I proudly accompanied the poem and the poor poet. I was looking forward to the applause of the literature teacher for my more lyrical and lucid style, and impeccable diction.

She quietly read the original and red-marked a few grammatical errors. When i tried to speak up about my own version, she, not looking at me at all, waved a dismissive hand and said, ``No, this is okay. That change is not required. Tum kyoon change kar-rahi ho? Let him write and keep his poem.``

Years have passed since, but that scene never leaves me, and I have kept repeating it my mind to learn the value of letting someone express their creativity.

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Thanks and regards to all.

Oops! Read my latst post with these corrections:

``*** 1. I once wrote a story that was based on the imagery of rain and nature`s powerful forces... the imagery was used to reflect (as is usually the case) the narrator`s own feelings of elevation, of resonance with nature`s wonders, of an electric sensuality. It was beautifully constructed and very detailed in picturization.``

New lesson: be discerning when writing in a word editor. :-|

Sobia,
Now you`ve got me thinking: How`s it gonna be when we cross our paths in the future!
I am worried!
And yes, your version is closer home. The edited version was quite abrupt, the ending I mean.
Regards.

flyhighkites, thanks...that was very helpful! I`ll keep this in mind when I write something next time..appreciate you taking out the time to critically analyse my piece :)