How’s It Gonna Be

saminasha

Nothing is perfect. Even Les Miserable can be re-written better than it is but then it wont be Hugo. I think writers are very possessive - they burn like the inferno of a jealous wife and yet their hearts are as gentle as sparrows - timid and weak. We must respect their weakness cuz that is their greatest strength also.

sobia: absolutely love what youve written. the best thing i liked about it is the fact that its very true. when i read it, felt like de ja vu. aplicable to most of us. i think we can all relate to the article in one form or the other.

your description of events is wonderful.

chowkstaff: i honestly didnot like the edited version at all. the originally written, last paragraph is much better.

If I may:

The story is familiar - as Rakaposh said on the related iLog - to `dil walas`. A familiar, light theme such as this is refreshing... I also like the lyrical sound of the story. At that count I`ll say that Sobia`s original ending fares much better than the editied version.

And now to comment on the story itself:
Yet, there is a great need of structual improvement in the story. I wish the imagery and the setting were more developed. Also, the characters need to come out stronger. What is this man`s family all about? Don`t they know the female protagonist? Is he married now? Why is he wearing a shawl which seems more to be a symbol of his insecure depression?... At least as a reader, I would depend on all the classical signs.

What does the man feel for her? He looked at her cursorily towards the end of the prose, but this is only in the passing. ``She`` is also not paying much attention to him, rather the food and the restaurant perhaps prevails more. she is also not able to clarify her own feelings - for the reader. Is her heart ``aching?`` Is parting a sweet pain for her? Has it all dissipated (most likely). From the tone of the story, the feelings seems dissipated and gone already. How come the `official confirmation` is coming now?

I know in a story we do not always need to give the chronology of past events or outline the future. But in that case, the imageries, the body language of the characters - the details... give the entire context themselves.

By the `development` of the characters, I also do not mean more drama or anything. The man in the story could have a shallow personality, easily forgetful of a past liaison... but his characterization must be strong.

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BTW, a story is not always judged on its theme alone. There are considerations of style, structure, flow... that are important. This is how stories are judged. And writing style is what makes Romeo & Juliet, or Heer different from the million other stories that each of us could tell. Better stories, perhaps... but not better written.

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The writer must keep writing because she seems passionate about her work. With a little training of the essentials, her energy can be channelized to producing better work.

Thanks.

Oh, BTW, read ``Hills Like White Elephants`` by Hemingway.

Urstruly,

I have a different understanding of editing..and the kind of editing experience the writer of this piece (in addition to other Chowk writers) is in keeping with the practices of editing and producing...while I understand Sobia`s position here (and Chowk eds should discuss editing matters with their contributors).

In another vein, I`ve been studying Shakepeare`s plays and sonnets and the debate over their creation, productions and reproductions. I would posit the idea that historically, writers had little control over how their text was reproduced, etc. Perhaps we can look at this episode as Sobia`s encounter with this dynamic?

Saminasha

Only a writer knows the labor pains of creative writing. That is the reason, even Idi Amin`s mother called her son `mera chaand`.

Mentoring should be a riching experience and not a depriving one. I thing it was a bad judgement on chowk staff`s part.

Sobia,

A quiet descriptive piece. I see the merits of both versions. I guess that the male character`s gaze at the female character is an important idea...but I also think that the edited version moves more quickly than the original. If you were inclined to revise this piece, you could add that passage and experiment with editing?

rozi: yes, she had tava chicken and it was delicious as usual :)

sameer: thank you..always..for making me realize that we all learn from mistakes

Urstruly: yeah,that was my point exactly. I would`ve preferred it if I had been consulted. Afterall, it wasn`t a grammatical error that was being fixed; it was the entire ending.

PM: Parh ke batana...want to know what you think of it!

khammy: thanks for forcing yourself to read my story..hehe..i appreciate the effort..if i hadn`t created such a hue and cry on Unplugged, perhaps you wouldn`t have bothered. When you say the central idea remains the same despite the editing, i would have to disagree..because the central idea is the realization that this non-acknolwdgment is indeed a closure..a painful closure, but a closure all the same...`pained` and `relieved` just don`t describe it, i guess.

faiza, thank you for appreciating the story...the sha`yr is lovely..

sadna: thanks for your comments...i wish every story in life had a happy ending, but i guess if that happened we wouldn`t be able to appreciate the real happiness that we sometimes find later in life, which becomes all the more precious because we have experienced something so painful before.

Minhaj: thank you :)

Rakaposhu: kabhi kabhi yeh keh kar hee apna dil behla leina chahiyey ke yeh sab to fictional hai, mein to involved nahi, they`re just words...even if it`s not true. Thank you for reading.

malik99: i hope i didn`t depress you too much..and i hope you`re happy with the choices you made because ultimately we all have to move on..the best results are when you look back and you don`t regret anything...you can`t help feeling pain, but if you don`t think you were wrong, then eventually you`ll be okay again. Thank you for liking it.

noor: when i was writing the story, to be honest i was not even thinking of the finer details of what would look better..i was just writing..the words were flowing and i was quickly typing away. The switch from third to first person was realized after i finished writing the story and i felt that it would not create much of a problem because in a way, people who have experienced something like this will automatically find themselves relating to it and those who haven`t experienced it might just go with the flow and sympathize/empathize with the protagonist. Perhaps to some the switch is ``awkward`` but i don`t wish to change it..i like it the way it is and if some people don`t, then i guess i`ll just have to accept it :)

re: changes made by chowk, i really think chowk staff, when making major changes, should consult the author. They usually even let grammatical mistakes slip through but they make it a point to change the entire ending of a story because THEY don`t agree with it. Anyway, it`s good of them to re-print the article, I appreciate it.

sobia.
nice. and yes, the original does read better. i don`t see how the first person switch is problematic quite honestly, but this begs a question. .

would it have changed the sense of what you were trying to convey if you had put the first person part in a new paragraph? the way i`m reading this, the first person is someone who is watching this whole scene unfold and reflecting on her own failed romance, kinda like a person looking from the outside in. . .do you think it would have been more powerful? am curious.

having said that. . .

being an infrequent contributor to chowk myself, it does concern me that the editorial staff reserved its right to change (not just edit) a story without letting the writer know. i understand that chowk does not have adequate resources, and that it is a `labor of love` on the part of the `real` staff and volunteers. . .which may or may not be evident to quite a few readers here. but if it is indeed a labor of love, then just saying chowk staff reserves the right to make changes to submitted articles should only be done in terms of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes (which isn`t always done). if there are more serious changes. . .such as one that changes the essence of what a writer was trying to convey then perhaps the particular editor could get in touch with the writer and let him or her know.
i understand it takes a lot for chowk staffwallahs to maintain this rowdy community, and we wouldn`t want you to think it is not appreciated.

thank you to the chowk staff for restoring the original. . .
and thank you sobia : )
ana

sobia,
it may be fictional for you but somehow I am sure the situtaion is very familiar for most of us.. ( dil walay )...
and yes I agree your ending was better..

chowk`s ending..` she felt pained. And relieved` didnt fit in at all...
infact they should remove their version altogether.

Sobia - Your article meant more to me than you can ever imagine. Indeed the ORIGINAL last paragraph was very profound. How much I can relate to it! Flood of memories came back to haunt me.

Thanks to your article, it will be a subdued evening today; the regrets and pain of more than 7 years ago will be relived again.

If it weren`t for Robert Frost, I would not know how to justify my decisions of long ago:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Urstruly:19
I know what you are referring to but then by this time we should reconcile to this.
In Farsi , or to be exact in Pehalvi, you know how they say Baad-Shah. Now we used to giggle as kids at this. Unknown was to us that our farsi speaker laughed at us also for exactly the same reason. Baad is air in farsi/pehelvi.

Now this drama doesn`t end here. Later I learned that the name for natural-gas in Iran is RiaH. So Mr. Ryaahi, the great oil-tycoon, when first introduced himself to me, I could barely retain my poise.

The `RRay sound , I think, is not strictly hindi but has its root in DRRavari and/or maharrashtri and brohi. The aboriginal sounds of India.

Just conjecture here.

I loved your story Sobia. Social awkwardness, tasty food, romance and a sad song. The Stars are out, the Naan is smoking, the night is chilly and hearts are breaking. Its all here.

Echoboom:

What the hell does `moonh phiraakar palaT paDenge` means in the following shair.

IMO, chowk should not have edited without permission and needs to now remove the edited version. The original reads better.

There was a Sahir Ludhianvi song sung by Suman Kalyanpur.

`Kabhi milenge jo raasthe me
Tho moonh phiraakar palaT paDenge
Kabhi sunengey joh naam teraa
Tho chup rahenge nazar jhukaake`

Also reminded me of `Persuasion` , which btw had a happy ending :).

Hello Sobia Sahiba
Hope you are doing well. Oh the original ending is far much powerful then the edited version. I realize chowk staff has the right to edit before publication but they should really minimize this use. Anyways, plain language added to the emotional upheavel. Nice piece. It reminds me of this sheyr, not sure who the poet is

Guzar giya jo zamana usay bhula bhi do
jo naqsh ban nahin sakta usay mita bhi do