Talk to Your Wife

seems a bit condescending cos of the allusions to the nature of women. the PMS addition is the ever-used phrase of man to show the irritability of woman. very cliche

Saman, etc.

I`ve started a poem called In Praise of the Good Husband...and if I`m feeling treacly enough, will post it...please start scheduling appts with your dentists and fitness trainers. ;)

Recipe for a successful marriage!


1. Sleep together often… as often as you can…Don’t worry about the time of the month…just do it.
2. If you can’t have sex often due to other relations, kids etc… Grope, grope, and grope whenever you can- works wonders.
3. Somebody said something about lotions etc. Facials are good. Do as many facials as you can.
4. If you have problems-due to alcohol, excessive smoking and just plain old age- don’t be too shy. See your doctor get the Rx…all three work well.

Do you realize you are wasting your time writing poems? If spouse is not cooperative, find another one there is no legal or moral bound with a non cooperating spouse. If the objecting spouse is a she, ask her to see the doctor immediately... there are medicines for her too…

Never forget advice number 1.

Conversation is highly overrated as a means of resolving problems. Which makes one wonder what we are all doing here. Also, there is a fine line between conversation (which CAN be interesting), and blabbering (which is ALWAYS annoying). So, here`s my advice: understand your wife. Only by understanding her psyche inside and out can you ever hope to manipulate her to your satisfaction.

Regards,
Irfan Hamid.

PS: I`m single, so don`t take what I say on married life too seriously. In short, I don`t know jack about it. But I do know that this was one aweful poem.

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i got this in my email from a friend and i guess its more amusing than mr. sriram`s scribbling:

* If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
.........buy a dog.

* If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it ........buy a dog.

* If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .........buy a dog.

* If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn`t give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies .....buy a dog.

* If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom yo u can push off if he snores ......buy a dog.

* If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn`t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually....... buy a dog.

* But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then my friend ........buy a cat.

(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)

Ref Urstruly#1

[chowk staff

what did we do to deserve this.]

Look in the mirror for an answer.

what is everyone grumbling about...this is brilliant!

and so is saminashas rebuttal

thanks for all the feedback

I am not a poet and have no literary pretensions; this came in a stream of consciousness mode and says what it means and means what it says (ixno).. it was not edited at all (first draft) and I left it at that to provide that raw, untreated feel (jang). If it is not upto chowk standards, so be it (farhan, sobia, urstruly).

this will make the most sense to (some subset of) married men. particularly those marriages that have gone into ``silent`` mode and the spouses are mutually dead.

if you read and reflect something maybe something will resonate.. if not, maybe you haven`t yet had the relevant experiences

if you hate it, it probably relates to either your literary values (ahmedm) or life values (or both).

saminasha: I dont know about face cream but I wholeheartedly recommend oil of olay beauty fluid. I got this tip from a fellow grad student years ago who got the tip from his sister.

flyhighkites: yes, there is an article in here but I dont want to give chowk a serious case of indigestion.

Here I am!
Raka though, I believe is busy in a surgery.
:)

Now, here`s my take:

Its 8:29 AM
I am wide awake
and I`ve just reached office
while he`s still at the orifice
This hardware dude
is now my only muse

I didn`t marry `him` for his intelligence
for it is true that brawn is dumb
his form is no longer comforting
let alone alluring
Hell! these concepts are true, pal!
Just talk to `him`, that`s all

More laters!

Samina:

That`s sweet.

Sriram:

Mocking reality, I guess.

For some odd reason, most wives want their husbands to talk to them - just talk to them:

It could be rubbish, repetitive, mundane, unnecessary or whatever. Maybe it is an exercise to regularly get the innards of the husband`s thinking - to keep on anaylysing & assessing as to what he is upto.

Whereas most husband`s desire minimum superfluous talk from their wives.

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Where`s Saman and Raka anyway? Lets share the love! :)

He`s left his socks
all over the floor
and called you up
requesting more

the love may be hard to find
but talk to your husband

You`ve both come in
at seven thirty
the sinked dishes
he describes as ``dirty``
grabbing the remote
not bothering with ``flirty``

side glances. oh yes. the love is hard to find
but talk to your husband.

He yells and pouts and needs to be
fed
His clothes need cleaning,
fresh sheets on the bed,
ohm it away, wave peppermint
around your head

yes god, I`m sure the love is there
and I`ll talk to my husband

You`ve bought him those shirts
so he looks over thirteen
you`ve wisely steered him from velveteen
You`ve even let him use your face cream

uh, god, is goddess around?
the love? why dont YOU talk to my husband?

Reading through this was such a torturous experience! I guess this is our punishment for not submitting enough poems to chowk. Simply awful!

Good advice and finally a poem one can understand without having to read between the lines.

very raw and untreated, and no style at all. i like it. but, can i talk to someone else instead?

Dear Sriram: You seem to have a message that seemed to also be a promising poem when I read the intro page. However, having read this, I feel: ummmmm.... may be it needs more focus, and definitely a better writing style. Even free verse needs to be lyrical in a way, and this just doesn`t cut it.

Pruning might help. ALso: why not try developing this into a regular article, perhaps? With more focus. (I feel you are talking about too many situations at once.)

Thanks.

was....that....did it......really???? so somebody really wrote this. wow....... i dont really understand poems but i just hated the talk to your wife part all the time. later.

i`m dumbfounded.

chowk staff

what did we do to deserve this.