A Suitable Boy

#39 #36

I forgot to mention Nyda…

The poor Nani Jan of #34 still misses her old flame. She keeps tabs on him and tells the story on the chowk so he can read it too. We will soon hear some nasty stories of lovers’ quarrels again.

And you little girl Nyda,
Stop playing games with boys. They will be nasty when they get the opportunity to “Dunk”…Like the dunk in Urdu. Nine months is a long time to regret….

there used to be a guy in college...we all called him duddoo.....err..because he looked like a chota sa duddoo..

later after we all graduated and came to USA....one of my friend sends me the picture of guess who...?
yes duddoo...
saying aray nahi yaar vo ab buhat acha ho gaya hai. He wears nice clothes. He can talk now...do consider him.

and I am like khud tau hero sai shadi kar li aur mujhay duddoo ka rishta dai rehi hai...
sali...

Raka `shallow and vain` Posh !

hehe stone hearted! i`ve been called worse

Thanks for writing this nyda.

I have just one more comment to make: You stonehearted cruel women.

hey Nyds ..

today i was browsing through my collection of articles ...
and i came across this one .. light hearted and quite similar to urz ..

Prince Uncharmings

By Rabia Alavi

Rabia Alavi

wonders where all the young men have gone?

``I fail to understand the point of feeding 500 of my relatives, when they can well afford to eat at their homes, while one-third of Pakistan`s population goes hungry!`` he said. This was Marwan, arguing with me about the demerits of a big wedding and we were yet to be properly engaged.

Marwan was here to visit his parents and, upon setting his eyes on me, had decided that I would be an `appropriate` bride for him. But I realised soon enough that my `suitability` had more to do with my being fair, tall, and yes, well, pretty, than my brains, or my ability to have a fairly decent conversation with people on more substantial issues than clothes and jewellery.

Both sets of our parents were receptive to the idea of our getting to know each other a little more before we got into a formal agreement. And that is where the trouble began.

Having spent more than 10 years in the United States, he was bursting to the brim with confidence - or should I say over-confidence.He was used to living in the `land of the free`, where people did what they wanted. In his eyes, there could be no fault in what I saw to be the selfish, self-centred, individualistic lifestyle of Americans, and ABCDs -for that is what he had become.

When he went to the US, right after school, he left with many dreams, one of the most vital ones of which was to come back to Pakistan and do something for its betterment. He had come back with the same aspirations, even though now he was less certain as to when he would actually move back for good. (Never, I should think). Unfortunately, he had also come back as one of the strongest critics of Pakistan. If it was just the cronyism, corruption and the narrow interests of politicians triumphing over the more vital national interests that got on his nerves, it would be fine. If it was the education system that he wanted to revamp, I would have loved to hear his ideas. If he wanted to eradicate the feudal system that has plagued the rural sector of our society for its 54 years of existence, I would have agreed with him whole-heartedly.

But he didn`t like anything about Pakistan. There were things that were wrong with our culture, there were things wrong with our values, and then there were things wrong with our religious interpretations. We didn`t pray in the right way, we were extravagant, and we were just too involved in each other`s lives. He hated the `extended family` that was always around, and the countless weddings, and funerals that he had to go to, because so-and-so was his father`s third cousin`s son.And I was just a dingbat - a silly girl, with too many ideals, but very little sense. Each time I tried to have a serious conversation with him about world affairs, he wouldn`t even get uncomfortable about the fact that I knew so much, because these things didn`t matter.

What was surprising was the fact that his rhetoric had become strangely familiar to me. All my friends who had had the privilege of an American education - those who had spent a few years there - had come back with similar thoughts. They had all become critics, and nothing about their home country was right any more.

``What is it about living in America that makes all of you ABCDs so critical about Pakistan?`` I asked Marwan one day.

``There is nothing wrong with saying the milk is sour, if it is.`` I think what he meant was that he ``would say what he pleased,`` and that he didn`t just want to be rude. But no, that couldn`t have been the reason, because his assertiveness - especially in front of elders, always made him sound both rude and arrogant. I was forever apologetic or simply embarrassed because I felt that he was crossing the limits much too often with people who deserved a bit of respect, if for no other reason, then merely because they were thrice our age.

And then, I really don`t like to see the youth of our country think that `not taking things at face value` means finding faults with the mores, norms and values that have existed for so long. And to think that my soon-to-be husband held these beliefs. Now that was too much!

I tried to change him, told him about my aspirations, tried to make him see why family was important. But then we started getting into arguments. And finally, one day, he decided that marriage, and a commitment were too much for him. We were just not developing an understanding, and a day before his parents were coming in with a formal proposal, he called the whole thing off.

And then expected me to remain on talking terms with him. He didn`t see anything wrong in saying `no` at the last moment, and he wasn`t just saying it because he lived in a society where no relationship `had to` last forever.

How did he expect me to remain a `good friend`, when we had already gone past that stage? We were talking about marriage and in fact, he had even said that he would prefer a nikaah, rather than an engagement.

Now, all of a sudden, our relationship had to regress. From being more than friends, I had to accept him as `just a friend`.From planning to spend the rest of my life with him, I had to meet his expectation of my assistance in his search for a `suitable` bride.

Neither my parents, nor myself - even though I pride myself as beinga fairly liberal person, whose open views have often invited trouble -could accept this approach, and I stopped talking to him.

Three weeks later, I heard that Marwan had gone back to the US, without an engagement ring on his finger. When I cooled off a little, I thought about all that had happened, and wondered: what was Marwan looking for that he just couldn`t find?

And I came to the conclusion that he was just not ready for marriage. Long-term commitment was way too much responsibility for him and he was more interested in a relationship with no strings attached. And then, the idea that his wife was just as smart, or, God forbid, smarter, must have given him the jitters. I understood this because many of my male friends thought on the same lines. He was scared of losing his independence and his `self` and this was not an ABCD trait, but a fear that prevails in half the men I know.

And I realised that whenever Marwan did get married, it would be a forced move, rather than a commitment made for love - the need to have and hold on to someone for the rest of his life. I thank God that I didn`t get stuck with such an unwilling life partner, and pray that all eligible females manage to stay away from the likes of him.

Still, sometimes I wonder whether I am rightly idealistic or simply silly in regarding people and practices the way I do. After all so many girls do tie the knot with whichever `eligible` male comes their way without too much fuss or mental confusion. How do their marriages click, and why shouldn`t have mine for that matter? Perhaps Marwan may not have been as awful as I imagined him to be, and we might have gone on to live happily everafter if only I had been a little more submissive and a little less idealistic.

Perhaps. But, more likely, I might have found it impossible ever to switch to his emotional wavelength, knowing myself as well as I do and knowing too his true self after my few encounters with him. I find it hard to believe that there exists in the same world that I inhabit so many young men like Marwan who cannot appreciate me for who I am. I do not expect them to fall in love with me, which many of them probably do, literally at `first sight`, but I do expect at least a few of them to treasure my company for, if nothing else, my painstaking efforts to stand on my own two feet, my not inconsiderable academic achievements and, most of all, for the values and principles that my family and I hold dear.

I am not asking them to behave the way that men genuinely in love do: what others see as drawbacks, men in love see as reason to be extra caring; what others see as family baggage, they see as all extension of their love interest; what others see as a threat, they see as something to take pride in. I admit it is unfair of me to expect men who take the route of arranged marriage, with all its unstated quid pro quos, to also demonstrate the sensitivity of a romantic film hero. The two families are, after all, in this to make sure that they are getting the best `deal` for their respective `goods`. So why shouldn`t considerations like mutual respect and affection come lowest in the order of priorities?

Yet I do not give up hope that there waits in some corner of this planet a man cut out for me, who will neither proclaim his love for me overnight nor dither over the terms, but convey to me his unspoken message that he cherishes me for all the things that I want him to see in me. He may not appear in the shape and form that my family would prefer him to be, but I only hope and pray that he does. I understand that artificial barriers of faith, race, age, colour and social background stand in the way of a meeting of like minds. Indeed, had this not been the case, today I would not have been putting up with the humiliation of going out with men like Marwan, to be `checked out` like some commodity and to suffer the ensuing agony in silence. I know Mr Right is somewhere out there. God willing, he will find me.

more fish in the pond indeed but as a friend of mine once said `who wants fish?` hehe not playing with a full deck, this friend of mine. anyway another prospective suitor might be stopping by soon so let`s see if this one makes the cut

The entire discussion here reminds me of those rich, well to do British families in Jane Austen`s wonderful period satire, `Sense and Sensibility`, and indeed, most of her other works.

Marriage used to be an obsession for women in those times because a) it meant starting off on a widely tangential relationship with someone new (apart from their immediate family) and b) women were viewed as baby producing assembly line equipment to restore or continue family heritage.

Nyda, as a female, this Eastern curse is not just yours do endure; we men must be at the receiving end of terrible suggestions from relatives (what a scary word!.....shudder) and loved ones (another misnomer) alike.

Remember, everything happens for a reason! You rejected him, that has happened. Don`t try to find a reason, move on........there are other fish in the pond!

Nyda

I am glad you told the arrogant prospective bridegroom to get lost. Desis are terrified of ``their`` women exercising their own free will and choosing a marriage partner for themselves...it represents a woman exercising dominion over their own life and sexuality and as such stupefies those that believe that a girl/woman is a chattel, like a goat, who is to be tied to a pole and led to the salughter at the choice of abbatoir of their families preference.

Best of luck

:-)

hehe jhonny bravo, u watch the cartoon and still dont know girls hate being called hot lil mama? u male chauvanist pig u! * grin* it`s guys like u who use the jhonny bravos of the world as role models who piss us girls off! and hey zahra woman thnx for the pep talk! i dont need to defend my decision! and u guys have no right to say i was wrong! like oosh said how about u marrying the fat guy while i wait for my brad pitt look alike and calling it even? let`s make that mathew perry look alike coz hes absolutely delicious looking! *sigh*
anyway get off my back!

Well, nature had something in the air. As I was writing my said episode, turned out aunty jaan was trying to reach her dear niece. Well, caller id had to be given a quick look and smile and aunto`s call will be returned next week :)

#36:

That`s so sweet!

Thank you for adding some spice on this board.

nyda: this was quite funny. heh! but i personally dont think there`s anything wrong with you rejecting a proposal on the basis of you not liking him physically. afterall its your entire life that you hopefully plan to spend with this guy. but one thing is for sure, dont ever let this `has to be a hunk and nothing less` factor over ride everything else. its as basic as one can get. without making this sound like a lecture...im sure you know there are other more important things you need to consider.

what i do hoewever detest is the fact that the prospects` mother/father/sister/bhabi/etc. get to reject/accept you as well. hell! larkey ki maan ko gora rang chahye. larkey ki behan ko lamba qad. larkey key abba ko parhi lakhi. and finally the larka comes in and says...next please!

Nyda,

Yeah! Listen to these Nani Jans and Dadi Jans giving you advice from the nostalgic past. I didn’t marry him ‘cos “I always took him as friend” mumbo jumbo. But Nani jan keeps full track of his life including being the baby sitter to his kids with a foreign wife- Damn! Just who is foreign in the US?

Get real. Nani Jan is right in one area though, no matter where you are –US or the Pakiland or in other provinces like Canada or Britain- be prepared to do what your family asks you to do with reason or elope!!!!

Otherwise you will be another Nani Jan advising little girls about “he-was-my-childhood-buddy” But-he-did-not-marry-me!!!!

…And yeah don’t forget the “Hell yeah” Dadi Jan too!!!!!

Hell yeah.

Nyda:

As I said earlier, the article should have said, ``An Unsuitable Boy`` and that implied in simple terms that the man was unsuitable for you. Now whether his sister shows you his engagement pictures or pictures in Paris with his wife, move on and don`t think about the man twice. This is a guilt trip our society likes to play vs. moving ahead.

This is nothing new and probably happens in each and every home. One of my dear aunts, who along with her whole family had their eyes set on me since my college and engineering days was extremely disappointed when I did not reciprocate the interest that they were bestowing upon me. Way back, my mother was slightly under pressure since my aunt was my mother`s favorite older sister and they were colleagues at work as well. My cousin happened to be my childhood friend and we grew up together. We always did our summer homework together. Also, he did very well academically and is a brilliant guy. And, the whole family used to always place us in the same category while we were growing up. Both of us were hardworking and ambitious and always on our toes. But he was my childhood buddy and is still a good friend. But I could never imagine marrying him. Period. One of the main reasons was too much intereference by his family and the joint family system. Even he came abroad at a very young age for higher studies, but still it was a joint family system that I was and am strictly averse to. My father knew me very well and always stood by me and stood up for me. So, I had nothing to worry about there. My aunt, a very well read and intellectual woman, is settled here in the US and still loves me and has probably not forgiven me as well. We always get into heated discussions and she always listens to my perspectives which are most of the times totally opposite to hers. I still love to raise my points loud and clear. Sometimes I also add that she never had a daughter therefore she cannot understand certain things. I do not know if I am cent percent right there but knowing her I think I was. What can you do? :) You move on. My cousin`s non-pakistani wife and I are fairly good friends. And, I always take gifts for his sons whenever we meet both in Pakistan or in California. We talk very regularly and that`s it. Past is past. There is a future that lies ahead.

I do not know why do you want a validation that you made a right decision. Take the gender out of this picture. You are a human being and you are entitled to leading your life with someone of your choice. But you may have to talk to your parents very openly about your mindset. Many times there is a wide generation gap and parents cannot understand certain things. You have to invest that time in order to make yourself understandable in a reasonable and rational manner.

On another note, some of my friends who are born and bred in america and canada are professionally brilliant but when it comes to the aspect of marriage they end up going through a tignee kaa naach by their families. You know why. It`s nothing to do with the traditional BS , it`s because a muslim woman has more challenges when it comes to the point of marriage. A hypocrite muslim man may have a mexican girlfriend, since she can be a christian or a jewish woman and that`s permissible for the man whether he marries or does not is insignificant but a woman has to go through the whole process of conversion to legitimize her relationship - disgustingly hypocrite and screwed up society!

One friend was lured to meet a loser in Pakistan who was chosen by my friend`s screwed up, backward and filthy rich relatives (businessmen). Turned out that she questioned the guy on a few things and he gave very absurd responses. He was neither settled in life nor was at any place. But the relatives were probably conducting a business transaction to get him sponsored by my friend. The guy`s sister was quite upset on the fact that his responses ticked off my friend. My friend`s parents were sitting in another part of the world and were awaiting to here from their daughter on her feedback. At the end, she called them up and asked them not to make the effort to come to Pakistan since the guy was not worth making that whole long international trip. She is a very close friend of mine. When she got back, I asked her only one question,`` Were you in your right mind to make this across the Atlantic Trip to meet someone you did not even talk to properly and you were not even convinced that he was worth taking the plunge?``

``Zahra, I had wanted to ask him some very upfront questions. But I was told by my sister-in-law who has come from Pakistan that women should not ask too many questions.`` she explained in a very simple and honest way. By the way, the sister in law had a love marriage where the guy(my friend`s brother) did not even ask his parent`s consent and just proposed this girl and got his nikaah done. Talking about more hypocrisy! Depressing.

``Who was getting married?`` I asked her.

``As soon as I landed in Pakistan, the very thought kicked me real bad.`` she added.

``But as soon as I talked to him and saw my relatives` leanings, I woke up.`` she added.

My friend is back to her up and running singlehood continuing with her phd and mountain biking at the same time. My all time suggestion to her is to marry either a canadian or a european and don`t ever make the mistake of checking out someone back in Pakistan since she is least aware of the games that are played there to entice qualified young women who may be better than 100,000 men.

Well, sometimes in your life, you have to go through certain experiences in order to define what is that you want and what`s important to you and what is something you will have to stand up for. You had to go through this experience to mature. And, you should continue reviewing all the guys who you run into over the course of your future life and weigh the pros and cons. It`s a very worthwhile effort!

Best Wishes :)

I trust thats a true story...and applause for standing up and kicking out the lard ass...if you had mentioned his arrogance and his mexican girlfriend(read 24 hour whore)..i think some of the oh-so-sensitive people would not have shown their sensitivity to your rejection on the basis of physical appearance...atleast this fatso doesnt deserve any sympathy...
theres a saying back where i come from `hik tay kojha,utton samnay baitha``...meaning `one;hes ugly..and on top of that hes sitting infront of me``...
Who wants that for the rest of ones life?
Anyone..?
A round of applause for babelicious....
Speaking of nicks....Hi there pretty little mama!(for those not in touch with cartoon network...thats johnny bravvos pick up line)...
Hows about me and you hookin` up ;-)
Please dont hit with me with pepper spray....l