A Suitable Boy

Hi Nyda,
In a relationship, looks are important but only to a certain extent. As long as the person is above a certain threshold of physical looks, what really matters is their personality and intelligence. This is particularly true for long-term relationships. The physical chemistry tends to decrease over time in any relationship and what keeps things going is the mental and intellectual connection.
In my case, I have always been attracted to girls who are smarter and more intelligent than me and have a outgoing personality. As far as looks are concerned, as long as they are above a reasonable thresold, it is okay. They don`t need to look like supermodels. Believe me, the pleasure of interacting with someone who is intelligent with an outgoing personality is truly a stimulating experience. In contrast I have met many beautiful girls who are so boring that they would drive you to sleep. I am glad that you rejected the fatso, but keep the above in mind as you look for your partner. Good luck !!

hey nyda,

ofcource you didnt did anything wrong .. not even morally .. i have heard this hadiths sometime back i dont remember the exact names of the sahabis involved but there was this women whoes parents wanted her to be married to someone she didnt wanted to
so they took her to Hazoor (p.b.u.h) to convince her.

When Hazoor (p.b.u.h) asked her why you dont want to get married to this guy she gave simple reason that i am so pretty my self and he dosent suits with me or probably i dont like his face ..

and Hazoor (p.b.u.h) didnt said another word to convince her after tht and asked her parents to stop pressuring her to get married to someone against her will.

Once i asked zeejah.. wat one should look in another person..
and she said smilingly ... well it depends what you are looking them for ..

So if you are looking for someone to get married too .. ofcource one should be
physically attracted to tht person ..

Its as important as that he should be good natured and successfull ..

peace ...

p.s are you from karachi ??

hehe faiza if u werent a girl i cud love u!

I would just say that it`s perfectly ok to reject a rishta on whatever grounds... cos that`s y it`s called a proposal and not an imposition...
for all of you who have this Holier than thou attitude, I would just like to say that everyone is free to make a choice.. and not everyone can live by YOUR standards.. whatever they might be... so how about u marry a fat nice guy and let Nyda marry a Mr. Brad Pitt nice guy and we`ll call it even...

Hello Nyda Sahiba
Well this was about your personal life then:) I think I was being quite hypocritical earlier when I said to look beyond physical appearences because I have been turning down potential suitors since I turned 15. And now 6 yrs later, after my first rejection by an ``amma ka pappo`` I realized the beauty I took so much pride in is indeed relative and not absolute.
You have every right to marry someone whom you are physically attracted to and not someone whom you might find repulsive. I think we are probably in the same age group (early twenties?) so you really dont have much to fret about. And marriage isnt the only purpose of life for women, no matter how much your khala, momani, phoopi, mehelley ki aurtein tell you that it is. To all those who find it their obligation to inquire after a gril`s marital status, BACK OFF. The whole hoor for langoor ritual of desi society is disgusting. Girls, power yourself with education and be assertive so you are not treated like the qurbani ki bakri that everyone likes to investigate inside out. BABELICIOUS, interesting nick:) make good use of it;)
As far as the marriage issue is concerned, desi aunties remind me of this quote of Hugo from Les Miserables, ``There is no business ppl are more avidly curious about than that which doesn`t concern them.`` Nosy ppl, what are we going to do with them????

solitude: //After our society rejects people based on ``gori ladki`` and all that nonsense by the men, it is somehow superficial and WRONG for women to want a healthy , ahtletic YOUNG man for a husband? //

Hmm...yeh to hai..you`re right there!

you did the right thing by saying `no` but you need to change your mentality...... marriage is not the ultimate destination for a woman, but a desire to be with someone for the rest of your life.... until you feel that way, nothing and no one, including yourself, should force this life altering decision on you.

in the meantime, make something of yourself, be an independent soul. you don`t have to leave your family as someone here suggested..... you can never leave your family because they are the only people in this world who will genuinely love you forever, and if you can have them understand you, they will help you become an independent, new age woman

The paradox of Pakistani society today: Men are fine if they are bald/fat/ugly/whatever BUT for a woman to be considered for marriage she must be skinny-but not too skinny, light-skinned but with rosy cheeks, smiling without any issue in her life and willing to submit to an unattractive guy?? PLEASE MEN, we have opinions too.. if we have to prep ourselves, go join a gym yourself..

As for the rishtay abroad being better? Trust me, its all the same. Until your heart is set, there is no point in giving in to the pressures.

One Love.

A very photographic discussion going on here.

ok let me put some things straight first
though i`d only seen the picture but since they were family friends i HAD met the guy when we were younger so i had an idea what he looked like and also that he was as fat as the rest of the family. secondly i did chat with him a couple of times and for such a fat guy he was a pompous ass! he kept telling me i looked like his mexican gf! i mean my God! rather than be jealous i was baffled by the fact that any girl in her right mind would want him for a bf!

One factor people overlook is the quality of the photo (nyda`s scenario not withstanding).
Some photos are extremely poor and make a good looking man/woman average or even
below average. I cringe everytime some auntie forwards me a picture of a larki .
Most of the time they are better looking in person than their photo.

I don`t email my picture to anyone either. I just ask for the email address (of the recipient)
from the go-between person, and then send a picture of a model with the following
inscriptions:

My aunt xyz asked me to send you a picture. :) Please don`t hold my looks against me.

Sincerely,

EdgeNRidge.

you people need to get off ur high horse! i admit i`m not perfect but what makes me deserve a really fat guy? regardless of how nice and caring he is. im sure good looking guys can be nice too. this is the rest of my life we are talking about how can i have kids with someone i`m not attracted to? also i mentioned i didnt particularly like his family. `how can i promise someone eternally that which i have not felt momentarily?``
but hey i appreciate ur comments even they arent all flattering
nyda

ive got one thing to say to u makzz
nyah nyah nyah!
*grin*

ok for all the people who agree with me, thankyou feels good to know i have sympathizers out there. for all the people who diaagree i understand ur point of view too and maybe i was a tad insensitive but it all worked out coz he got married to a real babe! im sure hes happier now. and for those of u who want to marry me send me ur profiles with a picture. *grin*

Hmmm. This article makes me think of many things. Not all of them relate to Nyda in particular.
1. Are we overemphasising the `fat` issue here? The whole way it was carried out for Nyda is traumatic for any woman, and perhaps the excuse for rejection is overblown to cover the deeper lying fears. Not so deep, actually, it is obvious that the lady is not beig taken in to confidence and this rishta was being out down her throat.

2. Some women (and men) invite this family pressure about marriage. What other alternative about their life choices do they present to their families? How can one expect to live off of the money of their family, show them no career path or life choice of any kind, and then expect the family to carry on into this uncertainty?

3. But of course, no person should be shoved intoa match-making process, even if they are a lost soul. This is the beginning of a new life, and it is the parents` job to take the young man/ woman into confidence.

4. It`s really a matter of choice. When, who, why to get married - must all depend on the person in question. However, the person should also have a level of maturity and must understand that it is not easy to live your life by without a partner (if there is, then one has to pay great emotional costs for that). When it is time, it must be done. You, Nyda, of course realize that. It seems that you haves made up your mind about getting married at the right age (right age is relevant to each person)... and that is as strong a decision as that of staying unmarried.

5. Good to wait for the right one to come along. I think you have shown courage in declining the rishta; and it`s true that most of us DO go for looks, just with varying criteria. I would not accept someone who wasn`t good-looking by my standard. You did sound a little immature there, but you are honest, at least. But it`s wise to decide what you WANT... as far as your life and rishta is concerned. ANd if your parents can`t find the match, look yourself. (Don`t know how much of it are you doing already.)

Overall, an interesting article... but one that leaves something to be desired.

Imo think that one should get to know the other person & at least speak to them to see who they are & what sort of compatibility there is. Everyone does have that perfect mate that they picture but lifes not fair therefore u cant get everything u want. All u can do is strive for it.

So far as pressure goes, its both ways, guys & girls both have it. Guys have it in the sense that they need to be bread winners above all, provide this that & the other. House car, financial stability. Yes there are 2 schools of thought that both can work, but then being desi means nitpicking ( imho on that statement) about every minute item.

So far as your escapade went, wouldnt it be simpler for you to let your mother/father whomever is going to put the word out that you are in the market so to say as to your preferences & what you are looking for in a guy. So that you dont end up with nothing but bela lugosi type rishtas at your doorstop. And obviously u will have to take it with a grain of salt as to the rishtaas that come from within ones fam since those usually are the 1st ones to land at ones door.