A Suitable Boy

something of the sort might have happened to me, but it didn`t. i got to know about it before my father could ask me and warned my family if they invite them or even let them come. the guy was some engineer working in amreeka, that`s all that i got to know about him and also that they wanted the marriage to take place before december 2003 (LOL), and well it made no sense since he didn`t know me... and then when my father told them i wasn;t willing to even meet, they were like ``WHY!!!`` . He said, aajkal ke bachay apni marzi kartay hain, ..what can i say..blahblah.. but what of it.. they must have hunted around for another 21-year old paki damsel for their money-making boy who was ready to get married to anyone. :p

It is everyone`s perfect right to reject someone based on their genetic makeup. If you don`t want your kids growing up with some hereditary disease (obesity being a disease) you have every right to reject them based on their appearance.

After our society rejects people based on ``gori ladki`` and all that nonsense by the men, it is somehow superficial and WRONG for women to want a healthy , ahtletic YOUNG man for a husband?

People have a lot of nerve telling others what they ought to like and dislike.

i think your decision might be a little immature, though you have every right to choose your ``perfect`` mate...unfortunately, we never get what we want, and in the process we let go of those people who have some ``flaw`` but are truly good people deep down. Your story makes me think you`re about 20, 21 years old, carefree, in college, not really too concerned about what lies ahead..so you`re pretty sure some other rishta will come along, you`ll marry your mr handsome, mr right..that`s all well and good, hope you find someone like that...i just wish you had met this guy, talked to him...but i`m no one to say, i`ve done this myself in the past, and my only defence was, hey i`m supposed to spend my life with this guy, if i don`t even feel like i can be with him, feel physically attracted to him, how can i marry him? So, I feel like a hypocrite saying you should`ve met him and got to know him, but somehow it just seems so..well..mean and unfair to reject someone on their looks alone.

Perhaps your decision also had something to do with the fact that there were so many people pressurizing you and trying to make you go for this one guy whom you don`t know at all...after all, it`s the rest of your life and you should be the one making the decision of whom you want to spend it with. But Nyda, let me tell you one thing...if you`re going for an arranged marriage you should accept the fact that you WILL NOT know the person too much before you marry him, even if you talk to him, meet him etc. Chances are, you guys will get to know each other more after the shaadi than before it, so if someone rishta of mr good looking comes along and sweeps you away, you can still not be sure he`s the ``right`` one...so, think about it and see where your thoughts take you. Good luck.

RE: marriage and women in Pakistan - it`s a national obsession, i agree. Too many people (esp women) are concerned about other people`s lives and they need to back off and take a look at their own lives and businesses instead of others`. It`s really irritating to hear the `When are you getting married?` question again and again and again...it`s worse for girls, but yes, it`s there for guys too...perhaps we should, as a nation, take a chill pill, a step back, and live and let live.

Hello Nyda Sahiba

Welcome to Chowk. I am not sure if this is fiction or a narrative of your personal life, either way I think you have shun light upon our superficial attitude. I truly abhor the desi ritual of suitor search. All one can get out of chaperoned meetings is a glimpse of the other person`s physical appearence and complete blindness to their personality (although not so common anymore). Having said that, I think I am quite fortunate to not have to succumb to such idiosyncracy. As hard as it is for some ppl to believe, even big boned ppl have feelings and a heart. So next time any of you out there reject someone based on appearence, just remember that you are not James Dean or Audrey Hepburn yourself:)

Regards,

A rejected soul:-/ and damn proud of it too, because my life is too precious to be spent with some half wit (i.e. male) (sorry hon, if you are reading this:))

hey nyda,
its pretty horrible to see sometimes how our society really feels about the marriage issue...sometimes even if the parents are not concerned about their (daughter`s marriage) its either the relatives or distant friends or neighbours worrying about such things...i mean they don`t realise how nerve wrecking it could be for the girl sometimes...they act so desperate that it could really make the girl feel as though there is something wrong with her...

this thing of getting married the girl into some other continent is totally ridiculous..how can be one so sure that the guy who has been living in some other part is nicer and different from the one existing near you...there could be really nice people in one`s home town aswell.. :)

i think its very important to click with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with..there has to be chemistry...you can`t just go and blindly get married to someone just cuz ur family likes them..its always better to get to know the person and see if you can really live with him...

Good luck..:)

re: nyda

I think you did the right thing. We only live once. Why settle for anything less than perfect? For some people, an overweight spouse is not a big issue. For others it is. For some people, a dark skinned spouse is a big issue. For others its not. There is an endless list of individual preferences. The point is: you have to live with your spouse for the rest of your life. It is better to stay unmarried for a while than to get married to somebody you detest because then you are making two lives miserable instead of just one.

I think people should wait for the right person, who may not be perfect but at least he will be ``perfect`` in your eyes. As they say, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Your marriage decision should be made according to your eyes, not your relatives/cousins/parents etc.

How unlucky!!

Even six months old are getting married nowadays!

Please don`t marry a fatso. If somebody is fat at a young age, He/she already has problems. Yes! I am insensitive! But if somebody can`t take care of themselves, that person is a lazy bum.

Nyda,

Thank you for telling the truth, portraying the values of a paki female. All of the pakis on chowk, the ylh and tahmeds talk of how handsome the paki males are and the females talk of how beautiful paki females are. You haqve confirmed it, you have rejected a suitor simply because he is fat. No wonder there is so much of acceptance of honour killings, you may accept a honour killing handsome and hence typical paki as a husband, but a fat man definitely no0t.
You are pathetic, there is something depper inside the fat.

there are days i wish i hadn`t left pakistan, but reading something like this, and our attitudes towards fat people make me glad that i did.

signed
an ugly, fat, and bitter woman (by desi standards, that is)

This is funny but this is tragic also.

All the people who think you ought to have married an unhealthy and obese man ought to go and marry this fatso themself.

There is nothing wrong with having standards. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone attractive. You can have your cake and eat it too. Most good looking and hot guys are often quite good natured and nice gentlemen. It is the ugly, fat and bitter men and women you have to be careful of.

How old are you that your family is on your case ? If you are 21 then its SICK to make you think you OUGHT to get married. Your family has problems. It is the state Pakistan is in. They are afraid for their children. All the parents are afraid their children will not have a future in our country. They want all of them to leave for some foreign destination ... anywhere but Pakistan. What they don`t realize is that be it Pakistan or Canada or USA the values of Muslims causes their lives to become miserable and hellish WHEREVER they go. The earth itself has narrowed for this race and made life difficult for them. They may call it a test but life for Muslims is hell on earth alone. Reminds me of what my mother used to say of tyrants ``God give them their just reward in this life``. Muslims are getting their reward right here on this earth.

Listen I feel so bad that if I could marry you I would but I am too young and totally not right for such a life. I would recommend the following : apply for an education in some university abroad and then leave this scared little family of yours behind. Become strong and independent and live life on your terms. Have faith that you will find love even if it takes years. It is normal to feel scared and lonely particularly when your own family is making you feel insecure. This is tragic.

Contact other older stronger SINGLE women and form a group and get their advice and ask for their help. There is a very strong and independent woman here on chowk her name is Zahra. She will be able to help you.

Dear Nyda,

Hi. I think your title should have read ``An Unsuitable Boy.``

What I don`t understand is why people (specially women) in our part of the world, have to make such a huge issue out of marriage. Whenever I go to a family gathering all the older women can talk about is who should marry whom, who has the right age for getting married, whose getting late and such sort of useless talk.

What is really funny is that this kind of ``you should be married now`` needling doesn`t happen only with young women, but also with guys. When I became a newly minted engineer fresh out of college, most of my family`s women (aunts, elder cousins, even some women who were only vaguely related) would always corner me and begin bombarding me with the ``when are you going to marry?``/``do you have anyone in mind?`` sort of questions. All I could do was tell them to back off, I mean, I`m 22 for God`s sake, just got out of college, let me enjoy life.

Women everywhere get hung up on marriage, in Pakistan, they obsess over it.

Regards,
Irfan Hamid.

Hehe, that`s actually kinda funny. While admittedly it is a mean thing to do i can sympathize, and laugh at it now that is over and done with :)

It seems to me that you never really got a chance to meet the guy and therein lies the problem. If all you have to go off is a picture of the dude along with your khala or bhabi or whatever`s word that so and so is a good man to spend the rest of your life with then i cannot blame you for having a shallow reason to reject him. After all what other reason can you give if you have so little to go on. It is a matter of the rest of your life:/

Well I`m sure you`ll find someone or your parents will at the least :) Next time make it clear you want to meet the guy face to face. I think its very important and lets you overcome physical defects in the person (after all no one is perfect) especially if that person is really a nice one.

hmmm...
its not a good idea to reject someone lke that.
ones parents never want bad for us, they always the best, and if you want something in specific then do let them know or find someone urself....
u know what they just try to handle their responsibility on right time.

nevermind though...old thing with new character :)
chao!

u must be wondering....why didnt any one interat to my article!!!!
well why dont u give it a read and ull fig that out
MAk

well i hope u get married soon and all.....but like u rejected a guy just coz he was fat??...yaaar fat ppl do have a heart in their...and its possible that a fat guy be far more loving caring and understandin than any brad pitt look alike u`ll ever get to b able to b with all ur life.........