The 786 Cybercafé on Tariq Road

Must pay tribute for the effort .....

Tariq Road- haven`t been there in ages, but the lovely detail you provide evokes powerful memories and thought. Jamal Tunio, comes across almost as a comical name, but for some strange reason it seems to fit in well! But, yea, I do think you could sharpen the writing a lil bit, and maybe play around with the pace and rhythym slightly to keep the readers` attention-that`d be awesome!

Miss Shah,

Had the pleasure of reading the first part of your novel. Quite original piece to say the least. Keep going. You certainly have many, many more good novels in you.

I have taken the liberty of pointing out a few points of the beginning below. Please, don’t consider this attempt as a negative critique or vanity to show one`s self off. Intention is only to share one’s views. I hope you won’t be offended by my feedback.

Best,

Sher Shah


=>Few people would have known it at the time, but Jamal Tunio was a man with a dream. It was one of those (punishingly? or unforgiving) hot Karachi days, where the sun seemed to hang in the sky like an executioner, and the moisture danced (shouldn’t the moisture be drained/dried out by the intensity of the heat? Or is it the sea climate of Karachi that allows humidity? If so how does it become clear to a non-Karachi reader? Who is the audience of this novel?) in the air beneath angry white air. The people on the street were drenched in sweat, making the act of bathing an exercise in water wastage.

=> {Without the use of the adjectives the writing will be more compelling… it kinda weakens the prose. Hinders the flow.}

On these days, eighty-seven percent? (is it a fact. How does a non-Karachi reader will know it?) of the people of Karachi (those who could not afford air conditioning) greedily? sucked cold drinks through cheap plastic straws or in haste, touched?/ or rubbed their faces to?/with slabs of ice from the local ice-seller, stole a few hours` rest in the cool of a great air-conditioned mall or a cinema hall. But the relief was always temporary; the heat made it impossible to think, or plan for any action. Some days even moving your limbs was too much of an effort, when the sun smiled?/ or grinned with such intensity on Karachi.

=> {Perhaps contradicatory for the sun to smile when in the first paragraph it has acted as an executioner. Or is it a menacing, cold smile? If so does it become clear in the text?}

In the street, some beggar?/ or begging children/ or child beggars had flocked at the taps of a huge water tanker. They had managed to open the faucets and were now bathing, laughing and cheering, (unnecessary comma) in the water that was throbbing out from the back of the truck. Jamal paid them no attention?/ or mind; they made no dent on?/ or in his consuming thoughts as he walked down the main concourse of Tariq Road, unmindful of ?/ or oblivious to the heat.

=> {Nice scene as a background to create contrast of moods between the character and his background. Yet it could be more compelling. More intense. But it is your work, your decision.}

Hi Bina,

Finished you book a week back and must say i enjoyed it. It was very different to what i am used to read. I am more into mystery. I can relate this to a desi drama or a movie.... with the dream/the love/ the betrayal/ the struggle.

However it was refreshing.... there were times when a lot of detail was provided and that would sometime slow the pace down. (I guess i say this because i am more into fast paced books). This book brought back a lot of memory from Karachi and there were things mentioned that i guess are new (the place where Jamil takes his friends to eat). The sad part was how Nadia was treated by her parents and how girls are treated (in general) in Pakistan.

I did notice a few things and i hope you don`t mind me pointing them out:

1) In the first few (1-3) chapters the word tiny is spelt with 2 n`s.
2) The first time Abdul meets Nadia in the cafe, she does not introduce herself. However he says her name while teaching her the net.... i think he calls her ``Nadia-ji``.


I would definitely recommend this book to someone in the west so that they can relive their lives in Karachi.

Hi Bina,

while i have long been an admirer of ur writing - i find u refreshingly sharp and concise - this chapter leaves a little something wanting...

u do work up a flavor for tariq road - i am a punjabi who grew up in karachi and who loves it (all chowkies who have a problem with that - deal with it!) tariq road comes right in my neighborhood and u evoke its memories well.

and while ur character Jamal easily comes to life with his many quirks, ur language is too, well,...it sounds like a first draft with a well thought out story. ur lovely use of language in ur other work is missing here...

this could be something really great...

Khadija

Bina,

Tried both links and cannot find the book. I did a search on Alhamra but come up with a URL error. I have someone visiting Toronto in a few weeks and would like to get my hands on this book. Can you please provide me a name of a book store that carries your book..... would appreciate an answer before the 23rd/25th of July.

Thanks

http://www.dawn.com/weekly/books/books2.htm

Link to another excerpt from the Cybercafe :)

Thanks for your appreciative comments guys. Part II will come when the Chowk Editors deem it time... in the meantime I think you`ll be able to buy this book online from www.alhamra.com next week.

Any resemblence to anyone on Chowk, living or dead, is merely coincidence.

Thanks again!

Bina,

Waiting for Part II....when will it come.

=== Interact Filtered ===
view this users filtered interacts

Very nicely written...two thumbs up Bina. Can`t wait to read the whole book.

First of all, why is this article so hidden? If I had not happened to read your blog, Bina, I would never have found this. Was it on the front page at all?

Anyway...Bina this is a great first chapter, rich in detail but with a beautiful spareness of language. Wonderfully multi-layered but simple. Your book must be a really good read if this chapter is any indication.

How do I get my hands on a copy? :-)

Excellent!

[Jamal slept his way through many of his lessons and talked his way through others. He wasn`t as stupid as some of the other boys - Omar, the boy who always managed to lose his homework between his walk from his home to the school, or Mohammed, whose short term memory functioned so badly that he had a hard time remembering his own father`s name.]

Ah, Omar, the name sure rings a bell. Could it be the Omar on Chowk, the `Assistant Editor`? I`m sure it is him, for the only other Omar I`ve seen lie with such consummate ease is our `Ass-istant Editor`.

hey whens part 2 due? the first part was real good. been a long time since literature at chowk has taken me away like this. keep it up.

Very vivid descriptions and realistic, picturesque and fragrant prose...shall love to read its sequel...worth lot of praise....dpsingh63@yahoo.com