In Condom Country

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The use of contraception is not only a vital public health issue, but one that should be discussed without any hesitation, at least in educated circles that is. Therefore, I applaud the efforts of the author to highlight the issues and perceptions associated with this topic and the use of condom`s in particular.

In Iran, an effective, religiously mandated contraception initiative with free services subsidized by the government has led to a control in that country`s mushrooming birth rate. The western media selectively decides to hide the achievements of its enemies and highlights their fallicies.

However, I would argue that safe sex should not be the answer to all of man`s woes. We must advocate lawful sexual activity and to some degree disdain the apathy taken by some if not all towards unlawful sexual activity. Sexual feelings are only natural, just look at the example of Hazrat Yousuf. His story shows how one`s will power can over come such desires.

Getting laid is not difficult, most of my friends have been there done that, but I say to myself where`s the challenge, the struggle, the courage. Saying no 2 a cute girl or handsome guy for that matter (if you`re a girl) is the real challenge. No its not easy, but if you`re strong enough to control yourself, I believe you can utilize this self-restraint in many other areas as well.

I support the theory of early marriages along with family support in that it frees a person from entertaining matters of love during a period of time in one`s life where education is predominant and intense. The notion that we should first get an MD degree, and be well established with 2 beemers parked on our driveway before a girl`s family can even consider marriage is totally blashphemous and hinges on insanity. In essence, these people are not marrying the person, but rather what the person possess.

Shabber

the same american quarter/Indian 50 paisa trick will not work for nikki when kaura is after him.

farzana - be honest. did you get the idea to write about condoms after reading my ilog?

here is a true story. a young indian couple i know went to india and brought back close to 1000 condoms. I asked the guy the reason for this bulk quantity. He said that the condoms in india are cheaper. A year later and they were still using it. And then one day he told me that he threw the rest out. Upon my persistent inquiries he told me that apparently the shelf life of condoms is not too long. Increasingly he was finding that condoms were getting punctured during use.

Farzana:

Now, this is what I consider a constructive critique. Some of your itemized observations highlight the gender related issues. This goes back to your point on the pattern of growth and learning in both men & women.

Coincidentally, I am working on a project that revolves around Genital Herpes (GH) – one of the most common STDs in this part of the world. It`s a scary world out there if you take it on its face value. I completely agree that awareness ought to exist. Often times, women are more on the ignorant side.

In my opinion, the following needs to take place:

a) Men (irresponsible ones) need to acquire the sense of responsibility. In order to do that, they need to look into either the Reader`s Digest Guide to Female Anatomy or consult an educational site on women - ivillage.com (provided they are computer savvy). Relying on pornography or one night stands ain`t the right way of either getting educated or acquiring decent understanding.

b) Women need to be cognizant of their bodies and take equal responsibility for any unplanned and for that matter planned pregnancy. They need to protect their physical well being. They also need to be vocal and assertive when it comes to defining the rules of the game. Well, it does not hurt to be aggressive if that`s what the situation demands.

The South Asian Culture in general likes to create gender gaps by highlighting one-sided roles and responsibilities. Another example will be around the subject of love-marriage. Often times the traditional guy`s mother considers the gal, a churail who trapped her son (Specially if she did not approve of the gal). It never occurs to the mother that her son ain`t a victim in that union; he shares an equal responsibility in falling for the churail. Similarly, when it comes to any STD related disease or pregnancy related issue, both men and women ought to be held equally accountable. Well, the term ``equal`` has a very different significance in different cultures. It may be considered non-existant in one environment whereas in others it may serve as the very basis of a relationship.

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An interesting subject.
Especially, I am amused to read the long range of functions it can fulfill [and already fulfilling in our part of the world]. Some of them were really new to me. Anyways some short stories:

What are you doing
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents` bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom..
``Daddy, what are you doing?`` asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son..
I, um, I`m just checking out the bathroom for mice.`` Replied his father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
``Well, what are you doing? Fuc king them?``

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Men`s Ages:
1. Between the ages of 18 and 32...Tri-weekly.
2. Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly.
3. Over 50...Try, weakly.

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
``Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?``
``None.``, replied Johnny. ```cause the rest would fly away.``
``Well, the answer is four,`` said the teacher. ``But I like the way you are thinking.``
Little Johnny said, ``I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
Well,`` said the teacher nervously, ``I guess the one sucking the cone?``
``No,`` said Little Johnny, ``the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..

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Harassment
Teacher: Use ``harassment`` in a sentence..
Johnny: Her mouth said `no`, but her ass meant `yes`..

Thanks for reading and some for chuckling too...and Umer, you cannot deny me a meal only because of an article. If you promise to thaw it well and it looks and tastes just right, then I promise not to dissect ``the evolutionary processes working behind the round shape of a frozen pea``. On second thought, I did say on some board that peas were gay...and soysauce, ``Flavored condoms? Must be the product of the fervid imagination of a female somewhere!`` What was it that Marie Antoinette said??? :)

All right, let us get to some serious questions raised, and a special thanks to Zahra, Amit and MQMPower for their thoughts on the subject.

1. Why must the onus of safe sex only be on the men; if we live in times of equality, why can women not take equal responsibility?

The female condom is a recent innovation and still a Western concept. From what I hear, it is not that simple a process...and I can be quite certain that men will soon be complaining about it. Also, it does not give any power to the woman, just makes her life more cumbersome.

Re. responsibility, there are no other means, if safety is what we are talking about. (Avoiding pregnancy is another issue, though pills do have side-effects.) What is a woman supposed to do? Ask the guy for his blood report? Check on his past (and manage to get the TRUTH out of HIM??)

2. Why can`t women just say NO?

Why should they? This amounts to seeing women as objects and not as sexual beings who might want to do it too. And if, after the situation has gone out of control, a woman suddenly gets these fear attacks and decides to hold back, what do you think she will be called? A tease. Among several other things.

Why can`t a man not just use a simple thing instead?

3. Does this reek of an anti-male bias?

Whatever happened to the confident male who did not need validation for his potency from anyone? Can`t he flash his condom together with his smile and make life easier for both, the woman and himself?

[#17 by kaurasach: FYI, many `feminists` (60s 70s) who did and wrote what you are doing today, found it to be fallacy, and now blame (rightly) themselves and women, propaganda and leftists for the misery.]

Some of those women began to regret because when they wrote about it, feminism as it is understood today was in its nascent stage...like with all new movements, enthusiasm over-rode practical considerations. This also happened to be the time of flower-power and free sex, so they became victims of their own ideology. They mostly blamed themselves on hindsight because they lost out on precious years of what has been deemed to be productive activity -- producing babies and nursing them.

Today`s woman does not need to burn her bar; she may spend a fortune on a jiggly one or just not wear it. We are fortunate that all the dirty work has been done for us, they turned the tide for us....now if only the women then had also turned men on their heads...er...whatever...

Farzana,
``2. Why can`t women just say NO? Why should they? This amounts to seeing women as objects and not as sexual beings who might want to do it too. ``
Right on! You are getting to be my kind of woman. Too many women see sex as something they ``give`` to men and therefore deserve something back in return. I like your idea of equal participation, equal right to enjoyment, and equal responsibility for consequences. Thanks,

Zahra,
``I am working on a project that revolves around Genital Herpes (GH) – one of the most common STDs in this part of the world. It`s a scary world out there if you take it on its face value. I completely agree that awareness ought to exist. Often times, women are more on the ignorant side. ``

Some very applicable advice and kudos on ``equal`` reponsibility for the consequences of copulation. One point to consider is that often STDs are transmitted by obtaining sanitary napkins from unreliable Indian tourists in restrooms at public locations, such as Lahore Airport.

[One point to consider is that often STDs are transmitted by obtaining sanitary napkins from unreliable Indian tourists in restrooms at public locations, such as Lahore Airport.]

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Probably, you should also bring it up with the airport authorities.

I am reading a novel ``Oryx and Crake`` where they have solved the sex problem - genetically modified individuals, women get into heat once every couple of years, and their buttuks turn bright blue. Males spot blue buttuks and get sexually aroused. Female chooses 4 males, rejected males immediately lose passion (``de-aroused``??) and continue with whatever they were doing before they spotted blue buttuks. 4 males do their thingie until woman is impregnated. Woman immediately loses blue buttuks, and males immediately get ``de-aroused`` (regardless of not they have had a go at the woman).

Thus, there are no rapes in that society, and also no sexual jealousies, frustrations, rejections.

All this is the result of genetically modified behavior.

The book was written by a woman (that figures!!) Why am I reading the book? Dont ask.

The article was written in a pretty straight forward way and that is its very quality. However i disagree with a few of the points that you have illustrated in the article.

You wrote that :``The glamourisation of the condom is a move in this direction - to give the man the reassurance that he is going on an adventure trip. ``

I have yet to encounter the so called glamouraisation of the condom. Most people understand it as a safety procedure against unwanted preganancy, Std`s and ofcourse Aids. There is no glamour behind it to feed the male ego.

For instance, take the recent Durex advertisement. The 1 minute advert has a simple slogan, ``For a hundred million reasons.`` There was no show of dolled up females or hot males hitting at each other. it was a simple direct punch line with no sexual connotations. (Correct me if i am wrong)

Another Indian advertisement showed two lower middle class males deciding to go for a night out in the red light areas. The advertisement centres on a conversation between the two males, where one friend convinces another to buy a condom to guard himself and others against aids. I still did not seea glamourisation of the condom there.

A Pakistani condom advertisement on the other hand, shows two spouses walking on the beach holding hands. What is there in this advertisement to feed the male ego and not the female ego??

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Further i also believe that a female does not become a ``tease``( like u wrote in ur post) if she refuses to go on in the absence of a condom. That is her decision and she should stand by it. If the man involved is ignorant and chauvinistic enough to deny her this simple security, then she should not go ahead with him, simply on the pretext of being called a tease. that is hardly a valid reason.

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On a lighter note, though, The movie , ``Phir Milain ge`` is a rip off of the outstanding holly wood movie, Philadelphia. But, never the less both are good, and must see movies.

Interesting article, Farzana, and well written as always. I really like the writing style and the topic under discussion. The condom makeover-- utilitarian to sexy (the Kamasutra ads for instance)-- is really quite apparent. Especially since from my childhood I remember the Nirodh ads, where the only good thing about them was they were ``sirf pacchis paisa.`` How far have we come? :-)

However, the article also underscore some existing questions for me, minor quibbles perhaps.

Obviously both men and women need to be responsible for their own protection. It almost seemed as if men are just carriers of infection (HIV and others) while women are the receptacles. Not only does that underscore the stereotype of women being mute receptacles it also does not take into account that men too are at risk.

Second, in this day and age, chivalry be damned, if you are a sexually active woman (or man for that matter) you are responsible for yourself and that includes protection. If you want to have sex but you don`t want the threat of disease foreshadowing you, you should carry your own protection. There are increasing numbers of women who carry condoms just in case the guy plays dumb and says he does not have it and can they ``do it anyway.`` And if the man says No to this the woman should say No to sex. Simple as that!

I know that this is an opinion piece and like all opinion pieces (my own included) there are too many assumptions about statements that need to be actual verifiable facts. Example 1: ``...men fear that a visit to the doctor will reveal some flaw and in these times of Viagra “when a pill can do the heavy lifting for you”, they couldn’t care less.`` This sentence not only assumes a common flaw in men but also tacks on the Viagra comment which I really did not see adding anything to the condom discussion.

Example 2: ``I think in the deep recesses of their minds, men still believe that there is a chance, a small possibility, that they could have created life instead.`` Again, an assumption stated as immutable fact.

The control over their reproductive rights (including for lack of a better term, recreational sex) was a hard won battle for some women and is ongoing for others. In fact, it was the appearance of the pill that started the sexual liberation of women in the US. With this freedom comes the responsibility for our protection and it is a burden most women are happy to bear. Why should a woman have to rely on a man for her protection? That smacks too much of victimhood to me and makes me uncomfortable.

Also, as far as I am concerned if stroking the male ego makes men more willing to wear condoms, what`s the harm? As a woman and a feminist I want some things in life (and have seen the progress in my own lifetime) to stroke my ego or pander to me as a woman. As long as it achieves the desired result I really don`t care. Men and women are different and need different approaches.

I guess the bottomline is that the responsibility for preventing disease and pregnancy should be equally shared between men and women.

Thanks Farzana, for a thought-provoking article as always.

Wondering why you think not using a condom is an egoistic thing?? It’s for my safety, who knows what a girl is carrying with her? With whom she slept before. It’s like part of attire for those who are in game (At least here in North America).
Second, what you think pleasure is not mutual? Is this only “men” who is enjoying it? If pleasure is mutual then safety is mutual as well, and both men and women is equally responsible for that.