In Condom Country

Jawahara,

excellent analysis of a thought provoking article. Agree with you 100%.

Hi Jawahara:

I am glad you brought up some contrarian thoughts.

I do tend to speak from the sub-continental perspective alone, and therefore some issues appear to be reduced.

I agree that men too are at risk, which is why the condom is so important.

[in this day and age, chivalry be damned, if you are a sexually active woman (or man for that matter) you are responsible for yourself and that includes protection. If you want to have sex but you don`t want the threat of disease foreshadowing you, you should carry your own protection. There are increasing numbers of women who carry condoms just in case the guy plays dumb and says he does not have it and can they ``do it anyway.`` And if the man says No to this the woman should say No to sex. Simple as that!]

There are innumerable problems here.
1. In a society where men are hesitant to walk into a store and buy condoms, you can imagine how the women would feel about making such a purchase.
2. I am afraid that even today in urban areas too, due to the lack of knowledge about our bodies and the stereotypes, women depend a lot on men to make the first move. This puts them at a disadvantage, in that they assume men are taking charge and responsibility. The idea of condoms ``coming in the way of real sensation`` has been effectively sold to women. Even the worldly-wise woman who has had a good time with a vibrator will buy this theory and in fact see it as concern on the part of the male for her ``added pleasure``.
3. Saying No is a good way out, but we are talking about wives who are insecure and have to `keep` their husbands; they cannot risk having a sulking man at best and a beast at worst around for the rest of their married lives. Then we have commercial sex workers who have been specifically taught about condom usage so that the client does not pretend to be too drunk -- the consequences can be quite drastic if the man does not care about his safety and hers; I have spoken to quite a few CSWs and they complain that if they are not beaten up by the client, they are by the madam; they are truly victimised.

(Incidentally, there was a report that even in the west porn show stars have been told to use condoms while performing -- this means that even in the more liberated and aware sections there are hidden reasons.)

There may be sexually active women who are independent financially and in thought to fight this battle, but they are in an absolute minority.

Re. assumptions, you are right that in an opinion piece generalisations do creep in. Let me clarify the reasons for what I wrote:

[Example 1: ``...men fear that a visit to the doctor will reveal some flaw and in these times of Viagra ``when a pill can do the heavy lifting for you``, they couldn`t care less.`` This sentence not only assumes a common flaw in men but also tacks on the Viagra comment which I really did not see adding anything to the condom discussion.]

I was discussing the male fear about penile dysfunction and therefore their hesitation anyway about visiting a doc to verify problems, including diseases; I mentioned Viagra in the context of it being able to help a man perform and therefore boosting his ego and reducing his need to go for a check-up for any ailment he may suffer from.

[Example 2: ``I think in the deep recesses of their minds, men still believe that there is a chance, a small possibility, that they could have created life instead.`` Again, an assumption stated as immutable fact.]

Perhaps I meet the wrong kind of men (and other women who meet the wrong kind of men). One such person was given to boasting that he was sure he had many bastards floating around in the world. As a sweeping statement, it does not qualify as immutable fact, but I did start out by saying ``I think`` :)

[the bottomline is that the responsibility for preventing disease and pregnancy should be equally shared between men and women.]

I do believe that if a woman discovers she already has some genital disease, even if it is a mere infection, she should inform her partner. This is a must.

Re. pregnancy, let me give you the flip side. There are women who quietly start taking the pill because they do not want to get pregnant even though as a couple there has been no discussion about not planning to start a family. I think it is sad that such an important issue cannot be discussed by two people who share intimacy.

Then there is the celebrated case of a media couple, not young, who lived together. She told him she was on the pill, but one fine day decided to stop; she got regnant; they had parted ways, but everyone knew whose baby it was; he was already in another relationship, but accepted the child, now a young adult.

I think equality too has ``different approaches``, and I am not being facetious.

Re. the sexing up of the condom from the Nirodh days is so true. Foad_Shah has wondered how there is any sexiness...one has to see the Kama Sutra ads and I think there was one of another brand on Indian TV which was like a B-grade film, with clothes dropping etc...Besides, the condoms themselves have changed, what with different varieties.

Thanks for your kind words. And it is always a pleasure to interact in a manner that questions and probes...

Hey Farzana, thanks for keeping this discussion going. Of course I understand that this article was written from a subcontinental perspective.The solution to most of the issues you raise, is of course, practical sex education where myths (sensation, etc) can be laid to rest. Once we get into small town and women and in villages we`re in different waters altogether. They truly do not own their own bodies and no amount of sex ed will help them at this point.

About the porn industry in the west: it is now a requirement that condoms have to be used and they are really rallying behind the safe sex thing. Just recently it was revealed that despite the safeguards a promiment male porn star got infected with HIV and the entire porn industry voluntarily shut down production for a couple of months. Not sure what is happening now.

The reason I thought the Viagra thing was not needed here was that the article was about condoms and safe sex and I didn`t think a sexual dysfunction drug was superfluous here.

Of course, most of these issues would not happen in a relationship based on mutual trust where the partners talk about protection, etc. That is a given. The article (I believe) talked about protection despite the lack of communication, right? If there is open communication and both people assume the responsibility there would be no cause to complain.

I too know women in India and here who start taking the pill secretly. I have also known of two women who poked holes in condoms so that they could get pregnant and their boyfriends would be forced to marry them. I think they are similar in a yucky way to the guy you know who was happy about the prospect of his many bastards floating around somewhere. But, and maybe I am being naive here, I don`t think condom-poking women and men happy to have impregnated women are the rule.

We are totally in tune about equality. The only way out of this is open communication and respect between the partners. However, this is complicated not only by the male-female divide in India but also the whole male-female relationship the world over. These are complicated, game playing relationships and even relative equality (as in the US) is not going to solve these issues. All we can hope for, I think, is for small, individual gains and not sweeping change.

I have enjoyed this Farzana and look forward to hearing what else you have to say. I really look forward to reading your stuff. Take care :-)

#35 jawahara
..myths (sensation, etc) ..

I see. Now you`re an expert on how men must feel.

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Interesting reading.Brings forth different views on the use of condoms which are rather funny but to be enjoyed nonetheless.I liked reading the article.

i really enjoyed this article, i have a little to add by saying using condoms sometimes is condemned by their mothers in teh case of married men..i think they play a role aswell...wen they consider that they themselves were not given a choice of chosing when to conceive and so the daughter in law should also not be given this choice..this is just something i can across...when doing some research in a village in Kashmir.. i just felt that some women thought bad if there Men use condoms... ..BUT i do agree with you 100%..very thought provoking article..