Sometimes…

Translation is too literal but there are some errors as well. For example in the first para you have translated word ``tiirgi`` as sorrow, whereas correct translation is `darkness` and synonyms such as `obscurity` or `nigritude` could have made difference depending upon weight and balance. Keeping this in mind the next stanza should have been translated as :

Obscurity, which seems to be the fate of my existence
Could have been brightened with the radiance of your eyes

Similarly, in the last para the word Jaadaa has been translated as ``place`` whereas correct translation is ``direction `` or more accurately ``a guiding arrow that points towards a certain direction`` but ``direction`` seems more appropriate here. In the second stanza the word ``Khaalaao.n`` is translated as ``desolate wilderness`` whereas the correct translation should be approximately ``vacuous desolation``.

Over all it is a good effort, but I suggest having a good urdu to urdu dictionary for such undertaking.

Thanks for the feedback; I have tried to be as literal as I could except where I thought it would ruin the poetic flow; hence some of the words I used instead of what is exactly correct. If I was doing it again I would perhaps use even more poetic license; still I think, except for one or two places, the translation flows quite well. You are of course free to disagree :-)

Very good effort!

But the film version has some lines that are missing here. It is one of those rare instances where the film version was even more haunting. The film versions goes like this:

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai
Kay jaise tujhko banaaya gaya ho mere liye
Tu mujh se pehle sitaaron mein chhup rahi thee kaheen
Tujhe zameen pur bulaaya gaya hai mere liye

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai
Kay jaise bajati hon shehnaaiyaan si raahon mein
Suhaag raat hai ghoonghat uttha raha hoon main
Tarhap rahi hai tu sharma ke meri baahon mein

A good attempt. If any thing the translation brings out so poignantly the difference between the East and West. Romanticism of the west is more sensual than spiritual and so it lacks the depth of the Urdu poetry. The romantic sorrow or anguish (Dhukh, Firaq or Hijr in Urdu) is seldom found in the western poetry except only in Keat`s but he too bewails only the loss of (kisses four) in his `La belle dame san merci` instead of `zulfoN ki chhaoN`. `Hijr` or `Firaq` is unknown in western culture as their love is essentially more sensuous than spiritual.

This is the subject with which I can hardly do justice. So I leave it here for some professor of English literature to elaborate on it.

Excellent but want more.

If you dont take poetic liberty, there is not much sense in translation of poetry. It becomes prosaic. What is the difference between your translation and anybody else`s? Just like an idiom or proverb cannot be translated literally, poetry too should not be done that way. For one, Urdu is a language of flamboyance and exaggaeration, while English of understatement. Thats why urdu poetry looks so melodramatic when literally translated into English.

Here is my attempt: What do u guys think. Give Input!

At times, An ephermal image crosses my mind
Life could have been blissful,
if spent in proximity of your caressing locks
The twilight that is the fate of my being
could have vanished in the emanation from your eyes

It wasn`t remarkable, being aloof from this world
I was entranced by your ambrosial beauty
your luscious figure, your demilune eyes
engrossed in these ravishing fabrications

Beckoned by the caustic Here and Now,
The sweetness of your lips satisfy my thirst
Life is roaming around screaming, in mourning
and I live hiding beneath the shade of your thick tresses

But this did not come to pass, and such is the predicament now
There is neither You, nor my anguish for You, not even my quest for you
Seems, Life is passing by in such a manner
It`s desirous of neither assistance nor deliverance

Multifarious sorrows and miseries have I embraced
walking through uncharted territories
emanating from dreadful thornfields of Life and Death
Dark eerie shadows inch closer towards me

My life wanders about in etheric spaces
lacking direction, destination, or illumination
being cast adrift these forlorn voids shall be my abode
I appreciate this my confidante, So be it.

Very well Done #7 ShoreSahib...A passionate translation...

Chowk Staff...

Do add this work in translation as this poetry had a charming effect on minds of thousands of people in subcontinent for decades.
A person unknown to Urdu won`t ever enjoy this piece of translation done by Mr. Naqshbandi.

ShoreSahib:
Certainly better.

So you are the scion of Janaab Shoar Alig. Heard this name and it lit up many a memory cell.
May he continue to enjoy health & happiness.

With a pupil, protege, and a loving grandson like yourself you are a blossoming & blooming Divaan of him.

Am I correct in assuming that the name mrefers to Salt or Salinity rather than Noise?

``Shoar darya mein hai jiss kaa voh malahat meri``--Anees!

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Naqshbandi:
At least you are opening doors. Please keep it up. It is a good exercise anyway.

Please try to translate a short english poem into Urdu. That is always a good beggining before attempting the other way round first.

Faiz , Iqbal and so many others either translated or adapted from english or farsi to Urdu but not from Urdu to--. Think about it!

shoresahib #7 Nice.Though you could probably lose some weight (from the poetry I mean :-)) , and recreate some more music of the original.

a job nicely done

Urdu poetry is so phukking wet and soppy and gay. This reads like the pubescent ramblings of a fourteen year old schoolgirl or the kind of thing Barbara Cartland would put in the mouth of one of her romantic heroes, along with fluffy bunny rabbits and lots of pink fluffy pillows. Pathetic poetry and pathetic sentiments. Grow some balls. Urdu poetry is so pathetic, decadent and superficial.

Echoboom,
I am not related to Janab Shoar Alig. My grandfather`s full name is Muhammad Ishaq Khan Shore. Shore is Farsi, pronounced Sho-Ur and means Sher kehney wala, thus a Poet. It is written with the three alphabets Sheen Ein Rey.
I do apprecite your comments. Thank you

I am coming into this as someone who immensely enjoys listening to the song without understanding a word of it and I find Asif`s translation to be more poetic & catchy.

This poem by Sahir was an ``answer`` to Faiz`s ``YooN naa thha, meiN neiN mgar chahaa thhaa yooN ho jaaey`` ( mujhh sey pehli--).

The theme is the same but Faiz`s has more skill & mastery. Sahir rambles a bit and kind of ``overdid`` it. Sahir`s has wistfulness , whereas Faiz`s has a ``a lingering farewell embrace`` feeling.

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Written here impulsively to ``nudge` the conversation and not necessarily as ``scholarship``. Let`s
play!

echoboom #15 Basically, Both Sahir and Faiz have a similar style. The lackadaisical ,delicate,romantic and almost sleepy sensibility of ``lams ka pahla khwaab``. Aamir Ansari also writes like that. And yes, Sahir does go over the top.Almost always. Consider his ``madaam``. Sometimes sounds like a rant. He remained a 20 something aashiq all his life.Even his so called leftist poetry is overly sentimental, but that is sahir`s strength too.
Faiz grew and wrote on other topics as well.
From whatever I have read of both these poets,,I think Sahir is more evocative than Faiz to his target audience. But Faiz was more diverse and mature,maybe more ``worldly wise``,if you will.