The “D” Word

Extreme cases aside, most divorces I hear of now days are not the result of an abusive male, but rather what they call her ``irreconcilable differences``. Rather than one big event which causes a couple to split, there are a series of small (almost trivial) differences which add up...and finally cause things to fall apart.

The increase in divorce is a bit more than losing particular values. The fact is when we have placed ourselves and grown in an environment where we are expected and encouraged to live for ourselves, it is nigh impossible to shift to a mindset where our entire purpose in life is to live for others.

All this talk of ``personal identity`` and what not makes me cringe at one level, however deep down inside I relate. I know that although I claim to think differently, I`ll behave just like those who easterners would call selfish minded. This, in spite of the values I hold. Perhaps we should be more realistic with ourselves. Compromise is key, and we have to be receptive to each others needs...not at all easy.

But then I think of how my parents did so well together, and it`s clear to me: their only need was their children`s well being. They had no career ambitions; they had no other ambition in life period. Let`s face facts folks, that`s a different mindset altogether, and we simply don`t have it. Personally, I think that kind of self-sacrafice for the family is a high ideal, and extreamly virtuous - that`s exactly where the strength of the eastern family comes from. However, it`s not in us. We are of the ``me`` generation, and we have to deal and cope with it.

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ShoreSahib,


``If she claims that he is abusive physically or emotionally, so what:-``

No, the quoted verse is not what is used. I`m very well familiar with the ramblings and ill advice of Mullahs on this issue, and they dont` quote said verse. Rather, they break out the sacred institution song and dance, and how the whole of Muslim society rests on the shoulders and ``honor`` of women (as if there wasn`t enough social pressure), and all that nonsense. Basically, the women is expected to hold the family together at all costs and the man is alowed to be aloof. I`ve even heard of a women complain that her husband was an abusive alcoholic, and the Mullah still told her to put up with the scumbag as it is her responsiblity to ``reform`` him...

Not all Mullah`s are the same, of course. I got a kick out of reading an ask-the-Imam kind of Q&A in a Pakistani paper once, where a women was asking what to do in the case of a physically abusive husband who was stealing money from her...Imam sahib said ``get rid of him, one way or the other``. I thnk it`s clear what he was advocating...

SaimaShah,
In our cultures, divorced woman = damaged goods, especially if she is older (30+) and has child(ren).

Marriage is a tough journey. It has its ups and downs. Faults and virtues. Especially if both husband and wife want to maintain their own, “growth paths,” as well. The best way out of this is to not get married, at all. This is much better than getting married and then contemplating a divorce. The rational way of approaching this, through an, “independent” person’s (woman’s) point of view would be to give the first option more importance than the second.

Being independent means, one has the resources – financial, intellectual etc. – to make one’s own decisions. If that is the case, then the point to say, “No” is before getting married. If a person is truly independent that is where they should be able to exercise their option. If they cannot do that, then they are not as independent as they may think they are.

Once a person is married, there are far too many other factors, which need to be considered. One cannot, at that point, start worrying about one’s own personal growth. This goes for both men and women. One has to consider the other person, one’s kids, etc. At that point, to just thinking about one’s own self is quite selfish. If today, I start thinking that my wife is holding back my own, “professional growth,” should I simply divorce her? Obviously not. Once I have made a commitment, I have to honor it. Otherwise, I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. The same goes for her.

The only issues on which one should divorce one’s partner, in my opinion, are if there is physical abuse involved or if the person is having an affair. This brings us to, “emotional” abuse. That is a fuzzy term. Very difficult to define. If a person abuses his wife (or vice versa) the whole day. Yes. If they say the other is not a good cook, on a regular basis. No.

The grass always seems greener on the other side. It rarely is, in real life. The most successful marriages are the one’s that are based on the most, “compromise.” And on the lowest expectations. That is why Western marriages do not work. The expectations are way way too high. This is why love marriages do not work, in general, either. High expectations. Once one person falls out of love, the marriage is over. There is nothing else holding it together.

So, if anyone considers themselves, “independent,” I would encourage them to exercise their independence at the time of making their decision to get married. Don’t get married if you are expecting a perfect self-actualizing post-nikah lifestyle. It is not going to happen. Sign on the dotted line, very very carefully. But once you have signed on the dotted line, and then get ready to compromise. And raise your patience level, to a higher notch. And consider divorce your last option and not your first option.

At the same time, if you have somehow or the other, despite being independent, gotten yourself into a situation, where you are in an abusive marriage, then don’t hesitate to get out. But do make sure, you are defining the term, “abusive” correctly. And at that time, do realize that you may not be as independent as you think you are.

If all six of you are divorced, then there is a major dis-connect somewhere. Someone has the knack of choosing exactly the wrong person. And the others are unwilling to say, “No.” You seem to have blamed that part on your mother. I am not sure whether I can agree. If all of you are independent enough to get a divorce, then at least some of you should be independent enough to say, “No” before getting married.

Marriage is heavily loaded against women, in any society, and more so in the Pakistani patriarchal society. They need to be very careful before accepting any marriage proposal that comes their way. Divorce is easier said than done and it has a lot of consequences attached to it, regardless of how independent one may consider one’s self to be………..

Re:vertex#10

The unwillingness to marry a divorced woman should not be shrugged off as just a fetish for virginity. People are reluctant to marry a divorced person, whether it is a man or a woman, simply because they feel that it increases the risk of the new marriage not working out. It is rare that all the fault in a divorce lies with one party and the other party is absolutely blameless. Typically both parties have issues which results in a divorce - as the sayng goes, ``Taali do haathon se bajti hai`` (it takes two hands to clap). So a rishta with a divorced person automatically raises some red flags. It is no different from when you are hiring someone and notice that he/she was fired from their last job. It raises red flags on their abilities and chances of working out in the new job.

Probably because women have remained underdogs for eons, they have genetically become extremely manipulative and they are quite good at it. However, it is their tongue that they cannot control and in 90% of the cases, it causes their downfall. Only if they could control their tongues they could win all the time, and they could have rendered men as brainless zombies by now. But there is a God, and He keeps balance in everything. That is the reason no woman will go to heaven, unless her husband approves of it and no man will go to heaven unless his mother approves of it. That is the reason all women should respect their mother-in-laws, but then their manipulative `gene` comes in the way.... its a vicious cycle but we have to live with it. Just try to get the best out of it, as much as you can.

MQMpower is right.

For someone who is as articulate as the author is, I find it hard to believe she has married into a home that is so stifling. The best course of action is to find support with likeminded friends. One more possibility: I find it hard to believe all her sisters are in the same boat. If so, perhaps there`s something dysfunctional about the family. No matter what, the odds of all 6 marriages bombing are low. Or they are living in a really strange society where men are from some other era.

Compromise is not necessarily a bad word. Provided it is accompanied with communication and mutual respect and affection. No matter who the husband is, clearly there is a huge gulf in communication here. Maybe the convent style communication/values isnt that optimal here?

btw... if anyone here is interested in a planned film tangentially dealing with such issues, click here

Re:ShoreSahib #17

I believe that there are some things like adultery, alchoholism, any kind of abuse and male impotency for which divorce is more or less mandatory. The relationship is totally ruined in such cases and is not worth saving. For anything else, such as just incompatibility in nature, financial issues etc, divorce should be the last option, especially if there are kids involved. People can go to marriage counseling and try different means to work it out. In the west, you have no-fault divorces where people can ask for divorce without showing any reason whatsover. So if one day you wake up and dont like the face of your partner, you can ask for a divorce. This promotes lack of tolerance for your partner.

Life has ups and downs and it is difficult to live with another person, no matter who it is. Even beautiful people like Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston or Tom Cruise-Nicole Kidman, cannot deal with each other after a while. So people have to learn to work things out with each other, especially when life hits a rough patch. Often people dont realize how difficult life can be in a post-divorce scenario. For a man, it can mean loss of family and/or loss of income due to alimony and child support. For a woman it is definitely a loss of financial means as well as facing the hard life of single parenthood. It is tough for women in any society, more so in South Asia. For kids it is completely traumatic. So divorce should be taken very seriously and we should discourage it as far as possible.

Aisha, thanks for a sensitive and thoughtful article. And how very brave of you to talk about your own life in public. I say this as a terminally private person.
Did your mother not realise after her first two daughters that this was not working? How does she feel that all her daughters have been unhappy with the partners she chose? It must be a difficult reality to face, but maybe she avoids facing it by telling herself either that her daughters are ungrateful, or that it is all destiny. At least you do have each other to fall back on; how does your brother feel about it all and what kind of marriage is he in, if you don`t mind my asking?
I get the feeling you are a Generation X-er like me, but things have changed in India at least. Women are often more choosy than men in looking for a life partner, and they actually have careers, not just jobs, and that is not a bad thing. Not for everyone anyway.
Thanks for your post Saima. I will keep all of that in mind; you sound weary and a little cynical, but not bitter, and just for that I envy you.

RE: #4 Amit
`` Even in USA, single gori girls, single asian girls, in fact, any single girl that I have ever interacted with is on the lookout for a life partner. Who can explain this contradiction?``
I don`t think this article is about girls wanting or not wanting to get married. I think it is natural for human beings whether male, female or intersexuals to seek out life partners, but I think this article ponders a South Asian more specifically a Pakistani Muslim woman`s right to divorce. I think Aisha has posed some important questions regarding Pakistani society`s role in one`s divorce. When a man divorces a woman, few eyebrows are raised but when a woman demands one, society raises hell.
There must be something wrong with the woman.
She is probably too modern.
Her parents did a poor job raising such a girl who would break a family, and bring shame on her inlaws household.
She must be having an affair.
If she claims that he is abusive physically or emotionally, so what:-
The Quran says,
``Verse 34: Men are maintainers of women because Allah has made some of
them excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good
women are therefore obedient , guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded;
and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and
leave them alone in the sleeping places and beat them; then if they obey
you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great.`` Chapter 4 Al Nisa (The Women) There are many interpretations of this verse, from those using it to condone domestic violence, while others ignore it while advocating the hadith that speak of the use of kind treatment of women.
It is sad that when women seek counsel from religious Aalims, they tell them that bearing an abusive relationship is their Fard (duty), and with patience and prayer, Allah`s help will soon be with her. The barriers to seeking divorce are many: lack of economic independence, lack of education, South Asian culture that highly discourages women from speaking out, Society that looks down upon the women and their children especially daughters that demand divorce.
My mother demanded a divorce from my father, and so did my sister from her husband. Both were well educated, with considerable means but yet they still went through hell. My mama was lucky that she found someone who was willing to marry her even though she had three children from her previous marriage. My sister is still quite young, and doesnt want to get married yet, but I have learned something interesting, after me searching the Rishta market for her that more than 95% of men, even the divorced ones with one, two or three children dont want the rishta from a divorced woman with even a single child.
Our Pakistani society is extremely cruel, especially to women. Women and Men espousing cruelty to other women. Yes, they teach these women a lesson alright. How dare you demand a divorce, and get it. We shall make you pay a price for it, and reward you with alienation, snickers, snide remarks and assasination of your character.

``Aisha,
Your problem is straight and simple, you were educated in convent schools. Sad that zia did not close these warts on pak society. You should have gone to the madrassa, became the Nth wife of a sheikh and lived happily ever after.
Why cant you do something about this malady, start a movement to close such mind warping schools of pakistan``

Is this an attempt at humor or just the epitome of crassness.
If former, SO NOT FUNNY and if latter, Simply mean and ill informed.

Married life sucks in several ways … I once tried to acknowledge this to my younger sibling, who, as I had heard, was having a rough time adjusting to being married. Here’s part of the message I sent … for kicks …

++++++++++

Bhaiyya … welcome to the world of marriage. From here on everything goes downhill.

So dude ... marriage life is roughing you up ... bhai, hum ney to kaha tha ... magar aap na manay ... ab bhugtiyae. Abbu is right ... this is life ... and that`s it. The beginning of the end ... the mother of all crises. It`s like being sucked into a black hole … the world starts spinning … dizzying speed … time dilation … you are falling through space ... everything is fading away ... last thing you remember is iblees whispering something in your ear. Devilish laughter ... cold shivers … your mind goes numb.
Lights out.

… rrrrrrring ... huh? It`s the alarm clock ... time to get up and to start your day … you kiss your wife, trying to remember what day it is. Yes, definitely a working day. You rush to the bathroom wondering if you can do without shaving. No, meeting with the client ... so definitely a tie day ... which means the blue shirt with full sleeves ... but what about the ketchup stain on the side ... well it`s not too visible ... should be ok. You see a bottle of opium on the counter as you brush your teeth. Yes, you remember ... you gave one to Sana on her birthday ... or did you? You know you bought one ... maybe you gave it to Saeeda on the Valentine`s day ... Oh god ... these memories are like bad pennies ... always there at a bad time ...

Knock on the door ... wife wants to know if you`ll have french toasts for breakfast ... you mumble something as you rinse your mouth. She takes it as a yes and rushes to the kitchen ... hoping to help her husband start his day right. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, she remembers her mother telling her… as she tries to mimic the role of a dutiful wife ...

He he heeeeeee ... I am rolling with laughter as I type this ... Oh god ... life takes a sharp turn. And what can you do? Nothing much, I am afraid. So dude, roll with the punches ...laugh a little at yourself every now and then ... and hope it`ll all be ok some day.

later, Asad

For the man marriage is the most horrible relationship between the man and the woman. It almost always ends in bitterness if not earlier than after the menopause when the woman, what they call in Punjabi, becomes a `Phunder`, a sexless object. It is a biological fact that male is the stable form of all the living beings whereas the female is an unstable biological phenomenon, created for a limited expireable purpose of procreation, aptly described as ‘Kheti’ (tilth) in the Quran. As it is the institution of marriage is inherently a temporary arrangement only for the benefit of the woman and the children. As for the man he can have more enjoyable relationships with the ‘na-mehram’ women, like ‘Muttah’, ‘loundi-keep’, etc., etc. So I will advise the writer to be honest and not be selective in qouting Hadees only. She should realize that the most honourable option for relationship, which a woman can have with a ‘na-mehram’ man, is the marriage.

Beautifully and innocently written article.One thing that needs to be highlighted more is that Islam is not that regressive towards rights of women as is made out to be.Its more about citizens of male chauvinistic societies looking down upon women who seek to question their rights according to Islam. As I have said before,the interpretation of islamic laws have to be taken out of the hands of the male chauvinist mullahs, and more than half of the problems will be solved.
SaimaShah #5
Sometimes divorces happen because of kids,not inspite of them.I know of at least one mother who has taken a stand that the kid is not going to grow up in an atmosphere where the mother is abused and there is constant bickering.For one, maybe we are raising another generation of mcp`s that way who expect the woman to be taken for granted.
Secondly, I strongly believe that a child in a peaceful divided family has more chances of sanity and a normal life.
But the more important reason is that struggle is its own reward sometimes.It is not about a soulmate or love. It is about independence and living your own life the way you want to, having your own joys and sorrows .I know you have hinted on all that, but women have for so long been culturally conditioned to have a different centre of universe of their life than their own self,like family , kids, husband etc., and giving up on their identity to become emotionally and financially dependent on someone else, that I find the overall tenor of your post disturbing , to say the least.
amit #4 You are comparing the result of a study to your personal experience, so it is only you who can explain this contradiction, to yourself.

Aisha:

It`s a wonderfully written article, a bit of your personal history puts the frustrations in context. You haven`t had any articles published on Chowk, but you write fluently and coherently, so there must be more where this came from.

S

Saima`s point 1 is so true...and it really gets on my nerves.

A divorced man is considered no big deal while a divorced women is pretty much black listed. Such rubbish...

I recall a while back my brother being introduced to a girl, who it turned out was divorced. The two hit it off, and she was a very adorable person. He was okay with the fact that she was divorced, even though he had never married. My mother, on the other hand, was just too third world in her attitude...and too stubborn to bother with.

I don`t know where this attitude comes from...well, aside from that whole virgin bride thing...

Strange attitude this, especially from conservative Muslim societies since our earliest religious figures had no qualms with marrying the divorced...