The “D” Word

It is a point of view. More Plain of View. If the plain is where ``I``-ness is accentuated, seeking for ``gaining`` and divorcing for ``regaining`` will happen. In this plain one will find lot of 7th century Hadith or talk-show lawyers (plenty of them on AM/FM dial in metros of US) to guide you to make matter worse.


For a human the goal is happiness. Every child is born with the manual for it. Innocuously in many ways the child is taught to throw away this manual, which promotes balance and hard-to-put-in-words-feeling of one`s completeness or being part of the universal being or mind (Brahman). Well captured in ``OM poornam adaha, poornam idam, poornat poornamudachyate Poornasya poornamadaya poornameva avashishyate.`` Forget the words, if alien, the point is simple if one feels inside incomplete, all actions would come from this misunderstanding and makes one miserable (miser=one who feels whatever one has is insufficient be it marriage or wealth).


It`s very hard to not be in action. You have to peddle constantly to keep the balance on the bicycle. You have to marry unless you are Kalam, Lata Mangeshkar or Swamis and have family. So wise either take things, relationships and the actions not so seriously and add humor to it.


Other seriously minded wise not own any actions or relationships ... they have an attitude of offering or they think this as ``leela`` happening due to ``supreme-being`` will ... they have reached the destination before embarking on the journey. They have Sh-anti.


Thanks to the author for throwing light to discover the truth! I hope this 2-paisa worth was helpful and kind (non-judgmental). We are all in same boat which is rocked by the waves of ``gaining`` and ``regaining``

Saima,

I liked your post # 5.

However point 4 does not make sense. (4. The best way for a woman to get through marriage is to pretend you aren`t married and keep on growing your identity. Be emotionally strong. )

Why should anyone pretend...... why can`t this be a persons goal.....i.e. grow ones identity (for both men and women) in a marriage. What stops them from doing so? I know that men do it but not sure if a woman would do it because as the article says..... a girl is brought up with only marriage in mind. So until a woman decides that she would like to have her own identity nothing will happen. (even if her husband would want her to have one). So to all married women who are reading this..... please grow your own identity...... it will do wonders for you and will also help your partners.

There are two things that stick out from this essay:

what is an ``arranged marriage``

We seem to have overused this terminology, even though the meanings of what is an ``arranged marriage`` have changed considerably over decades. An arranged marriage by deifinition is a marriage where parents decide who their children should get married to, and children have little to no input into it.

On the other hand, parents playing a part in ``introducing`` their children to potential mates is NOT an arranged marriage - given that children have all the rights to refuse to proceed if they so desire.

why did the author NOT refuse before getting married?

This the second sticking point. If a convent educated girl did not have the courage to take a stand, what hope there is for her less educated or average gender-mates? Also, I truly feel that in this case it is the man who comes out to be victim. He had to go through a painful divorce process, not because he abused you or said/did anything harmful. Instead, you divorced him because of what you convientently term as ``mental incompatibility``. So yes, they were less intellectual than you. But then, if you were all that intellectual and ``opinionated``, as you say you are, then perhaps more responsibility lies on YOUR shoulders for saying yes to this marriage.

Indeed, divorce is a painful subject and there are many women in Pakistan who go through REAL abuse in their relationships. But going by what you have written, my sympathies go with your ex-husband.

wish you the best of luck and success in your endeavours. marriage is the most frightening thing and a blessing in disguise. it has to be the most contradictory of all exercises in our life. something that alters our path permanently and defines us for our remaining years. standing at its threshold i can honestly say im petrified, excitedly anxious but petrified.
for you i pray you find your mental physical and emotional peace in life, and soon, be it through your spouse your children or other passions.

Soysauce:

And who determines the nuances of that ``despicable`` culture?

I am sure it must some nincompoop = an eastern male.

To comment to JAY # 36

The problem is not with the Convent schools, if such was the case then parents would not put their girls on waiting lists as soon as they were born so that they may have a chance to attend such fine educational institutions. It is the system of education and the individuality that these girls are taught that they go on to become contributing members of society. I attended Lahore Convent and I thank my parents for giving me the opportunity to get a solid and diversified education. Let me mention just a few illustrious convent students such as Benazir Bhutto, Sheema Kirmani, and the first woman to represent Pakistan in Olympics is also a convent student . Most of the students come from strong influential families and then themselves get highly educated and successful. Many of these women head companies, are active in politics and are writers, poets, artists, leaders, doctors and lawyers.
Also to state to post # 27....
A woman`s worth is not dependant upon her husband rather rooted deeply in her own credibility as an individual but unfortunately we never view a woman as a complete individual in her own right. Divorce may sometimes be a last resort to normalize some extenuating circumstances. Marriage is the joining together of two individuals possessing their own ideas and identities, and sometimes fate has it that they cannot live together so a much needed divorce may not be anyone`s fault, rather the culmination of a relationship where two people who were simply wrong for each other.
Being divorced also does not necessarily mean someone is a bad person, as there may or may not be unfortunate circumstances. Bad relationships can sometimes act as teachers and divorced individuals can learn greatly from their past circumstances and these experiences teach courage, humility, strength and self reliance.

To comment to JAY # 36

The problem is not with the Convent schools, if such was the case then parents would not put their girls on waiting lists as soon as they were born so that they may have a chance to attend such fine educational institutions. It is the system of education and the individuality that these girls are taught that they go on to become contributing members of society. I attended Lahore Convent and I thank my parents for giving me the opportunity to get a solid and diversified education. Let me mention just a few illustrious convent students such as Benazir Bhutto, Sheema Kirmani, and the first woman to represent Pakistan in Olympics is also a convent student . Most of the students come from strong influential families and then themselves get highly educated and successful. Many of these women head companies, are active in politics and are writers, poets, artists, leaders, doctors and lawyers.
Also to state to post # 27....
A woman`s worth is not dependant upon her husband rather rooted deeply in her own credibility as an individual but unfortunately we never view a woman as a complete individual in her own right. Divorce may sometimes be a last resort to normalize some extenuating circumstances. Marriage is the joining together of two individuals possessing their own ideas and identities, and sometimes fate has it that they cannot live together so a much needed divorce may not be anyone`s fault, rather the culmination of a relationship where two people who were simply wrong for each other.
Being divorced also does not necessarily mean someone is a bad person, as there may or may not be unfortunate circumstances. Bad relationships can sometimes act as teachers and divorced individuals can learn greatly from their past circumstances and these experiences teach courage, humility, strength and self reliance.

What I don`t understand is how all of you ended up in this sad muddle. You`re obviously well-educated independent individuals. Family pressures I understand but the number of people I have met who have given in to them only to get divorced a month ... a year ... five years down the line ... I don`t understand that – but that’s easy for me to say. On the other hand what’s encouraging is the number of women I have met or heard about in the last year or so who have married, had a child (or not) divorced and then remarried. How difficult it must have been and what they went through in the meantime only they know ... but as Saima said ... no regrets. You do it for the kids ... they grow up and get on with their lives ... and then you say but I did it all for you ... and what will they say ``why mom ... it was bitter, it was tense, we cried ourselves to sleep .. why did you stay``. And then there will be the ones who`ll say ``why didn`t you stay`` ?


I don`t for a moment mean to take away from the seriousness of the ``D-act`` and all that it implies for the woman, the kids and the families. Still if there`s only one life to live and all the “hurs” in heaven are for the men than hey what have women got to lose ... but their lives :)

Romair #25
This may be a tad too difficult to grasp, but independence and compromise are not antithetical to each other. In fact, you have to be independent to make a compromise.
Actually, it is not really surorisingfor men to talk about family values and compromise and high ideals etc. and cringe at the talk of identity, because they are the status quo power here.They want the change in their lives to be minimal after marriage,but would expect the woman to adjust to monumental changes in the name of tradition.They will conjure up as many straw men as they can, such as ``Eastern culture is good, Western culture is bad``, ``family values``, ``we respect our woman more``,``future of children`` etc. This ``respect`` is nothing but a veiled threat to conform to the stereotype. When they say compromise, they mean submission. If the status quo has to change, then there will be divorces;and women will be labelled homebreakers etc. Now it is entirely upto the women to choose what they want.
And I do agree with Romair that they have to be a bit firm when they are getting married, too.Not say no to marriage, but to realize what they want from a marriage and a life partner and try to find such a person.
Amit #24 Can you explain the equivalence between a divorcee and a person who has been fired from a job?

Rahul_capri #38: ``Romair #25
This may be a tad too difficult to grasp, but independence and compromise are not antithetical to each other. In fact, you have to be independent to make a compromise. ``

I don`t think I said they are completely antithetical to each other. But they can and will be on certain occassions. What to talk of getting married, even if one is living with a room-mate one has to give up part of one`s independence and comprimise. If people are completely into independence and self-growth, they should not get married, because they will be unable to handle the comprimises that are involved. The problem starts when people want their complete independence (both men and/or women) and and unhindered self-growth and they want to get married also.

ZahraJ #37: ``I am sure it must some nincompoop = an eastern male.``

You seem to have a lot of pent-up anger and racist feelings for, ``Easterners;`` specifically Eastern males. Why is that? Do you have any close associates/family members etc. who are Eastern males? How have your experiences with them been?

One should refrain from such racist and bigoted views that generalize..........

jay,

......... welcome back !........ the chowk was getting a little boring ....... you are like a breath of fresh tsunami ! ........... we pakis owe you a huge debt for keeping the sand moving under our feet ............

......... personally, i think this whole marriage thing is highly overrated .......... there is nothing sacred about a contract that has been sanctified by uttering some gibberish in arabic, circling a fire and then digging into a plate of korma sprinkled with cow urine from banaras or dried camel doo from mecca .............. all the contract does is give you the right to have unispired sex as taught by the misssionaries and get some unskilled, but low-paid, help to raise kids ......... i guess it is good for kids to be raised in a ``traditional`` two parent family, but even that is debatable - i know some legitimate bast@rds who have nothing over perfectly good folks born out of wedlock after a one night stand and a malfunctioning diaphragm ..........

......... most desis of our parents` generation stayed married simply because there really weren`t any other options for the woman ............. the poor women put up with crap from the husband and his family, toiling in the kitchen, raising snotty-nosed kids and putting up with verbal and physical abuse - all for a little food and shelter and clothing .............they lived lonely miserable lives and died horrible deaths .............the men came and went as they pleased, jumping into bed for a little grunting sex and then kicking their wives out of bed before dawn to fix breakfast for the extended family of fifty louts .......... life was good for men on earth before they moved on to live in an eternal orgy with seventy buxom houris and an unlimited supply of viagra .................

........... but now things are a little different and they will be a lot more different if they ever come up with viagra for women .......... regrdless of what some conventional feminist might say, chemistry and not universal suffrage was the key to women`s liberation ........the pill set them free, the morning-after pill added to their freedm and ms-viagra will truly liberate them ............ so we have to sit down and rethink this whole marriage thing ............

............ i have to run now, but in part-II we will talk about how people continue to live in misery because they get hung up on how to divy up the china and the living room furniture ............... no big whup! ........... give her the dishes and take the lazy boy and tv .......... that`s all a man needs

#42: You seem to take every comment personally. One should refrain from taking that approach unless one is a Nincompoop. Reserve your twisted arguments and tainted logic for someone else who may appreciate them. With that said, do not address me again.

43:hamidm2:
and I thoroughly endorse and encore the same old hamidm2. It was a shock to see you writing sensible and serious posts.
It seems George Carlin`s runs or re-runs, alongwith some Carling piss, are pumping the humour glands again.

It is this visage of yours that is so adorable. Never ever again try to write when sober.

Jay

Good to see you back, I heard that you had died of some horrible rectal disease, but I see you have survived. Among all these dheet hindus you are one of a kind.

Urstruly # 23 - you wrote ``That is the reason no woman will go to heaven, unless her husband approves of it and no man will go to heaven unless his mother approves of it. ``

I have heard of the ``paradise beneath mother`s feet``. But must admit I had never heard of the ``approval`` part in regards to husband and mother. Could you provide some references as to where you got this from?

Thanks.

echo,

and certainly We (carlin and i) have revealed to you clear communications and none disbelieve in them except the transgressors