Am I Insane?

Hmm.... I did not think of responding to this post but looking at responses ranging from unsympathetic to hostile, I feel that I have to respond.

Dear Emma, clearly, you are at the receiving end here. There should be no doubt about that. As for your ``snobbery`` and your in-lawas calling you ``be-ghairat`` etc, it happens in a lot of cases but rarely results in a divorce. Usually, in these cases the husband and wife start living separately or a baby is born etc.

However in this case, something is seriously missing: Jawad has no inclination to work this marriage out. The question is why. I mean, certainly no man wants to leave his wife for a $300 service provider in Europe or US or just because the wife is snobbish.

I think Jawad is in a serious relationship with somebody else and he has confided in his mother who may or may not have told his dad. I also think that his parents do not want you guys to separate.

This is the best possible reason for Jawad acting in this strange fashion. Verify this and if this indeed turns out to be the case, leave him and PDK. PDK is not a place for modern women with law degrees, JFK is.

Re:HP#15

The root of the problem could be that the author is a Pakistani-American (or ABCD) while her husband is from Pakistan. That is always very difficult to work out given the large cultural differences. I have seen successful marriages between ABCDs and FOBs, but they are rare. Typically they face problems related to communication and the ability to understand the other person.

In fact marriages between non-desis and desis are not as difficult as those between ABCDs and FOBS. That is because when you marry a non-desi you know what you are getting into and are mentally prepared for the challenge. When FOBs and ABCDs get married, they often try to overlook their cultural difference by focusing on the exterior similarity like similar family, religion etc. Once they are together the differences kick in real hard and you realize the blunder.

dear chowk staff,

.........there must be some kind of mistake - i think this letter was meant for ``dear abby``........

Are you waiting to be invited to the party?

If not, pack your bags lady.

Emma,

u have the audacity to disparage ur spouse`s family by labeling them as uneducated and ``rags to riches``. And looking at ur brother`s response, it seems to me that u and ur family r not that behind either in their jahalat.

u said: ``Belonging to an educated family unlike my in-laws ( just rags to riches) I have a sophisticated way of doing things. It may seem normal to many of you but having three course meals with starters is not a trend with my in laws! They labeled me too modern and outgoing. New York maybe in America but for everyone but my in laws, they think it is in Pind Dhadan Khan. ``


If u r so liberated and modern, y the hell u married a guy without living with him?

Who was holding a pistol on ur head to marry a pakistani and muslim guy ?

emma,

i hesitate to give a stranger advice on their personal life, but you have brought this to us, and we can either be silent, or tell you what is on our minds.

we at chowk are quite liberal with our advice. no one here will know what is best for you, but you. but consider this: it has been eighteen months. there is no child to think about, or is there? my mother (who is a self-respecting woman) stayed with my father for thirty-eight years thinking that one day he just might change. and he did in one way -- he ended up leaving her. there were moments, little pockets of happiness in those years, but there was also a lot of pain, a lot of self-doubt on her part, a lot of erosion of self-esteem. . .and while he`s gone on with his life, and remarried (the woman he left my mother for), the fallout from all those years still affects her every now and then.

if your marriage has been such that you are not happy, that your husband continues to say ``please leave me``, that you two are now living apart. . . is this a life you want to continue living? only you can answer that question yourself. but to stay with a crutch, with something that drains you emotionally and mentally. . . is damaging more so to yourself than to anyone else. and so ultimately you have to make that decision for yourself, not your parents, not your brother and his family. and if your brother could understand that, if he loves his wife, if his wife is nothing like her brother, then why leave her?

you`re not insane. but you are confused. and if you wait for him to come back to his senses and be a ``proper`` husband to you, chances are you will be waiting a helluva long time. and only you can know whether that`s worth it or not. and from what you`ve described, take some serious time out during this separation and rather than thinking about whether he will change his mind, think about his NOT changing his mind, and who all that will affect.

it is said that love is patient and kind, that love bears all things. . . but i have read nothing of love or affection in here, except possibly the love you have for your own family. . . and your brother, and just as much as you cannot bear to see his marriage broken up, can he bear to see you going through this? do you think he will be happy knowing that his sister is living a lie to keep his marriage together? that`s rather harsh, but there it is. there`s no sense in being completely selfish. . . but being completely selfless in this case is not the answer either. and martyrdom isn`t always offered selflessly either. and what if after all your refusals, he is the one to leave and thus force total separation upon you?

the road you are on is not an easy one, but there is a bend, and another path. . . and i wish you all the best. . . and apologize for anything that appears like unwelcome advice. what is most important is that you remain safe, and strong.

all the best
--ana

I don’t like to comment on personal issues but if someone wants you to be in their bedroom, then I think it is time to put some sense into their head.
Emma, I don’t know how to say this and I know the whole women lib crowd would tear me apart once I am finished with this post.

I will try to be candid but if I am not; ignore my post and go along your complaining ways.
First principle in arranged or semi arranged marriages like that; never disparage your spouse’s family not until you develop a level a comfort with them that comes with years of dealing and living with a family. Your first problem; you look down on his family. They may be from Pind Dadan Khan but they are not exactly stupid either else, he would not have successful business in the US. you grew up in the US but you made this bed and you should be ready to sleep in it too. You need to show respect to his family, as you want him to respect your family. Snotty is the word for people like you who look down on others and it shows thru. You husband is a nice guy respect him for that. It seems to me that he never disparaged your family neither did he bring your attitude up with your brother. I think that was a nice thing to do and he deserves credit for that.
Second, you sound like you are from Pind Dadan Khan. What is wrong with drinking? Smoking yeah, gross habit but moderate drinking is acceptable in the US and you ought to know that.
People have roving eyes guys have them and gals have them. That’s not something you cannot live with as long as he was not making an ass of himself, ogling should not have worried you at all. Gosh, I know gals and guys who share their spouses with friends and others. Just ogling should not be some thing to worry about at all. Btw, if I see some good-looking hot girl, not only I check her out completely but make sure that my spouse also looks at the girl to tell me that her nose is crooked. Holy cow, when my father was alive, we used to check out good-looking girls together. I caught him several times in hospital right before he died and he was still checking out Nurses. My ex-wife and the current one always tell me when they see a good-looking guy and they are middle aged now. You need to relax.
Now other women! That I think is serious! When did that start? After you had shown your contempt for his family and after he was disgusted with your attitude? If he was going at it from the very beginning, then you should have worked him on this issue alone w/o bringing his family roots into it.
One last thing self-made people develop into their own and often it is hard for them to listen to somebody they barely know. Your husband may have continued with his way because he was set in his ways before the marriage and found it hard to cut it out right after the marriage. Pak and Indian men have false sense of pride, it takes them some time to submit to their women; once they do, they follow them like puppy dog. Learn to pay attention to little thing.
My advice to you:
Stop calling him and harassing him. Write neat little letters instead telling how much you love him and how much you would like to be with him and do that every other day until he calls you.
Now if he had physically abused you, then dump him right now and don’t look back. Those guys are not worth any effort.

Re: Article
“I know I’m a Pakistani, but while living in New York I have never sheltered myself from what’s happening around me. Went to University Parties, never drank booze or did drugs and did not appreciate others doing it either. But took it in my stride, and accepted other people`s way of living.

Like most Pakistani men, Jawad is a very liberal guy when it comes to himself. He drinks, takes his occasional weed, eyes up gals.I discover these traits after our marriage.”

You and your husband seem to be very different people.

Some marriages are made in heaven for the rest its best to end them as soon as possible.

Good luck,

Faruk

sorry to sound harsh, but no self respecting woman should stay with a man who doesn`t love her or respect her

you`re educated and can have a wonderful future, with or without a man.... don`t get bullied or intimidated by family members, cuz in the end, you have to do what`s best for you, you`re the one living with the outcomes of your decisions, not anyone else

leave him take care of yourself, and be at peace.... as for your bhabhi and your brother leaving her, if their marriage is strong, they will stay with each other, if not, the inevitable will happen no matter what you decide about your marriage

good luck and be strong

I know you are thinking about your brother`s family and also trying to save your own marraige, but there is a limit to what you can sacrifice.

From what you have said about your husband he really does seem like a typical Pakistani male with double standards. You tried your best to save your marraige with him. I think it is time to let go. As far as your brother`s marraige is concerned, he is being very unfair with the way he is dealing with it. But if he does want to give up his wife for just this reason, then that is HIS problem and decision and actually his wife should have an issue with it. If I were in your place I would get out of this marraige and tell your brother to do whatever he wants. I am sure your brother will come around because no one wants to end their marraige like this.

Emma Nisa:

This is the tragedy of the modern, educated and liberated women of the East. You wouldn`t get your rightful place by begging for it. Many feminists argue and argue endlessly how unfairly women are treated by the men. When the time comes to stand up and assert, they start withering and crumbling.

I cannot suggest what you should do in your situation. but if you believe your husband is a `jerk` who cheats on you, do what a liberated woman ought to do. Else, promise not to complain of male chauvinism. They would continue leading double lives until they are stared in the face and made to blink.

I am sorry to read your story. Thousands of other women have similar stories but they`re living their lives quietly. They have compromised the way it is customary in our society.

If you want to get even and have the heart to do it, strat having a double life yourself and let him know it. Now you might be thinking, ``Is freethinker insane?``

``Like most Pakistani men, Jawad is a very liberal guy when it comes to himself. He drinks, takes his occasional weed, eyes up gals.I discover these traits after our marriage. ``

Sounds like a scumbag. Now ask yourself, is this what your bargained for? Is this fair to you? It is not being selfish to want to leave. If he puts his work above his family then you need to think of yourself first in this situation.

People WILL judge you, and you will be blamed. That is the evil in your society. Your brother may indeed also suffer a bit. If the wife of your brother is anything like your husband, then you both will only benefit by thinking of yourselves first. Your brother WILL manage. As for what other people will say...there is no easy way out. Which path offers the least long term resistance? Either way, only you know. From my position of comfort, I`m inclined to say: get rid of him. One way or the other. Just get rid of him.

And no, you`re not crazy.

Only you can decide for yourself. Just don`t live your entire life looking out for your uncaring husband, or even ur sis-in-law...what you could do, however, would be to try and knock some sense into your brother. In any case, at the end of the day, you`re not responsible if other adults ruin their lives over fragile egos. There comes a point when you have to be selfish and look out for yourself.

paindupastry #7,
I am just curious to know, how is her brother`s marraige affected by Emma`s marraige? Do you mean to say her brother`s wife would leave her brother if Emma`s leaves her husband?

Re: # 3

Her brother will have to leave his marriage as his wife is the sister of Emma`s husband. If she breaks her ties with her husband in the present circumstances his brothers marriage is in jeapordy anyways. I think its wrong to blame her brother for anything.

She should divroce this guy though. He isn`t worth it.

That is why ``watta satta`` is frowned upon amongst many Pbis....leads to problems....we shunned all such proposals for our siblings.

Your parents and brother are modern enough to take you back; yet backward enough to send the bhabi back.

You write well. You are educated enough to show your family the stupidity of sending the bhabi back.

You are more aware of your situation, and can make a better decision, than chowkies reading this. If the split is inevitable, why prolong the pain.

Desis can`t judge others character in decades. And they can reveal the character of their fiances, future in laws in mere seconds. I`ve seen too many cases of such ``dhokhas``.