Am I Insane?

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DearAbby

You people are all a bunch of nuts. Your brother says of his wife ``she will pack up and leave``, indicating his lack of commitment to marriage. As for your ``Syed`` family that wont marry outside their ``caste`` - with all due respect, you almost certainly had a liar among your ancestors (like virtually every ``Syed`` or ``Qureshi`` in Pakistan). And even if someone can demonstrate direct lieage to the prophet muhammed (which even fellows living in mecca cant prove anyway), so bloody what?

Surely your husband cant be worse than this dysfunctional family you were raised in. So you might as well enjoy it - the more nuts the merrier.

#79 by ZahraJ on March 5, 2005 10:31pm PT
Zahra,

Okay my last post was a quick response. In this case, there seems to be lots egos involved. You got to read her story again and you will see that she was not ready to respect him and his family from the very beginning and that set off the whole thing. Now I think she wants to change that because she still thinks she loves him. I think she needs to try and save her marriage until she knows that it is over.

Casino etc. are lame stories. People go to these places for fun and if she was in good relations from the very begining, she could have gone with him too.

=== Interact Removed ===

#79 by ZahraJ on March 5, 2005 10:31pm PT


No way Zahra! We were actually civil about the whole thing. After years of marriage, we realized that we were headed in different directions. We did some soul searching and felt that we did not love each other enough to stay in marriage. Still, it was a tough decision for both of us. Needless to say; we never had our families involved in the whole thing.
We are still friends and very good friends too.
let`s not talk about it any further. Thanks.

Nazar:

You need to understand the difference between assertive vs. aggressive. She is not at all aggressive from any angle. Yes, each woman with a backbone ought to be assertive! Some have it in their blood and some acquire it as they grow up.

Sir, you are still a naive man!

Nope, women ain`t underdogs! In your culture that may be true, but don`t you dare to make a sweeping remark like that. Our women are trapped by their environments. Majority hesitates to take charge of their lives. They need to overcome fears and hurdles. It requires a risk taking attitude and the desire to take a plunge. This comes with practice! Do not you ever categorize them as underdogs! The world is not equal to the ruthlessness prevalent in your neck of the woods.

HP:

Did you treat your 1st wife the way Jawad is treating Emma?

Nb & ZahraJ # 75 & #76

Ok. My last sentence sounded cruel. But believe me, this is how majority of marriages cling on in our areas.

Marriage may be a necessity, requirement, ritual or an obligation but it is not necessarily a BLISS.

The kind of problem that Emma is having, it is common in marriages - just look around - even your parents, uncles, others. Marriage is supposed to be a difficult enterprise requiring a lot of sacrifice. Months without sex - it happens, can happen. These are those silent fights that husbands and wives have. It is probably more unbearable when in 30s.

Here we have only Emma`s story.

Let me do some loud thinking. Emma, a New Yorker, comes out as a confidant, intelligent person who knows what she wants. She is a no-nonsense woman and can take decisions. She is aggressive.

Jawad, as it seems, is brought up on limited resources. He has struggled. He is a timid Mama`s boy - wants to achieve something, wants to prove something, is not sure of himself. He is overawed by Emma and does not know how to handle an aggressive stronger personality.

Forgive me what for what I am going to say now. The above husband & wife profile will bring out a Jawad exactly as described in the article. Almost frigid, even suffering from temporary impotence in bed when faced with an agressive wife. (Zaraj, it is impossible to rape a man where all sex gets worked up in mind)

I have all the respect for your compassion. Women are underdogs. But here, we are not getting the full picture.

nhk

I was playing basketball with my son this afternoon and he complained that I wasn’t paying attention. True, I wasn’t; because I was thinking of you! You see I understand you cry for help because I know what you are talking about you are in my thoughts. I have sent many people to asylum but I think I need to save you from going insane. This, I think will be my atonement.
Somebody said people who have never married wouldn’t know what marriage is and I will further add that People who have not gone thru a divorce don’t know what divorce is.

Did you see how these people have begun to disbelieve you? From sympathy to now people are suggesting that your story is all made up. I know they are not right. Even the weekend warrior Ms. ZahraJ is out here in full force with Mukhataran mai to steal this board from you. (Btw, She was right. how could you have kids w/o your hubby…well you actually could but…)

What they don’t understand is that you still love Jawad. I think that makes you miserable and you wanna try harder to make it work for your love’s sake. In my previous posts and now, I would again suggest that your approach to your marriage was wrong from the very beginning. However, you were honest enough to write about that and now it is time for you to reverse you approach.
For starter, sit back and stop calling him. Think about him but try not being obsessive all the time. Time is the biggest healer. Given some space, you two would begin to think about the whole affair rationally and would come to some decision that would be right for you.
You marriage is more than half way over and getting back in relationship again, would be a slow process.
Good Luck and I will have more advice for you in the morning.

Re: # 74
nhk,
What a terrible idea that she should have a child and make a dificult situation even worse for herself, and give a child such an unhappy start in life.
Emma, one more thing-it doesn`t matter what situation anyone else is in; yours is the only situation that matters to you. There is no point in comparisons here. Similarly, when you make a decision, yours is the only happiness that should matter to you, you must be selfish, because no one else can get you out of this.

Re: # 74

Mohtaram Nazar Hyat Khan Saheb:

How should she become a mother of a sweet kid when her husband in not giving her the right attention? The woman is openly saying that she has not slept with her husband in 8 months. Did you miss the bombastic opening ? Was this an intentional oversight or you did not want to accept it?

Do you have any recommendations for her on how to rape this Jawad guy? I am sorry for taking that route, but if you are engaging someone in an activity without their consent then it is ``RAPE``. If the man is saying to her that she should leave him then she should. On the other end, if she had the same sentiments then he should have stepped back and left her. That is an ideal scenario of equality and mutual respect.

How do you know that the husband does not have multiple ``legit`` or ``illegit`` cute kids shopping at some malls in Amsterdam?

Sir, you are a very naive man despite all your adventurous stories on Chowk!

My initial impulse would be `Dump the bastaxd``. But NO.

I have seen too many husband-wife squabbles to pronounce judgement after listening to only one side.

The fact that Emma`s brother has already threatened a reciprocal action against his wife, who is absosultely innocent, is highly disturbing.

This is not a `Mukhtaran Bibi` environment. Everyone is well educated, well travelled and well off. It is a complex cultural mish-mash - Partly living in free western norms and partly subscribing to the Mandi Bahauddin Syndrome.

No. Emma could also be at fault. We do not know all the facts. Jawad says ``Emma please leave me?``

This is not the language used by the Guys who we think Jawad is? - Emma could end up with a worst husband.

Just become a mother of a little sweet kid and all pieces should fall togather.

nhk

Hamid,

The kids will survive-if we stop treating it like a Bollywood tamasha. Better to be raised in a stable home than one full of messed up dynamics. Meanwhile, kudos to the grownups for facing these decisions like adults.

In this case, the writer asked and chowk readers delivered...in manifold ways...

btw, how scared are you of Mrs. Hamid interacting on chowk?

Re: # 60

saminasha,

........... not to make light of it, but unless it is a case of spousal abuse - mental or physical -marital problems and divorce are way - i mean, waaaay - down on the list of issues that people face ............ sure it is agonizing for the parties involved, but it is not a major social, poilitical or religious issue .......financial? maybe ........... in short, it is lufangebazi and entertainment for voyeurs and oprah fans ............

.......... having been married for almost two decades, i know a lot of people (pakis) who are divorced or are going through a divorce .......(somehow we think that desis are immune from these problems - but it is not true anymore and it is no big whup).............. right now i know of three-four couples who are splitting up after fifteen to twenty years of marrige - i hear one story from mrs hamidm and her circle of cackling hens, another from the randy roosters, and yet another from the mullah brigade !........... the truth lies somewhere in between ......... and to tell you the truth, it is only the kids who really suffer - the adults get over it very very quickly ...............

.......... that`s why i simply can`t get worked up over ms emma`s silly little problem - not getting laid for eight months is not the end of the world (sorry)...........

Hamid Sahib,

How surprising you share the most durable of isms with your neocon brothers...the devaluation of all disciplines not included in the institutions of hard science....listen, I hear Larry Summers is looking for a writer...

From reading the various interactions from Pakistani women - both married and umarried - on this site, it seems as there is an almost universal dislike/hatred of male marriage prospects, a mixed reaction towards husbands, and a great deal of liking for fathers........

Based on this, one would have to say that Pakstani men make terrible marriage candidates, average husbands and excellent fathers...........

Apparently they get better with age (and experience), I guess.........By the time their own daughters get to a marrying age, they sort things out about themselves, and realize what terrible marraige candidates they, themselves, were at that age. And apparently warn (perhaps over-warn) their daughters to watch out for such marraige candidates..........

And the cycle continues........till the newly wed guy, becomes a dad........