Am I Insane?

My first initial reaction to reading the story was...What an idiot? Dump him. But then i decided to rethink the whole issue through.

Like our most cliched quote goes ``tali do hathoon say bajti hai`` (a clap only happens with two hands). If there`s a Ying, there has to be a Yang. Questions that came to my mind were: ``Why was he so happy to parade you around?``. From my limited experience, guys really don`t do that, unless they`re really proud of their fiances or are in love with them. Ego is not that big a factor (IMHO) as you might think. If he seemed happy. than he must have been happy that you were in his life.

So you guys got married. What changed? Did you guys stop caring about the other, the same way. Did you whine too much? Marriage does mean that you WILL Start taking each other for granted. It takes a lot to make marriage work. If you expected Fireworks and romances, and candlelight dinners and so forth, boy you must have been disappointed. Did you think he would take you everywhere with you, maybe even that you could help him run the company?

My advice to you would be to first get along with his family first. Somehow your patronizing attitude is not the most conducive towards resolving this issue. So you`re an American. BIG DEAL! Get off the high horse. Either you shouldn`t have accepted a desi, but now since you have, learn what moves him rather than expecting him to change for you. When you join a new company, you don`t tell your bosses what to do. You lie low till you`re a part of the organization and then you propose your changes. I wonder what would happen if a newbie comes to a company and tells the boss, you`re an idiot and that`s not the way to do things? That`s basically the situation in a Pakistani household. Your in-laws are the CEO and you`re telling your CEO that you dont` know how to run things.

Also, See what problems have to be resolved? Ever thought of asking him why he wants to leave you. Ask nicely. A whiny tone is not the way to go. It drives a man away. Neither is constant badgering. SMS/email him that you`d like to talk to him and that he should call you when he`s not busy. Keep at it on a periodic basis until he complies and he will. Periodic does not mean everyday btw. Tell him you were thinking of him, that you miss YOUR Hubby and ask him what you have to change (and perhaps why he wants you to change) and what you want him to change in return. Read between the lines. Men are usually very hesitant at telling their real reasons.

Third, you don`t run to your previous company for advice when you get to a new job. Every new job is difficult, but so what. You have to adapt and learn. Similarly, you have to adapt to a new culture of the place. That`s how survival occurs. Adaptation and Change. Stop looking towards your family like a child. You`re a grown woman and a Lawyer. Why do you need these crutches or are you like the proverbial spoilt child ``It`s my party and i`ll cry if i want to`` kinda person. Take your life in your hands and stop running to others to help you resolve your own crises.

The woman is the head of the household in the desi culture? A new wife carries a lot of expectations on her shoulders. More than the husband, she is to be the one who has to be the `SuperWoman` in handling the household, children, guests, husband, everything in fact.

By the way, i don`t think your hubby`s on an Ego trip. I just think he`s finding it hard to communicate with you. Maybe he`s even hurt. Don`t know. No man ever runs away (especially one whose a successful business man) just like that.

and one more thing. Divorce is the easy way out. Haven`t you seen Americans. 50% divorce rate. You marry. You find out your hubby likes Marlboroughs more than Dunhills, you divorce the guy. That`s the psyche there.

You can try it out...but what i think:

1. Stop thinking you`re the martyr and how much you gave up for this guy and marriage.

2. Stop being the typical American ``EDUCATED`` Woman and actually find out what this marriage requires. Americans are notorious for being selfish and not looking at what the world requirements are. Try to be a little more Paki.

I wish you luck in whatever decision you take. Love does conquer all and if there`s a WILL to change things, than things WILL Change. See if you have it.

Hey Emma , you will do well to listen to Uncle HP aka Hacked Penis....he is rather harmless really....and got plenty of experience , being divorced once or twice for his inability to perform certain vital functions that...you know..women ideally expect from their husbands....

These days , poor old Uncle HP spends much of his time acting as a harmless agony uncle to young women such as yourself besides venting his vast-reservoir of impotent fury on those bloody hindians...

There are three reasons that I wanna give you more advice on your very public marriage woes.
1. I had a good time in the bar.
2. Nobody had asked my advice on marriage/divorce before.
3. I am the most experienced person on these issues on chowk.

One bonus reason is that I have nothing to dump on the RSS/BJP tonight. (Harish is stuck in some silly village.)

Your brother has nothing to do with your marriage. You never asked his advise when you got married. So stop running to him and don’t ruin his marriage because your marriage is bust. (Mostly by you, I must add.)
Why did you post your story on chowk? 1. You don’t have anybody to talk to or 2. You need sympathy and want the world to know how bad your husband is.
I am also skeptical of your story. Why is he asking you to leave but won’t initiate divorce himself? I really think you need to look at the mirror frequently.

Marriage is a difficult institution. You can have a cavalier attitude about it or you work on it to make it a success. Sometime men have to work on their marriages but the truth is, it is mostly women who end up working on their marriages.
First two years of any marriage are most demanding. That is even truer in our culture when a new bride has to learn a new family and has to deal with new relations. It is extremely tough and often takes a toll on marriage.
In your case, I keep thinking that may be you two stopped respecting each other very early in your marraige. Why did that happen? Do you have any idea? May be just may be you never asked to go with him on business trips politely.
One last thing I wanna say and I hope you would understand my point: divorce is not the end of the world. Sometime, good comes out of the bad situations and may be this is the time for you to move on. First few months after the divorce would be worst; you would think about your husband all the time but eventually whole thing would come to a pass.

My last advice to you, until I have more for you in the morning; don’t listen to Indian hillbillies!

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Dear Miss Nisa,
I so totally empathize with you. You poor thing. Here`s a Hug!!! Extending a Cyber HUG@@
It must be extremely psychologically draining to stay in marriage with Jawad.
My dear, Your brother needs to understand that he cant punish another woman for his brother`s misdeeds. Your Bhabi has done nothing wrong, but it seems that her lot has probably improved by coming into your enlightened family. I am assuming that if you have a certain cultured way of doing things, so would your parents and brother.

You need to be strong!
Kick Jawad to the Curb!
File for divorce from him!
Get half of everything he owns!
Hit him where it would hurt him the most!
It is apparent that he has no love or respect for you.
Why stay with such a man!
You are wasting your time. You could be rid of him, and this time find a guy for yourself. Someone who would love you, care for you, and most of all respect you as a person.

My sister got a divorce from her good for nothing husband. I am so glad that she did. She is so much more happy now. She has no restrictions on her person. She comes and goes as she pleases. She works and spends her money as she pleases. She is working on her Law Degree and if she finds a decent man, so be it.

You too will find a man who is right for you.
You and Jawad, it seems live on two separate mental planes. Your education and independence threatens him.
Men like him tend to want to marry girls who are above their class, just to validate their own worth and masculinity, but your constant presence reminds him how inadequate he truly is and how low of a self esteem he has, thus those idiotic restrictions on you, critique of your behaviors, etc. He wants you to leave him because he wants to gain the satisfaction that I married this upperclass sophisticated educated girl and `` I left her``. What is she compared to me? Its a powertrip honey!

You need to talk to my sister. She married beneath her social class but his complexes turned the marriage intoa living hell for her.

Zahra Like always presents her unique and wonderful point of view.

Take heed to your own conscience. You are not responsible for your brother`s actions or your husbands. Stand behind your sister in law. She deserves your love and sympathy.

Leave Jawad and cut your losses!

Aap ka eik Pakistani Bhai

romair:

i have read your comments on abuse before, and apparently you have no concept of what psychological abuse means. yes, reading emma`s ``dear abby`` as hamid refers to it, we can infer that there is no physical abuse, but you seem to dismiss psychological abuse altogether.

emma does come across as being a little more on the snobbish side, but that needn`t necessarily cancel out the fact that this marriage is not what it was cut out to be. and yes, companionship can and does overrule love, but there is no companionship to speak of here. we don`t have his side of the story, but apparently there was never much companionship to begin with.

so why did she marry him? he was someone that came into her life without much hassle or heartache, she says. are those good enough reasons to marry someone? who are we to judge?

psychological abuse does go a little deeper than ``he doesn`t spend enough time with me``, or ``he`s always away on trips.`` what about infidelity? someone talked about how he shouldn`t have to change his lifestyle. marriages are about change and compromise. when you want to commit to someone, and then not really commit, there is a huge problem which cannot be worked out if both parties do not wish to do so. and it is something that breaks you when that is the case.

we have only emma`s word here. we do not know the other side of the story. but i don`t know if the other side will help much. he does not want to be with her anymore. that has been emphasised time and time again, and even if some of us are not married, we have been in relationships that were thought of as very strong commitments, relationships that some of us wished might be marriages. . . just because we are not married does not mean that we would say dump the man. i for one lived watching an unhappy marriage for much of my life. i`m not completely alien to the dynamic.

your education, it appears is more than lacking, and it is apparent through your posts just about everywhere. but unfortunately for us, and for you, that is not going to change.

Re: # 29
Thank you Ana,
You needed to tell Romair that!
Its so annoying to get a ``KNOW IT ALL`` view on every F**king topic.
Go Ana.

Emma,
No, you are not insane, just confused and hesitant to take a big decision.

Most of us women, like Ana`s mom live with the false hope that `he` might change some day.
The reality is, `he` doesn`t change; `he` simply gets worse.

Your brother will eventually come around; don`t worry about his marriage and hold yourself responsible. Deal with the issue independent of his marriage.
Take hold of your life now. Believe in your self and have faith in the almighty.
Best of luck.
SK.

This was a hilarious read. I think you should be dating another guy. In order to piss your inlaws off, you should checkout the spring variety at Anne Taylor. There are some pretty colors and short (short) dresses. See if these steps has any impact on your husband and his family.

On a serious note, I am not sure if both of you were ready for marriage. Why would an educated woman be so thrilled that a guy wants to marry her? Also, this is the 2nd or 3rd time on Chowk when good looks were misread and they turned out to be deceptive looks. Why do women think that good looking guys cannot be jerks? A research conducted by the Society Of Die-Hard Singles has revealed that most of the good looking and apparently well rounded guys are weird creatures with dubious characters. Can anything be done in that regard? Very simple. Cleanse your environment of any extra elements/waste and move on.

Have a nice weekend!

Probably go out and watch River Dance or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to change the mood. By the way, you must take your date with you and let the hubby know that :)

Best Wishes :)

You are an empowered woman in outwardly sense. A newzealander met in Indian restaurant in NJ, sent his news paper published story. What I thought might help was this:
It gives us space in our mind and thinking so that we have a more creative ability to understand the subtleties of existence. You feel very good about yourself. It gives you increased vitalit

I am sure there might be equivalent in Islaam or whatever followed in westPunjab. If not Yoga is not a religion in legion sense. It belongs to you as much as it belongs to an Inidian or religious Hindu.

Full story:
SEA BRIGHT — After years of practicing and then teaching yoga, Murray Dow turned to it as a business after using yoga’s soothing effect to work his way through a critical juncture in his life.

Dow, a native of New Zealand, had relocated to the United States, and in particular to this borough, to be near his daughter, Chelsea, 11, who lives in Rumson with her mother. He and his wife were getting divorced, his father had died, and he had sold the publishing company he had owned and operated for 20 years before moving to America. Life was upside down.

``I used that as an opportunity to reinvent myself,`` he said, explaining why he decided to follow his longtime interest in yoga and make it his career choice with a studio and spa in the borough.

The studio opened in a former computer store on Ocean Avenue in late June, and Dow said the turnout has not disappointed.

``It’s been living up to our expectations,`` he said.

Dow named his yoga studio Brahma for one of the trinity of three gods in Hindu tradition, along with Vishnu and Shiva.

``Brahma is the god of creation who created all things,`` he explained. ``Vishnu is the sustainer and Shiva is the destroyer. It signifies the cycle of life ... human evolution. We’re inspiring the creative aspect in all things on the human spirit.``

Dow has transformed the interior of the building the studio and spa occupies into a tranquil haven where classes are held and therapeutic massages — ``healing body work`` — are given.

He said he started from the ground up, putting in a new substructure, then a new ceiling and new floor tiles, and restoring an exposed brick wall along one side of the interior of the building.

``Being across from the ocean,`` he added, ``is a peaceful environment.``

Dow said he chose Sea Bright, where he has been living, because despite the empty stores and its ``sort of scruffy`` appearance, he could see revitalization on the horizon. He also felt his business could service the beach club community in the summer.

``Yoga simply means union — union of body, mind and spirit,`` Dow said of the teaching offered in his classes. ``Yoga developed about 6,000 years ago. It’s a holistic science.``

He said it involves asana, or posture, the physical aspect; pranayama, the yoga breathing technique, and meditation.

``With those three, you’re able to purify and strengthen the body, mind and spirit,`` he said. ``It brings synergy and harmony between them.

``The ultimate goal,`` he explained, ``is to raise our consciousness from a very gross state to a much more refined or subtle experience in evolution — raising our spirit essentially.

``It gives us space in our mind and thinking so that we have a more creative ability to understand the subtleties of existence,`` he said. ``You feel very good about yourself. It gives you increased vitality, increased flexibility. It improves digestion and bodily functions. It improves concentration and the ability to handle stress, and gives you peace of mind and the tools and ability to relax in this crazy world. That’s why so many people are doing it.``

Running, used by some to relax, is ``jarring`` by comparison and can cause physical problems, he continued. ``It’s not for everybody.``

``Yoga can be very gentle and restorative to very vigorous and athletic and everything in between,`` he noted.

Dow said he took up yoga as a teenager when he was very active in sports in New Zealand — cross country, rugby, cricket — and has been doing it for about 28 years now. He’s 46 today.

``In my teens, I discovered yoga really helped me with my flexibility,`` he said.

About six or seven years ago, Dow said, he discovered Swami Shantimurti while still living in New Zealand, and the swami introduced him to a very powerful integral yoga practice based around Swami Satyananda, of Bihar, India. He said he trained with Swami Shantimurti in New Zealand to become a certified yoga teacher and is registered in the United States now with The Yoga Alliance.

Brahma currently offers classes seven days a week, as early as 7:30 a.m. and as late as beginning at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In addition to regular classes, there are specialty classes such as classes for pregnant women, classes for teens, and classes for parent and child. They run for 75 or 90 minutes, begin at $19 and are less expensive in packages.

``You can come every day and as many times a day as you want,`` Dow said.

Dow came to the United States in early 2000. He said he met his ex-wife in 1988 while on a business trip to New York. He explained that friends he had met while sailing in New Zealand were from Rumson and introduced him to her — she was an American from Rumson — while he was here. They were married later that same year.

``She wanted to move back to the states in 1996,`` he said. ``I spent the next four years coming back and forth to visit Chelsea. After four years, I decided that wasn’t good enough.``

Swami Shantimurti helped him heal, with yoga, from the breakup of his marriage and the loss of his father, Dow said, and that turned into his new career.

``That was quite a transformation,`` he said. ``That brought it all together for me. The transformation I experienced is the type of transformation you experience with yoga. You go inward and you open up from the inside out.

``It teaches you to find the answers inside,`` he said. ``It’s really powerful and it works.

``People wouldn’t be doing it for 6,000 years if it didn’t work.``

Dear Emma,
i have all sympathy for you.
i wonder how you decided to marry in watta satta in 21th century .
there is many ups and downs in marriage life but that are not the kind you have mentioned.
The guy is not ready to live with you and announcing to every one about it.
that`s the limit.you are lucky to have no kid ,so secure yourself financially and leave him.
Let the brother find the solution himself.
You should learn `i come first`
be courgeous .
Good luck.

dear emma,

....... i don`t mean to sound unsympathetic but you can do whatever you want, just get off the front page quickly ........... as far as i am concerned anyone who asks for advice from total strangers is insane - so, if the straitjacket fits, wear it ............ sorry

chowk staff : are you really so desperate that you will publish anything ?....... if you are not careful you will soon be printing my ``conversations with god and other inanities`` ............ come to think of it, you are not alone in the publishing world - after all they printed and sold a gazillion copied of trash like ``tuesdays with morrie`` !!!!!!

Does this fit into the traditional Watta Satta?

I though Watta Satta was when the two pairs were put into an arranged marriage; one marriage securing the other. Not when one pair is already married. And their brother and sister propose to each other (i.e not arranged) after the fact.

Also, the following line doesn`t fit the Watta Satta model, ``When I asked my brother what would happen if I decide to leave Jawad and how my decision would affect his marriage, he replied, “ I love my wife and two daughters but I also love you, if you come back. She goes back!``

In a Watta Satta, if your husband divorced you, then your brother would divorce his wife. Not if you left your husband, yourself. Isn`t the whole purpose of a Watta Satta to ensure the husband doesn`t leave the wife, not the other way around............

I am quite suprised at the response of your brother. What kind of person leaves his wife and two daughters for no reason. What fault is it of theirs?

Here is my $.02: Marriage is tough for probably over 90% of the people. It has to be worked on. Love is over-rated. Companionship is far more important. The grass always seems greener on the other side. And the other girl or guy always seems more compatible. That doesn`t mean he/she really is.

If there is no physical abuse involved and/or no physical affairs involved, then one should work at it. By physical abuse, I also mean locking a person in the house, etc. etc. Not just hitting the person.

Most of the people who will give you advice, to quickly dump the guy are probably, more than likely, unmarried at the moment. That is also a road you can try. However, judging by how quickly you made your initial decision to get married, you should be very careful in taking such a step............And be 100% sure that you want to take it............

Emma, Whatever decision you take please keep this in mind that you are responsible for what is happening to you.You cant blame anyone else except yourself.If you continue to live in a marriage where you dont find any love,then this is obviously more than offset by the love that you have for your husband and also the altruistic satisfaction that you feel of saving your brothers marriage. You are in North America and your parents are supportive of you.So you have a choice.This is more than one can say about many other cases.