Am I Insane?

Emma - now is the time to put your law degree to practice!

Zahra #127
What I want to suggest is that both sides had equal opportunity to assess (and interact with) each other and are almost equally responsible for this mess.

I would have sympathy with Emma as she appears to have been young when she got married (straight out of law school), consulted her mother, and even then got into this mess. Indian (and I believe other desi) girls do tend to depend on advice from their family.

My advice would still be for her to take divorce as a last option (after seeking mediation, counseling etc). Unfortunately remarriage is not an easy task in our society (unless she is adventurous enough to explore getting married to a gora! which I would strongly recommend, some of us desi males can be stupid idiots)

Emma Nisa, you are insane. Forget life, fertility will leave you behind. What will you do then? Dump him and find a new sperm donor. Reading in between lines I feel that you are making this like a jilted love except there never was any love. You did not know him and he probably played his moves cleverly. He knows that you will not leave him because then brother will lose wife (in whatever minor but important way if not literally). Do your job only if it helps you ensnare your next husband. Your all decisions should be focussed on leaving this loser and finding next husband.

Dear Emz:

I earlier put my response (#39). If its format (as a “prescribed” treatment) made you upset in any way, I am sorry about that. But I very much meant the message therein (and I was NOT trivializing your problems).

I will keep this message simple:

(1) Before you decide to forgive and forget, read this letter (especially the last two paragraphs).

(2) Buy from a book store (or check out from a library) Dr. Laura’s book ``Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives``, and read Chapter 10 right away (rest of the book as time permits).

(3) Then, think through all aspects of your problem from scratch and see what solution you come up with on your own.

I would also advice that you pay attention to what Dr. Lokraj said (#42 and #113). He may be a REAL doctor.

I wish you all the best. The road ahead may not be easy, but may be the ONLY way.

BeeJay

Thanks again for all your comments.
I have also been thinking the same where do his demands stop...and when will he actually begin trying aswell.
Since the restrictions he hasnt been home yet, but i think he is just doing this to make me suffer more, which i am willing to, in return for a decent marriage...which is not the case at the moment. I am taking one step at a time, so what if i left my job and gave up my car, its worth it in the end if it brings him back to me, which even i doubt, but atleast i will not have a gulity conscious , that i did not try everything.
Whats a job, i can find one again if things dont work out, but to give him excuses, im not gonna do that.

Re: # 128

>Whats a job, i can find one again if things dont work out, but to give him excuses, im not gonna do that.
<

Some of us, your well-wishers did not mean sitting under tube-light 8-2-5 or hiding behind sun workstation for good mulah. I ment working on something which wets your heart and soul. It could be simple as help to your brother`s kids in their homework, if you really enjoy. If you find solace and strength five time namaz might help. Do something which celeberate and realize the god inside us.

>Since the restrictions he hasnt been home yet, but i think he is just doing this to make me suffer more, which i am willing to, in return for a decent marriage...which is not the case at the moment. I am taking one step at a time, so what if i left my job and gave up my car, its worth it in the end if it brings him back to me, which even i doubt, but atleast i will not have a gulity conscious , that i did not try everything.
<

Why this victimhood? What is a decent marriage? Long time back I convinced myself if I have to love someone truely then I cannot escape from being a swami. I am still far from being one. The swami who celeberates divinity in one`s own body, mind and soul. If I am empowered then only I can empower others with my my caring, love etc. If I cannot value myself how does it matter what value I put on an idea ie marriage. Just imagine, you are suffering ie your mind, inner calling, words and actions are not in line, and now in this state your have a jeev gowing in your womb, what kind of thought vibes it will receive . . . one of pain, suffering. We parents need to help our kids to be free, confident and blissful. If this union does not help in having healthy kids, then we have harmed not just ourselves but the future generation and world around us. It`s Adharma!

BTW, do not get disheartened, we all are in the same boat. We all are in a way and partially divorced from our true potential. It`s a constant struggle to keep the integrity in tact. This marriage to god within us is always under stress, due to weired sense of I and the desires coming out of the misunderstanding. In a way you are lucky that you are leaning your lesson very early. You are well equipped to handle so the problem has appeared in front of you. Be Blissful, confident and free ... free of past. It`s your birthright. Dont allow anyone take it away from you.

I hope I was helpful. Be happy! Keep faith in yourself alive!

#125: I disagree with you that her in-laws and the control freak knew her prior to her marriage because of the common tie. She could not have known him as well.

The saddest element in this story is Emma`s lack of interest in her own well being
and pursuing a control freak. For what? For financial security? Is it worth it? Where is the self-esteem here? Do not confuse that with pride or ego. Probably, she follows the school of thought that once a woman marries a guy = a jerk then she has to stick to that poor decision. This is so absurd :(

Next you will read that this guy has asked Emma to take hijab by using a black chador of 6 yards and wear a ninja-burqah on top. While Emma would be complying with the control freak`s orders, the hubby would be fooling around with god`s creation on some exotic island.

Emma, Fast burst ... hope it is helpful if it is hurtful it`s because of my poor English. Still foreign to me.

It seems you are all sacrificing Ammaa. Please watch Swades, it is as much Geeta and Kaveri Amma`s story as much Mohan`s. How they transformed and bring out change in Mohan and through him in the whole Charanpur. They did it without sacrificing self esteem and the life purpose ... Geeta`s ``lagan for padhana`` and living in the village-India. That is the womb each one of us (male ya female) carry. If we are loyal to this invisible womb then we are happy, more capable to love the significant other and the world around us.

You are really a good person. From your story I learnt a little more about myself. I used to think feminine thought as weakness, something which pulls man down. When I saw Swades with my kids (all boys) and wife, kids and even I wanted to skip lovy-dubby songs and scenes and even could overcome my dear wife`s loud protests. But later my wife made us see them. While seeing them I thought about you ... how you would react .. how you would empower your husband with loving word, legal wizardy (like Geeta`s computational wizardy... please understand that we find heart wetting beauty in those intellectual persuits) or how you would tell your husband ``hathelia khali mehandi ke liye nahin hoti hain.`` Believe me these self respecting Geeta`s words and keeping her foot down is empowering not just for herself but also Mohan. Raam and AnjaniPutra Hanuman are Sita`s creation. Unforgiving and strict Jane in the west is in her own way the empowering Sita who created Raams of the past. Women have to become first self respecting Jijamata to bring evolved, women respecting and Dharma propagating Shivaji-soul to their womb.

You know the level of consciousness you are dealing with (your husband). Since you love your husband you have vested interest in his growth. Like Kaveriamma you know to which day trip he needs to be sent. Keep the faith alive!

Emma,
I am wondering if there is not another side of this story. While Jawad and his parents knew you `closely` for few years, you also had close interaction with his family for few years. It appears that both of you erred in your assessment of each other.
Final decision on this subject is yours, however few suggestions -
1. Unless this gets resolved, do not plan to have a child. That will limit your options.
2. Do not take hasty decision like leaving your job, or opting for divorce.
3. If you finally had to move apart, and still intend to find another partner, widen your acceptability criteria and take decisions as soon as possible.

well said storyteller. Giving somebody an opportunity and space to oppress u is assisting oppression.

dear emma,
i would like to share some observations. when a woman talks.....that is, when she shares her pain with people, it indicates a very early stage on the road to divorce, if she is headed that way. when she knows what she wants thats when you hear very little talk. there is nothing left to discuss, dissect, air out...or hold up to the light of the sun. living your truth requires no elaboration.

there is an ayah in the quran (please take my word for it because i do not recall the surah or the exact number/s). it could be understood this way.....on the Day, every oppressed soul will be brought before her Lord and He will ask her, `` was not my earth wide enough for you to escape your oppressor.``

abbottonian: good point...except i dont think ms. nisa needs to come back to pakistan to get a job. seems to me she already has a nice job that takes her for week long trips to europe and so forth.

jay: this is your doctor. get back into your padded cell...now!! and I have ordered those dirty pictures of modi and thakeray ripped off your padded cell walls. and you dont watch it, i will put you back on 200 volt electric shock therapy treatment (last time you wet your lungi when we did that to you!!)

jay,

...... even though i am a big fan of yours, i think you are a little off base on this one ....... may i redirect you to freethinker`s article on democracy ?............. leave poor emma alone - she has enough problems without you confusing her ..........

regards

Emma,

You may be aware that pak army is providing protection to sui gas works on a charge basis. It may be time that women like you also may have to seek protection. Following is an item from dawn of today, please talk to the police for protection, you can possibly coordinate the system for women in situation like yours, with the sword of honour hanging over your head.


Police `tax`



A new practice among policemen posted in the Defence Housing Authority in Karachi is charging Rs500 per under-construction house every month. They turn up on motorcycles fitted with a siren to claim their levy which ends after the house is completed and a ``completion levy`` is given one final time. Since no arrests have been made, one wonders with whom and where the money ends up.

RASOOL BAKHSH

Karachi

Well Emma,
it was a pretty depressing story. but then South Asia is full of such tales. i also hail from Pakistan and am in UK since september. Here i ve seen how ``men`` have been able to deconstruct their masculinity and express their feelings towards their belowed openly, without any fear. I guess Jawad is pretty normal considering the hostility in his sub culture where he has been brought up. This is how men are, insecure, dominating, unreasonable, egoistic and so on. But then this is normal in that part of the world.
I wouls suggest u to read ``surviving men`` by Shobha De and see how he has explained Indian men. The description is extremely true for their Pakistani counterparts as well.
My advice to u would be that think rationally and not emotionally. You have one life time and dont waste it in these traumas. I dont find any reason for u leaving your job, getting your mobile disconnected and selling your car for someone who does not care and just wants to deprive u of your strengths of being independent.
Pakistan is a pretty diverse society and i ve met with single mothers who are coping up very well and doing excellent in their respective professions. Even if u dont want to go back, look for a job and start living in karachi, lahore or islamabad. these places are pretty metropolitain and would accomodate u well. The face of women in these cities is not the same that u come across at Pind Dadan Khan. Let meknow and i ll give u cotacts of a few female friends wo can look after u once u move to any of these places. The best for u, however, is go back and live ur life to the fullest. This is the dilemma of expatriate pakistani s in the western countries that they are not western and cant be as dumb as Pakistani women was and is (in some cases) expected to be.
take care and look after urself and remember, all the appeasement that Europe did towards Hitler before World War II, did not make him a better man.
cheers
abbottonian