Am I Insane?

ok Emma,

this sounds like something i had in the past...my advice to u is to leave him and try to find another man..even if he is not pakistani...any muslim...
if u husband has money which he does he will find lots of other girls willing to sleep with him and seems like that`s all he needs and thats fine...have self respect to actually do whats best for u...and leave him
if he is not willing to work on the marriage, why should u?

good luck :)

Dina.

Typical watta satta story. When you guys will grow up. What your brother has to do with it? He should try to live his own life. Remember he will not feed you forever and if he wants to send his wife back its not out of your love, its just an excuse to get out of his own marriage. So pack your bags if you want to and live your own life if thats what you feel like doing. Think about yourself only.

well !! i want to give you just a few points what i extracted from my life,,,,,, first of all you need to be brave enough to confront the situations,,, what will happen at max??? if your brother asks his wife to leave because of you then its his fault not yours, he should act maturely..... second thing is that what will you get in the end if u r not willing to leave that husband? why are you degrading yourself? if you wont respect yourself no one else would....who is he ? just a HUSBAND!! which are taken as gods by us(girls) although they dont deserve....if someone cant care for you cant understand you then u dont need to mess ur life....dont waste your life.... you may find someone better than him, he doesnt deserve you,,,, and what will u get by sacrificing? will your brother and bhabi give you a gold medal? NO they would never. Go and find ways in your life, marriage is not life, its just a part of life,,,,like many other things some and go,,,few things suite you and few dont.... every one makes mistakes,,,,its not a big problem.... but you should not let yourself suffer from a wrong decision,,,if you find u made a wrong decision then just correct it by anyway, dont suffer. you get life only once dont waste it cuz of someone who does not want to understand you. time passes leaving behind regrets !!! try to find other colors of life which may be more beautiful than those which you are trying for in vain.

Emma Nisa,

I believe that oppression is worse than death. I do not mean to say that if being oppressed one must commit suicide. For liberty comes in many forms. There is no one way that leads to salvation, but rather there are many. But one thing is certain. And that is if one wills to attain liberty one must either escape oppression or marginalize as it means to or affects one`s way of life. For the ultimate goal of humankind is to make oneself better foremost mentally and spiritually.

Life is hard enough for women in an egoistic patriarchical society like Pakistan where women despite Islam purportedly prevailing are abused in the name of religion and denied their rights. Islam in its pure essence is pro liberty, pro life, pro salvation.

It is my view that women have rights which foremost God has sanctified for them to possess. Who is a man to dictate a woman to turn against her self, her freedom, her transcendence? Who is a man to counter what God has deemed just and fair?

Towards this end, if you feel that you are being maltreated consult our glorious Quran and involve people whose thoughts are well grounded in `deen`. Make the effort and InshaAllah God will guide you and those in your company who will to work righteousness. Most of the time, both husband and wife need to make sacrifices and bend their natures formed from conforming casually to societal norms without many times heeding to their normative meaning of either being right or wrong. But one thing remains certain. And that is that the oppressor, if any, must either retreat or give in. The best thing you can do at this time is to follow the truth in you that is your deep most certainty.

May God help you, guide you, protect you. But above all, may God be by you.

Peace!

Irfan,
I won`t be revisiting this board and the subject under discussion.
Forgot to add that in my last post.
Take Care.

Irfan:

:)

Thank god I am a policy maker where I am and things are quite functional and under control. We all have our own style of viewing life and conducting things the way we want to, but I try to avoid making random comments without any base. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of time to provide real life examples of all the scenarios I have come across. Therefore, I try to put in a few words summarizing the gist (I am not sure if I am good at that). I can see how certain remarks or statements can be misread, but having an extensive experience in very challenging practical world (a personal choice) gives me an edge over you. I guess you are still in school which has its own challenges, but practical life is quite different.

Interestingly, I have ran into quite a few couples (non-pakistanis) who`ve shared with me the reason behind not having any kids. They did not think that their parents had set a good example for them to follow. Both of them happened to be my colleagues; and I have worked with them for an extensive period of time. Apparently, they were the nicest people around the block. Still, they were very upfront about their deficiencies and accepted those. That says something about the character.

Somehow, I feel that many men will have issues with this write-up since it states a woman`s outburst. Whether it is a rationally put together argument or an outburst, it is a form of communication. This is not an account of a well put together love story or a memoir. It leans towards an outburst. And an outburst can be in any form or shape. Obviously, it will have some loop holes but it will reveal a few things that may ring a bell.

Lastly, my view on the eastern culture may be completely different from yours. What I see as a positive in the western culture may be the most unappealing factor to you. What you may see as the most positive attribute of the eastern culture may mean nothing to me. So, do not try to trivialize .... I detest that trait.

ZahraJ,

I`ll accept as a given your argument that self-respect and courage are completely independant of each other. But her own admission that she is bending over backwards to `keep` him is damning evidence of her dependance, lack of courage and (this is going to hurt) the fact that even those of us raised abroad have flaws, inspite of the excellent sociocultural environment provided. I won`t even go into how sophisticated this woman is, her article is available for public viewing.

Might I suggest you actually do a bit of thinking before riling against `our` culture, men, society at large and any or everything people say. My personal opinion (which may be wrong) is that you do not argue issues, you argue people. Do you seriously believe that the `maternal marriage police` is a phenomenon restricted to our culture? There are numerous references to mothers pushing daughters (and sons) to marry in western pop culture entertainment (during 10 years we were subjected to Friends, in which Monica`s mother wouldn`t get off the girl`s back about getting married). I have a colleague who is doing a doctorate, she constantly complains of her mother`s heckling her to get married. Such rants against our culture and assorted other things don`t make you look progressive, `modern` or enlightened; just makes it clear you have an axe to grind and will rub it against anything whatever the merits or otherwise. I admit that much is wrong with our culture, and that much is right with western cultures; but there are also some good things about our cultures and some bad about western values. Real life is full of grey areas, there are no crisp blacks and whites, rights or wrongs.

Who gets to decide if someone is `good` enough to sire children? You? Me? The government? Auto-control wouldn`t work, because I`m sure no one will say to himself/herself ``I`m too messy, I shouldn`t have kids``. You would have fit right in to Nazi Germany, where the superior race (your good people or übermenschen) would have been allowed to multiply while the üntermenschen (the messy ones) would have slowly died out. Good thing you weren`t a policymaker or little Albert`s parents might never have concieved and the world would have been deprived of Einstein`s genius.

Irfan.

PS: Sorry about the long post, but try as I might I couldn`t shorten it.

Irfan:

One can lose sight of self respect but still be brave and courageous. These attributes are independent of each other.

By the way, just a corrrection or addition to my previous post, I also know some people who did not choose to get into marital relationship after one bad experience. Since our culture has its own flaws therefore often times people do not think through what they are getting into and just take a plunge for the heck of it - why? Because their friends are getting married or their mother has asked them to. This is an ideal example of cluelessness which is prevalent amongst both men and women from our culture.

Our culture blackmails women in various ways. One was exactly what Nazar wrote in his post. What if she never finds another person? What if she finds someone worse than her first husband? Well, life is about taking chances but moving ahead. How about the man in the picture may not be able to find another decent woman? How about his second wife may be a crook in disguise? How about the 2nd wife may cheat on her husband?

Marriage is just a step in life, like many other steps. For some it is the ultimate whereas for others it`s just a step. But it`s important from the perspective of selecting a right companion. Those who want to have kids must look into the character of the man they are marrying. If you have nothing to appreciate in your husband then why would you like him to be the father of your child? Anyone who thinks that children are the source of keeping the husband and wife together should be ashamed of themselves and the poor logic they have been carrying in their back pocket. If two people have no respect for each other then it`s sinful to even think of having kids. The world is already full of messy people. In my strong opinion, only nice and good people should think of multiplying. The rest should adopt if possible or pray for their sins. This may sound a weird philosophy, but I am a strong believer of that.

Lastly, the women who lean on their husbands for security can definitely have issues when the blanket starts to walk away. They feel exposed and shelterless. That must be a horrible feeling. Probably, they are willing to sacrifice their self esteem to get that ``temporary refuge``. Not sure.

Irfan noone will be reading this article..Im not stupid, i know this will not help him in anyway. My in laws and Jawad are not Internet savvy, Jawad only uses his laptop for msn messenger to keep in touch with his girlfriends in pakistan. If any of them read it, thats a different matter.
Thank you Zahra , r3dlipstick for your advice. I dont know what to say, as i am not doing anything at the moment just taking things as they come. I can only make my decision now, if Jawad asks me to leave one more time, i will ask him to take my back to my parents, maybe the job, cvar and mobile was just excuses to bide him time.

I don`t think the author`s immature-she would have been immature had she gone along with her initial anger and filed for divorce right away without weighing the pros and cons involved.
As to whether she should stay or leave him--it depends on for what she married on the first place? And what`s most important to her?
Most women despite knowing about their husband`s extra-marital activities actually choose to keep living that way for the social-standing that comes with marriage (atleast in my part of the world) I personally know of this woman who`s got proofs of her husband`s infidelity and yet she`s staying because her freedom is more important to her which she enjoys to a considerable extent with her husband--rather than going back to her parents home which she describes as more of a monastry.
So you have to decide on whats more important for you.
If you`re looking for love...than you must leave him though looking for another husband as some ppl have suggested won`t be any good coz the institution of marriage kills all love(Thats only the animalisitic passionate love that dies...the other not so intense love which is more of the kind of love you have for your dog or your siblings etc grows)

BUT if you stick around on the hope that he`ll change....you`ll be in for a bigger misery coz men are incorrigible once the get addicted to illicit love. Like someone already said extreme religiousity is the only thing that can cure that which is unlikely in most cases. Otherwise if a man`s cheated you once, he`ll cheat you forever.
So if you plan to stay, you`ll have to bear in your mind that he WILL not change (as far as his sexual adventures are concerned). The best that can be done is not to make marriage the centre of your universe and pursue your work, your passions and your own life.

Do that while you`re deciding...and take your time to decide....you`ll be more clear-headed once the emotional-stress you`re under right now subsides.
r3d

Reminds me of the real life story of this florida woman who put her brand new mercedes up for sale for $20. The buyer bought it, and asked questions later. On being asked why she ``sold`` the car at this price, she told him she was going through a divorce and so their assets were being split and her husband really wanted to have the car and this was her way of getting even!! Moral: people do the most irrational things in matters involving family disputes.

So, I think irfanhamid is right in questioning the sense behind making this a jerry springer show on chowk when emma also wants to stay married. But then perhaps, emma is not her real name, and she is seeking some moral support from strangers like we all are on chowk without this moral support in any way affecting her real life. Who knows? only Emma knows.

#134: I disagree with both your suggestion and approach. Even if she plans to reconcile(a mistake), then she should care ``less`` about his mood`s highs and lows. She should fully exercise her self expression and heartfelt sentiments. Despite the above suggestion, I defintely see immaturity on Emma`s end. To disconnect with the rest of the world and to put herself into house arrest is not showing any love towards the control freak or herself. It`s an indication that how much control that man has on her. Who orders anyone with this kind of stuff in today`s day and age? Let me rephrase my question: who follows such kind of demands made by a control freak?

Re: # 135 (ZahraJ),

I didn`t shouldn`t express her feelings towards him, just that maybe airing dirty laundry in such a public manner is inappropriate. Her cause would be served much better by saying all this to him rather than to us. And anyway you can`t say that slandering someone`s family on the internet is a good thing, no matter the gender of the person on the recieving end and accusing end.

This poor woman has recieved all kinds of responses, ranging from the useful to the plain bizarre. I don`t think I am in a position to tell her to leave her husband or try to reconcile. What most of us don`t realize is that because of her marital trauma, this woman is unstable at the moment. In such a state, she might get carried away by someone`s advice and make a decision that she may regret for the rest of her life. I for one, do not consider myself able to make judgments on her case based on a 500 word article full of inconsistencies which was, by her own admission, written in desperation.

Irfan.

Re: # 138 Irfan:
I understand your take but I have a different way of seeing this matter since I have seen quite a few very close friends and some cousins go through the same turmoil. All of them got out of it and were happier and more peaceful than in their early circumstances. There`s an old saying that the tie or the relationship between husband - wife is the closest relationship but it is the most sensitive one as well. Keeping the sensitivity aspect in mind, I would say if one side is heartbroken and feels mistreated whereas the other wants to get out of that relationship then there is very little to keep the bond together. I am from the school of thought that if two people are not cut out for each other or are not happy with each other then they should not waste a single minute and go their own way to find their bliss. That may mean different things for different people. Amongst many of my close friends, remarriage has happened and their lives have been stable and better than the hell they went through in their 1st marriage. I have also heard about remarriage of two of my aunts in 1960s. I think being well educated was highly well regarded. Also, both of them were independent and career oriented women. This was despite the fact that my late nana jaan was a religious man.

By the way, I do not see anything wrong with everyone expressing their notion about the issue under discussion. In that regard, I would not consider Emma as ``poor woman.`` From that aspect, I would say that she is both courageous and bold woman and in order to secure more compliments, I would strongly recommend to her to get her phone connected, buy a brand new car, look for a decent opportunity that will assist her in her career development and growth. In addition to that, start developing some goals and establish herself first before falling for any insecure and control freak Pakistani male`s trap. Lastly, she has to keep a very important aspect in mind that a Pakistani man is not that open minded to accept and tolerate assertive women who like to flourish in their careers. There are definitely exceptions but those are few and far between. I also think she should charge the phone`s reconnection fee as well as the new car on Jawad`s credit card. After all, she is still his wife and intends to lean in that direction. Why not exercise her ``rights`` :)? Just kidding.

Re: # 139 (ZahraJ),

I am not against her leaving her husband, neither am I in favor of it. Of course, because you have seen the good results from getting out of unhappy marriages in people close to you, so you obviously have a defined point-of-view to it all.

But please, do not call the writer of this article a courageous woman, that would be a disservice to the many brave women out there who break stereotypes everyday. This woman, however, is willing to go to great lengths to keep her husband, who to her is like a security blanket. You yourself stated (#47) that it seems she has no self-respect and thus expecting respect from her husband is unrealistic.

Irfan.

ZahraJ,

I said that she should ask the story to be taken off the front page because she said she wanted to reconcile with her husband. It was not (for me) a man vs woman issue. My point was, and is, that if she wants reconciliation then she should try not to offend him. If she doesn`t want reconciliation then she could have said whatever she wanted about him and his parents without it affecting the situation overmuch.

I would have made the same suggestion to her husband had he written a similar article about her and then expressed a desire to reconcile as she has done.

Irfan.

Emma - now is the time to put your law degree to practice!

Zahra #127
What I want to suggest is that both sides had equal opportunity to assess (and interact with) each other and are almost equally responsible for this mess.

I would have sympathy with Emma as she appears to have been young when she got married (straight out of law school), consulted her mother, and even then got into this mess. Indian (and I believe other desi) girls do tend to depend on advice from their family.

My advice would still be for her to take divorce as a last option (after seeking mediation, counseling etc). Unfortunately remarriage is not an easy task in our society (unless she is adventurous enough to explore getting married to a gora! which I would strongly recommend, some of us desi males can be stupid idiots)

Emma Nisa, you are insane. Forget life, fertility will leave you behind. What will you do then? Dump him and find a new sperm donor. Reading in between lines I feel that you are making this like a jilted love except there never was any love. You did not know him and he probably played his moves cleverly. He knows that you will not leave him because then brother will lose wife (in whatever minor but important way if not literally). Do your job only if it helps you ensnare your next husband. Your all decisions should be focussed on leaving this loser and finding next husband.

Dear Emz:

I earlier put my response (#39). If its format (as a “prescribed” treatment) made you upset in any way, I am sorry about that. But I very much meant the message therein (and I was NOT trivializing your problems).

I will keep this message simple:

(1) Before you decide to forgive and forget, read this letter (especially the last two paragraphs).

(2) Buy from a book store (or check out from a library) Dr. Laura’s book ``Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives``, and read Chapter 10 right away (rest of the book as time permits).

(3) Then, think through all aspects of your problem from scratch and see what solution you come up with on your own.

I would also advice that you pay attention to what Dr. Lokraj said (#42 and #113). He may be a REAL doctor.

I wish you all the best. The road ahead may not be easy, but may be the ONLY way.

BeeJay

Thanks again for all your comments.
I have also been thinking the same where do his demands stop...and when will he actually begin trying aswell.
Since the restrictions he hasnt been home yet, but i think he is just doing this to make me suffer more, which i am willing to, in return for a decent marriage...which is not the case at the moment. I am taking one step at a time, so what if i left my job and gave up my car, its worth it in the end if it brings him back to me, which even i doubt, but atleast i will not have a gulity conscious , that i did not try everything.
Whats a job, i can find one again if things dont work out, but to give him excuses, im not gonna do that.

Re: # 128

>Whats a job, i can find one again if things dont work out, but to give him excuses, im not gonna do that.
<

Some of us, your well-wishers did not mean sitting under tube-light 8-2-5 or hiding behind sun workstation for good mulah. I ment working on something which wets your heart and soul. It could be simple as help to your brother`s kids in their homework, if you really enjoy. If you find solace and strength five time namaz might help. Do something which celeberate and realize the god inside us.

>Since the restrictions he hasnt been home yet, but i think he is just doing this to make me suffer more, which i am willing to, in return for a decent marriage...which is not the case at the moment. I am taking one step at a time, so what if i left my job and gave up my car, its worth it in the end if it brings him back to me, which even i doubt, but atleast i will not have a gulity conscious , that i did not try everything.
<

Why this victimhood? What is a decent marriage? Long time back I convinced myself if I have to love someone truely then I cannot escape from being a swami. I am still far from being one. The swami who celeberates divinity in one`s own body, mind and soul. If I am empowered then only I can empower others with my my caring, love etc. If I cannot value myself how does it matter what value I put on an idea ie marriage. Just imagine, you are suffering ie your mind, inner calling, words and actions are not in line, and now in this state your have a jeev gowing in your womb, what kind of thought vibes it will receive . . . one of pain, suffering. We parents need to help our kids to be free, confident and blissful. If this union does not help in having healthy kids, then we have harmed not just ourselves but the future generation and world around us. It`s Adharma!

BTW, do not get disheartened, we all are in the same boat. We all are in a way and partially divorced from our true potential. It`s a constant struggle to keep the integrity in tact. This marriage to god within us is always under stress, due to weired sense of I and the desires coming out of the misunderstanding. In a way you are lucky that you are leaning your lesson very early. You are well equipped to handle so the problem has appeared in front of you. Be Blissful, confident and free ... free of past. It`s your birthright. Dont allow anyone take it away from you.

I hope I was helpful. Be happy! Keep faith in yourself alive!

#125: I disagree with you that her in-laws and the control freak knew her prior to her marriage because of the common tie. She could not have known him as well.

The saddest element in this story is Emma`s lack of interest in her own well being
and pursuing a control freak. For what? For financial security? Is it worth it? Where is the self-esteem here? Do not confuse that with pride or ego. Probably, she follows the school of thought that once a woman marries a guy = a jerk then she has to stick to that poor decision. This is so absurd :(

Next you will read that this guy has asked Emma to take hijab by using a black chador of 6 yards and wear a ninja-burqah on top. While Emma would be complying with the control freak`s orders, the hubby would be fooling around with god`s creation on some exotic island.

Emma, Fast burst ... hope it is helpful if it is hurtful it`s because of my poor English. Still foreign to me.

It seems you are all sacrificing Ammaa. Please watch Swades, it is as much Geeta and Kaveri Amma`s story as much Mohan`s. How they transformed and bring out change in Mohan and through him in the whole Charanpur. They did it without sacrificing self esteem and the life purpose ... Geeta`s ``lagan for padhana`` and living in the village-India. That is the womb each one of us (male ya female) carry. If we are loyal to this invisible womb then we are happy, more capable to love the significant other and the world around us.

You are really a good person. From your story I learnt a little more about myself. I used to think feminine thought as weakness, something which pulls man down. When I saw Swades with my kids (all boys) and wife, kids and even I wanted to skip lovy-dubby songs and scenes and even could overcome my dear wife`s loud protests. But later my wife made us see them. While seeing them I thought about you ... how you would react .. how you would empower your husband with loving word, legal wizardy (like Geeta`s computational wizardy... please understand that we find heart wetting beauty in those intellectual persuits) or how you would tell your husband ``hathelia khali mehandi ke liye nahin hoti hain.`` Believe me these self respecting Geeta`s words and keeping her foot down is empowering not just for herself but also Mohan. Raam and AnjaniPutra Hanuman are Sita`s creation. Unforgiving and strict Jane in the west is in her own way the empowering Sita who created Raams of the past. Women have to become first self respecting Jijamata to bring evolved, women respecting and Dharma propagating Shivaji-soul to their womb.

You know the level of consciousness you are dealing with (your husband). Since you love your husband you have vested interest in his growth. Like Kaveriamma you know to which day trip he needs to be sent. Keep the faith alive!

Emma,
I am wondering if there is not another side of this story. While Jawad and his parents knew you `closely` for few years, you also had close interaction with his family for few years. It appears that both of you erred in your assessment of each other.
Final decision on this subject is yours, however few suggestions -
1. Unless this gets resolved, do not plan to have a child. That will limit your options.
2. Do not take hasty decision like leaving your job, or opting for divorce.
3. If you finally had to move apart, and still intend to find another partner, widen your acceptability criteria and take decisions as soon as possible.

well said storyteller. Giving somebody an opportunity and space to oppress u is assisting oppression.

dear emma,
i would like to share some observations. when a woman talks.....that is, when she shares her pain with people, it indicates a very early stage on the road to divorce, if she is headed that way. when she knows what she wants thats when you hear very little talk. there is nothing left to discuss, dissect, air out...or hold up to the light of the sun. living your truth requires no elaboration.

there is an ayah in the quran (please take my word for it because i do not recall the surah or the exact number/s). it could be understood this way.....on the Day, every oppressed soul will be brought before her Lord and He will ask her, `` was not my earth wide enough for you to escape your oppressor.``

abbottonian: good point...except i dont think ms. nisa needs to come back to pakistan to get a job. seems to me she already has a nice job that takes her for week long trips to europe and so forth.

jay: this is your doctor. get back into your padded cell...now!! and I have ordered those dirty pictures of modi and thakeray ripped off your padded cell walls. and you dont watch it, i will put you back on 200 volt electric shock therapy treatment (last time you wet your lungi when we did that to you!!)

jay,

...... even though i am a big fan of yours, i think you are a little off base on this one ....... may i redirect you to freethinker`s article on democracy ?............. leave poor emma alone - she has enough problems without you confusing her ..........

regards

Emma,

You may be aware that pak army is providing protection to sui gas works on a charge basis. It may be time that women like you also may have to seek protection. Following is an item from dawn of today, please talk to the police for protection, you can possibly coordinate the system for women in situation like yours, with the sword of honour hanging over your head.


Police `tax`



A new practice among policemen posted in the Defence Housing Authority in Karachi is charging Rs500 per under-construction house every month. They turn up on motorcycles fitted with a siren to claim their levy which ends after the house is completed and a ``completion levy`` is given one final time. Since no arrests have been made, one wonders with whom and where the money ends up.

RASOOL BAKHSH

Karachi

Well Emma,
it was a pretty depressing story. but then South Asia is full of such tales. i also hail from Pakistan and am in UK since september. Here i ve seen how ``men`` have been able to deconstruct their masculinity and express their feelings towards their belowed openly, without any fear. I guess Jawad is pretty normal considering the hostility in his sub culture where he has been brought up. This is how men are, insecure, dominating, unreasonable, egoistic and so on. But then this is normal in that part of the world.
I wouls suggest u to read ``surviving men`` by Shobha De and see how he has explained Indian men. The description is extremely true for their Pakistani counterparts as well.
My advice to u would be that think rationally and not emotionally. You have one life time and dont waste it in these traumas. I dont find any reason for u leaving your job, getting your mobile disconnected and selling your car for someone who does not care and just wants to deprive u of your strengths of being independent.
Pakistan is a pretty diverse society and i ve met with single mothers who are coping up very well and doing excellent in their respective professions. Even if u dont want to go back, look for a job and start living in karachi, lahore or islamabad. these places are pretty metropolitain and would accomodate u well. The face of women in these cities is not the same that u come across at Pind Dadan Khan. Let meknow and i ll give u cotacts of a few female friends wo can look after u once u move to any of these places. The best for u, however, is go back and live ur life to the fullest. This is the dilemma of expatriate pakistani s in the western countries that they are not western and cant be as dumb as Pakistani women was and is (in some cases) expected to be.
take care and look after urself and remember, all the appeasement that Europe did towards Hitler before World War II, did not make him a better man.
cheers
abbottonian

In my opinion, this story should not be taken off the front page.
Just because a man can be petty does not mean that a woman has to suppress her feelings and self expression.
Which century is this?

So at last the real emma has appeared, trying to portray the travails of a pakistani woman as if it is something similar to that of others in non-muslim countries. Take it from me amma, according to pak law a man can have 4 wives. Try and read about one samia sarwar, she wanted to divorce her husband and she was killed by her own father, and no case was filed, because no crime was committed. Think of who is your ``Wali``, try to have nightmares about honour killings.
You are so divorced from pakreality that it is a tragic joke. Follow the path of Samia Sarwar in the name of pak honour, in the name of pak interactors on chowk who are leading you to the honour killing path.

Emma,

My sincere advice to you would be to kindly ask the chowk editors to remove this article from their site (not just from the front page but also from archives). If you are really serious about reconciliation with your husband then trust me you don`t want him to ever read this piece. We (men) are very petty and take offence at the smallest of things. In this article you have accused him (and even more importantly his family) of being hostile and unsophisticated. Even if your accusations have merit, no man would appreciate having his marital dirty laundry paraded and his parents badmouthed on the internet. Think also of your bhabhi, how would she react and feel if/when she finds out what you think of her parents, she who, as you state has nothing to do with this unfortunate affair. There is a time for speaking one`s mind and there is a time for being diplomatic, in my humble opinion, now is the time for the latter.

Sincerely,
Irfan.

=== Interact Removed ===

conceding to demands like sitting at home,selling off ur car etc. is not a wise thing to do.I know you are trying to save your marriage at all costs,but you should know within your heart whether this marriage is worth saving(for you)?
Someone floated the idea of having a baby.....This would be the most foolish thing to do in these circumstances.Try to get him into direct honest communication and dont get into playing games.Compromising to this extent may work today,but will seal your fate for the rest of your life.
Wishing you all the best.

Good luck, Emma. it looks like things will work out for you.

EMMA:

you are a brave sould with a kind heart.

you did the right thing by writing it up on chowk. at times when there`s no way forward in a tunnel of one`s pesonal life, sharing provides the spark to keep moving ahead. and i tell you what, if he doesnt wish to live with you; you shouldnt either. life means more. more of every thing and yes, there still will be life after or without him which will offer you more disappointments, accomplishments, sanity and insanity...just about everything!

and this final line`s for you:

``Freedome lies outside of the fence we build for ourselves``

good luck and you shouldnt fail!

``Like most Pakistani men, Jawad is a very liberal guy when it comes to himself. He drinks, takes his occasional weed, eyes up gals.I discover these traits after our marriage. ``

The above is the most revealing set of lines in the whole article...indeed they should have been the preamble to this artcile......

Hello.
I am Emma, I dont think i need to produce my Birth Ceritificate , if anyone in doubt let me know i will fax it to you.
Im sorry i could not reply to any of the interacts because i was unaware the article had been published, and as weekends for me, mean to sit at home and cry about the mess...i missed out on a helluva lot.
Well thank you all for erm ..giving me your views on the whole situation.
Believe me this is not funny a fictional story, it is about my life even chowk staff sent me a mail saying...are you really that naive???
Why did i put it on the web you ask...its called Desperate measures guys. Anything which would make me see light...or learn from other experiences. Believe me if real life when you tell someone your tragedy..most people get a kick out of it..and have all sorts to say..or just go around spreading it..like its about Bradd Pitt & Jennifer Anistons break up. Ive learnt from experience...its not sympathy you get..just calls asking you so was there at a family wedding?..did he talk to you..its like a Soap episode..where everyone is waiting for me to turn around and slap a guest saying you Bi%``* i know your pregnant with my hubby`s child...*Scream *HOW could you to this to me then run out.
Trust me people have said on my face..so when are the fireworks gonna go start..??
Anyway thats my reason for publishing the article.

So i did expect reactions like this..as for my being stubborn..and snotty all i have to say is maybe i was so...before i got married..so he knew my personality but that is not a very strong trait..it is certainly not teh case NOW....i CHANGED...ok..maybe once he left ...i do not look down on his family..believe me i do respect his Parents iv never looked down on them..but all i was saying was they still blame me...They will not once admit to me there son is doing anything wrong it kind of makes them feel insecure if they side with me..which is all i need.
As for his side of the story i have had many people speak to him who came back with this answer that..he just DOESNT want to live with me...he just thinks we are too different..no he doesnt have any other story..thats why i find it so hard...
Does he have another woman YES. but he is so secretive..i just dont have any proof..
As for my brother that was his initial reaction...now he asking me to come back , Jawad is not worth it. Bhabi knows the whole situation now, her and Bhai will not be separating or anything silly like that,she will not suffer..even she has spoken to Jawad. He has now decided to think about it.He has asked me to leave work, sell my car and disconnect my mobile...he thought i would not agree to his demands..but i HAVE..after this he will think whether it can work or not.
Talk about physical abuse...not his style..its the mind, heart and soul he wants to damage.
This is not a Dear Abby story..this is just someone pouring out their heart to chowkies, just because she knows other people may have been in the same situation just like ana and HP have mentioned. I would like to know how to deal with it from others point of view.
Trust me this was an honest question whether i am insane to stick around.
I have left work now am at home, Jawad will be coming home on the weekend..lets see how it goes...
Thank you for your responses. Sorry i could not interact earlier.

a for apple

j for delusional?

This article and the responses from pakistanis have set the high standard for pakistani pretenses. In the land of tripple talak here is the talk of a man asking his wife to divorce him. The law graduate from USA practicing in pakistan, that is the limit, is there any kind of relevance in any area for US laws in pakistan. A few eeks ago there was a news item, students from achison college raped the 18 year old wife of an 50 year old teacher at atchison college. Then the talk of a 27 year old pakistani globe trotting the post 9/11 world.

How stupid of the pak interactors not to mention the hoodood. The level of sofistry if beyond contempt.

Hamidm:

Please do not add fuel to the fire by providing dysfunctional links. That`s very impolite.

If all of the tens of millions of Syeds, Pirzadas et al swarming around: so-called descendants of Prophet Mohammad in South Asia are indeed His family members than He must have had some super extraordinary reproductive family members.

This exponential lineage expansion must be one of the socio-biological wonders still to be deciphered. The riddle becomes even more grotesque by taking into account that Prophet Mohammad had no male heir.

Even if one does accept some indirect linkage, some weird genomic connection how come all of those had settled in Indo-Pak subcontinent?

And if one does accept the classifications given by South Asian Syeds than the next question should be: are we not all descended through the same Adam and Even and does this fact not make all of us Syed?

Donald Trump in his autobiography “Trump: The Art of the deal” writes about “Lucky Sperm Club” = those who just happen to be born in the right mileu by the virtue of their parents. Syeds, assuming them correct in their description, by that definition have taken this club into absurdum.

So Emma Bibi, what’s so special to be [fake] syed while claiming to be “sophisticated”, if I may ask?

Thanks

Samina,

The answer is to be found within the treasure chest that is the unplugged.

Umer M

Emma,

I`m sorry if you were offended. It was intended to be a joke.

Umer M.

Umer,

Please explain your claim that all answers reflect experiential knowledge and not the inclusion of common sense and daily doses of Oprah and Dr. Phil?

Okay okay,

Soulat, You`re obviously disturbed by what I have done. And I hate disturbing people so I`ll end this prank now.

People, Soulat`s the `real` author behind this. I am, indeed, a fake.

Now please carry on with your advice and inputs.

Umer M.

Don`t steal my brainchild. I will have Emma patented.
Nisa is my daughter`s name and I can post her birth certificate. You are a pretender Umer!

Emma = M&M

Ah,

So the plot thickens...

Umer eMma.

Umer,

You write:

``The fact is this: we all have this desire to be psychologists but the vast majority of us cannot go beyond our own experiences. Therefore, the advice we dispence with is one which we have experienced ourselves. So by posing this question and seeking `help` one get`s to know more about the historical/social makeup of the advice dispenser. ``

Duh.

But what does that say about the writer?
:)

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Come on Drumz,

You can do better than that. I know who you are. Get back to where you were a few minutes ago.

The fact is this: we all have this desire to be psychologists but the vast majority of us cannot go beyond our own experiences. Therefore, the advice we dispence with is one which we have experienced ourselves. So by posing this question and seeking `help` one get`s to know more about the historical/social makeup of the advice dispenser.

I thank you.
Umer M

Okay everyone, Ill admit it, Im the real author of this sh1t.

I thought it would be fun to play with everyone after a long absense.

Lets go back to talking about kashmere now.

#91 by UmerMurtaza on March 6, 2005 10:27am PT
Okay boys and goils,

``I admit it. It was me. I was just playing a trick on the adults and trying to work out how you guys would behave. It`s been an interesting experiment.``

Here goes my ambition to replace Ann Landers!
You are just jealous of my talent!

Umer,

*

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sunday morning with toronto times

dear emma:

don`t blame you if your more confused than ever...so here is the low down:)

11 comments were for leaving your husband

2 for outright divorce

17 puts the onus on you to decide the next step

46 were comments on comments on comments (normal for chowk)

1 for getting even

8 too vague and confusing to place for me ( and the writers too)

1 suggested you get tested for HIV aids ( his amsterdam visits?)

1 asked you to lower your expectation (whatever it meant)

2 agreed with mrs. hamidm

and...drum roll please

one more person agreed with me: seek counselling


there you have it all thus fard...you`re welcome!

have a good sunday!

lve

t

Re:hamidm

I think Mrs. Hamidm is right about her intuition that this letter is a fake. Ms. Emma (if that is her real name) might have penned it with the right mix of sex, religion and relationships to push all the buttons of us chowkies. While we twist in the wind, she may be having a laugh at our expense. It is time for the author to show up and tell us her reactions to our reactions!!

Where, where, where the discussion is converging is a point of no return. And all senior chowkies with all due respect are enthusiastically engaged in the topic. Well if a person’s personal turmoil in life is published then there is no reason to scratch the details from every nick of word and define racism, bloodline etc. There may be thousands of couples in all other casts of IndoPak Subcontinent living similar unhappy lives with broken relations etc. And so many of them are prejudiced as well while making new relations to extent of ignorance. Examples are Qutab Shahi Malik Awans, Some Rajpoots, Yousuf Zais and many more…Though with passage of time and thinking process attitude dilution among the known family names and their lines are happening as well.
Being in a Syed family I have seen that parents are hesitant to marry their daughters to non-syeds, not because their blood line will be altered or things like that but if you observe then Shias are very staunch and their faith is very much different from sunnis right starting from Wazoo, Taharat, Namaz, Roza Timings, Khums and rituals associated to Haj. Okay many of people don’t go through these daily/ once in life time rituals. But what about 2.15 months of Moharram, Safar and 15 days of Rabi-ul-awal which they pass with distinct rituals. A person coming from that thing in mind from childhood can’t be compatible with other families “jaha.n iss ka tasawar bhi nahi hai…”
Okay now Gham to Dil mai.n hota hai. So even if you donot show or describe it out then the history of Islam which is told to shia kids are literally different from what sunnis are told. Chalo iss ko bhi chorr do…Islam ka bilkul hi nam mat lo…Then both sides if leave religion than ...”Kam Chal Sakta Hai”
And Syeds do marry Non Syeds and this is a bonafied fatwa of their religious leader “Imam Khomeni” that Syed/Non Syed can marry. And merely Syed are not proud of their Nisbat to Muhammad (P.B.U.H) but they are proud to know the truth of religion carried in centuries so as to a non Syed is on equal basis.
Anyways this is a baseless thing to say what is on right let time decide it… But God has pointed …”Inna ka Shainaka Howal Abtar” chahey woh Abou Jahal ho Ya Abou Lehab.
Aur Nishan chahey Ummat ho, Friendly Sahaba ho Ya Olad ho Maqsad Deen ko sath lay kar chalna hai agar Chaho tou…

Re: # 87

.... i think ms nadia makes a very valid point

This appears a case of love at first sight and to hell with everything else. But more than anything, its a case of human relations with inate feelings of love, socialising, hate and group dominance.

Jawad was no stranger to you as his sister had been your bhabi long enough to mother two kids. Hence you all had the opportunity to know that family: it was not out of the blue marriage betweem a lib women and a socially backward family. This is a contradiction.

You mentioned your Syed lineage and the reservations of your parents, yet they brought a non Syed for their son, whose brother later married you, and as per you, accepted readily by the percieved reluctant parents. This is another paradox.

You married Jawad of your own like, but allowed the parents to make the final decision. What are you trying to do now? Ratify your feelings through this forum and not blame yourself.

Dear Lady, life is no bed of roses. It is a learning curve with no straight lines. If at all this is what is happening in reality than please pause and think and do not allow your rational thoughts to be biased by the views of us all, who do not even know you.

So take charge of your life. Do not complicate the drama by dragging on your bhabi, or depriving two kids of their mother/father.

Forever an optimist, a good hug and a tender kiss with a displayed caring attitude can work wonders. If we as a couple had to heed to the advise of gender campaigners, we would have been divorced a hundred times.As always, the hate transformed to love miraculously.

Wish you God`s Speed

Cheerios

A useful link :

DearAbby

You people are all a bunch of nuts. Your brother says of his wife ``she will pack up and leave``, indicating his lack of commitment to marriage. As for your ``Syed`` family that wont marry outside their ``caste`` - with all due respect, you almost certainly had a liar among your ancestors (like virtually every ``Syed`` or ``Qureshi`` in Pakistan). And even if someone can demonstrate direct lieage to the prophet muhammed (which even fellows living in mecca cant prove anyway), so bloody what?

Surely your husband cant be worse than this dysfunctional family you were raised in. So you might as well enjoy it - the more nuts the merrier.

#79 by ZahraJ on March 5, 2005 10:31pm PT
Zahra,

Okay my last post was a quick response. In this case, there seems to be lots egos involved. You got to read her story again and you will see that she was not ready to respect him and his family from the very beginning and that set off the whole thing. Now I think she wants to change that because she still thinks she loves him. I think she needs to try and save her marriage until she knows that it is over.

Casino etc. are lame stories. People go to these places for fun and if she was in good relations from the very begining, she could have gone with him too.

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#79 by ZahraJ on March 5, 2005 10:31pm PT


No way Zahra! We were actually civil about the whole thing. After years of marriage, we realized that we were headed in different directions. We did some soul searching and felt that we did not love each other enough to stay in marriage. Still, it was a tough decision for both of us. Needless to say; we never had our families involved in the whole thing.
We are still friends and very good friends too.
let`s not talk about it any further. Thanks.

Nazar:

You need to understand the difference between assertive vs. aggressive. She is not at all aggressive from any angle. Yes, each woman with a backbone ought to be assertive! Some have it in their blood and some acquire it as they grow up.

Sir, you are still a naive man!

Nope, women ain`t underdogs! In your culture that may be true, but don`t you dare to make a sweeping remark like that. Our women are trapped by their environments. Majority hesitates to take charge of their lives. They need to overcome fears and hurdles. It requires a risk taking attitude and the desire to take a plunge. This comes with practice! Do not you ever categorize them as underdogs! The world is not equal to the ruthlessness prevalent in your neck of the woods.

HP:

Did you treat your 1st wife the way Jawad is treating Emma?

Nb & ZahraJ # 75 & #76

Ok. My last sentence sounded cruel. But believe me, this is how majority of marriages cling on in our areas.

Marriage may be a necessity, requirement, ritual or an obligation but it is not necessarily a BLISS.

The kind of problem that Emma is having, it is common in marriages - just look around - even your parents, uncles, others. Marriage is supposed to be a difficult enterprise requiring a lot of sacrifice. Months without sex - it happens, can happen. These are those silent fights that husbands and wives have. It is probably more unbearable when in 30s.

Here we have only Emma`s story.

Let me do some loud thinking. Emma, a New Yorker, comes out as a confidant, intelligent person who knows what she wants. She is a no-nonsense woman and can take decisions. She is aggressive.

Jawad, as it seems, is brought up on limited resources. He has struggled. He is a timid Mama`s boy - wants to achieve something, wants to prove something, is not sure of himself. He is overawed by Emma and does not know how to handle an aggressive stronger personality.

Forgive me what for what I am going to say now. The above husband & wife profile will bring out a Jawad exactly as described in the article. Almost frigid, even suffering from temporary impotence in bed when faced with an agressive wife. (Zaraj, it is impossible to rape a man where all sex gets worked up in mind)

I have all the respect for your compassion. Women are underdogs. But here, we are not getting the full picture.

nhk

I was playing basketball with my son this afternoon and he complained that I wasn’t paying attention. True, I wasn’t; because I was thinking of you! You see I understand you cry for help because I know what you are talking about you are in my thoughts. I have sent many people to asylum but I think I need to save you from going insane. This, I think will be my atonement.
Somebody said people who have never married wouldn’t know what marriage is and I will further add that People who have not gone thru a divorce don’t know what divorce is.

Did you see how these people have begun to disbelieve you? From sympathy to now people are suggesting that your story is all made up. I know they are not right. Even the weekend warrior Ms. ZahraJ is out here in full force with Mukhataran mai to steal this board from you. (Btw, She was right. how could you have kids w/o your hubby…well you actually could but…)

What they don’t understand is that you still love Jawad. I think that makes you miserable and you wanna try harder to make it work for your love’s sake. In my previous posts and now, I would again suggest that your approach to your marriage was wrong from the very beginning. However, you were honest enough to write about that and now it is time for you to reverse you approach.
For starter, sit back and stop calling him. Think about him but try not being obsessive all the time. Time is the biggest healer. Given some space, you two would begin to think about the whole affair rationally and would come to some decision that would be right for you.
You marriage is more than half way over and getting back in relationship again, would be a slow process.
Good Luck and I will have more advice for you in the morning.

My initial impulse would be `Dump the bastaxd``. But NO.

I have seen too many husband-wife squabbles to pronounce judgement after listening to only one side.

The fact that Emma`s brother has already threatened a reciprocal action against his wife, who is absosultely innocent, is highly disturbing.

This is not a `Mukhtaran Bibi` environment. Everyone is well educated, well travelled and well off. It is a complex cultural mish-mash - Partly living in free western norms and partly subscribing to the Mandi Bahauddin Syndrome.

No. Emma could also be at fault. We do not know all the facts. Jawad says ``Emma please leave me?``

This is not the language used by the Guys who we think Jawad is? - Emma could end up with a worst husband.

Just become a mother of a little sweet kid and all pieces should fall togather.

nhk

Re: # 74
nhk,
What a terrible idea that she should have a child and make a dificult situation even worse for herself, and give a child such an unhappy start in life.
Emma, one more thing-it doesn`t matter what situation anyone else is in; yours is the only situation that matters to you. There is no point in comparisons here. Similarly, when you make a decision, yours is the only happiness that should matter to you, you must be selfish, because no one else can get you out of this.

Re: # 74

Mohtaram Nazar Hyat Khan Saheb:

How should she become a mother of a sweet kid when her husband in not giving her the right attention? The woman is openly saying that she has not slept with her husband in 8 months. Did you miss the bombastic opening ? Was this an intentional oversight or you did not want to accept it?

Do you have any recommendations for her on how to rape this Jawad guy? I am sorry for taking that route, but if you are engaging someone in an activity without their consent then it is ``RAPE``. If the man is saying to her that she should leave him then she should. On the other end, if she had the same sentiments then he should have stepped back and left her. That is an ideal scenario of equality and mutual respect.

How do you know that the husband does not have multiple ``legit`` or ``illegit`` cute kids shopping at some malls in Amsterdam?

Sir, you are a very naive man despite all your adventurous stories on Chowk!

Hamid,

The kids will survive-if we stop treating it like a Bollywood tamasha. Better to be raised in a stable home than one full of messed up dynamics. Meanwhile, kudos to the grownups for facing these decisions like adults.

In this case, the writer asked and chowk readers delivered...in manifold ways...

btw, how scared are you of Mrs. Hamid interacting on chowk?

Hamid Sahib,

How surprising you share the most durable of isms with your neocon brothers...the devaluation of all disciplines not included in the institutions of hard science....listen, I hear Larry Summers is looking for a writer...

From reading the various interactions from Pakistani women - both married and umarried - on this site, it seems as there is an almost universal dislike/hatred of male marriage prospects, a mixed reaction towards husbands, and a great deal of liking for fathers........

Based on this, one would have to say that Pakstani men make terrible marriage candidates, average husbands and excellent fathers...........

Apparently they get better with age (and experience), I guess.........By the time their own daughters get to a marrying age, they sort things out about themselves, and realize what terrible marraige candidates they, themselves, were at that age. And apparently warn (perhaps over-warn) their daughters to watch out for such marraige candidates..........

And the cycle continues........till the newly wed guy, becomes a dad........

Hamidm:

Itna Emma Emma Kurnae Kee Bajae` why don`t you go and talk to her hubby? I think she may need someone outside of her family and friends who can look into this issue in an objective manner and straighten the thorn. You can probably join her hubby on a trip to Amsterdam and see what the hell is that Jawad guy up to? Probably, you can get him drunk and get to the bottom of this dilemma. How`s that for something on the lines of practicality? Let`s take Chowk to the next step of evolution :)

Happy Thinking!!!

(*~*)

Emma,

I have to say only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. Only you can decide what you have to do and what needs to be done. Education like a law degree gives insight, reasoning and logical thinking ability and you need to use it honey.
Try to logically and critically asess the situation and then make whatever decision you want to make.
I think this post is an attempt to understand or gain different perspective but I have to tell you from experience, only you know what needs to be done with your life , no one else.

Dear Emma,

......... i am sorry, but it seems that from here on out your troubles will be overshadowed by the debate which will take off in three directions :

1. feminism - and the fact that most men are insensitive neanderthals
2. the place of women in islam - which is somewhere between a maggot and a slug
3. psychobabbel - led by va hospital and medicare shrinks

.......... as i had suggested earlier, you would have been better of writing to dear abby ............

Ref Romair #58

[... I think one should be cautious of quickly jumping to or suiggesting divorce. Since, it is quite hard to undo a divorce.....specifically within a Muslim marriage.........]

It is not all that hard to undo an Islamic divorce. From what I have read, the woman needs to marry another person, have that marriage consummated, get divorced from that husband, and she is then free to marry her first husband. I read somewhere here on Chowk how a mother-in-law, upon reconciliation between her son and divorced daughter-in-law, had her gardener marry the girl, ensured that the gardener consummated the marriage, had him divorce the girl, and then had her son marry his ex-wife again.

So, the procedure seems to be simple: Emma flies off to Pakistan; her husband Jawad sends her an SMS on her cellphone stating ``Talaq, talaq, talaq``; Emma marries the first man off the street (or the club if she wants a person with a higher socio-economic standing) and goes into a hotel room with him (her choice whether it is a five-star hotel or the local No-Tell Motel) and gets laid; has her new-found husband tell her ``talaq, talaq, talaq``; and flies back to the US and has a local mullah officiate at a nikkah with Jawad.

I am NOT insensitive to poor Emma`s plight but YOUR comment about how hard it is to undo a Muslim divorce is just plain wrong as I have outlined the process for doing it.

[Where is Shankar when he is needed. He seems to show up everywhere he is not needed. And never shows up where he could be of some use...............]

The Headshrinker will claim he is driving his Jaguar around on Altamont Street in Bombay and trying to counsel his old classmates the Ambanis now that Reliance Telecom has been found to be liable for hundreds of crores of rupees for illegally routing international calls as local calls on India`s BSNL network. THAT kind of ruling is certainly more traumatic than a simple case of spousal abuse and would take precedence in the Headshrinker`s busy practice.

We are all entitled to respect from our partners. Yes, you may have made mistakes in your choices, but that`s no reason for you to be punished for the rest of your life. Good luck with whatever you decide, but the worst you can do is nothing at all.

I don`t think you are insane. However, I question the sanity of some of the interactions you have received! I find it interesting that many of the presumably Pakistani folks who have responded to your post have chosen a triage approach, if you will, to your situation. Instead of offering constructive comments or advice, they choose to point out that there are people worse off than you in the world.

That is hardly fair.

My cultural awareness of Pakistani-Muslim family values is somewhat limited. That said, it is my opinion that if your husband wants a divorce, he should have to file it himself.

You mentioned your husband`s business trips to Amsterdam, casino memberships, etc.. All of these are indicators that he has a lifestyle that condones sexual promiscuity. I think 8 months of abstinence is a good thing in your case. Now that sufficient time has passed since you have been to bed with him, you can go forward and get an HIV test and a full battery of STD tests and have faith in the results.

You deserve better.

Good luck.

Madame Emma Nisa:

With due respect, your case is closed. No more discussions on those lines. I am sure you must have appreciated some points and kicked out others. Your board will be taken over now.

Ta Ta...

Since bro` Hamidm referred to this story, therefore I decided to post it here. I love this guy`s writings. It`s men like him that make me ``danwa` dol/double minded`` on my singlehood stance.

When Rapists Walk Free
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Published: March 5, 2005
One of the gutsiest people on earth is Mukhtaran Bibi. And after this week, she`ll need
that courage just to survive.

Mukhtaran, a tall, slim young woman who never attended school as a child, lives in a poor
and remote village in the Punjab area of Pakistan. As part of a village dispute in 2002,
a tribal council decided to punish her family by sentencing her to be gang-raped. She
begged and cried, but four of her neighbors immediately stripped her and carried out the
sentence. Then her tormenters made her walk home naked while her father tried to
shield her from the eyes of 300 villagers. Mukhtaran was meant to be so shamed that she
would commit suicide. But in a society where women are supposed to be soft and helpless,
she proved indescribably tough, and she found the courage to live. She demanded the
prosecution of her attackers, and six were sent to death row.She received $8,300 in compensation and used it to start two schools in the village, one for boys and one for girls, because she feels that education is the best way to change attitudes like those that led to the attack on her. Illiterate herself, she then enrolled in her own elementary school.

I visited Mukhtaran in her village in September and wrote a column about her. Readers
responded with an avalanche of mail, including 1,300 donations for Mukhtaran totaling
$133,000. The money arrived just in time, for Mukhtaran`s schools had run out of funds. She had sold her family`s cow to keep them open because she believes so passionately in the redemptive power of education. Now that cash from readers has put the schools on a sound financial footing again. And Mercy Corps, a first-rate American aid group already active in Pakistan, has agreed to assist Mukhtaran in spending the money wisely. The next step will be to start an ambulance service for the area so sick or injured villagers can get to a hospital.

Down the road, Mukhtaran says, she will try to start her own aid group to battle honor
killings. And even though she lives in a remote village without electricity, she has
galvanized her supporters to launch a Web site: www.mukhtarmai.com. (Although her legal
name is Mukhtaran Bibi, she is known in the Pakistani press by a variant, Mukhtar Mai).
Until two days ago, she was thriving. Then - disaster.

A Pakistani court overturned the death sentences of all six men convicted in the attack
on her and ordered five of them freed. They are her neighbors and will be living
alongside her. Mukhtaran was in the courthouse and collapsed in tears, fearful of the
risk this brings to her family.

``Yes, there is danger,`` she said by telephone afterward. ``We are afraid for our lives,
but we will face whatever fate brings for us.``

Mukhtaran, not the kind of woman to squander money on herself by flying, even when she
has access to $133,000, took an exhau