Am I Insane?

conceding to demands like sitting at home,selling off ur car etc. is not a wise thing to do.I know you are trying to save your marriage at all costs,but you should know within your heart whether this marriage is worth saving(for you)?
Someone floated the idea of having a baby.....This would be the most foolish thing to do in these circumstances.Try to get him into direct honest communication and dont get into playing games.Compromising to this extent may work today,but will seal your fate for the rest of your life.
Wishing you all the best.

=== Interact Removed ===

Emma,

My sincere advice to you would be to kindly ask the chowk editors to remove this article from their site (not just from the front page but also from archives). If you are really serious about reconciliation with your husband then trust me you don`t want him to ever read this piece. We (men) are very petty and take offence at the smallest of things. In this article you have accused him (and even more importantly his family) of being hostile and unsophisticated. Even if your accusations have merit, no man would appreciate having his marital dirty laundry paraded and his parents badmouthed on the internet. Think also of your bhabhi, how would she react and feel if/when she finds out what you think of her parents, she who, as you state has nothing to do with this unfortunate affair. There is a time for speaking one`s mind and there is a time for being diplomatic, in my humble opinion, now is the time for the latter.

Sincerely,
Irfan.

So at last the real emma has appeared, trying to portray the travails of a pakistani woman as if it is something similar to that of others in non-muslim countries. Take it from me amma, according to pak law a man can have 4 wives. Try and read about one samia sarwar, she wanted to divorce her husband and she was killed by her own father, and no case was filed, because no crime was committed. Think of who is your ``Wali``, try to have nightmares about honour killings.
You are so divorced from pakreality that it is a tragic joke. Follow the path of Samia Sarwar in the name of pak honour, in the name of pak interactors on chowk who are leading you to the honour killing path.

In my opinion, this story should not be taken off the front page.
Just because a man can be petty does not mean that a woman has to suppress her feelings and self expression.
Which century is this?

Well Emma,
it was a pretty depressing story. but then South Asia is full of such tales. i also hail from Pakistan and am in UK since september. Here i ve seen how ``men`` have been able to deconstruct their masculinity and express their feelings towards their belowed openly, without any fear. I guess Jawad is pretty normal considering the hostility in his sub culture where he has been brought up. This is how men are, insecure, dominating, unreasonable, egoistic and so on. But then this is normal in that part of the world.
I wouls suggest u to read ``surviving men`` by Shobha De and see how he has explained Indian men. The description is extremely true for their Pakistani counterparts as well.
My advice to u would be that think rationally and not emotionally. You have one life time and dont waste it in these traumas. I dont find any reason for u leaving your job, getting your mobile disconnected and selling your car for someone who does not care and just wants to deprive u of your strengths of being independent.
Pakistan is a pretty diverse society and i ve met with single mothers who are coping up very well and doing excellent in their respective professions. Even if u dont want to go back, look for a job and start living in karachi, lahore or islamabad. these places are pretty metropolitain and would accomodate u well. The face of women in these cities is not the same that u come across at Pind Dadan Khan. Let meknow and i ll give u cotacts of a few female friends wo can look after u once u move to any of these places. The best for u, however, is go back and live ur life to the fullest. This is the dilemma of expatriate pakistani s in the western countries that they are not western and cant be as dumb as Pakistani women was and is (in some cases) expected to be.
take care and look after urself and remember, all the appeasement that Europe did towards Hitler before World War II, did not make him a better man.
cheers
abbottonian

Emma,

You may be aware that pak army is providing protection to sui gas works on a charge basis. It may be time that women like you also may have to seek protection. Following is an item from dawn of today, please talk to the police for protection, you can possibly coordinate the system for women in situation like yours, with the sword of honour hanging over your head.


Police `tax`



A new practice among policemen posted in the Defence Housing Authority in Karachi is charging Rs500 per under-construction house every month. They turn up on motorcycles fitted with a siren to claim their levy which ends after the house is completed and a ``completion levy`` is given one final time. Since no arrests have been made, one wonders with whom and where the money ends up.

RASOOL BAKHSH

Karachi

jay,

...... even though i am a big fan of yours, i think you are a little off base on this one ....... may i redirect you to freethinker`s article on democracy ?............. leave poor emma alone - she has enough problems without you confusing her ..........

regards

jay: this is your doctor. get back into your padded cell...now!! and I have ordered those dirty pictures of modi and thakeray ripped off your padded cell walls. and you dont watch it, i will put you back on 200 volt electric shock therapy treatment (last time you wet your lungi when we did that to you!!)

abbottonian: good point...except i dont think ms. nisa needs to come back to pakistan to get a job. seems to me she already has a nice job that takes her for week long trips to europe and so forth.

dear emma,
i would like to share some observations. when a woman talks.....that is, when she shares her pain with people, it indicates a very early stage on the road to divorce, if she is headed that way. when she knows what she wants thats when you hear very little talk. there is nothing left to discuss, dissect, air out...or hold up to the light of the sun. living your truth requires no elaboration.

there is an ayah in the quran (please take my word for it because i do not recall the surah or the exact number/s). it could be understood this way.....on the Day, every oppressed soul will be brought before her Lord and He will ask her, `` was not my earth wide enough for you to escape your oppressor.``

well said storyteller. Giving somebody an opportunity and space to oppress u is assisting oppression.

Emma,
I am wondering if there is not another side of this story. While Jawad and his parents knew you `closely` for few years, you also had close interaction with his family for few years. It appears that both of you erred in your assessment of each other.
Final decision on this subject is yours, however few suggestions -
1. Unless this gets resolved, do not plan to have a child. That will limit your options.
2. Do not take hasty decision like leaving your job, or opting for divorce.
3. If you finally had to move apart, and still intend to find another partner, widen your acceptability criteria and take decisions as soon as possible.

Emma, Fast burst ... hope it is helpful if it is hurtful it`s because of my poor English. Still foreign to me.

It seems you are all sacrificing Ammaa. Please watch Swades, it is as much Geeta and Kaveri Amma`s story as much Mohan`s. How they transformed and bring out change in Mohan and through him in the whole Charanpur. They did it without sacrificing self esteem and the life purpose ... Geeta`s ``lagan for padhana`` and living in the village-India. That is the womb each one of us (male ya female) carry. If we are loyal to this invisible womb then we are happy, more capable to love the significant other and the world around us.

You are really a good person. From your story I learnt a little more about myself. I used to think feminine thought as weakness, something which pulls man down. When I saw Swades with my kids (all boys) and wife, kids and even I wanted to skip lovy-dubby songs and scenes and even could overcome my dear wife`s loud protests. But later my wife made us see them. While seeing them I thought about you ... how you would react .. how you would empower your husband with loving word, legal wizardy (like Geeta`s computational wizardy... please understand that we find heart wetting beauty in those intellectual persuits) or how you would tell your husband ``hathelia khali mehandi ke liye nahin hoti hain.`` Believe me these self respecting Geeta`s words and keeping her foot down is empowering not just for herself but also Mohan. Raam and AnjaniPutra Hanuman are Sita`s creation. Unforgiving and strict Jane in the west is in her own way the empowering Sita who created Raams of the past. Women have to become first self respecting Jijamata to bring evolved, women respecting and Dharma propagating Shivaji-soul to their womb.

You know the level of consciousness you are dealing with (your husband). Since you love your husband you have vested interest in his growth. Like Kaveriamma you know to which day trip he needs to be sent. Keep the faith alive!

#125: I disagree with you that her in-laws and the control freak knew her prior to her marriage because of the common tie. She could not have known him as well.

The saddest element in this story is Emma`s lack of interest in her own well being
and pursuing a control freak. For what? For financial security? Is it worth it? Where is the self-esteem here? Do not confuse that with pride or ego. Probably, she follows the school of thought that once a woman marries a guy = a jerk then she has to stick to that poor decision. This is so absurd :(

Next you will read that this guy has asked Emma to take hijab by using a black chador of 6 yards and wear a ninja-burqah on top. While Emma would be complying with the control freak`s orders, the hubby would be fooling around with god`s creation on some exotic island.

Thanks again for all your comments.
I have also been thinking the same where do his demands stop...and when will he actually begin trying aswell.
Since the restrictions he hasnt been home yet, but i think he is just doing this to make me suffer more, which i am willing to, in return for a decent marriage...which is not the case at the moment. I am taking one step at a time, so what if i left my job and gave up my car, its worth it in the end if it brings him back to me, which even i doubt, but atleast i will not have a gulity conscious , that i did not try everything.
Whats a job, i can find one again if things dont work out, but to give him excuses, im not gonna do that.