Why Not Adopt

Re: # 29
hi irum, i was wondering if i could email you about your post from last year.
thanks!
zehra
springstudy2003@yahoo.com

Very well put indeed. Good for you, Ghazal!

How often is religion and its limitations are being observed by us Muslims when it comes to acquiring the things we deem important, for instance, College Education in the west, a good job etc, etc.... we don`t even bring up the mehram, na-mehram, and all such issues, when it is something which we really want. I am sure none of these things have any value compared to the reward an adoptive parent receives, in this world and the hereafter!!

If uttering a couple of words can make a man and woman mehram for each other in Islam,
then I find it hard to believe that a lifetime devoted to loving and caring for a child cannot do the same.

Ghazal,

I could not have found your article at a more opportune time. My husband and I have been married for five years, and after 4.5 years of infertility treatments (and $60,000 later) we are still childless. It`s taken us a long time, but we are now very excited about the prospect of adopting a child from Pakistan or Afghanistan. The trouble is that we are here in the States, are US citizens, and are finding little or no information re: how we can locate a child over there. YOu said you have run into some difficulty re: visa requirements, I may be able to help you, if you`re interested as we`ve been researching all the angles for several months now.

I wish you all the best. Thank you so much for bringing this issue to light.

Salaam,

Iram

Ghazal,

I could not have found your article at a more opportune time. My husband and I have been married for five years, and after 4.5 years of infertility treatments (and $60,000 later) we are still childless. It`s taken us a long time, but we are now very excited about the prospect of adopting a child from Pakistan or Afghanistan. The trouble is that we are here in the States, are US citizens, and are finding little or no information re: how we can locate a child over there. YOu said you have run into some difficulty re: visa requirements, I may be able to help you, if you`re interested as we`ve been researching all the angles for several months now.

I wish you all the best. Thank you so much for bringing this issue to light.

Salaam,

Iram

asifm: Common sense and basic decency is enough and you dont need to be a PhD in muslim literature to do the right thing. Just as you dont need a GPS or even a compass to find your way to the bathroom in the morning.

``I have seen it happen twice and both times the way the adopted child was handled by the relatives of the deceased was tragic. One of my own cousins told me that once I adopt, I should not expect her and the rest of the family to love my adopted child the way they love my biological children.``

May God give you strength and wisdom to the rest of us....

---

asifm

Those alims probably are reading some other quran.

Just adding my 2 cents on this taught. Infact adopting and caring an orphan is Highly rewarding. There are many ayats in Quran which shows that how important this is. And how much unworthy act of becoming heedless to orphans. But there are imporatnt things to keep in mind religiously. I don`t know, who were Alims who speak on this issue on this program(Not mentioning Amir Liaquat). But the issue of Mehram and Na-Mehram is right as same is seen in case of Hazrat Zaid (RAW) example, he was not mehram and Purdah was observed from him by the household of our Prophet (SAW). Also Nabi (SAW) married his divorced clarifying further issues on adaptation. But this problem can be solved religiously Look at the answer http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=11928 and http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=386
The other details are also available at
1. http://www.islam.tc/cgi-bin/askimam/search.pl?query=adopt&limit=20&order=DESC&sort=date&where=question
2. http://sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00000265.aspx
3. http://sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00004292.aspx
4. http://sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00003681.aspx
5. http://sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00000221.aspx
The beauty of Religion Islam is that it is really very easy to practice for those who want to do it. It provides solutions to every question. Religious quotations are fine to include in articles but needs validated approach to represent them. May Allah reward you & your family for such taught and actions.

#23 Finally, the writer shows up. I was wondering what was going on with this orphaned board, and perhaps it should be put up for adoption. :-)

Hi. I was surprised to read so many comments on my article, I didn’t even know it was posted until Shehlah emailed me. I am so glad to hear that so many people agree with me. It re-enforces my belief that our generation is more compassionate than our parents’. I am sure we will bring about a positive societal change or at least raise children who will be driven to do so.

There is a lot of concern about when to tell the adopted child that he/she is adopted. I think this issue is as complicated or simple as you want it to be. I personally know two couples who have adopted daughters and the girls have always known they are adopted. It has never been hidden from them. Just like growing up our biological children know they came from “mommy’s tummy” adopted children should be told instead “they came from a special place but not from mommy’s tummy” and the details can be filled in by each family as desired. The key I think is never to keep it a secret or to be secretive. I saw this child on TV saying I am the only adopted child in my family and people ask me how does that feel? And I say its no different, I love my family!

Shehlah yes I know I am very lucky to have a husband who is with me on this issue, but the visa requirement stops us from adopting right now. InshAllah once we are back in Pakistan, its one of the first things we plan to do.

I loved Navedhaqqi’s comment. He’s hit it on the head, if you compare the life of a child in an orphanage as compared to in a proper family, there is really nothing to consider anymore.

I am also concerned about the case one of the readers mentioned: what if the adoptive parents die, what happens to the child? I have seen it happen twice and both times the way the adopted child was handled by the relatives of the deceased was tragic. One of my own cousins told me that once I adopt, I should not expect her and the rest of the family to love my adopted child the way they love my biological children. That was an outrage! The only way I see is to constantly speak out against attitudes like these. One of these days people will begin to loosen up. After all a lot of what is acceptable now used to be blasphemy once.

Again thanks for the good luck wishes everyone, I do hope we are able to realize our dream.

Ghazal

Very well written Ghazal. I agree with each and every word. It was as if you described all that was in my heart. Lets try to propogate this spirit.

A refreshing and positive approach. All our best wishes are with you.

``The other day an older gentleman told me he had wanted to adopt a little girl but could not do so because being a Muslim he felt it was not an option open to him and his wife.``

Is this religious thing related to the Zaid and Zainab episode? Is it still taken seriously in Muslim societies?

Thanks for initiating discussion on a socially relevant issue like adoption. World would be a better place if the fortunate amongst us devoted a little time and some resources to uplift the cause of the under-privileged. It goes without saying that the most needy of all unfortunate people are the orphans, children whose life is scarred with the feeling of being unloved and uncared.

It is a good thing that western nations have taken up adoption in the way they have. Perhaps, it is `cool` in these societies to adopt children from poorer Asian and African countries. The case of a Swiss boy of Indian origin who was inducted in the Pope`s guard comes to my mind. Without the support of his Swiss foster-parents he could not have done as well as he did. Even the `Page 3` crowd makes the right noises in this context, Sushmita Sen has an adopted child and many more claim to be wanting to do so.

For those of us who can`t adopt a child, yet would like to do something, there are organizations that can help us in this direction. These NGOs allow you to sponsor as many children as you would like by donating a certain amount to their cause. They encourage you to participate in their social activities as well. Some have directed programmes where you would get a chance to meet the child who is benefiting by your compassion. If you must know, donations to most of such organizations are tax exempt :-) Infact, it is a good idea to contribute to only those organizations which have been exempted from tax by the govt, this means the govt. has done the necessary screening and your donation is going for the right cause.

is it jus tme or did the article start off with the husband talking and then 3 paras later - it was the wife
maybe i am just hallucinating. anyways dont want to go back and reread
adoption is good
adoption of stray cats even better

I think today`s Pakistani society is more averse to the concept of adoption than our grandparents. I know of a good couple of cases of adopted boys and girls around the time of partition and beyond... even cases of servant`s children being raised as their own and later being given a share in the family wealth too. Raising your brother`s/ sister`s/ relatives`s children was all too common also. Did we have bigger hearts then? I dont think it was as taboo then as it is now. Are we scared of legal implications now? Maybe it all stems from the ``joint-family`` system of yester years in which everyone was just enveloped into one large family - no questions asked. Today`s nuclear set up means deeper financial implications coupled with our increasing class consciousness and stupid prejudices which is making adoption in our society more and more difficult.

So ghazal it will be tough to raise such a child today... but do set an example and share it with us.

Wonderful article, Ghazal. You`ve articulated the case beautifully and I hope lots of people read this. Insha-Allah, more power to you and your husband.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love . . .

Ghazal: What a wonderful subject you have picked. It may interest you to know that there are indeed Pakistanis who have the big heart needed to nurture someone else`s child the way you obviously have. I happened to know one of them - he was the vice chancellor of Panjab University, and a friend of my father. He and his wife adopted not one, not two, but something like 8 or 10 orphaned children.

Back in 1962, the VC visited our house and from there went to the airport. One of his adopted sons was playing cricket with me in our backyard. My mother came, took me to one side, and told me that she had just heard that the VC had passed away and did not know how to break it to the son. This was so far back, that this is all I remember.

In any case, no doubt those many adopted children of his received a lot of love from his wife and him and have no doubt grown up to be fine people. What a great legacy that man and his wife have left behind for Pakistan: a dozen or so well-educated children who grew up in a loving environment, rather than being raised in an orphanage at best.

God bless people like you. One day Pakistanis will become more accepting of the idea of raising other people`s children as their own. The you have, and the way the VC obviously had - 45 years ago!!

Ghazal,
nice article.
Nadia is right in saying that child must be told at the proper age,otherwise some times
he, in confusion leaves the parents .it also become difficult for the matter of inhertince.
better love and help an orphan than adopation.childless couple may go for it.

Well done Ghazal! For those who have any apprehension, whatsoever, about child adoption, I would suggest a simple comparison between a life of an orphan in an orphanage, and in a proper family. No matter what problems both the child and foster parents have to go through, at the end of the day, the child gets a home, education, social belonging, and most of all, a chance of his life time...in every sense of the word.....so why deny that chance, especially when its possible?

Ghazal... mashallah you have thought about this long enough and I hope you adopt a child soon. One of my good friend, later your classmate at KGS was also adopted... I always admired the fact that the parents had told her since the beginning that she was adopted and I feel that is the right thing to do. About your article... I am sure it is written more with the intention of mirroring society`s reaction and I hope it in no way points to your self-doubt. You are lucky to have found a husband who shares your view... so whats stopping you? Its destined... Good Luck!

A well-written article on a great topic. I would love to hear the experiences of adoptive parents. When is a good time to tell the child? Do they ever feel that they don`t treat all the children equally? What are the issues related to adopting children of different ages? How do your own young ones feel once they find out about the adoption?

Best wishes for your efforts and we hope to hear from you after you have your adopted baby.

ghazal:

welcome to chowk

raising children..whether your own or adopted is a serious business...more demanding in the west than back in desiland...

but if you`ve studied the pros and cons and have decided to adopt, go ahead...and good luck!...any child you raise with tlc would be grateful

lve

t

A very good message indeed. I hope more attention is paid to children who are left alone and helpless at a very young age. but i have a question for you

WHY NOT STAY IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY??? if indeed pakistan is your own country. I hate people who leave this country of ours yet never stop complaining about its society n culture. if u care so much about the issue. come back to this country and let go of ur greed for money. come help pakistan. we need more educated people like urself coming to this country not leaving it. come and work on ur own noble ideas. come and advertise ur notions about adoption.

nice article, but as i said. i hate ppl who leave thier home country in times of despair. i do hope u have gone for a limited time period. in which case i hope its a short one.

Nice touching article Ghazal,

If you want to adopt and feel you can love the child like your own then you should adopt by all means. My best friend in Pakistan was adopted , we had studied together through school and then college and I found her adoptive parents to be more caring and loving than some of the birth parents I knew.
Later when we were in ninth grade her parents adopted a little Pathan boy whose father had ten kids already !!...speak about poverty!!
We all were ecstatic , the little boy went to Aitchison college and is now in Government college and is a happy and healthy young man. He was told that he was adopted when he was in fifth grade I believe. It did not lessen their love rather he respects his adoptive parents more now.
I also want to adopt some day and I do believe I can love that child like my own.
We Pakistani`s are afraid of ourselves and don`t beleive we can love anyone if not our own child. I have seen a lot of cases where divorced women or men with kids are seen in a negative light for having children by a previous marriage. It is all about love, limitations and pre- conceived notions.

Something different and original, great read Ghazala!

This was touching and I mean it. Not in a sentimental way but in a real way. This was a good topic, so very there but hardly ever talked about the way it is here.

Adoption is as good as having your own, its like compassion to bring up kids. The risk here (Pakistan) is only that if the kid knows that the people who brought up him are not his/her parents. I have seen that it creates a lot of trouble if its revealed at early age. And it causes more aweful situation if anyone else tells conducting it enviously. Then emotionally kid becomes very much broken and it does a lot of harm.
The issue which keeps creeping in the minds of the parents is that ``How to tell the Adoption step to the child before anyone else tells?``
But I have also seen that when a matured person knows about it s/he doesn`t leave his/her parents but respects them more.

Its only because of subjects like these, that like chowk.

Indeed a very good write Gazal. I always thought that I`ll adopt a child in case we couldn`t bear one, but now I am more inclined to do so even if we have our own child.

Adding to your bits about the older parents, even if a couple is 60 years old and they adopt a child, both parties would really benifit. They might not nurture the kid like a yound couple but it would be for sure better than the cold dark nights of an orphange for the kid.

But, I have a request. if you get a chance, later in life, do write back about how it went, what weresome complications and other stuff.

P.S. I am not surprised over the Aalim Online part. Those are some pathetic and most common-sense-lacking people i`ve seen.

Ghazal - i completely agree with your sentiments and I think a lot of younger people do as well. At least, it was often discussed on college campuses both in India and the US and not out of a sense of charity (although we had those, too) but because most of us genuinely wanted children and saw no reason why they shouldnt be adopted ones. The conversation tended to veer more towards whether or not we could be good parents rather than whom to parent.

My cousin recently adopted a baby after more than ten years of marriage and God only knows how many tries and much heartbreak. The rest of us had been after her to do so for years but it took her some time to settle down to the idea. When they finally decided however, it took them a week - that`s it. Their little boy is a holy terror and the sweetest little thing on the planet and has brought them much joy. I would recommend it for anybody who honestly wants to have children.

As for the Indonesian episode, I believe the govt was worried about child trafficking... and I think after all the horrible stories one reads about the abuse of children, there is a need for a lot of care in the matter of adoption. What would really help (in India at least) is a Family court that can process matters quickly and efficiently and can take care of matters such as adoption and abuse.

I hope you get your baby soon. :)

Adoption is not easy in India. My cousin is married for 21 yrs without children. After trying every doctor, pujas and dakshina they finally decided to adopt, I think, around 10 yrs back. No orphanage was willing to give till they get satisfactory answers. They had proper interview sessions and all.

Firstly, the fact they waited for 10 yrs having a child went against them. And when you say you initally approached relatives, friends and the response was ,``Oh so you were not very keen on adopting orpans``.

Next, what if they finally managed a child of their own.

Next, all near and dear should accept the child. What if you both die in some accident tomorrow and noone`s left to take care of the child.

Next, money of course. But these folks were well off so this factor didnt come to play.

Next, if they are good wife and husband or not. 21 yr marriage history is brushed aside and they were asked ques like, ``why 13 yr age diff between them?``,``Do they fight often``, ``What`s their social life``,``sex life``,``husband`s job history`` blah blah.

And all this before you even get to see a child. It was plain harrassment. Once, my cousin started crying unable to face such harsh questions. And that was the end of her futile attempt at adoption.

As a married man, my observations , in general, about women, is that they want EVERYTHING.Money, possessions, their MAN, and forget tangibles, they want to possess even intangible things like feelings.I had to negotiate , sometimes forcibly ,a sort of separation of church and state , to maintain my equilibrium.On the subject of adoption, i am met with vehement opposotion , especially from other women.Why?.I thought women were caregivers.But then again, i saw a program on ``Animal Planet`` a few nights ago, wherein a lioness came upon three cheetah cubs trying to hide while thier mother went hunting for food.The lioness had cubs too.She gored the cheetah cubs to death.One managed to escape.It explained everything to me.I will never bring up the subject of adoption of a poor child with my wife ever again.