Why Not Adopt

As a married man, my observations , in general, about women, is that they want EVERYTHING.Money, possessions, their MAN, and forget tangibles, they want to possess even intangible things like feelings.I had to negotiate , sometimes forcibly ,a sort of separation of church and state , to maintain my equilibrium.On the subject of adoption, i am met with vehement opposotion , especially from other women.Why?.I thought women were caregivers.But then again, i saw a program on ``Animal Planet`` a few nights ago, wherein a lioness came upon three cheetah cubs trying to hide while thier mother went hunting for food.The lioness had cubs too.She gored the cheetah cubs to death.One managed to escape.It explained everything to me.I will never bring up the subject of adoption of a poor child with my wife ever again.

Adoption is not easy in India. My cousin is married for 21 yrs without children. After trying every doctor, pujas and dakshina they finally decided to adopt, I think, around 10 yrs back. No orphanage was willing to give till they get satisfactory answers. They had proper interview sessions and all.

Firstly, the fact they waited for 10 yrs having a child went against them. And when you say you initally approached relatives, friends and the response was ,``Oh so you were not very keen on adopting orpans``.

Next, what if they finally managed a child of their own.

Next, all near and dear should accept the child. What if you both die in some accident tomorrow and noone`s left to take care of the child.

Next, money of course. But these folks were well off so this factor didnt come to play.

Next, if they are good wife and husband or not. 21 yr marriage history is brushed aside and they were asked ques like, ``why 13 yr age diff between them?``,``Do they fight often``, ``What`s their social life``,``sex life``,``husband`s job history`` blah blah.

And all this before you even get to see a child. It was plain harrassment. Once, my cousin started crying unable to face such harsh questions. And that was the end of her futile attempt at adoption.

Ghazal - i completely agree with your sentiments and I think a lot of younger people do as well. At least, it was often discussed on college campuses both in India and the US and not out of a sense of charity (although we had those, too) but because most of us genuinely wanted children and saw no reason why they shouldnt be adopted ones. The conversation tended to veer more towards whether or not we could be good parents rather than whom to parent.

My cousin recently adopted a baby after more than ten years of marriage and God only knows how many tries and much heartbreak. The rest of us had been after her to do so for years but it took her some time to settle down to the idea. When they finally decided however, it took them a week - that`s it. Their little boy is a holy terror and the sweetest little thing on the planet and has brought them much joy. I would recommend it for anybody who honestly wants to have children.

As for the Indonesian episode, I believe the govt was worried about child trafficking... and I think after all the horrible stories one reads about the abuse of children, there is a need for a lot of care in the matter of adoption. What would really help (in India at least) is a Family court that can process matters quickly and efficiently and can take care of matters such as adoption and abuse.

I hope you get your baby soon. :)

Its only because of subjects like these, that like chowk.

Indeed a very good write Gazal. I always thought that I`ll adopt a child in case we couldn`t bear one, but now I am more inclined to do so even if we have our own child.

Adding to your bits about the older parents, even if a couple is 60 years old and they adopt a child, both parties would really benifit. They might not nurture the kid like a yound couple but it would be for sure better than the cold dark nights of an orphange for the kid.

But, I have a request. if you get a chance, later in life, do write back about how it went, what weresome complications and other stuff.

P.S. I am not surprised over the Aalim Online part. Those are some pathetic and most common-sense-lacking people i`ve seen.

Adoption is as good as having your own, its like compassion to bring up kids. The risk here (Pakistan) is only that if the kid knows that the people who brought up him are not his/her parents. I have seen that it creates a lot of trouble if its revealed at early age. And it causes more aweful situation if anyone else tells conducting it enviously. Then emotionally kid becomes very much broken and it does a lot of harm.
The issue which keeps creeping in the minds of the parents is that ``How to tell the Adoption step to the child before anyone else tells?``
But I have also seen that when a matured person knows about it s/he doesn`t leave his/her parents but respects them more.

This was touching and I mean it. Not in a sentimental way but in a real way. This was a good topic, so very there but hardly ever talked about the way it is here.

Something different and original, great read Ghazala!

Nice touching article Ghazal,

If you want to adopt and feel you can love the child like your own then you should adopt by all means. My best friend in Pakistan was adopted , we had studied together through school and then college and I found her adoptive parents to be more caring and loving than some of the birth parents I knew.
Later when we were in ninth grade her parents adopted a little Pathan boy whose father had ten kids already !!...speak about poverty!!
We all were ecstatic , the little boy went to Aitchison college and is now in Government college and is a happy and healthy young man. He was told that he was adopted when he was in fifth grade I believe. It did not lessen their love rather he respects his adoptive parents more now.
I also want to adopt some day and I do believe I can love that child like my own.
We Pakistani`s are afraid of ourselves and don`t beleive we can love anyone if not our own child. I have seen a lot of cases where divorced women or men with kids are seen in a negative light for having children by a previous marriage. It is all about love, limitations and pre- conceived notions.

A very good message indeed. I hope more attention is paid to children who are left alone and helpless at a very young age. but i have a question for you

WHY NOT STAY IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY??? if indeed pakistan is your own country. I hate people who leave this country of ours yet never stop complaining about its society n culture. if u care so much about the issue. come back to this country and let go of ur greed for money. come help pakistan. we need more educated people like urself coming to this country not leaving it. come and work on ur own noble ideas. come and advertise ur notions about adoption.

nice article, but as i said. i hate ppl who leave thier home country in times of despair. i do hope u have gone for a limited time period. in which case i hope its a short one.

ghazal:

welcome to chowk

raising children..whether your own or adopted is a serious business...more demanding in the west than back in desiland...

but if you`ve studied the pros and cons and have decided to adopt, go ahead...and good luck!...any child you raise with tlc would be grateful

lve

t

A well-written article on a great topic. I would love to hear the experiences of adoptive parents. When is a good time to tell the child? Do they ever feel that they don`t treat all the children equally? What are the issues related to adopting children of different ages? How do your own young ones feel once they find out about the adoption?

Best wishes for your efforts and we hope to hear from you after you have your adopted baby.

Ghazal... mashallah you have thought about this long enough and I hope you adopt a child soon. One of my good friend, later your classmate at KGS was also adopted... I always admired the fact that the parents had told her since the beginning that she was adopted and I feel that is the right thing to do. About your article... I am sure it is written more with the intention of mirroring society`s reaction and I hope it in no way points to your self-doubt. You are lucky to have found a husband who shares your view... so whats stopping you? Its destined... Good Luck!

Well done Ghazal! For those who have any apprehension, whatsoever, about child adoption, I would suggest a simple comparison between a life of an orphan in an orphanage, and in a proper family. No matter what problems both the child and foster parents have to go through, at the end of the day, the child gets a home, education, social belonging, and most of all, a chance of his life time...in every sense of the word.....so why deny that chance, especially when its possible?

Ghazal,
nice article.
Nadia is right in saying that child must be told at the proper age,otherwise some times
he, in confusion leaves the parents .it also become difficult for the matter of inhertince.
better love and help an orphan than adopation.childless couple may go for it.

Ghazal: What a wonderful subject you have picked. It may interest you to know that there are indeed Pakistanis who have the big heart needed to nurture someone else`s child the way you obviously have. I happened to know one of them - he was the vice chancellor of Panjab University, and a friend of my father. He and his wife adopted not one, not two, but something like 8 or 10 orphaned children.

Back in 1962, the VC visited our house and from there went to the airport. One of his adopted sons was playing cricket with me in our backyard. My mother came, took me to one side, and told me that she had just heard that the VC had passed away and did not know how to break it to the son. This was so far back, that this is all I remember.

In any case, no doubt those many adopted children of his received a lot of love from his wife and him and have no doubt grown up to be fine people. What a great legacy that man and his wife have left behind for Pakistan: a dozen or so well-educated children who grew up in a loving environment, rather than being raised in an orphanage at best.

God bless people like you. One day Pakistanis will become more accepting of the idea of raising other people`s children as their own. The you have, and the way the VC obviously had - 45 years ago!!

Wonderful article, Ghazal. You`ve articulated the case beautifully and I hope lots of people read this. Insha-Allah, more power to you and your husband.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love . . .