A Fobby Love Story

Mahesh,

For South Asian immigrant men, interactions with american desi women may be fraught because traditional power dynamics are reversed. I`ve been reading with interest how these dynamics are coded by some:

1. ``authencity`` of culture, religion, gender roles
2. what and who defines these interactions

and yet the explicit eco/soc/pol. parity becomes the reason why abcds are not ``like`` fobs....I wonder-what is so simple and natural about inequity? Why is it so romanticized?

Samina, what do you mean by your second point?

I think many Fob men are quite decent and have very modern outlook on gender roles.

Mahesh,

I agree. How many Fobs are 1. intimidated by the incomes and professional standing of desi women in north america 2. marry and despise/are intimidated/objectify their wives for the capability?

Amit, if the girl understood what your friend was saying about her she would have kicked his butt.

Your observation about moolah and the US might be valid but it is valid anywhere in the world.

Atleast in the US, women are quite capable of earning for themselves are more likely to not put up with humiliation irrespective of how much money the men are showering on them.

Muzammil,

I really enjoyed reading this. Apart from the fact that it`s written with a good sense of humor, you`ve made some astute observations. I was speaking to a friend who just moved to the US from Pakistan. He`s a playa by most standards but when I asked him how things were he said he was lonely. ``Inn logon ko hamari tarah dosti karni nahin aati.``

Re:Saj1981

Sirjee, I will give you an example. I used to attend Purdue University in Indiana for my grad school a long time back. At that time, while we were poor Indian graduate students struggling to get by, there was one Punjabi undergraduate student from Delhi, Pritash. Pritash was the ultimate crude guy. He was a big guy physically, very fat and a complete loudmouth. But he was also super rich since his dad was a big shot industrialist in Delhi.

Pritash had a cool car and was dating a beautiful blond gori, whom he used to treat like complete garbage. But she would hang on to him all the time. Sometimes he would bring this girl to our apartment and in front of us give her gaalis and curses in hindi while smiling at her. He would be saying in hindi - ``Isko table per nangi nachate hain!!``, while holding her hand. Poor girl never knew what he was saying and would smile back. We used to feel terrible about it but we realized that he had the moolah and was willing to shower it on her and user her like a piece of meat. On the other hand there were many nice guys like us, who could not even get a girl to acknowledge them. That`s the power of money!!

re:25
On the contrary my friend, after having lived both in the West and East for long enough, I think its sadly obvious that there is both much greater social mobility and resultant societal acceptance of inter-class marriage in the West, than there will ever be in the East...especially India and Pakistan for that matter. For god sakes just about every arranged marriage is based on a ``suitable husband``.....i.e...well educated + loaded husband....how many fat middle aged desi husbands have u seen with pretty 15 year younger wives.....uncountable huh...come to the middle east....if ur in any doubt......were those marriages based on love and/or physical attraction...i doubt it......far more chance of seeing the gardner`s son marry an accountant`s daughter in the States or England.....just an observation.

re:24
On the contrary my friend, after having lived both in the West and East for long enough, I think its sadly obvious that there is both much greater social mobility and resultant societal acceptance of inter-class marriage in the West, than there will ever be in the East...especially India and Pakistan for that matter. For god sakes just about every arranged marriage is based on a ``suitable husband``.....i.e...well educated + loaded husband....how many fat middle aged desi husbands have u seen with pretty 15 year younger wives.....uncountable huh...come to the middle east....if ur in any doubt......were those marriages based on love and/or physical attraction...i doubt it......far more chance of seeing the gardner`s son marry an accountant`s daughter in the States or England.....just an observation.

re:24
On the contrary my friend, after having lived both in the West and East for long enough, I think its sadly obvious that there is both much greater social mobility and resultant societal acceptance of inter-class marriage in the West, than there will ever be in the East...especially India and Pakistan for that matter. For god sakes just about every arranged marriage is based on a ``suitable husband``.....i.e...well educated + loaded husband....how many fat middle aged desi husbands have u seen with pretty 15 year younger wives.....uncountable huh...come to the middle east....if ur in any doubt......were those marriages based on love and/or physical attraction...i doubt it......far more chance of seeing the gardner`s son marry an accountant`s daughter in the States or England.....just an observation.

Re:#23

Basically in a relationship in USA, what really matters is money, the almighty dollar. If you have moolah....lets say you are successful and make > $100K per year, then you can pretty much get anyone you want - desi, gori, ABCD, chinese or whatever catches your fancy. It doesnt matter if you are thin, fat, short, tall, as long as your paycheck is big, you drive a cool car and you are willing to spend the money on the woman, you are all set. If you dont have moolah, all these other extreneous issues come up...

Re: # 23 well said

I`m not trying to label american borned desis as confused, they have their reasons for the way they are, on the contrary my dear friends who knows every word of quran, but spends ten hours a day chatting trying their best to hit on girls, they want to keep their pakistani and islamic tradition alive here but can`t resist brushing their groin in clubs, wants to marry a virgin but can`t wait to loose their virginity, are the biggest hypocrites and the most confused.

lots of american borned desis are intelligent, smart and sucessful and not confused at all, and respect their traditions, culture and religion and even practice them in a moderate way, but its the parent`s responsibility to introduce their kids to their culture, in the cases where parents gets too involved with their gas stations or medical practices, their kids will obviously find too much fun among their friends, and their own culture will sound stupid and too restrictive to them.

Re: # 21

streamy* => steamy

sorry to interupt you all again!

was just following another rather ``hot and streamy`` discussion on some other forum, thought is somewhat relevent to the discussion going on here on cultural identities. may it provide feed for your soul today...

http://www.yespakistan.com/forpakistan/havekids.asp

follow the comments of the above aritcle and have a nice read.

cheers

--``never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream``--

malikjahanzeb #19,
I agree with you. To quote the author, ``I don`t mean to criticise any individual or any culture, my intention in this articile is to press on the cultural differences between two individuals of the same color and family background; and their journey of discovering each other.``
and then he goes on to say this ``I can`t understand why Pakistani parents here are so oblivious about teaching their children their own language`` and ``I can`t understand why Pakistani parents here are so oblivious about teaching their children their own language``

which shows that the author essentially wants abcds to be like people in south asia. As though something`s wrong if they can`t speak a south asian language. The author needs to get out of this fetish of trying to educate abcds and instead treat them as mature people who can take care of what they need.

Re: # 18

but still people have their likes and dislikes. just can`t get rid of them. the guy wants a desi girl who would give him the status of her psudo god. nothing wrong with that. it`s achievable.

but the guy will be completely wrong when he will grow his children into abcds.

i pitty abcds because they don`t have a perspective to put themselves in. they have only the history of less than 100 years. i am not looking down on them, but the nature does. they can`t relate to george washinghton neither can they relate to baba bhulle shah.

some grow into fanatic muslims and they try to find their roots in saudi arabia. what a barren place to find one`s roots in.

pitty....pitty.....pitty

living in canada, my first priority is to make my children sub-continental.