Adultery Anonymous

Mahesh,
You left out bisexuality.

#34,

We should legalize polygamy and while we are at it legalize polyandry too. Why shouldn`t women have multiple partners? While we are at it we should legalize same sex relationships too.

To keep things from getting too complicated the only legal form of polygamy-andry should be the one where one limited group of men and women are wed to only that particular group. The men and women should not be allowed to have relationships outside this group. Otherwise we will have a situation where every person is connected to the other through only six degrees of separation in legal relationships.

Naqshbandi,
There is evidence of some women in almost every society having paramours throughtout history, so should we legalise the right of a woman to have multiple patners too?

DMji,
Adultery sometimes happens and is often not planned. Many people who have committed adultery also are loving family members. Then again, adultery has been taking place all through Indian history inspite of all the tall claims that Indians make about them being the ``living for the family`` type.

Re: # 34
No. You cant right a wrong by legalizing it.

sattar ignoring your offensive remark, i made the point that in every society concubines existed and performed a social function--otherwise why did they exist for so long. as for prostitutes--i have a lot of sympathy for them; they get a raw deal from society. in an ideal society they wouldn`t exist but since humans aren`t perfect they will always exist.

my argument is that isn`t polygamy with all its responsiblities better than adultery?

Re: # 32

DM - let me play devil`s advocate here. Is it in the greater interest to consign oneself to an unhappy marriage that sees, say, daily screaming matches, indifference, children who become pawns, etc or is it better to cut the chord once and for all and grab your chance at love when it comes up knowing that this might be your one chance to become a happier and perhaps kinder person in the process?

Dear Farzana:

It all depends upon what value system one follows. Let me explain:

There is the system which places a higher value on collective good over individual rights - the collective could be a biradari/jirga, ethnicity (e.g., quebecois, maratha), state or a supranational entity, such as ummah.

The second system is one that puts family above an individual and society; this is the system prevalent in most of Asia, including India and Pakistan. At its best, you see this system at work in Bollywood where brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers are competing to sacrifice themselves for others; at its worst one sees it in people killing their own to protect the family honour.

The third system is the Anglo-Saxon system where it is the individual uber alles. Here, all that counts is I, me and mine and everything else is secondary. This system seems to be the model now for the Indian Gen-Xs as well.

What you say in this article is valid only if you believe in this third model.

Children are undoubtedly the worst sufferers of their parents` adultery which leads to broken homes.Maximum patients of serious psychiatric illnesses, drug/alcohol dependence
and deliberate self harm come from broken families.

Ferzana,

Last year one of my desi friends got divorced due to adultery. He was married to a wonderful woman and had a 4 year old daughter. He started having an affair with a gori girl at work and eventually moved in with her after abandoning his family. I could observe first hand the incredible pain inflicted on his family. His wife was almost suicidal and went into a deep depression. Her parents had to come over from India to support her emotionally. The impact on the kid was even worse. She became totally quiet and withdrawn. Basically the lives of 2 people were almost completely ruined.

You know what his wife told us? She said that if he had died in a car accident or from a disease or even just divorced her due to some incompatibility, it would not have been as painful as being betrayed and abandoned for another woman. Adultery has devastating effects. Let us not try to sugercoat this ugly aspect of human behavior.

The fact of the matter is that marriage is hard work, no matter who you are married to. Even the most lovey-dovey couples fight and get bitter at each other. In a marriage, you can only get back proportional to what you put in. If you take the effort to be loving and caring, and bringing in romantic sizzle in your marriage, there is a good chance that you will get some of that in return. If you make no effort and imagine that things will happen by themselves, then your marriage will go downhill.

As far as the other party is concerned, there is alway temptation in this world. But life is all about making choices and paying the price. For example, my 5 year old son is the apple of my eye. I can never imagine doing something to lose him. So, I take deliberate care not to let any situation get out of hand. I refuse to have one on one lunch with female coworkers. I will alwys invite someone else to come with us. When I travel with mixed company, I try not to drink the previous evening, etc.

Dear Farzana:

I think you just liked the name ``adultry anonymous`` and just named it. BTW, is this how you run your personal life too? You don`t need to answer the last question.

Anil

Naqsh (#20),

I am all for concubines ... do you have a sister who might be interested ...?

... you could argue on basis of a technicality that sattar is really not a muslim ... but then you must admit that your local imam is. So what’s the answer?

Heck, I used to be crazy about the concept of weekend muttah … but you have one-upped it by this concubine thing … gotta love Islam. Let me ask then … does paying a prostitute count as zakaat?

First, I think adultery is a strong word with religious connotations. Second, this is a not a society, culture or even a home breaking issue. Even in the Western society where cheating and two timing are now common phrases, a miniscule portion of the society is impacted by it. My suspicion is that in the US, it is more of an ego or a slight issue than a home breaking or relationship breaking issue. At least the West has moved beyond the garbage notions of honor, Izzat and Ghairat of the tribal or feudal societies of the subcontinent.
In the ancient societies, the “Evil” was created for people to understand the “Good”. God has Satan good behavior has bad behavior. Every prophet (good) had an enemy (Evil).Every good king had a bad king. The tradition followed in the literature and the concept of good and evil was promoted. The ignoramus whole-heartedly bought the whole enchilada. The Shakespeares of every literature excelled in creating good and evil character and writers from the feudal and tribal eras confirmed that the adultery is an evil concept. (In the ancient societies, women were actually considered evil or why would men place so many restrictions on them?)
I don’t know when the institution of Marriage or monogamous relationship took hold of the society but adultery became the evil part of the good deed (marriage).
Animals have no concept of monogamous relations and they don’t raise kids together. Human are just an extension of animals. So the concept of monogamy is forced on human. If marriage is natural then adultery is also natural.

With that preamble, adultery had taken an entirely new meaning in the 20th century. Before that, creating secure environment for the fair sex was the fundamental objective of the society. Feudal and tribal societies still put a premium on that. In Pakistan the progress of the country was halted to protect “Chadar and Chardewari”( what non sense). In the name of protection, tribal societies invented Pardeh, Hijab, dupatta, full sleeves and 20 layers of clothing. The husbands were even placing objects physically to save women from the evil designs of the fellow men.
With this protection came ignorance. Women were not able to see outside, men found enjoyment in unprotected women.
Too many details in the adultery stuff but in nutshell, those who cannot provide protection don’t delve too much on adultery. A poor men or women’s concept of adultery is entirely different from the protectors and the protected of the better off classes. A poor person’s wife is only economically protected-that too barely. She lives with her husband’s adultery. A poor man has more tolerance for his wife’s adultery than a middleclass person who provides more protection.
In the West, where both men and women have moved beyond protection, cheating and two timings are just some issues to deal with in a relationship. If you feel strongly, end the relationship or you get back. Those who do need protection live with it like their counterparts in the Subcontinent.
It will take a long time for the newly liberated city dwelling subcontinent women to understand that they can get back if they can live without protection.

Personally, I think Sex is just an emotion. Some control their emotions well and some don’t. People just have to understand it as a human emotion like crying, laughing, and fighting etc. You cry, laugh and fight with several people. Why can’t you have sex with several people?

From Psychiatric/Psychological perspective,persons with certain personality traits are more prone to become unfaithful e.g. people with antisocial traits have little respect for societal norms or ethics and they feel little or no guilt about breaking the norms and they have problems in other areas of life also.Others are those who are called ``unstable`` or ``borderline`` personalities,who start feeling bored very easily in any situation.Also they are very high on sensation seeking and keep experimenting with various things including drugs,extra-marital relations,risky activities etc.Third category is of Narsissistic personalities who live for only themselves and have no regards for others` needs and emotions.They can exploit any relation to suit their need of self agrandizement and bragging about their achievements.They use other people as tools.In all these categories,extra-marital relatios are usually short lasting and rarely have equal reciprocaton from both sides and sex is the major attraction.
Having said this,there are bilaterally reciprocated relations as well where unmet dependency needs are the main reason and sex does not play important part-the so called Plutonic relationships.

Farzana - ``There are more moral arguments against adultery than practical ones.`` true. especially when marriage is a business like affair entered into with a clear sense of things attained and things adjusted.

Farzana,
good article.
Makes me wonder why adultery happens.
Unsatisfied emotional and physical needs or lack of understanding between a couple which makes a person find happiness elsewhere?.
I believe sex outside marriage is more difficult for women than men. For men it may be satisfaction of their carnal desires but for a woman it may be trying to find her self and her self worth by indulging in such a relationship. It is a complex issue which requires a deeper understanding of marital relations to understand adultery.

One of the best discourses, I have read. Farzana Versey, my hats off to you, and a bow in respect of such a lucid, but potent article. One can only pray that these matters of reality may be taken in the spirit in which you have so beautifuuly brought out. What can, however, be done to resolve the issues with the confused moralists of our socities. As I was reading your article, I could quite vividly imagine what Lord Wolfenden would have gone through, while proposing opening up the British society in 1959. Not so much related to your theme but the issue of `sexuality` in its own context.

Keep it up Farzana, you are needed. You belong to that breed of individualists, who are a necessary componant, for a healthy debate, in pursuing a more tolerant, a more compassionate, a little more liberal social system, away from the claws of self imposed moralists.

What you have put in doesn`t just apply to a woman, but as you wrote wo/man eqwually.