Adultery Anonymous

A quick general note...

I was not too happy using the term `Other Woman/Man`, but this coinage has currency and acceptability. For the purpose of this piece, (and often in life outside the social barricades) the person is in fact The One, not The Other.

I am aware that it is a complex subject, despite its prevalence in almost all societies. In fact, I was asked by a couple of people that it seemed I was not quite myself and being a bit soft here. For me, that was the purpose -- the voice of confusion is the woman who is afraid only because she, a married person, is desired AND loved by a man other than her husband. There are questions, and many of you have responded with those very aspects...
- Adultery is not only about sex; often there could be very little of it.
- Male polygamy is seen as acceptable, but what about a woman`s needs that may be more than carnal?
- If the married person is `caught`, should s/he deny the relationship? Would this not belittle the woman/man you are with?
- Is adultery the first or last resport? It isn`t a resort; it could well be a continuum to the seeking of what one considers a perfect companionship, which is anyway a chimera.
- Would `ventilation` in a marriage prevent adultery? I can hold forth on this, but it would defeat the purpose of the article and an important reality of life. Suffice to say, all relationships need breathing space, but all humans also want to possess. In adulterous relationships too there is possessiveness, they are not perfect in any manner.
- Why is it okay to fantasise about Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt when you are with your partner, but a sin when you are with a real person?
- Why is it that people get uncomfortable talking about it, and contemporary feminism in our subcontinent gives it shoirt shrift?
- The point is: are you willing to grant dignity to one who adds to your life, despite the moral baggage? If you can get into something, then why can you not stand by it?

Aisha: Great post and good to have a woman here! You talk about an idealised situation where there is no `moral infidelity`, which is really what I want heard.
Ozerkhalid: Gibran is wonderful...

Thanks for the engaging and honest posts...it is so easy for a subject like this to turn into a sleaze fest.

Regards,
Farzana

PS: In most marriages in India (rest of the subcon?) the wife toois the other woman to the man`s mother...

talking of adultery reminds me of cricketeer Zaheer Abbass , he married Rita Luthra , now
Samina, from India , a much married woman. was Zaheer also married before. can pakistani chowkies shed any light on this.

this might be controversial but i don`t think that it is in the male nature to be monogamous--islam solves this problem by allowing polygamy and concubinage....though the latter is not practised in the modern world it was a part and parcel of most world cultures until the 20th century; in practise it still exists in the form of having many mistresses but without the responsibilities...

a great article as always farzana...

It is a difficult and complex question with no straight forward answers.Being in the field of mental health since17 years,I have seen many``cases``(if you may call them so),who have admitted having ``done`` or at least having thought of doing it,but there are very very few who try to defend it.This is what adds to the ambiguity surrounding this subject.
People have tried to understand this behaviour from all possible angles including developmental,psycho-sexual,psycho-social,experiencial,religeous,existential etc.,but every theory falls short somewhere as there are different factors or combination of factors involved in each case.Sex,contrary to the common belief,for sure, is not the exclusive factor.In fact in some cases,sex doesn`t even figure in the relationship.

Dear Farzana,

Thanks for the article.

You`d enjoy reading A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman.

In it she maps all kinds of love, and the economic, biological and evolutionary processes associated with love. She treats love like an industry and it is a fascinating, paradigm shifting read, where she exposes a highly personal quest to be nothing but a predetermined part of an evolving tool of survival.

Adultery was not necessarily an unacceptable thing in all cultures. Various tribes, even today in the Amazon don`t believe promiscuous nature of the women to be of any moral degradation. Likewise, all patriarchal societies have institutionalized adultery though polygamy, and religion has played its part too, more visible in the Islamic Shii tradition of Mutaa, or temporary marriage. In modern terms adultery for women is the most empowering way (in a secretive way) to lash out at the patriarchal systems, or so women think, little do they know, that they are strengthening it, and weakling the alliance of women.

Contract or no contract, there must be an independent standard of determining truth, regardless of consensus. The moment couples dictate moral behavior from consensus, it’s a sin in itself. A wife living with a man she cannot get herself to love, is harming her soul, a man not content with his marriage and looks for ways outside to ``find a spark`` is unspining his wheel, making his life harder. His esteem in his own eyes becomes questionable.

Morality comes in where you have enough forthrightness to reflect your temporal contracts with what your mind and heart believe. If you aren`t content, leave a marriage.

Because people don`t bring harmony between their body and minds, social contracts reflect that disharmony. Marriage is now a piece of worthless legislation. What counts is a meeting of the minds, an acceptance of two mature adults who want to meet higher goals together, its about emotional support, not a living arrangement. There are so many marriages today that don`t reflect the abuse that goes on in marriages, so then what good is the legal document? Personally the verbal understanding counts more than the paper contract. That, once broken is already makes any prior understanding null and void.

Love is about the future of your legacy though gene poll, about divine goals, and it really cannot be, for all practical purposes, shared between more than two people at one given time, within one one verbal contract`s time frame. So, Farzana the statement, ``Most people use the morality bait. There are more moral arguments against adultery than practical ones,`` would only be accurate if there was no patriarchy and power structures in place, if there was no withheld information, and no emotional infidelity.

Aisha Sarwari

Farzana

Very complex issues.

Wife or husband is a society`s, family`s, religion`s requirement for pro-creation and stability of society. If there is love & satisfaction of carnal instincts in it, it is a bonus.

But non-fidality & `other` in life is definitely a blissful experience. Like the stolen oranges.

Our Principal, Mr. Catchpole, always exhorted us with a smile `do anything but do not get caught`. He never spared anyone who was caught.

nhk

amit,
Love happens sometimes even to the most controlled person, its immaterial if he/she is married or not.

Re:echo

Yaar, I am all for romantic relationships, when you are single. That is a great experience and a lot of fun. I have dated and gone out prior to my marriage. I was never into casual sex, but I had long-term relationships. However, once you are married, I think your roving eye should be controlled. Unlike relationships, adultery is a purely destructive thing which causes tremendous pain and suffering.

khamkhwa:13 urf Khwajaa kee divanee.
``aap kaa bjaana bilkul furmaa hai``

o sorry:
aap kaa frmaanaa bilkul bjaa hai

kahaaN tuk bjoa GAY , khaaN tUK bjaaooN

amit:8

Aur yaar yahaaN hUmeiN , ( switch to eng. maybe you don`t know hindi/urdu)

... I mean , Here their throats have dried out elevating Urstruly and myself to the mullah`s status.

I think in the presence of tahmed the 32nd Imam, and you the ad-hoc reincarnation of Vishnu, Urstruly and myself are the shatoogRRays ( little Satans)--raakhishes.


Bhayaa jaan: agar pehla love at first sight pUr hho saktaa hai, then it is possible to have fifth love at first sight as well. Some people have a very sharp eye for the new moons--especially mullahs.

Re: # 11

...mullahs love moons and are famous for mooning...;) kyun chacha??

Marriage is a pact based on trust. In a marriage, in that trust, spouses “own” each other sexually. Single-partner sex is not natural. No other species adheres to it and humans are not any different. Unlike other species, however, man (woman) has forced sexual fidelity on to himself and formed an institution called marriage. That forced fidelity has not killed the inborn urge and temptation and not many can resist it. Extramarital sex is not immoral but a betrayal of trust.

Farzana Versay,

Muslims have Iman that marriage is contractual, with ensuing rights and obligations, which can be revoked, providing the tapestry of circumstances merit. Admissability of Talaq is often left to the arbitrary discretion of judges. Hindus extol marriage as a sanctity, never to be toyed around with. Do you reckon South Asian legal systems merit ammendment to accomodate more lax laws on divorce, as a pre-emption and prevention of looming adultery on the horizon ?

A few more points. The option of Talaq, legally permissible under Shariah is an avenue open to all, where a divorced wife is entitled to maintenance and child support. Divorce ofcourse is a legal avenue often wrought with other social stigmata in developing nations like Pakistan and India. So solace can be nurtured through the auspices of unique workable formulas between couples themselves, as per suggested in your opus. Could you extol certain examples ?

Adultery anonymous makes me distinctly reminiscent of the enthralling Khalil Gibran. Often adultery takes place because spouses don`t give each other the sanctity of ``breathing space``. I share with you a masterpiece by Khalil Gibran:


``You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other`s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other`s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other`s shadow. ``



Farzana a last question to you: do you feel that if enough ``ventilation`` was allowed between spouses, as Khalil Gibran titillatingly recommends, there would be less recourse to adultery? Another question: ``Can you name a few ideas of how ``ventillation`` and ``breathing`` space can be ploughed to yield a more promising harvest for the marriage crop ?

By no means an eternal crop.

Vivek and Echoboom,

Adultery is not an implusive act that happens by itself. You have to find a willing partner, seduce them and consummate it, without alerting your spouse. That is a premeditated act. If you get into a compromising situation by chance, you can always say no and just walk away. No one points a gun at your head and forces you to commit adultery.

Adultery is only morally reprehensible, otherwise there is absolutely no justification for abhoring it.

[...Were you looking at the mirror when you came up with or copied this line?.The `other` could be your mirror image??.NO?.I think it`s quite apt.] - cayenne.

... do you know her?...