Fauzia’s Rejection

Re 110: Great article mate...I hope this 14 year old ``Islamic`` teen meets her perfect mullah in shining armour to come whisk her away from the Pagan landscape of Canada...and I do sincerely hope that she learns to ``get along`` with him...lest he have to chide her...then avoid her...and then beat her (lightly)..hheheheheheh.

Seriously there ain nothing wrong with arranged marriages but crap like the article discussed above that place the Western side into ``aimless`` dating and the ``Islamic`` side..(Actually its cultural NOT religuos all across Asia and Parts of Africa too for that matter)..shown as heavenly bliss in the long run...``desis fall in love after marriage``..and other stereotypes..do nothing for productive debate

I agree with Sajal completely.

Miriamk: You have a beautiful writing style. I love it.

God bless, sweetie.

Asim Javid

After reading the articles & comments of the vulgarised-westernised aunties, here is what the new generation of advanced modern muslim thinks: Now this is called an example of someone having good writing skills.

What an eye-opener for the Ba Ba Blacksheep who drool over Rushdicks & VaginaWolfes.
LaanUt lUkh Laanut on the westoxicated scum.

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Young People`s Press*

Many people cringe when they hear the words `arranged marriage.` They cringe because it brings to mind an image of a forced union and an unhappy couple in the middle of it.

I, however, to beg to differ. As an Islamic teen, I believe strongly in the idea of arranged marriages. And I am not very enthusiastic about the subject of dating. To me, it has many drawbacks and sounds like a frustrating experience.

An arranged marriage is a union between two prospective spouses negotiated by the parents and sometimes the extended family. It is a system which is taken very seriously by all involved. Many cultures continue this practice, but some, such as the Western culture, have drifted off to other methods (i.e. dating).

In the past, an arranged marriage simply meant that the parents (and/or extended family) found the companion they felt was suitable for their son or daughter. Although that method is still widely used, it has changed somewhat to suit the new times. Nowadays, the parents will suggest the person they feel is qualified for their son or daughter. If their child approves (after meeting the person and perhaps a brief interview) then it`s final. In some cases, the children may even take the initiative to suggest whom they have in mind.

The main focus here is simply ensuring that the married couple will have the approval and blessings of both their parents. After all, the parents play the main role in the decision - they are the ones who research and check into the background of the person their child wishes to marry.

Of course, courtship rituals vary from culture to culture. My non-Islamic peers are getting more and more into dating. The problem I see with that is that it allows people to conduct relationship without worrying about commitment and responsibility.

In my view, that`s where the trouble lies. People can simply run away from their problems. There is a mutual understanding that if one or both of the people want to break up, they can do so more easily than if they were married. Dating does not necessarily lead anywhere. It takes a long time for it to lead (if ever) to marriage. In the case of the arranged marriage system, it`s much simpler - both sides know that they are actually going to be getting married. The intention is clear, whereas in dating, even bringing up the subject of marriage would be a no-no. When people are dating, they are looking for a good time. Often, it`s nothing more than a brief fling. With an arranged marriage, one actually knows that Mom and Dad approve of the fiancé(e). In contrast, when two people are dating, no one can be sure that the `rents will approve of that punk rocker boyfriend their daughter brings home.

Also, there`s no guarantee that we actually know the person we are dating. Both people are on their best behaviour - a mask that`s easy to wear, but difficult to keep on. In other words, it takes time before one eventually finds out what the person is really like. This is why the arranged marriage puts so much emphasis on the families knowing the person one is going to be with.

If the folks don`t like the person, it`s quite probable that we, ourselves, won`t like them either. After all, we`ve grown up raised by our parents who taught us what was right and wrong - based on what they thought. We grew up with many of the same beliefs they taught us. And our parents have already been through the same experience. They DO know best.

What about looks? Many of us claim we are not swayed by looks. Deep, down inside though...it`s a different matter.

That`s what makes the dating game so unfair and dangerous. If the person`s appearance is not appealing, that`s it - sayonara, hasta la vista baby. . . Many people are hurt in the process. In an arranged marriage, not only would that be mean, but eventually one would discover that looks aren`t that important.

Since we are actually sitting down and getting to know the person, we may develop a friendship, a mutual bond. Remember, just because it is an arranged marriage, it doesn`t mean that the couple have to be strangers to begin with. They may know each other from school, work, as peers, etc.

Life isn`t a fairytale. There`s no one perfect match out there. There will always be someone out there who`s a better match. That`s what makes an arranged marriage so beautiful. We stick with the person we chose from the start and as time goes on, we get to know them better and better.

Toronto Islamic youth have varied opinions on the subject of arranged marriages. Some of them think that it is better. With dating, there is always the concern of ``people judging by appearance,`` as one girl put it. Also, they feel that there is a better mutual understanding between the prospective spouses and that it is safe because the person`s background is known. They think it is also a more practical method, because, in the end, it lasts longer.

However, there are also those that think the system of arranged marriages is flawed. They feel that they are forced into a decision over which they lack control. These youth worry that they will be given little choice, and that the miss the experience of feeling ``true love,`` or even knowing what it is.

That`s what makes dating so different, so much the opposite of arranged marriages. It is a perpetual search for the perfect soul mate, one which is likely to raise more doubts than provide answers. ``Is this my perfect match?`` ``Or is s/he out there somewhere waiting for me to dump this current prospect?`` The minds of daters are clouded by this notion.

The beauty of an arranged marriage is that the emphasis is on getting along, not evaluating one another on a scale of one to ten. It is a mature relationship from the outset.

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http://www.ypp.net/index.asp
*This Web site is the major online publication of Young People’s Press, a North American news service that empowers a large network of youth and young adult writers to have a voice in the mainstream media and a space at the table of public opinion. YPP articles have been published in approximately 220 newspapers in Canada and 300 papers in the United States as well as on many Internet sites. We want to showcase the stuff young peoples care about, be it pop culture, politics or social issues.

The writer is 14 years old muslim girl born in Canada; Pakistani parents.

If anyone wants to read an excellent piece of work, perhaps the best original story submitted to Chowk to date, should read Kaneez Rehman`s The Never-Ending Story.

Re# 107
Miriamk, I like your style of writing.

Empowerment occurs when we have a say regarding the matters that concern us. It happens through active understanding, rights, duties, education, freedom of speech and actions. I do agree it is a powerful word and I am writing a few powerful quotes here.

Empowering quotes by women:

The most common way people give up their power
is by thinking they don`t have any.
Alice Walker

Woman must not accept; she must challenge.
She must not be awed by that which has been built up around her;
she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression.
Margaret Sanger

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.
So... relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth....
If we look honestly at our relationships,
we can see so much about how we have created them.
Shakti Gawain

A woman is the full circle.
Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform.
Diane Mariechild

Cut not the wings of your dreams,
for they are the heartbeat and the freedom of your soul.
Flavia

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards:
they try to have more things, or more money,
in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse.
You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do,
in order to have what you want.
Margaret Young

Three cheers to all the women who know who they are and have the courage to stand up for their beliefs.

sajal javid

Temporal #96

Empowerment. Now there’s a powerhouse of a word if ever there was one. How exactly does it come about? Education? Wealth? Individual rights?

In my case it was the family dynamic. Like most desi girls, many moons ago, when I was barely out of high school, some guy who had just finished his M.B.A decided; “chalo yaar shaadi kartay hain”. And much to my misfortune he saw me at some party sharty (you know how this stuff works) and fell head over heals (if I do say so myself ;)).

Of course, he hadn’t heard me speak a word but why would that be important. Allah na karay a would-be wife has opinions and things (could undermine the patriarchy you know). Sure enough his family approached my dad, who quite firmly said he wanted me to pursue my education, see the World, and other kinds of ungodly things. But the family persisted, saying perhaps there could be an engagement. My dad reluctantly agreed (more so out of politeness then anything)

Acha, so fast forward through the formal meetings and stuff. Here I am, life flashing before my eyes, the look of a cornered rabbit plastered on my face. Finally, my dad couldn’t take it anymore. After letting loose some “colorful” expletives, he put his foot down and decided that society be damned his only daughter was not going to be put through this mockery under his watch. And since that day he has stuck to his guns telling which ever aunty or uncle approaches him that he has left this decision up to his daughter whose judgement he trusts implicity. In the mean time he told me to go do what makes me happy.

Over the years, embracing the fact that I have “agency” on matters concerning my life (personal and professional) is what empowered me. It’s a slow process and supportive parents (in my humble opinion) are indispensable.

Of course, all desi dads aren’t like mine. Aur to aur the man actually hears what his wife has to say and helps her in meanly household chores. Such Kufr!

Perhaps Bismil could have stayed away from the use of explicit language. But T, are we so irredeemable as a culture that seeing the word “sex” in print sends us running to the nearest mosque to do astaghfirullah. It’s maddening enough to make a girl join a nunnery! Oops wrong religion. Woh to Bible Shible may hai and I’m supposed to be a good Muslim girl (just a Freudian slip).

Actually, I don’t think I could deal with life as an uptight Catholic. I mean no sex, no contraception, no masturbation, no divorce. What’s a Catholic girl to do! Probably the same thing a Muslim girl should do. Take up Yoga and meditation and sublimate illicit urges! ;)

ShoreSahib:
ref: mother & whore bit you said.
do you remember line in the Islamic Studies book which goes something like: that Islam has given Aurat an exalted status as a Wife, Mother and Daughter which is unprecedented. I used to wonder why Islam never came up straitjacketing Men as exalted fathers sons and husbands.

ShoreSahib #98: Yup. With one slight frown on his face, Godot can demolish an entire literary career. ;-)

Not that I fully disagree with him of course....

SR #63:
very well-written post. it is good to see you contributing more. thanx.

cheers.

saminashah:
yea yea.. nothing new there except an interesting use of ``agency``. by the way, that supposedly complex Ammu is based on her mom`s story who in real life married to a lower caste hindu. roy was rahel in the story.. you probably would have known about this already...

read Champa of Aag Ka Darya sometime, another ``complex`` character you will like... though directly lifted from orlando....

Roy came over to Pak. and hung out with the worst of the worst lot in the country giving lectures in five star hotels to a bunch of yuppies and fat uncles...and then she tried her bit on writing essays where in one she was humanizing Talibans.. i mean noble cause indeed. !

(Note: if you still dont get it: i didnt say the Book she wrote was bad. i had a real good time reading it when it came out. but thats about it)

Re: the lopsided view of this story - this is again one of those issues that comes up repeatedly. Look its a story: you cant write a story, one as short as this one at all events, that will touch all points it can possibly touch.

consider a story about a man who goes for a walk and is run over by a bus. but there are so many men who go out for a walk and are not run over by a bus. There are so many women who are run over by a bus. So many children. Pets and stray animals. Why arent they in the story too? What about the bus? Why doesnt the author explain about the bus? About the bus driver? The passengers? How about the by-standers? How about the little kid on his way to school who witnessed the accident is now traumatised for life? How about the other little kid who witnessed it, liked it and grew up to bludgeon strangers on streetcorners just to hear that satisfying squelch of grey matter which he then ritualistically ate in his basement?

All those people are not in the story. But maybe after reading about this one man getting run over by a bus, you`ll think about all those people and all those situations and talk about it too, like you are on this board.

If the author was writing about all those things then it would no longer be a story - it would be a study of bus accidents. Similarly, this story.

Pretty Interesting article..though some of the replies and inherent ideologies revealed behind them were even more interesting. Good to see the pseudo-mullahs here straight up attack thing ``whore`` for her actions....heheh.wouldnt have expected less...than some of the ``moderates`` offering collective opinions that can be summed as...its all good that this Fauzia has escaped the the living hell of the traditional saas-bahu relationship..but she should have expressed her `defiance` of this society by ``excelling``....in education...career..blah de blah....id like to ask most of the males..here...quite a few in particular probably have done some of their education abroad...I know from my indian and pak mates...as guys at least ``expressin`` ourselves in terms of our social lives was part of the game too...and rarely have I heard one of us lot who might have had more than the average share of luck with the opposite sex being called a male whore or a gigolo.hehehe...it all comes down to sex and sexuality of the female for some people...pretty sad I gotta say in this day and age.

SR # 62:

The blame lies with the women

.....interesting observation sohail ....may i rephrase?

The credit and the blame lies with the women

my take...women play an inordinate role in the transference of values to the child...true here in the west and more true in desi-lands...

...does it mean they deserve being treated as chattels?
...does it mean we deserve the bark (they`re bite-less) of retrogressive mullas?
...does it mean we all reap what the mothers sow?

some question to ponder

rgds

t

#97 thanks urbashi..and sorry amrita for confusing you ;-)

miriam #53:

How predictable and sad that a woman (in this case Fauzia) claims her identity (thereby her sexuality) and on cue enter modesty proselytizing mullahs and their smitten acolytes.

as a writer bismil has pushed just the right buttons...the question i asked myself when i read this was...would i have written it differently?...probably...i`d have gone easy on masturbation and safe sex...after all don`t we know good muslims do not masturbate?...specially the madresah crowd...what with their young wards...no we will not mention pederasty...will not write about it...will not discuss it...and will not mention chickens and goats...no, no, no...the pristine pakistani muslim male does not masturbate...and please.....will not mention safe sex!

...it ( this masturbation and safe sex) detracts from the serious issue of marriage in our regressive country where after all the lip service to islam by the mullahs and non mullahs woman is still a chattel...a bartering object...everything but an insaan...

...as parents know good rishtas are hard to come by...compounded by unreasonable expectations ( i`ll not elaborate)

…we are a repressed culture, which insists on categorizing a woman as either a virgin, or whore. And the rest of us who don’t conform to one of the two prescribed labels are to be relegated to the hinterland where we won’t cause too much of a ruckus!

not on chowk!

dichotomy is alive and well the world over... in particular with the crowd that yearns to push the baby back in the womb...try hard as they do...every single attempt by them fails...
...education and empowerment is the salvation for everyone...including women...and education and empowerement is the weapon that forces of regression can never succeed in putting back in their pandora`s box...

lve

t

I read this piece out of curiosity and found it to be completely devoid of any literary merit whatsoever...it’s nothing but grumbling of a sexually starved renegade fit for a chat among the bimbos.