The Disturbed
Ayesha Umar December 11, 2007
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#19 Posted by mangotree on January 16, 2008 10:37:13 am
okay, ayesha, hoping the same here, may your muse keeps visiting you. Keep up the good work.
#18 Posted by verve on December 29, 2007 10:43:07 am
Re: # 17 kalihawa, thank you for reading the story.
#17 Posted by kalihawa on December 28, 2007 3:32:35 am
Very good!
Just one disconnect. Not enough reason for doctor suddenly asking for sister’s email id and telephone no.
And last line is redundant.
Just one disconnect. Not enough reason for doctor suddenly asking for sister’s email id and telephone no.
And last line is redundant.
#16 Posted by verve on December 26, 2007 8:39:28 pm
Re: # 14 raiya_23, That is true if you are friends with your sister than you are really close. Marriage is a gamble you can't say will you lose or win :)
#15 Posted by verve on December 26, 2007 8:31:03 pm
Re: # 13 ejazharoon, thanks for appreciating the effort :)
#14 Posted by raiya_23 on December 26, 2007 8:00:25 am
Amazing!!!...you have depicted the girl`s condition really well & as 4 attachment btwn sisters I know how it feels cz i hav one & she is like my personal diary..plus indirectly u have pointed out another harsh reality ...i read somewhere 85% of the women r emotionally & mentally tortured after marriage...sad..
#13 Posted by ejazharoon on December 25, 2007 12:00:39 pm
Good portrayal of the seductive-though-somewhat-unbalanced female. Not that there's anything unique to women when it comes to being attractive yet a little unwell.
#12 Posted by verve on December 20, 2007 2:37:38 am
Re: # 11 Thank you rahul_capri for dropping in. I really appreciate your critique.
#11 Posted by rahul_capri on December 19, 2007 11:47:36 pm
Ayesha, Though the story is technically okay;my problem with it is that its too generic.It doesnt have an identity.How is it different from any other account of a disturbed person? It turns out to be as an assembly line production;which in itself is not a bad thing.Its probably me who expects something more from a story.
#10 Posted by verve on December 19, 2007 9:38:48 am
Re: # 8 rozaiba, thank you for liking the story. Could you please be specific that why these two lines should have been omitted?
#9 Posted by verve on December 19, 2007 9:36:49 am
Re: # 7 catfischblues, Thank you for your comments.
#8 Posted by rozaiba on December 18, 2007 12:25:07 am
Good story.
"“I know it has been on the net. I read the obituary and the local news as well. It often happens the loved one can’t accept the loss and…”"
The first two lines should have been omitted.
"“I know it has been on the net. I read the obituary and the local news as well. It often happens the loved one can’t accept the loss and…”"
The first two lines should have been omitted.
#7 Posted by catfischblues on December 17, 2007 10:42:40 pm
I liked this one. The writer succesfully painted the picture. I loved the decription of the rain. I could almost feel the rain tapping gently on my window- this is work of a good writer
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