A Bachelor Comes of Age

A Bachelor Comes of Age

by

Jaz

I`ve had it with cheap airlines. The sort who entice you to brave the British rail across the heart of England, subject yourself to a serious soaking in the omnipresent rain, plunge you into the depths of the London Tube (standard procedure - if you want to get to Heathrow airport), and after a standard delay of a few hours, whisk you away towards the `not so promised` land called Pakistan. The above has now become almost an annual ritual for Pakistani students attending various universities in Britain.

Except, for me, this year was different. I was returning after two years of self imposed isolation from Pakistan. I had under my belt amongst the layers of cellulite (the kind of bodyfat that, believe me, does not go away!), an honours degree, two scholarships and several academic accolades. I had crossed the magical age of 21. In the eyes of my parents, I was tall, dark, handsome, but still a bachelor; hence I stood out like a cow-pat in your living room. So how do Pakistani parents deal with such scum? They start a series of surreptitious liaisons, with relatives, friends, the masses. Anyone who happens to have a daughter for disposal is a potential candidate. ``This boy must now be married off, so that he may give us grandchildren to play with and a daughter-in-law to do the cooking and cleaning`` - I could almost hear my father`s thoughts. My sister was recruited into the grand scheme as a spy. She was to infiltrate my mind, discover my preferences in the opposite sex, and then report them to my parents, who would then proceed to seek out the cinderella of my dreams.

I would like to think that I am of superior intelligence for I could see right through these histrionics. But my arrogance was quickly shattered, when I returned home to see that my parents had arranged an accidental meeting with the parents of a candidate. Of course I was totally oblivious to this. Photographs of their Muree holidays were circulated amongst the coterie. ``Put her in a swimsuit on one of the clothing-optional beaches on the Spanish Rivera, and I`d drool myself to dehydration``, I can remember myself thinking as I secretly ogled at one of the females in the pictures. Marriage.....the thought of that sacred institution had not once crossed my mind.

Until, of course, the next day when the scheme was uncovered. I was asked outright if I would marry the girl in the photograph. It hit me like a ton of styrofoam. I felt my heart lunging towards my throat, my breakfast performing a double somersault in my stomach. I had looked at the photo totally led astray by the potent testosterone in my blood. She was indeed the girl of my most erotic dreams....but to be my wife.....I did not know. From being a figment of a fleeting fantasy, she was now a thinking, breathing individual. She had dreams, aspirations, and desires that I was totally unfamiliar with. I had not met her once, yet here I was being asked to spend the rest of my life with her. Moreover, I could not picture myself sharing my own dreams and beds with another person. That was a turning point in my life: my balls, which had previously played a pivotal role in my thought process, were forced by circumstances to give up their secondary role to the more capable brain. I refused the offer of marriage, largely because of the shock it brought me.

Marriage is a gentle beast until it hits you in the face for the first time. Life from now on has a whole new set of priorities for me. I have returned to England to pursue a doctorate degree. Same room, same university, same circle of friends, yet it is as if I have never set eyes on this place. My room is too small for two people, I would have to rent a bigger house. My bed is too narrow, I would need a larger one to make room for `her`. My car is.....but I don`t have a car!. I walk two miles to college everyday. What am I going to do when the inevitable `she` is around? I know!, I would never get married. But then I would be denying myself the primary purpose of human existence

(which is not sex), that is to reproduce and procreate.

Pop psychology tells me that I have entered the stage called `denial`. I eschew all thoughts of the inevitable marriage. I relegate to the bin, the countless numbers of bridal dress catalogues that Marks&Spencer keep sending me. I have changed a lot, but I think I am still evolving. I have started to appreciate my friends (or the female members at least!): people who are party to my most intimate thoughts, who share my ambitions, who would happily give a limb for me. They accept me for all my faults. Yes I could spend the rest of my life with them. Hell, I could even marry one of them! But not the girl in the photograph.....definitely not the girl in the photograph!

Re: sabrina

Whoa nellyyyyyy!!

DO NOT for a minute assume that women who wear hijab are out there to scare people off...I thought it was a very subconsioucs gesture on your part that So far as gone unnoticed on malinging hijabi women as fanatics of sort. I wear hijab. Don`t assume I haven`t been in a relationship. Never EVER judge a book by its cover ( how cliche can i get?? :)) The most disturbing part of that statement is the lack of response it drew. I was sure reading along that I woudld find SOMeone to refute it. No such luck. A sobering thought, knowing that when people see me, its not me, its my scarf they see.

Also on a sidenote, its not only Muslim women who are taught the knight in shining amour fantasy, its women worldwide. Read any sandra brown novel to know that is true :)

(I officailly deny reading sandra brown).

Almost forgot...Jaz, an amusing tale to be sure :) An arranged marriage can seem very scary at times and I often wonder what the poor unsuspecting fool ,who offers for my hand in marraige after just seeing a picture, will do if I accept. Will he balk at the notion? or will he just accept it as a cultural phenomenon and get ready to buy a bigger bed in which to accomodate me? I always thought women had the bad end of this marraige deal but the more I talk to male friends in that ``late 20`s pressure zone``, I contend that the whole affair takes on a twilight zone quality for all involved. Esp. those with ex-bf`s in prison (how bizarre..was she south asian? becuz you know, as a good south-asian girl ( good n south asian..oxymoron :), she shouldn`t have been dating in the first place, much less be seeing a felon, waht will the community walay say!?!?)

Enjoyed your writing.

Re: War against sexism.

I am amused:)

Here is my take on that observation of yours. Be forewarned that there are very few who will find it acceptable.

No, it is not the ``girl`s fault`` if a relationship turns sour. There are many factors to consider and not just the two individuals faulting characteristics.

A woman with her own mind will not depend on any man, nor place expectations on him SO MUCH SO that when he fails to meet up to them, she falls into
self-deprecation and fatalistic attitudes which btw is how women in general operate. More so for our Muslim women who have been programed into believing the knight in shining armour routine.

So when a woman makes a choice, whatever it may be, she is responsible for them. Is she not? In the example I gave, ie, sharif women or not sharif women thing, she makes the choice to make sin(by her religion`s definition) and that is her decision. Why can she not be held responsible instead of immediately crying out foul against the irresponsible man? I am not advocating that she be ostracized but that she be viewed as having come to that decision by herself. I do wish more women would do that instead of playing the helpless card to appear as innocent little flowers that got stopmed all over. Are women devoid of brains that only males are thought to be capable of making independent decisions while women can only do so when ``promised commitment, marriage, or whatever``? That only women can be cajoled into making ``silly`` choices by clever men? One is cajoled when one wants to be cajoled. Get it now?

Whatever choices one makes, one should be RESPONSIBLE enough to live with it regardless of the gender. Accept it, deal with it and go on with life. Whether she/he is innocent, deceived, he/she made that conscious choice. So why should I be neccessarily be more sympathethic with a female `deceivee`?

Hope you see what I meant now:)

Re: Zahra

Shopping at Marks and Spencer is not any more torture than shopping anywhere else for the average man. Actually shopping anywhere for extended periods is the only torture for them!;)

As for breadwinners, there are many women today who believe in equal partnership. Simply because there are women who are already financially independent and have the capability of entering marriages on a level economic playing field. The male as main breadwinner idea is no longer valid in such cases. And women will not succumb to such patriarchial mindsets.

The writer of the piece would do well to see out such a woman if so he pleases.

I can certainly share the author`s concern, but meeting and talking to women or even living together with them for long periods of time ( aka living together - Western style) does not ensure
matrimonial success. Tempered expectations, maturity, honesty and compromise do. Our East traditions ( maybe coercive ) , sort of provide the initial stability required for both parties to adjust- with the understanding that both parties are compatible to begin with. Conversely it can be nightmare for incompatible matches. Unfortunately, the same thing can happen even in the ``non-arranged`` marriage scenario, where both parties are swept away by either physical passion
or the make-believe world of romance.

So how the heck are single folks supposed to find their soul mates? - Beats me, I dont have the answers :-)

Re:Faye

``A girl who is stupid enough to sleep with them before marriage is not `sharif` enough for becoming their wife,``

I find this so very ridiculous yet I know that the above does happen. So you are quite right in labelling such women stupid. Unfortunately so! If a woman is Muslim and breaks her religious responsibility with a man she places trust in to marry her eventually, she could very well be setting herself up for a fall. There are traditional men who might take that as indication of her moral weakness and respect her less for it, ie; if she has the daring to be with me, who`s to say she has not the capability to be with others? Hmm?

Actually, if a woman is Muslim, she should not be doing anything at all-period even when promised marriage. And if she does, then the responsibility is on HER not the man, just as it is for any non-Muslim woman who enter relationships. Most women are aware of the potential of the end of a relationship-they are prepared for it. Most Muslim women who date (usually the man they want to marry) are not prepared, they live in some idealised fairy tale and when something goes wrong; perhaps, he no longer wants to marry her, they end up in depression and become more religious-cause they sinned and God is punishing them for it...:) Some of these women end up with hijabs on their heads and spend their lives scaring other young women of the terrors of persuasive men...

If a girl wants to sleep with someone, do it because she wants it for herself NOT because he wants it and she needs to please him. Because when she acts out of that need to please another, and when he leaves, then she`s the one left in a bind....So elementary. I am suprised so many women screw up. Sigh....

RE: Taher Chaudry
Chaudry Sahib, i never denied that 60-70 percent of marraiges held in pakistan are arranged, i`m pretty sure that the percentage of arranged marraiges back home is higher then that. What i was trying to say is that i don`t want to do it, and i`m aware of the fact that arranged marraiges are more succesful then other. oh well i didn`t meant to offend someone they are just my thoughts.

nice article !! it`s weird to marry someone you don`t know, and getting married to her means that you have to spend your life with her. though in pakistan we still have a lot of arrange marraiges but still my mind doesn`t approve to do that. no offense to anyone these are just my thoughts.

Just a thought..........is this girl who is so good looking still available...............i mean, if she can cause you to salivate yourself into dehydration, she shouldnt be left alone........hook me up brother man!

It is more of a comment than a question.

If u really think the way you write then do think about the girls who are not even given the chance of thinking. The next day on their brekfast table they are told when the marriage will be No question of whether you like a person or dislike him. Anyway nice article.